The Vine: March 17, 2010
So, I need some advice on something I’ve been thinking about for a while.
Four and a half years ago my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. And I took it really, really hard. I immediately got into an abusive rebound relationship, I tried to kill myself twice, and I would flip between being comatose, to being unable to stop crying on the bus/at work/while grocery shopping, to being drunk and manic and pretending everything was okay. I was pretty messed up to put it mildly.
Fortunately, the abusive relationship lasted less than a year before I stopped seeing him and started seeing a really good psychiatrist. And now I’m years removed from that drama and the first ex is just a bittersweet memory, the abusive ex is ancient history, I’m living with a really great guy, and things are going really well in all other aspects of my life. Basically, I’m good. My problem, then, is this:
In the months after the initial break-up, my best-friend-since-we-were-14 was there for me. We live in separate cities and every day I would call him and he would talk to me for hours while I cried over the phone. But after almost exactly six months of phone calls where I would either cry about my ex or cry about my new abusive boyfriend, he gave up on me completely.
His last email to me said (verbatim), “if all you have is bitterness and negativity then i hazard to say that we DONT have anything further to say to each other, i have far too much stress in my life to want to engage in a friendship that only adds more. i am neither insensitive nor insecure, i am merely protective of my time and how i spend it and dont relish the thought of endless arguments over the phone with someone who seems only hell bent on sharing her misery.”
To be fair, I was hell-bent on sharing my misery. I hated the abusive relationship I’d gotten into and didn’t know how to get out of, I hated my life without my ex, I hated myself, etc. etc. etc. At the time of the break-up my ex and I had been living in a new city where I didn’t have any friends, and my family had earlier disowned me for religious reasons of their own, so because he was my only friend, he was the one I leaned on completely. (My sister’s response when I called to tell her of the break up and my new phone number? “What did you expect? You weren’t married.”)
I realize the stress of dealing with someone as depressed as I was is a lot to take on, so intellectually I understand how he would want out of that kind of a friendship. But emotionally, all I can wonder is why he abandoned his best friend when she was suicidal and self-destructive!
So we haven’t spoken or called or emailed or sent any texts in years. And I was fine with that, mostly I was too busy working on feeling better and then starting my new life with my partner to even notice he’s not around anymore.
But for the past year or so I’ve been thinking about him. And I’m thinking of contacting him again, maybe friend him on Facebook or something, but I hesitate to because 1) I don’t want to “lose face” by being the one contacting him when he was the one who took off when I needed him the most; 2) I don’t know if I could ever trust him again and think maybe no friendship is preferable to a superficial one where I never confide in him again if something is bothering me; and 3) maybe wanting to contact him again is just nostalgia sneaking up on me since I’m turning 30 soon.
What do you think? Should I email him? Or just let it go?
HR
Dear HR,
I’d just let it go, and here’s why: it doesn’t sound like you want the friendship itself back in your life. You didn’t say you miss it, or him; you just say you’ve been thinking about him, and that your first concern is whether you’d “lose face” doesn’t indicate to me that you’ve really let the feelings of hurt and betrayal go.
I think what you really want is closure in the form of an apology. I can’t really predict whether he’d respond to your reaching out by saying he’s sorry for pushing you away. I can tell you that reproducing his kiss-off note verbatim probably means you aren’t as far “removed” from the drama of that time as you think. Your general tone is one of resentment; think about how that might go if you try to contact him.
Think about what you want out of emailing him, and if it doesn’t involve moving forward with a friendship, versus conducting an angry postmortem on what happened, leave it where it is.
Hi Sars,
Recently, I’ve found myself in an escalating custody battle over my two cats and would really appreciate your bullshit-free advice. Please tell me if I’m being an unreasonable asshole or not.
Here’s the back story: my cats are two four-year-old littermates, whom I adopted at 8 weeks. I was fully prepared for the lifetime commitment that comes when you adopt animals. Because, like you’ve said in the past, pets are family, too. Simply stated, my girls are the shit. They are very social and affectionate (even with total strangers), an unending source of entertainment and are each other’s best friend.
A few months ago, I moved from Michigan to Las Vegas. My mother has been nice enough to let the girls stay with her during the interim. Moving them to the other side of the country is going to be stressful enough for them (and me…), so I want the transition to be as easy as possible. My boyfriend and I bought a house and are in the process of tearing out carpet, replacing cabinets, etc., so I don’t want to bring them into a total war zone.
For the last couple years, my mother has also been caring for my 95-year-old grandma, who is approaching the final stages of dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. She has caretakers for Grandma who are there almost round-the-clock, but it’s still understandably stressful and frustrating for her.
My mother also has a wee bit of a martyr complex. I won’t delve too deeply into that, for fear of turning this into the Great American Novel, but it’s definitely a key factor in this issue.
At this point, I should mention that I have no brothers or sisters, and that I’m approaching 30 with a quickness. My parents divorced when I was 14, and my mother has no other family other than myself and my grandma. Since moving out on my own, both of my apartments have been about 30-45 minutes away from my mom’s house. So even though I’m an adult, I still do feel a significant amount of guilt for moving so far away when my mom doesn’t have anyone. But at the same time…she’s a big girl who shouldn’t expect her adult daughter to not live her own life.
Over the past few weeks, when I talk about my upcoming plans to collect the cats, she makes statements “in passing” about how “the cats are my WORLD. I just don’t know what I’d do without them.” Or, “The cats are the ONLY things that keep me going.” Or my favorite, “If you want to see the girls, you can come home and visit them. They don’t need to move to Las Vegas.” To which I respond, “Hey, don’t turn this into a guilt trip! I refuse to get into a bitter custody battle over them. What’s going to happen when I have kids?” I started off saying it somewhat jokingly, but now I’m getting more and more NOT joking.
Then came the kicker: I got an email from my mom’s best friend last week, completely out of the blue. To be fair, I consider Sue (name changed) to be my other mom. Known her my whole life, her daughter is a month younger than me so we grew up together, blah blah friendshipcakes. The email started out as a standard “miss you, hope things are going well, here’s an update of what’s going on with us.” Then came the last paragraph, talking about how “Your mom is so happy that your cats are staying with her. She is so attached to them! They are the only things that are keeping her going! Take care! Love, Sue.”
Oh, HELL no.
I feel like I’m being bullied into giving the cats to my mom, but…they’re MY cats. I didn’t adopt them to just hand them over to another owner after a few years. I’m still planning to get the cats in about a month. Sars, am I being an asshole for wanting to do so?
I’ve tried talking to her about it like, you know, adults, but all I end up getting is passive-aggressive crap. My boyfriend and I are fully prepared to extract them Elian Gonzales-style if need be (and we haven’t entirely ruled out SWAT team assistance).
Then again, my mom really is going through a hard time taking care of my grandma. And (God forbid) once Grandma’s gone, my mom really will have no one. I don’t want to give up the cats, but if it’s the right thing to do, then I’ll suck it up. Should I just give in and let my mom have them? Or get her kittens of her very own? Or get myself a set of replacement cats?
I never thought I would miss the pitter-pat of the poo gallop
Dear Gallop,
Well, you’re “right,” of course, but this is one of those times where you can be right, or you can be happy.
You don’t mention that your mother doesn’t take proper care of the cats; you don’t say that she’s careless of them, lets them wander outside, whatever, so I assume that she’s conscientious about them and loves them. They don’t cause her any problems or seem unhappy there, that you’ve said. You just don’t want to give in.
I realize that this is beyond annoying. I realize that sometimes you really just want the other person to see that she’s being presumptuous and passive-aggressive, to get it. Yes, you miss your cats, too, but: “they’re MY cats.” I think this is as much about the “my” as it is about the “cats.”
Like I said, you’re “right.” She “shouldn’t” have offered to care for them if she thought she’d get too attached to let them go, and if that’s what’s happened, she “should” discuss it with you like an adult and work on a solution. She isn’t going to do this, and if you decide, “correctly,” that that gives you license to kidnap the cats back from her, you will have to hear the sighing and weeping and little digs about it until one of you is in the grave, and I am telling you, it isn’t worth it. If the cats gave a shit, maybe, but they don’t.
Craft a statement to your mom along the lines of, “You know, I was thinking — it’s probably easier just to leave the cats with you. They seem really happy; it’s great that you’ve bonded with them, and less upheaval for them is probably best. Would you be all right with that?” Something that makes it out like this was your idea. I know, I know, it’s galling, but seriously, the cats don’t care, it gets your mother off your back, she has the companionship — and there’s no shortage of cats who need homes. You adopt another pair and get to enjoy the kittenhood phase again; everybody wins.
“No, SHE wins, AND I’M SICK OF IT.” Right, but if you don’t let her win, you will lose even worse, and remember, you live in Vegas now and you don’t really have to deal with this on an everyday basis as much. If the cats are being properly seen to, leave them to her. You can see them at the holidays.
And the next time you move: kennel. Just saying.
Dear Sars,
I hate that I’m writing to you over something I feel is very trivial, but obviously if it was trivial I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I’m a guy and have a friend who is a girl, who I will call S. We are both in the same graduate school program and have become friends over the past few months. I’m new to the area and have a bit of difficulty integrating myself into groups very well, so becoming friends with S was nice. She’s a great girl and we get along well.
The problem is that S is sucking me dry. I literally feel like she is sucking the life force out of me with her constant texting. She recently had a bad break-up with her boyfriend, J, and saw that I am easy to talk to, as well as being a guy, so I fit into the void that was left. She’ll send me 5 or 6 messages in a row before I can respond, going on and on about her break-up (I’ve told her to try to not do that because it makes responding difficult).
She’ll call me just to talk about how she doesn’t know what to do. Now that she’s met with him since the break-up, they’ve become fuck-buddies, which has caused her to become even more confused and text me even more. I have no problem with people coming to me for help (I’m currently getting my Masters in Counseling, so yeah…) but since she’s a friend and not a client, I’m having difficulty in setting up boundaries.
I’ve tried to get her to see my counselor which didn’t pan out because of insurance issues, and I’ve told her that she needs to talk to a professional or someone more experienced in dating relationships, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Last week she texted me asking if I would meet with her and hold her, since she needed to be held by a guy and I’m “non-threatening.” I told her I appreciated the thought, but it wasn’t a good idea. I don’t think she’s attracted to me physically but I think that emotionally she is.
I’d stop responding more often but she’s the only friend I really have down here that I hang out with, because most of my friends in my program are girls with boyfriends so they aren’t as willing to hang out with me. I’m worried that I’m walking a fine line between being helpful to both S and cutting off my social life. I really do enjoy being around her but it’s really becoming overwhelming.
It’s also frustrating because she’s told me they plan on getting back together once J has worked through some of his issues and he’s told her he doesn’t like her to have guy friends, so that means she’ll text me in secret like before they broke up and I will only see her in class, or I’ll completely become irrelevant. I’ve never met J, but they apparently got into fights about her texting me and he flipped out because she was in a car that dropped me off at my apartment, accusing her of being in my apartment.
One of the things S is waiting for J to work on is maturing, but ultimately I don’t think he’s a good guy for her but that isn’t my business. I’ve told her my opinion and she’s going to do what she wants to do. I’m well aware of my position if they get back together.
So my question is how do I set up boundaries and distance myself from her clinging to me while still maintaining a friendship? I don’t want to do anything that’s going to cause more damage to her since she’s obviously hurting and confused.
Thanks for your help,
Precariously Positioned Future Counselor
Dear Counselor,
Echoes of the first letter, eh what?
I don’t see much of a friendship here, frankly. I have a little notebook that I’ve written quotations down in since college, which is pretty Smurfy of me, but also handy in terms of providing a record of things I found insightful over the years. I was just updating it earlier today and I saw this quotation from Norberto Felix-Cruz:
In jail, I wondered what a friend is, and what it means to trust. But maybe it’s just, when you tell the story of yourself, you don’t have to leave things out.
Different friendships “do” different things, of course, but what I see here isn’t really that bond or commonality by which most of us would define friendships. I see two people using each other: she’s using you as a sounding board and a seat-filler and a…I don’t even know what to call that “can you hold me” business. A hug-bot? I get that she’s having a hard time, but it’s not appropriate; I see her delivering a series of oh-woe monologues and not asking about or listening to you.
And then you’re using her just to say you have a friend, even though you’re 1) tired of/out by her, and 2) well aware that if she gets back together with this douche, you’re out on your ass. And that’s not friendship. That’s two people talking past each other because they don’t have any better options.
But you actually do. First, set firm boundaries with S. Enough with the manic texting; don’t respond right away, and if she’s peppering you with half a dozen in a row, remind her that you discussed this and you’re not an audience member. When you hit minute 20 of her banging on about J, change the subject, and if she’s resisting, end the call, get up for another cup of coffee, whatever. Start inserting reminders into your interactions that other people have problems, or would just like to discuss television for five minutes.
Second, put yourself in situations where you can make other friends. Go to events. Join groups. You mention that you have difficulty integrating yourself into group situations, but everyone does on some level; you have to give it some time, and you can’t do that if S is monopolizing all your free time.
I don’t think she’s a bad person, but you’ve taught her how to treat you, and she’ll keep doing it unless she’s shown that it will no longer fly. You don’t seem to think you deserve better, friendship-wise, and you do. Start expecting it. You could make up your life story, this woman wouldn’t know the difference. Find friends who care about you.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships the fam
it’s Friday night & I’m in my room watching old cycles of ANTM
Me too! …Wait, no; I’m watching Devil Wears Prada for the 813th time. I’m old, but still. Choosing “vintage” TV over an emotional vampire doesn’t make you lame. It means you value your time.
Other games will emerge in your town; S has been monopolizing you for a while now, so give it some time.
Perhaps I am just immature, but if my mom tried to sub-rosa dog-nap my baby, even under these circumstances, I would lose my mind. And then I would try to handle it like a grown-up:
–Hi Mom, I’m here to pick up Boo.
–What do you mean, you thought you were keeping him?
–We were both clear that you were just babysitting him while I moved. Which I very much appreciate, by the way. Are there any expenses I need to reimburse you for?
–Mom, I adore him and he is my baby. Is there a specific reason that you need him and can’t give him back like you were going to?
–I understand that he’s wonderful, but I also adore him and would miss him terribly. I would not have left him here if I thought you were going to try to take him from me.
–Is there another solution that doesn’t involve you keeping my dog and me going home without him? Can I help you adopt a new dog?
etc.
I understand the arguments for letting Gallop’s mom keep the cats, but I just can’t see myself letting them stay there, forever, under this bullshit kind of passive-aggressive non-asking mode, even considering the circumstances. The only thing I could see myself doing is eliciting the reason that she needs them (is it the Alzheimer’s thing? Something else specific?), and then agreeing to let her watch them for an extended period, albeit not permanently or even especially long-term. Maybe like another 6 months, with a date to renegotiate the lease, as it were. If she had outright ASKED, that would be one thing. But to try and slip it under the radar–mais non. That gets you cheerful “obliviousness” in return.
To Counselor: good that you didn’t answer the calls. As to your worry about further isolating yourself — there is no room for new friends to come into your life if so much of your attention & energy go to S. I know you know this, but she really isn’t a friend. She’s a bookmark for you holding the place where a real friend should be (and will be.) Look at Sars’ advice about how to begin to get yourself involved in new social circles — a friend of mine used to say, “If you want something to happen to you, you have to get out there and put yourself ‘in harm’s way'” In other words, meeting new people doesn’t just happen … some energy has to be put toward it … go where people are and see what happens. That said, I am someone who is very content spending a lot of time alone. I love my friends, but I don’t need them all the time.
Regarding the conversation about Gallop and passive-aggressive behavior — not going too far off-topic, I hope — but I thought of this in response to the “which restaurant?” type of interactions — it reminds me of the book from the 70s “Games People Play.” This is actually a really brilliant book which covers how to deal with people who attempt passive-aggressive manipulation. It talks about how people engage in these behaviors for a particular type of emotional reward — which usually has nothing to do with logic or what’s “right.”
The classic “game” is “Why Don’t You?/Yes, But”: the instigator has a problem (from “I’m in a terrible relationship!” to “Where should we eat dinner?”) and you, their target, get roped into providing solutions, all of which get shot down. “Why don’t we go to X place?” “Yes but I hate their burgers …” “Then how about Y place?” “Yes, but it’s too far and I’m hungry.” And so on and so on. Of course, the person doesn’t *really* want a solution — what they want is the emotional satisfaction of having shot down every suggestion that’s offered.
I’d have to dig up my copy of the book, but I bet there’s something in there which applies more directly to Gallop’s situation (and could help going forward.) I happen to agree with the advice to let the cats stay where they are — but there are so many variables that have been mentioned in the comments so far that we can’t really know, that I can see that a case can be made for retrieving the cats and helping Mom find emotional support from some new cats who can really be hers.
@Sars: I’m assuming by emotional vampire you mean the release of ZOMG NEW MOON?! I’ve now gone from ANTM to re-reading the recaps of 7th Heaven on TWoP. Good times.
As for S, the backing off seems to be working to an extent. She doesn’t text as much, but calls sporadically. I may have plans tonight with other people from class (probably not though because they cancelled on me earlier this week) & when I told S she asked if she could come. I was thrown off by her doing that so I said I’d check, but I don’t think I’m going to check.
@Profreader: I enjoy my time alone, too. If I’m around people too much then I’ll a day or two & just chillax on the computer, with a book, or watching TV. Then I’ll be back in the social game. On all temperament & personality tests I’m split exactly down the middle between extroversion & introversion.
I think tomorrow I’m going to try out a church. Not exactly what I want, seeing as how most of my emotional scars come from church & fellow “Christians” but at least I’ll be around people & it will be nice for my poor mother.
This is directed towards anyone: What is around the average time it takes to adjust to a new place? I know everyone is different but I’ve been here since August & I was expecting things to be moving a little faster.
@ Counselor: A quick answer regarding how long it takes to adjust to a new place — I’ve found, in my moving around, that something happens to you at about the six month mark when you move anywhere. It’s like the “whee, new place!” feeling wears off, and “oh my god I LIVE here” settles in. Whenever I’ve moved someplace new, at about the six month point (give or take) there’s a little depression — nothing serious, but your body realizes there is a new routine. For me, it always passed fairly quickly — and then somehow it was easier to do other things and make more connections, because there was a settled-ness. I hope you feel more settled soon.
@counselor: You need to re-read Sars advice again. I have a feeling that placing firm boundaries with S has made you well and truly smell the coffee about your lack of true friendship with this which is why it appears you are fixating a bit on her. I understand this may sting but it doesn’t follow that this means you are “further isolating yourself”. If you feel you are isolating yourself why are you not redirecting your energies into finding more like-minded people who may fill the the ‘real’ friendship criteria? It appears to me that right now you would prefer to spend your energy trying to ‘figure’ her out so you can turn her into the friend you need her to be, rather than go out and take the risk in making new friendships. Hell, why not spend the time investing in enjoying your own company a bit more? Be a good friend to yourself. Just because you are at a period in your life where you are a bit friendless doesn’t mean it is a permanent state of affairs. Enjoy the time where you can wholly focus on yourself and not have any other demands to answer too. Being on your own is only an issue if you make it one.
Stop paying any attention to her calls and texts. That includes what times calls are coming in etc. Stop trying to figure her out. Just stop paying her any attention whatsoever. Start paying attention to yourself and those that seem interested in you. By being so myopic with this girl you probably haven’t any idea that there are people around you that want to get to know you better. Let her go and let other people in. The ball is really in your court, lighten up and enjoy yourself a bit more.
I wonder how much time Gallop has spent helping her mother care for her grandmother?
Alzheimer’s, as Alice so aptly put it, is “an awful, irretrievable, horrific time.” This woman has had to watch her mother succumb to slow brain death. There is no cure, and there is no way to make it easier to deal with. What starts with memory loss eventually turns into “my mom doesn’t know who I am” to “she’s trying to sneak out of the house again” to “I have to wipe drool from my mom’s face in public” to “my mother can’t remember how to use the bathroom” to “she can’t even remember how to breathe.” It is emotionally draining on a level you can’t imagine, even with other people there to provide health care for the patient. Gallop Sr. is watching her mother die right in front of her. Slowly.
And at this point in her mother’s life, Gallop is cracking jokes about kidnapping the cats Elian-style.
Gallop: you said you’re still “in the process” of fixing up your house. Why don’t you finish that up first? You also said you’re going to visit your mom and Grandma in about a month, right? At that point, you can try the conversation again, preferably with your mother’s friend there to mediate, as compassionately as possible. Sometimes our pets really are the only comfort we have, and although I think your mother could have gone about this differently, I don’t think that lessens her need for them. If she’s willing to adopt new cats of her own, great, but if the situation is best served by her keeping two cats she already gets along with and doesn’t have to train (as she would with new kittens), I think you all might be better off if you relinquish the cats. Call it a kindness you’re doing for someone who really needs it.
E: I hope to HOLY HELL that you did NOT pay that bill from your father!
And I’m evil enough to hope that you responded with a bill to your father for the costs for RENTING your cat and dog, together with the OVERDUE FINES for keeping them so long.
That’s a real piece of nasty, that is. I mean, if your parents couldn’t afford the cost, I can see kicking in, _if you can_, just because. But that was a nasty piece of passive aggression.
Grrr.
One question, if mom adopts new cats, why do they have to be kittens? It seems to me that she could adopt older cats which would take out the “training” and so on. This would not only help the older cats who tend to not get adopted, but it would also make it much easier on mom. It just seems like everyone assumes that the only way to adopt is to get kittens.
@Profreader: Thanks for the advice. I’ve never moved so far away from home before & my transition at undergrad was relatively painless. I think once I get a real job & get into a routine things will become more smooth.
@Ash: I do think you could be right. Like mentally, I’m trying to make her who I want her to be & trying to come to terms with it but that’s not fair to either of us.
Ugh!
SURE she changes it back! She’s not interested in conversations about subject but herownself. It feels ick, but the peace & calm it engenders is worth the ick. Wow, she’s CALLING at 230AM? You didn’t answer, did you? Eesh!
@Jane “That’s not a friend, that’s an unpaid job.” Ooh, I’m guing to have to steal that -made me laugh right out loud! Thanks!
I also have a passive-aggressive/aggressive/martyr mother, and have dealt with her for 30+ years as well. Frankly, while you do have to pick your battles, in my own experience, the more you cave and clench your teeth, the more the passive-aggressiveness/martyrdom continues, and the more the PA/M person feels they can get away with, and ultimately the more the PA/M person ends up dictating your life. Given, perhaps I’m not the best judge in this situation, because ultimately, I had to make a decision between wanting a relationship with my mother and actually living my own life free from bullying phone calls and unceasing pressure to toe the line whenever I did something she did not like, and I’m still a little bitter about that.
That said, I can see why Gallop is near the end of her tether about this, especially now that her mom has enlisted the help of a third party to put on the pressure (even if the third party in this case doesn’t quite realize it).
Yes, it still is a choice between being “right” and being “happy”, but the question, I think is what Gallop wants as an end result of this. I think the best solution is to to float the idea of getting a new cat for her mom and taking her two back. It’s the best compromise, and hopefully mom would accept it.
If she doesn’t, again Gallop will have to make a choice about
1) whether she really wants her cats, and whether she does want to put her foot down here and possibly irreparably damage the relationship with her mom despite getting her a new cat, or
2) whether she’s willing to let the cats go and continue having a relationship with her mom, even if it is a little strained for a while until the bitterness recedes about the “stealing” of the cats.
Regarding the calling all hours of the night thing… I’ve found that turning my ringer off before bed does wonders. Well, so long as I remember to turn the ringer on again in the morning….
I completely agree & this was what I was alluding too in my original post for Gallop.
Shelters are full of adult ‘pairs’. It’s harder to place pairs because the view is that 2 cats are more work than 1. In my experience, this is not the case, in fact, at times it is the opposite.
The good thing about adopting a pair of bonded adult cats is that they are fully trained (if not, it is mentioned they are special needs) and more importantly, that they have each other as an inbuilt suport system which makes transitioning to a new environment MUCH easier.
I am glad you figured this out and no, it’s not fair to either one of you. I hope by letting her go, you will find real friends will enter into your life. The first one, you being a real friend to yourself.
FWIW, Counselor, you seem to be a pretty cool dude and I would totally hang with you were I not on the other side of the Atlantic. Everyone’s right – stop giving this timesuck who could barely pick you out of a lineup your time and energy, and the real friends will come.
Are you getting any counselling or supervision yourself as part of the programme? Might be worth talking through this situation, and why it is you’re finding it hard to let this girl go.
Re the Great Cat Debate: I was watching Court TV (ok, Judge Judy) once where a brother was suing his sister for possessions he had left with her long-term, including a litter of new kittens. This woman’s little girl stood up and explained softly that although they had tried to care for the sick kittens, one by one they had all passed on during a horrible night. The judge immediately ruled that they had suffered true emotional trauma. Not the bullshit kind everyone sues for, the real kind.
Sorry to rant – I’m getting to a point.
Gallop Sr has grown to love these cats and incorporated them into her life, not just for a few days, but for months. Her reaction to them being taken away is real fear. To take them away now would be hugely upsetting. If you leave a pet with a family member for a few days, you get them back. If you leave them for months, they become part of a new family. It sucks, but I think Gallop needs to leave the cats.
I think Gallop is completely in the right in not only wanting her cats back but in getting them back. If her mom really wants cat, I agree with the others here – get mom some cats of her own. I don’t think the issue is that Gallop was pissed about HER cats being taken, as in it was a “mine, mine, mine!” issue, just that these cats were HER pets, as in she loves them and had/has every intention of bringing them to Las Vegas with her. Mom needs to grow up and get her own pets and not try to steal her daughter’s pets. Animals aren’t handbags; you can’t just say, “I really like this, can I keep it?”
I realize I’m a little late to this party, but I think I have a thing or two to say about Gallop’s trouble.
Getting to the heart of the letter, if not the matter, the biggest problem seems to be Mom’s passive-aggressive behavior. I have a passive-aggressive mother myself, and she continued to be so until I put my foot down, several times, in a row. The worst situation with me was her actually suggesting I divorce my husband (then of six months) because he has a disability that wasn’t completely under control and couldn’t find a job. She _does_ care for me, but that was entirely the wrong way to show it, and passive-aggressively spoke of her attitude towards both my husband and the disability he deals with.
Needless to say, I hung up, and made it clear that the passive-aggressive attempts to control my life were _done_, and if she wanted to be part of my life, they would stop. (Thankfully, they have, but damn did it take awhile)
The point to that little story, for Gallop, is that lines need to be drawn. As sucky as it is, you need to sit down with your mother, and pointedly tell her that you understand where she’s coming from about the cats, but they are _your family_, and you will not budge on this issue. You _will_ make the transition as painless as possible, you _will_ do anything you can to help your mother. But you will not sacrifice your family to someone who can’t even come out and flat-out state “I love your cats. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without them. _May I keep them?_”
As for the Alzheimer’s; yes, it’s stressful. Yes, it kills the person who has to deal with it daily with stress and grief. Instead of sacrificing the cats, maybe address the heart of _that_ issue, and look into help for your mother in taking care of your grandmother? I’m certain there are organizations that, for a day or two days a week, could come and watch your grandmother while your mom gets out of the house and does things for herself.
And yes, I do think helping your mom adopt two new cats — young adolescent cats, not kittens — will help. There will be no strings attached to the two new additions, and both of you will feel like the other really cares about the situation.
So, to sum up: Talk to your mother. Confront her behavior, and state that while you understand, had she wanted to keep the cats, _a direct request_ would have been better than the guilt trips you have received. State your intentions to help as best as you can, up to and including arranging care for grandma so Mom can do her own thing on occasion as well as adopting new cats, and go from there.
Communication is key. Good luck.
So I realize this thread is dead but I thought I’d pop back in and give an update (I’m HR, from the first letter).
I never made any move to contact my friend after submitting this letter. About a month ago, however, he contacted me. Well, sorta. I print a small magazine (under an alias, but if you know me, you’d know it’s me) and he bought a copy of the mag through my website. I shipped it, thinking maybe it was a sign he’d been thinking of me too, but never did anything more at the time because I was moving and really busy.
Anyways, a couple days ago I was looking through my magazine’s Facebook fans and I see he ‘likes’ it. So I go to his FB profile and send him a message. Basically I apologized, not for having gone through a tough time, but for not handling it very well and being a selfish friend throughout. Happily, he replied saying some nice things in return, among them that, despite our friendship hitting a wall, he never considered it over, just maybe on hiatus.
I feel like I should sum up with some sort of advice or lesson here (don’t take your friends for granted? don’t be too proud to apologize?) but I’ll just leave it at that!