The Vine: March 19, 2002
Sars:
Since you’ve proven yourself consistently wiser and more knowledgeable about these sorts of things than I, I’m dropping this ettiquette question your way.
I was invited to the wedding of two friends of mine from grad school. I know them both fairly well, and while I don’t see them often, they are still friends, and I’ve known them since before they became a couple. I’d like to be able to go, but there’s a problem: the wedding’s out of state. It’d be a fairly long drive (at least half a day, but probably closer to a full day), which would mean an overnight stay.
This is the fourth wedding I’ve been invited to this this year (and I have two more after that!). I’ve already made two long trips for weddings, and skipped a third (for a friend I’m much closer to) because of cost and time constraints. I’ve already committed to another wedding two weeks later, and I just can’t afford to go to this one.
I’ve politely declined, stating that while I was pleased to be invited and wished them all the best, it wouldn’t be possible to attend. Do I owe them anything beyond that? Should I scour the registry for a gift I can afford? They’re really lovely people, but for me to go to their wedding would put me on thin ice, fiscally. Any suggestions for navigating these waters would be appreciated.
Signed,
Why Do All My Friends Have To Get Married RIGHT NOW?!?
Dear Why,
It is my belief that an invitation to a wedding requires a gift, regardless of attendance. That’s not etiquette canon, and I know a lot of people don’t agree with me, and that’s cool; I don’t want to open that can of worms again. But a wedding invitation isn’t just a party invitation; it’s a request to witness a ceremony — not just to see it, but to acknowledge it as a member of the congregation, if that makes any sense. Sure, the couple wants you to come and hang out and see your friends and do the electric slide — but they also want you to witness and recognize the marriage.
With that in mind, you can find a way to recognize their marriage that doesn’t involve six fish forks at $75 a pop. It’s not the registry that matters; it’s that you pay your respects to the occasion. You could have an old photo of the three of you reproduced, frame it, and send it along with a note. You could write them a congratulatory letter. And yeah, you could spring for a fish fork, but it’s really the thought that counts. Let them know you wanted to be there and you wish them well. That’s the point of gifts anyway.
Dear Sars,
I have been married to my husband for almost eight years and we’ve been together for nearly twelve. I have gotten along just fine with his folks — I haven’t always understood them, but we’ve never fought or had tension. Why don’t I understand them? They are so different from what I grew up with. My family is open and messy and loving — we say “I love you” all the time and hug and kiss. I have never seen my husband’s family do this (though my husband and I do this all the time). They’re not cold, but not really demonstrative. Each of his parents are into their own thing. They don’t call much or ask about us much. Sometimes they forget our birthdays.
This is not terrible, but I can’t help but feel hurt by this…indifference. Especially recently. I had a miscarriage in November, just before we went to their house for Thanksgiving. We went to be with them, to be with family while we were recovering. They didn’t mention the miscarriage at all the first day, acting as if everything was normal. There was some offhand conversation about it, as if we were talking about repairs to the house. I was confused and hurt. Finally, my father-in-law told me privately that he had cried about our loss and was sorry. My mother-in-law never said sorry or expressed her condolences directly to me. She had said kind words to my husband on the phone, but I would have loved to hear them from her directly.
Happily, we became pregnant again in January, but now when they call, they hardly ask about me or the pregnancy. My family is showering me with attention, and though I don’t expect that from my in-laws, it would be nice not to sense such indifference, which I interpret — perhaps unfairly — as lack of caring.
My mother-in-law and I do get along, but she does criticize and boss from time to time. I don’t like it, but expect it in our relationship. I just wish I felt more warmth from her, like she was trying to relate to me on a deeper level.
My husband has an adopted brother, who lives close to his parents. They pay for his car, iron his jeans, wash his clothes, feed him whenever he wants, et cetera. (He’s 31, one year older than my husband.) He’s not the most cordial person to my mother-in-law — he can be quite the jackass, actually. They don’t ever forget his birthday or neglect to ask him how his job is going. He would certainly show his anger about this lack of attention if they did — I’ve been witness to this. I feel hurt about this too. They definitely treat him differently from my husband.
My husband assures me that they love me in their own way, and I understand and even believe it, but I am still hurt by their indifference. I don’t want to be an embittered daughter-in-law sulking in the corner, but they are so different from my open and loving family that their indifference and lack of caring hurts. With their first grandchild on the way, I want things to change positively, but I don’t know what to do. Do I instigate a talk with my mother-in-law, let her know some of my feelings about our relationship? Do I just accept it, suck it up, and deal?
Thanks — you kick ass by the way,
Going for Family Gold
Dear Gold,
I think you probably have to suck it up and deal, for a few reasons.
First of all, I can empathize with you, but some people just don’t feel comfortable expressing emotions — demonstrating overtly that they care, talking about personal subjects, what have you. It’s very frustrating sometimes, and it’s difficult not to take it personally, but that’s just how some folks work, and if you’re waiting for them to change or warm up or whatever, you’ll be waiting a while. Like, forever.
Which leads me to my second point, namely that you’ve known the family for a decade now. You should know by now that this is how they are. You want more closeness; you never get it. You look for plain, incontrovertible evidence that they care; you never find it. These people don’t operate like that. Accept it. It’s no one’s “fault.” It’s just the deal.
Not that I blame you for feeling annoyed and hurt, because who wouldn’t, but — and I don’t mean this to sound as harsh as it’s going to come out — I don’t know what you expected. Maybe you thought that an extreme emotional circumstance would finally let your in-laws open up to you, but with people like that, it’s usually the opposite. Emotion is messy. They don’t like it. Someone starts crying, they turn purple and leave to make a phone call. I know it’s lonely to deal with, but it’s how they are. You can’t change them. Ten-plus years of knowing them should have taught you that.
With that said, I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea for you to sit down with your mother-in-law and talk about the baby. You don’t have to get too deep with it; tell her you’re looking forward to spending a lot of time with her and the rest of the fam once the little one comes, and see what she says. Undemonstrative people prefer little gestures, showing instead of telling, playing it close. Read what they say and do more closely for signs. Don’t push them.
I have had love expressed to me in the form of a new L’il Tree air freshener for my car. It’s a matter of accepting that some people can’t just say it, can’t force themselves to, aren’t built that way. Learn to accept what they can give you, and to not make yourself miserable when it’s not what you’re used to.
Tags: etiquette the fam
