I’m writing this letter because I need an objective viewpoint, and everyone I turn to is somehow involved in this. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible, but it is a bit of a drawn-out situation (aren’t they all?) so please bear with me.

Last December, I became re-aquainted with someone I hadn’t seen in more than a year. We had met at a coffee house, and our friendship had been a very guarded and impersonal one. We had mutual respect for each other, and that was all. However, on seeing him again, we became very close in a very quick period of time. Partly because his best friend and my best friend are seriously dating, and partly because I was falling for him. I don’t know how strong his feelings were towards me, but it was obvious he was at least attracted to me.

In June, we began dating. It didn’t last very long. He has bipolar disorder, and apart from that is kind of immature for his age about dating. He couldn’t handle it after a while because he felt (rightly) that things had moved too fast, and he didn’t want to get hurt. So he dumped me and hurt me instead.

At first I was very hurt and angry. I decided never to speak to him again. I felt he hadn’t given our relationship a chance and he was just being cowardly. He, meanwhile, was going through guilt of such massive proportions that his best friend had to hide anything that might be used as a weapon. Several weeks passed, and I decided to try and be friends again. After all, he had been my friend first and we had become extremely close. He was (and is) the most important person in my life, apart from my family, and I didn’t want to just throw that away because a little bit of sex got in the way. So I scolded him a bit and then said that we should try to just be friends for a while and see what happens. He said he would try, but it would be very hard, because he still had feelings for me.

We have been trying the friends thing now for some time, and it is extremely difficult. I can put on a good face, but I come home very sad sometimes. He is much more unstable about the whole thing. Some days he will be absolutely fine, but other days he is near suicidal for reasons related to me only on the surface. It has been a day-to-day process, and I want to be there for my friend and help him in this difficult transition in his life. He is moving out, he is going to start school again, and for the first time in his life, he is Staying instead of Running. I don’t really want to take credit for all of this…I think he is just sort of growing up, but there’s no question that I have been a motivator in his recent life.

However, my mind changes every day on what to do…even though I try not to show how confused I am. Some days I think I should stop talking to him, because I am still in love with him and it is really painful. Some days I think staying friends with him is the best thing for everyone — though I do realize there are selfish reasons involved. (I want to be around him.) Sometimes I entertain thoughts of getting back together, even though I know it would be an unmitigated disaster. (I know he thinks about it too, and sometimes refrains from being alone with me because he feels it would be “counterproductive.”)

So my question is this: Am I doing the right thing here? If I am, what else can I do to help my friend through this difficult time? I don’t know anything about bipolar disorder, and his erratic behavior saddens and confuses me at times. If I’m not doing the right thing, and am only being in his words “counterproductive,” then what do you in your objective wisdom suggest that I do?

Thank you for reading all of this hoo-ha,
Utterly and dismally confused

I have some workplace-related problems in my brand-new
job, and I would appreciate your advice about them.
I’m an ESL teacher. I was one of 70 teachers in my
city to get laid off recently, and this week I accepted
a job as a long-term substitute in a
different school district. It was my only offer, so I
took it.

The background to my current problems originated when
we talked salary. Okay, so I should have understood the
salary before accepting the job. Apparently, subs
don’t get the same pay scale as regular teachers.
Regular teachers get paid according to a
non-negotiable salary scale based on educational
background and years of experience. I have my master’s
degree, a year of experience, and am certified, but as
a “long-term sub” I will only be paid what someone
with a bachelor’s degree and no experience would
make — the difference is $4000.

At first I thought it was a clerical mistake and I
called to correct them. Lots of back and forth between
me, the personnel department, and my new supervisor,
and it turns out that no, this is what all subs are paid
and they can’t make a “special exception” for me. I
told my supervisor that I hadn’t been asking for a
“special exception” — that I had just ASS-umed my
salary would be according to the scale. She was nice,
sympathetic, et cetera on the phone. I confirmed that I had
made the commitment to take the job, and said that I
should have been more alert about the salary. She said
it was a learning experience for her too, because all
of a sudden there are so many overqualified people
turning into long-term subs. Anyway, we were both
professional on the phone and the conversation went
well, I thought, although not the way I wanted it to,
and no hard feelings at the end.

I didn’t tell her, or anyone, but I am fortunate
enough not to be dependent on my salary at this point
in my life. My husband makes good money, we have no
debts and no children (yet!) and $4000 one way or the
other is not going to break us. The problem was the
feeling that I was not being paid what I was entitled
to and that they were not respecting me. This all
happened yesterday.

My current problems stem from yesterday’s problem.
Today after the new teacher orientation, I went to the
school to get myself situated, unpack the books,
arrange the classroom.

The first problem is: Perhaps predictably, today my
supervisor was rather cool to me, I got the vibe that
she was not interested in talking to me. She did
answer my questions and show me the supply room and
acted professionally. However, I did not get the same
impression of approachability and friendliness that I
had gotten from her during the interview and over the
phone. I tell myself that she had other things to do
today besides make me comfortable and that explains
her distance. However, I think part of it has to do
with the fact that I was criticizing my salary to the
extent I did (calling her twice). I don’t know if I’m
being paranoid or if she now thinks I’m a
troublemaker.

My second problem is that without grandstanding like I
did on the phone about my salary, I want the other
teachers to realize that yes, I’m just like them, I’m
certified, I have my master’s, I used to be a “real
teacher” and not a sub. I want to get the status of a
“real teacher.” I’m going to be there for half the
school year, maybe the whole year. I want to be treated as an
equal and be involved in their planning — because in
addition to doing my own thing, I want my ESL lessons
to expand on what the children will be doing the rest
of the day (reinforcing the vocabulary and concepts
that the other teachers are going to be teaching).
Today I met one of the teachers I will be working with,
and we talked about whether I should pull the ESL kids
out from her room or go in and work together with her.
Everything is unplanned right now because I will be
working with several teachers and we all need to sit
down and coordinate. If I do go in to other teachers’
classrooms, I don’t want to be treated like I’m an
aide; I want it up front that I’m a TEACHER.

My plan for interacting with my supervisor is to just
not mention the salary again because that conversation
is over, not refer to it, just treat her normally and
hope that she warms up to me.

My plan for all my fellow teachers is to be a little
aggressive in asking all of them to get in a group
with me at the school-wide workshop next week and do
the scheduling as a group, and let everyone know that
I want to interact with them to help the children
learn as much as possible, but also get it across that
I’m not an aide and not just a sub…in a non-snotty
way.

Any advice or comments would be welcomed; thanks for
listening.

Not Just A Sub

Here is my problem: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I have never had an
orgasm. Not for lack of trying, though. I have had numerous partners, gone
through four vibrators, and have read the self-help literature on the subject.
However, every time that I feel like I am about to come, I get
super-sensitized and I can’t have anything touching me any more. Very
annoying. So I suppose that I should get talking to my doctor about
this…or maybe some Vine readers have had some similar experiences?

Anyways, here is where I could use some advice…how do I handle this
“problem” when I am about to have sex with a new guy? I am sexually active,
and I tend to have sex as soon as possible with a guy. I generally tend to
bring the boys home after a night out at the bar, and it is not something
that I want to blurt out before we get down and heavy — “by the way, I don’t
orgasm, so don’t feel bad.” The problem is that if I don’t tell them, (some)
guys tend to spend their time trying to make me orgasm, and then I think
that they feel bad afterwards that I didn’t. Maybe I should tell them
afterwards? Sigh…any insights that you have into how I should handle
telling/not telling my next boy about my nonexistent O would be
appreciated.

Sincerely,
No O for me

Now, I love my parents. My mother has always told me that more than mother
and daughter, we are friends, and I genuinely enjoy her and my dad’s
company. I have been very independent since leaving their home to attend
college. Although they helped me to finance my college education, I paid as
much of it as I could through scholarships and jobs. I have always found and
paid for my apartments by myself, I made the decision to attend grad school
(and obviously pay for it) by myself — I don’t want to overload on
examples here, but I just want to point out that the cord was cut a long
time ago. With one notable exception.

Though I am not a psychiatrist, I am fairly certain that my parents, who are
both immigrants, suffer from a form of anxiety disorder. These two people —
who are remarkably bright and logical — completely lose every shred of
common sense when it comes to me — more so than is “parental.” This is most
glaringly true of my father.

My father calls me every day. More than once or twice a day, but at
different intervals — on my cell, on my land line — he doesn’t really care
where I am, as long as I am alive. And if, for example, I have been home on
a Wednesday at 6 PM every week for a couple of weeks, he completely loses
it if one time I’m not. I am a grad student and still tell my parents every
time I leave my apartment, not because I need their permission, but because
they become completely paralyzed with fear and worry if I am not home, but
was not scheduled to go out.

For much of my junior year, for example, I would be woken up by a hang-up
call– like clockwork — at 8 AM. Only when I told my mom about this, and
she advised me to call the campus police, did we figure out that it was my
father who was calling me. He just wanted to know that I was alive.
Moreover, after he stopped calling, he started driving by my apartment in
the mornings (I went to school about two and a half hours away from home) to
make sure my car was in the parking lot. When I would have to work late, he
would drive by my work’s parking lot to make sure my car was there, and then
there was that ugly “calling my roommate five times in an hour when I went out
to dinner” episode.

My father needs to have daily assurance that I am still alive, is basically
the point. And it’s beyond all sense of logic. If he knows that I am driving
somewhere, he will always call my cell phone to make sure I made it there
(even to the drug store ten minutes away). On a night where I am out at a
loud bar late and can’t hear a phone, for example, its not strange for my
cell phone to log about 20-30 calls from my dad. My mom has told me that
sometimes when I’m out late, he is so worried that it is physically
impossible for her to have a conversation with him.

Now, this has been slightly alleviated by the fact that I went to get my MA
at a school outside of the U.S. Here, I don’t have to worry that my father
will drive past my house, and it’s a comforting feeling. The problem is that
the best PhD programs in my field are located in the same area code as my
parents, and just the idea of even applying to these schools makes me tense.
But the thing is, I enjoy spending time with my parents; my mom and I have a
lot in common, and I do consider her a good friend. I call her regularly
because I want to tell her a funny thing that happened, or to discuss a
class, to hear how her day was, make fun of her boss with her and so on. I
just cannot fathom seven more years of hang-up calls and my father driving by my
apartment.

I know graduate school is not summer camp and you don’t go for the scenery
and the good times. I know that academia is competitive and your future is
based on your dissertation committee. I am well aware of all these facts,
not to mention that numerous professors have looked at me like I was some
high school senior looking for a school with the best parties when I told
them that I was uncomfortable living close to my parents. Every professor
I’ve spoken to thinks I have a good chance of getting into the best schools
in my field, and that I would be an idiot to pass up this opportunity. And
yet, while I have done hours and hours of research on all the other programs
(contacting professors and students), I have a hard time even logging on to
the websites of the two schools in my parents’ state.

I have had countless discussions with my parents about the whole thing, but
nothing helps. My dad admits he has a problem, but he says he just loves me
and doesn’t want anything to happen to me. And yes, theoretically, I could
just deliberately stop answering their frantic messages — but I love my
parents, and it hurts me to know that while I am having a good time
somewhere, they are going crazy wondering if I am okay. At the same time, I
am not sure I can live in the same state with them again.

So my question: Do I just suck it up and apply to these schools — knowing
full well there would be pressure to attend — for the sake of my future?
And am I just overreacting on the whole parent thing?

Thanks so much,
Student with parent problems

After having spent almost ten years in Silicon Valley Hell, I’m finally
facing up to the fact that I want to do something more with my life
than churn out software that people could (honestly) live without. I’ve
loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil, and have been doing
more of it lately — and loving it.

I spent a year in France with my husband, and kept a website updated
with our adventures there. It was mostly a site for family and friends,
as I left it to my husband to update, which left me at his mercy. Now
I’ve learned enough to get my own site up and maintained, and while
it’s no beauty yet, it’s live and I’m thrilled.

Now that I’m back and writing again, I’d like to get more exposure than
I do. Your site is so much fun, and I’d be really interested in any
advice you can give on how to get more readership. I’m not trying to
make any money on the site — it’s just a fame and glory thing, not a
money thing.

Any advice you may have would be wonderful!

Just want ’em to like me — really like me