The Vine: March 19, 2004
Dear Sars,
I know that you have handled some interesting cat experiences in the past, as well as handled some puzzling questions from your other readers, so I was wondering if you could give me a hand here.
Our nine-month-old kitten is an absolute delight. We love her, she loves us, our older cats love her, she worships the ground they sleep on, et cetera. However. Certain noises seem to offend her. By “seem to,” I mean that when she hears something she doesn’t like, she rushes right over to bite whoever is making this sound. For instance, if the wife is playing a handheld computer game and the sound is on, the kitten will race over and sink her newly grownup teeth into the wife’s arm. This will also happen if she hears me singing, one of the older cats crying, or something like a pen being tapped on the table.
My question is, how do we punish her for this behavior? In the case of my singing, I can’t exactly punish her for having taste. Same thing with all the other sounds she wigs about. They’re obnoxious. However, unlike the rest of us, she can’t just tune them out.
Being a rambunctious kitten, we constantly have to use the spray bottle on her anyway, and I’m reluctant to spray her for this, too. Is there anything that we can do to teach her that, yes that noise is bad and should be stopped, but please save those pointy little fangs for the herring treats, thanks?
I’d appreciate any help you can give us in the matter, Sars.
Human Chew Toy
Dear Toy,
The only thing you can really do to “teach” her not to bite is to spray her when she does it, to deter the behavior. She won’t really “learn” not to do it, per se, but she’ll bite you less.
Some kittens stay in the bitey phase nearly until adulthood, but eventually, they grow out of it. When she’s dashing towards you in bite mode, spritz her, and just wait for her to get over it.
Dear Sars,
There’s a sticky problem my co-workers and I have been struggling with for
many months now, and last night it occurred to me to run it by you. Short
story…my/our boss is losing his mind. Here’s the background:
It started innocently enough about three years ago. He’d act like he told
you something that he never did. Ask you to research something about five
times in two weeks — the SAME thing. It got to where I’d just run him a
photo copy of what I gave him a couple of days before and he’d be happy.
Then it started getting worse. We’d review a design presentation with him
that was going out the next day. He’d make his comments and then clear it
to go to the client. When we’d be packing up the presentation to ship the
next day, he’d come in and say, “Don’t you all think I should review this
before it goes out?” …?! We are a design firm, and oftentimes, he’d
look at a design presentation that he’d seen just the day before and act
like he’d never seen it in his life. These “episodes” happened about once a
month or every other month for a while.
Now the really freaky part…about two months ago, our boss and one of our
designers flew up north for a design presentation. About 20 minutes into
the flight, our boss gets up and starts roaming around the plane. The
designer thinks maybe he’s looking for the bathroom and doesn’t think much
about it. Boss ends up back at the front of the plane (near his seat, so
Designer could hear the entire conversation), and starts asking the flight
attendant if she’s seen his daughter and granddaughter. They were
supposedly traveling with him. Flight attendant looks at Designer a little
bewildered and Designer just tells Boss, “They’re not here, Doug…come on
and sit down.” Boss sits down, falls asleep, and is perfectly normal when
he wakes up. Designer comments that Boss looks “strange”…”wild-eyed”…and says he doesn’t think Boss could have been drunk or sleepwalking.
The consensus here is that he’s getting Alzheimer’s or something. But we’re
not completely sure what to do about it. It’s a small firm with a
worldwide reputation based on him and his name. He’s a very proud man and
I’m not sure he wants to hear any of us questioning his judgment. We’re
just hoping he won’t have an episode in front of a client or while traveling
alone. We do know his wife and wondered if we should talk with her. We’re
worried about him mostly, and our company and jobs secondary. He’s a
wonderful man, but losing it.
How would you handle this situation?
Disturbed Designers
Dear DDs,
Before you do anything, document everything as completely as possible — dates, times, client names, who witnessed the forgetfulness. Make it as neutral as you can; try not to editorialize with stuff like “wild-eyed” unless you have to.
Next, figure out if there’s anyone else within the company to whom you can take your concerns before you get his family involved; you want to cover your bases there first. But if there isn’t a board of directors or any sort of consultant figure you can discuss it with, you will probably have to meet with his wife.
I would nominate two people to do it — preferably people who have witnessed a number of these incidents and have a fair amount of time with the company. These people should stress that the situation is extremely uncomfortable for them, but they’re worried primarily about his health and safety, and if she has any insights there, they’d appreciate it, because they really don’t know how to handle this.
I guess you could argue that it’s the fairer thing to confront Boss himself first, but frankly, I don’t think that’s a realistic option in this situation; you can hope that he’ll stomp home and bitch about it to his wife, who, having noticed a certain flakiness around the house of late, will then take the opportunity to insist that he go to a neurologist, or whatever, but that apparently hasn’t happened yet. And you could wait for it to get bad enough that she notices it on her own, and you could sort of cover for him short-term and hope someone else will step in, but…he’s actively disoriented in public, and I think that, when it gets to that point, you have to skip over the correct business etiquette and do what it takes to get the guy to a doctor.
Good luck; keep us posted.
Sars,
First off, let me say that I love Tomato Nation. I’ve been reading The Vine for a while, and you seem to give good advice, so I was wondering what you’d have to say about my friend’s predicament.
My friend — let’s call her “Rachel” — has a boyfriend. She met him in a chat room about two months ago, and he said he was sixteen. Rachel is fifteen, so it seemed like a good age. They kept up a steady correspondence through emails, chats, and phone calls. Recently, Boyfriend told Rachel he was moving to our area. She was ecstatic, of course, and looked forward to his relocation.
Problem. Recently Boyfriend told Rachel that he was nineteen, and had lied before because he thought she’d never go out with him if she knew he was nineteen. He claims that he only told her this one lie, and would never lie to her about anything else. Now Rachel is depressed and not sure what to do.
I personally think it’s pretty creepy for a 19-year-old to claim to be in love with a 15-year-old. I asked Rachel about when Boyfriend told her he was sixteen, and she said that he told her the first time they met in a chat room. I don’t think he could have decided he wanted to go out with her immediately after they met, and certainly not enough to justify lying about his age for two months. This whole thing is giving off a bad vibe to me, but Rachel doesn’t want to break up with him, because she says she still loves him. Personally, I’m not so sure about what to do. I think the right move would be for her to break up with him, but I don’t know for sure. She has had one relationship before, also an internet relationship, and she had a really tough time ending it.
I guess I have two questions. Should she break up with him, and if so, how should she do it so that it’s easiest for her?
Signed,
Calling It Creepy
Dear And Rightly So,
Yes, she should break up with him, because ew. I mean, nothing against 15-year-olds, obviously, but well-adjusted 19-year-olds hang out with other 19-year-olds, mostly — and Lord knows they don’t lie about being younger. Why isn’t Boyfriend out trying to scam his way into a bar with kids his own age instead of trying to convince a girl it’s probably illegal for him to date that he loves her — when he’s never even met her?
It’s probably nothing all that sinister — he’s just kind of a dink, I suspect — but either way, no. As far as making it easier on her, well, he lied to her, and again, they’ve never met. It doesn’t get much easier than that. I think she needs to break up with him, and I think she needs to spend some time on her own, thinking about why she would get that involved emotionally with a guy who’s immature and dishonest when, you know, she’s never laid eyes on the guy anyway. Sorry to keep harping on that, because I know plenty of people whose relationships have started online, but nobody lied about their ages in those cases, so…I mean, really.
I also think she needs to consider how her parents would react if and when they find out about it. Sneak preview: Not well.
Sars,
In your reply to “Glad I finally had some questions to write to The Vine
about,” you said that she had punctuated the sentence
Or should I call him from the other coast and say, “Guess where I’m
calling from!”?
correctly.
Far be it from me to question your punctuationalist street cred, but I was
told at a young age (young enough that I don’t remember which teacher it
was), “No matter how stupid or illogical it seems, the period, exclamation
point, or question mark in a sentence that ends in a quotation lies inside
the quotation marks!”
What gives?
Misled for Years?
Dear Misled,
That rule does apply most of the time, but you have to use common sense. If you punctuate the sentence in question that way, it reads, “Or should I call him from the other coast and say, ‘Guess where I’m calling from!?'” The result is that the quotation now has a tone of bewilderment, which isn’t the intent; she’s asking (question mark) if she should exclaim (exclamation point). If she had asked whether she should ask something — i.e. “Or should I call him from the other coast and say, ‘What are you wearing?'” — then the one question mark covers both jobs, her question to me and her question in the quotation marks, so she wouldn’t need to put any punctuation outside the quotation marks.
I have no idea if that made any sense at all. Let me grab the Garner; he’s usually more concise than I.
Hmm. Garner has only this to add: “Note that when the end of an interrogatory or an exclamatory sentence coincides with the end of another sentence that embraces it, the stronger mark of punctuation is sufficient to end both sentences. A period need not also be included.” That doesn’t really help us here; I suppose you could argue that that means she ought to cut the exclamation point entirely, but…meh.
Again, I think it’s a matter of common sense. The way it’s currently punctuated indicates fairly clearly that she’s inquiring about an exclamation; punctuating it any other way obscures that.
Hi, Sars:
So. I have a large group of friends. We’ve been close
since college, and since we live in the same area,
we’ve been able to remain close. One of our friends,
“Tyler,” starting dating a woman (“Lyndsey”) a few
years ago that we all dislike. She’s rude to all of
us, and very controlling with Tyler. She admonishes
him in public like a parent, doesn’t “allow” him to do
what he wants, and is a basically all-around insecure
control freak. She has been downright nasty to the
females of our friend group and has told Tyler he’s
not allowed to hang out with the females if no men are
around. She snoops through his things (he’s caught
her more than once), insults his clothes, career
choice, family, et cetera. She’s a nightmare.
Tyler is a passive sweetheart and doesn’t use the pair
he has to stand up to her. Once, about a year ago,
Tyler asked a few of us what we thought of Lyndsey and
we were honest with him. He was very hurt and didn’t
speak to us for a few days. Passive. I know. But
the subject was never brought up again.
The problem? They just got engaged and are going to
be married in six months. This is what we’ve all been
dreading. I, personally, am vomitous at even watching
Tyler marry this woman. I, however, love Tyler like a
brother and feel I should support him in whatever he
chooses, but, damn, this is difficult.
The question: Would it be rude to not attend the
wedding? And either way, if I send a gift, is there
any polite way of specifying that the gift is for Tyler and
not his new bride? Frankly, I’m almost past the point
of caring whether Lyndsey is insulted, but I do want
to maintain some sort of respect for Tyler.
Thanks, Sars.
Does Anyone Object? Uh, yeah, ME.
Dear Object,
No, it’s not rude not to attend the wedding, as long as you can confine yourself to declining the invitation without comment. Send your regrets, mention a pre-existing scheduling conflict, whatever; if you can’t stomach watching Tyler marry Lyndsey and you don’t want your presence to imply that you approve, don’t go, but don’t make a federal case out of it, either.
But there is no polite way to specify that the gift is only for Tyler and not for Lyndsey, and for you even to ask is ridiculous, because you know it’s rude; that’s why you want to do it in the first place. I mean, if you want to do it anyway, go ahead, but you don’t get to pat yourself on the back for doing it “politely” when it’s petty and mean. Maybe she deserves it, but if you sink to her level, you’ll have to own that. Sorry.
If you really want to “maintain some respect for” Tyler, stop making his wedding about you. Accept or decline the wedding invitation, send them both a gift or don’t, but he’s marrying her and you don’t get a vote. Make your peace with it, preferably in a way that doesn’t make you look like a jackass.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships grammar workplace
