The Vine: March 2, 2001
Here is my problem, Sars.
I’m married. And I have a best friend. Apparently, according to my husband, that’s not a good thing. He is very jealous of my best friend, to the point where any time I talk on the phone with my best friend there’s always a fight waiting for me the second I hang up the phone.
He used to be a really nice guy. He wasn’t jealous, he didn’t whine about everything, and above all he was affectionate. But for almost a year, he’s been really unresponsive to my affections. And in the past month, I have been unresponsive to his. And now he’s talking about leaving. All because he had to endure for one month what I’ve had to endure for one year.
He keeps talking about leaving, but never does it. He always says he was lying about wanting to leave. I am so goddamned sick of these divorce scares every time I try to do something for myself. He is turning into his mother. And she is selfish, ignorant, crabby, whiny, intolerant, and cares way too much about what people think. He used to be none of those things. And now he is all of them.
I guess my question is…what should I do? I know people say I should leave him. If I didn’t love him, that would be great and easy. But I do. There’s my problem. How can I quit something I’ve put so much of my time, love, effort, and heart into? I know if one of us leaves, it will break me. And I can’t afford to break anymore.
In Fucking Hell
Dear In Hell,
It won’t break you — and it’s a good thing, too, because you’ve got to leave.
You don’t have to leave forever; start with just a weekend. Pack a bag, tell him you’re leaving for a few days to get your head on straight, and when you get back, you want to talk to him openly and honestly about what’s gone wrong in your marriage.
Spend the weekend considering your options and getting honest with yourself about the prospects for saving the relationship. Why do you suppose your husband is acting the way he has? Why do you suppose you’ve tolerated it for so long? Do you think counseling would help, either jointly or separately? If he refuses to work on things, where will you go?
Because, make no mistake, you should go. He’s making you miserable, he’s clearly unhappy himself, and love isn’t always enough. Give yourself some credit, and don’t settle for an empty marriage if there’s no hope of fixing it.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships
