The Vine: March 2, 2004
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! I have a problem worthy of Sars’s
attention!
In a nutshell, we have two neurotic cats, both indoor/outdoor and much
calmer for it. We’re in a pretty quiet neighborhood, with the
exception of neighborbullybitchcatfromhell, who is making our lives a
living hell. He/she has already kicked the crap out of one of our cats
twice and is now making daily forays into our house. This morning, the
ruckus was so bad, the kitty door is now in pieces on our back porch.
Unfortunately, we don’t know where neighborbullybitchcatfromhell
“belongs,” since it doesn’t wear a tag and escapes from our yard in
different directions every time. So we can’t talk to its owner. My
husband is all for catching and collaring it with a strongly worded
missive to its owner. I’m not so sure that’s the best way to handle it.
I’m guessing your first suggestion will be to make our beasties
indoor-only, but if you could see how much calmer and happier they are
for being able to wander a bit…? And locking the door so it’s out
only and making them ask to come in…makes me nervous, what with
neighborbullybitchcatfromhell prowling. I’ve seen those radio-collar
kinds of kitty doors, but one of our cats is a supergenius at getting
out of collars and he likes to sit right by the door anyway, which
would just set the thing off anyway.
Help!
Drowning in Strange Cat Fur and Vet Bills
Dear Drowning,
Yes, you should make the beasties indoor only — at least for now, and at least at night. The Bunting cat who traditionally took the worst beatings at the hands of the local fauna, Dusty, is now confined to quarters after dark, and is a lot less bloody for it.
So, don’t let them out unless you can keep an eye on them for a while, and start doing some detective work to figure out who the cat belongs to — ask around on the street, or post signs (don’t accuse the cat of anything, mind you; just post a full description and your email address, and mention that you think the cat is lost).
I hesitate to recommend calling Animal Control, but if you spot the cat and it looks ill, you should make the call. First, though, see if you can’t track down the owner and have a polite word with him or her about confining the cat to quarters — but if you can’t find the owner, or if he/she declines to keep the cat inside, you’ll have to “walk” the cats when they go out.
Hi Sars,
I have a couple grammar-maven questions. At work I
attend a lot of business meetings, and sometimes the
language just makes me itch. There are a couple
things I’ve been wondering about, though, because I’m
not actually sure whether they’re wrong, or if it’s
just residual itching from new and exciting verbs like
“to action.” To what?
Anyway, the first is “to grow.” It sounds fine to me
to say “I grow plants.” So why does it sound so wrong
when someone says, “We will grow the business” or “He
needs to grow support for that”? I keep chanting
“increase, increase” under my breath, which I think
would make more sense, but I’m not completely sure the
use of “to grow” is wrong. Dictionary.com calls it a
usage problem, but if it is, then is it also wrong to
grow plants?
The second came in an email with my new favourite
verb. “I will action your email upon my return.”
(Gah.) I think we’re all pretty clear on the first
problem here, but what about “upon”? Maybe it’s just
early, but I can’t think of many uses for “upon” where
“on” wouldn’t do just as well. What’s the difference?
Is it ever more correct to use “upon,” or is it just
another in a long string of ways to add a syllable for
a syllable’s sake?
Thanks in advance for your help. I’d hate to be
misplacing my rage.
Itchy Secretary
Dear Itchy,
Viz. “to grow,” see the last letter here.
As far as “upon” goes, the 11C lists the first definition as “ON”; the second definition has two parts, both “obs” — “on the surface : on it,” and “THEREAFTER, THEREON.” In other words, using “upon” instead of “on” is on the formal/archaic side, but not incorrect.
But.
Garner distinguishes between using “upon” to mean “on top of” and using it to mean “on the occasion of” or “when.” “Upon” to mean “physically resting on” he describes as “inferior when a shorter, simpler, and more direct word will suffice,” but the usage you cite is “quite justifiable,” because it implies a time at which the action will occur.
Obviously, “I’ll answer this when I get back” is preferred in the first place, but that’s not the world we live in.
Dear all-knowing Sars,
My wife has recently started taking a new medication, one of the side
effects of which is weight gain. In the three months she’s been taking it, she
has gained about ten pounds — not a huge amount, but enough that her clothes
don’t fit right.
Now, my question is probably not what you might think. I like the way she
looks with the extra pounds. I like it a lot. Of course, I thought she was
beautiful before, but the weight she’s gained makes her look, I don’t know,
softer and more cuddly. I don’t know how much more weight she’ll gain
because of the meds, or if she plans to try and lose that weight, but I kind
of don’t want her to.
I love my wife, and she’d be gorgeous no matter what
size she was, but if given the choice, I’d opt for this new version. Is
there any way for me to suggest that I’d like it if she kept the weight
she’s put on?
Thanks,
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Dear Hooked,
Positive reinforcement, my good man. Shower her new bod with compliments — I’d avoid any explicit reference to what she looked like before, or use of words like “better” or “now,” because she might infer from that that if she does lose the weight, you won’t like it and blah dee blah. Just make it clear that you really dig the new, curvier her.
Hey Sars…long-time listener, first-time caller. I have a minor ethical dilemma that I was hoping you could help me with.
About a year ago, my grandmother gave me a gi-normous fur coat. She had owned the coat for decades and loved it, but was moving to sunny California so would have no further use for it. Now I’m not sure what to do with it.
Of course, the idea of wearing a garment that hundreds of little minks, or whatever, gave their life for disturbs me greatly. I also feel that wearing a fur coat validates the culture of fur, and that by wearing it I am giving the message that buying fur is acceptable, which I don’t believe. BUT I also feel like if the animals are already dead, it’s just as morally wrong to make their deaths a waste by not using the coat. At least if I wear it, they’ll have given their lives to make me warm rather than to sit in the back of my closet.
What do you think? Should I wear it? Put it away? Sell it, and possibly insult my grandmother and face the guilt of getting rid of a family heirloom?
Guilt-ridden Granddaughter
Dear Guilt,
Poll your family, quietly, and see if anyone else wants/would have use for it; then, if your grandmother asks, you can tell her that Such-And-So adored the coat and is getting much better use out of it than you would have.
Failing that, put it in storage at the dry cleaner. I don’t know how much that costs, but I think they charge a small monthly fee for them to pop the mink in the deep freeze; that way, you can keep the mink, it won’t get mothy, and you don’t have to have it in the house.
Sars,
Love The Vine.
I am a divorced (for seven years) single mom of a great kid (elementary school-age). So I just turned 36, and recently met a terrific man who has an daughter (also elementary school-age) he adores. He’s 45, kind, affectionate, successful and seems to be a devoted dad (we haven’t introduced each other to our kids yet — waiting to see if there is long-term relationship potential here) — blah, blah, blah. I really care about this man, and he is crazy about me. He remembers everything I say, he cooks, he is responsible and very centered. He just ROCKS, Sars, and believe me when I tell you, I have kissed a LOT of frogs, and I sure know prince material when I see it.
So of course there’s a problem. Or maybe not even a problem, just a thing. He dropped the whole “I like wearing women’s underwear and clothes” thing last night. He’s turned on by it, but hasn’t done it more than twice in his life because of the shame issues involved.
Now, I think I am a little freaked out because it didn’t bother me all that much. He is worried that it’s going to be a huge dealbreaker for me, and I guess I just need to feel that it’s a safe thing. I know next to nothing about this particular bent. Any correlation between cross-dressing and bisexuality? Pedophilia? Is baby-cakes going to come home one day announcing that he wants to change his name to Shirley? I know I sound terribly naive, but I know you’ll give me the straight dope on it.
I think I am falling hard for this guy, and have no problem if he wants to borrow my garters. I just want to make sure that I am not guaranteeing a problem for me and/or my son by being in a relationship with someone who does this.
Thanks so much!
That’ll Be Woolite for Two, Please
Dear Woolite,
I believe that cross-dressing is pretty much its own reward, so to speak — on its own, it certainly doesn’t indicate any pathology, or mean that he’s gay. It’s just a thing some guys like to do. But if you have doubts about it, you should ask him, not me; I don’t know what cross-dressing correlates to, and in any case, it isn’t relevant. You want to know what his deal is, not what “most people” do. So, ask.
If it’s just that he likes to wear a satin G-string now and then, fine. You can set some ground rules about when he does it and who gets to see him in a French maid’s outfit — i.e. not your son — but it’s really nothing to worry about unless your spidey-sense is telling you that there’s something else he’s not telling you.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette grammar sex the fam
