Just wanted to add my two pennies’ worth regarding the woman who is hurt by the indifference of her in-laws. I know what she’s dealing with, because I have felt it as well — my mother-in-law is a fantastic woman and I love and admire her — she’s in my Top Three Women list, for sure. But she’s…strange. She won’t actually congratulate me if I get a new job or a promotion, and she won’t actually say anything to me if I get made redundant or am being treated for depression. She is always helpful and kind, but she just doesn’t express any personal feelings to me at all.

At first it bothered me and I’d have a (subtle, so as not to cause a big fight) whine about it to my husband, but now I’ve realised that the relationship her and I have is actually okay as it is. Sure, I’m also used to having a big expressive family that talks about everything, but not everybody is like that. And a mother-in-law who was giving me her opinions or telling me what was what every five minutes would definitely not be a good thing, particularly when we come to have kids.

So, although the woman wanting advice was not quite satisfied, I think she should look on the positive side of her relationship with her in-laws and just rely on her own family for the more supportive stuff.

Cheers,
Not the Novelist

It’s a long story, but I’ll try to shorten it as much as I can. My best friend from college (and college was close to fifteen years ago) has been married and living in a suburb of D.C. for about twelve years. Her husband, who I never knew very well, has had a long history of substance abuse problems, although the first I knew about them was the time about seven or eight years ago, when he was arrested for forging prescriptions. I assumed at that time that he was getting into rehab, et cetera. The whole time they’d been married he had been a successful business owner, making tons of money, allowing her to stay home with their kids, et cetera.

My friend and I had kind of lost touch over the years, although I knew she had a second child about five-six years ago (so now she has an eleven-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl, something like that). After Sept. 11, she looked me up to make sure I was okay (as did many of my old friends — thank you, old friends!) and we’ve been communicating, mostly via IMs, ever since.

It turns out that her husband (let’s call him “Shithead,” unless that will offend some of your readers) has been living in the basement for the past three years, has now had three felony drug convictions, has no job, has no hope of getting a job, and is just generally a horrible, horrible person to be around. He never leaves the house, and it makes her nervous to leave the kids with him when she goes out, which she has to because she is running a business out of her home that requires her to be out evenings and weekends.

So she sent me an IM today, telling me that she’d had it, she’s calling a lawyer, because yesterday Shithead got so drunk that she couldn’t wake him up, and she had to scream at her kids to keep them from going to try to get him for dinner (not wanting them to see him in that state, which would have terrified them). We went back and forth a bit, and then she said she was going to work on her résumé. She is worried that her son is going to be devastated, and although I keep pointing out that this is no fit male role model for a young boy, I think she’s really worried about separating the two of them. Oh, and while he was drunk last night, Shithead also told her that the son is the only person he cares about (meaning, I suppose, that he doesn’t care about her or her daughter). Personally, I think that being drunk must be a violation of his parole, and that she should call his parole officer and get his ass thrown back in jail — but she seems hesitant to do that.

This is an awful story, isn’t it? I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just want to help her, although I know from past experience that if I push too much, she’ll change the subject or get offline. Is there anything you can think of that I can do to help her? I wish I had money to lend her so she could get the hell out of there, but I really don’t. She doesn’t ask for anything, and says that my being her friend is enough, as she feels like she doesn’t have any real friends or family where she lives, but I want so badly to do something to help her. Just tell me if you can think of anything. Thanks.

I’m Really Upset