I just moved to a new town. My landlady is living upstairs from me,
and she seems very nice, if a bit odd. Anyway, there are two porches
on the house, upstairs and down. Hers is upstairs, and ours is
supposedly downstairs but she’s pretty much around it all the time.
We’ve already butted heads a little, as she told us when we moved in
that we would be putting the downstairs water in our name, not
mentioning that her constant lawn watering would also be on our bill.
I’ve talked to her about it, and she’s one of those of those people
who talks around a problem so much so fast that you can’t really have
any semblance of a real conversation. My husband wants to wait until
the first bill to see if it’s worth really getting into a pissing
match with her. Long story short, there is already a little tension
with the landlady and the porch.

Okay, so the real problem. I know you feel the same way about cats
and responsibility as me, so this is why I’m writing. The landlady
feeds strays from her porch. At first, I wasn’t TOO concerned. There
didn’t seem to be too many, and god knows I don’t want any kitty
hunger. Now though, I notice there are at least eight or nine different cats
on and around the porch at different times. Then I had suspected that
one of the cats had kittens, and slowly I realized that she did. Then
I saw that she had three. Now I’ve found out that there are, in fact,
six. The kittens are totally scared of humans and won’t let me near
them — well, one did briefly. I actually got a nasty bite from another
one of them. Basically, the landlady is giving the cats just enough
nutrition to become little breeding machines, adding to an already
bad feral cat population.

Last night, I saw that one of the kittens had bloated, oozy, infected
eyes which were completely swollen shut. I slowly calmed her down,
and actually got her to let me hold her. After several hours, I was
able to work on her eyes a little bit. I kept her in last night, and
she was crying and meowing all night. This morning I was really
upset. I do not want another cat. My own cat just died last year from
chronic renal failure. My husband and I just finished with three
months of daily medication and sub-q fluids, and a heartbreaking decline and eventual euthanasia for my
kitty. And well over a thousand dollars in vet bills. I do NOT want
to go through this again. He, well — he definitely doesn’t.

I called every organization in town, and no one can help me with a
sickly kitten basically. My options boil down to the Humane Society,
at which they told me I was basically looking at euthanasia for a
sickly feral cat. I just can’t do that — I mean, she’s actually
turning out sweet, and I’m hoping that if I can get her well and
pretty, I might be able to find a home. I took her to the vet today,
and they gave me ointment. For a three times daily application. How
do I keep getting into this? Point is, I guess I’ve now committed to
a cat I don’t want and to getting her well, trained, and into a home.

Okay, the main focus of my question: What the hell do I do with the
other cats? The vet tells me that the virus the kitten has is almost
certainly infecting the rest of the litter. I am not willing to sit
here and watch this entire litter grow up into sickly crusty cats or
little breeding machines. I called animal control just to find out
options, and they tell me that according to Georgia law that if a
person is feeding the cats, they are, by law, the owner of the cats.
So, basically, I have no say over these cats, even though this cat
problem has already become MY problem.

So, what is your opinion on the course of action? I can’t find home
for these other kittens. I think it’s a minor miracle that this one
sickly kitten is the only possibly tameable one in the bunch. Both
vets I’ve talked to to have basically said that there is not much to
do with six-week-old feral kittens. Do I make my landlady stop feeding
the cats? She thinks she’s doing a really good thing feeding the
cats, which two vets have said is actually not good. The cats breed
more, there are more around which leads to more fights and diseases.
Animal control? They’d certainly euthanize. Even if that was the
right thing to do, my landlady would have to do it, both legally and
otherwise. It’s not my call. Or is it? And no-kill shelters? There is
only one, and it’s not an actual shelter and instead more of a foster
care system run by volunteers. And they are focused on adoption of
pets which are adoptable. Sadly, these cats really aren’t.

Aarrrrggghhh. Please advise.

By the way, I know I need to talk to my landlady. I just want to
figure out what is best before I get into it with her over the cats.
I mean, I moved in three weeks ago. I cannot afford to burn bridges
with this woman and tell her what to do, especially after the
previous water situation. I have to be careful.

I wish I wasn’t involved

Hi. Long-time lurker, first-time problem poster. Naturally, this problem begins with the sentence “there’s this guy”…

So, there’s this guy…let’s call him “Stephen.” He and I have been friends since university. He was going out with one of my friends when I first met him; I had a “significant other” at the same time. We hit it off straight away, fast become great friends. There was the odd bit of flirtation, I got “vibes” from him on occasion, and I must admit I did engage in a few “what if” thoughts, but said friend –- let’s call her “Michelle” — was now a housemate, so these thoughts were quickly squashed.

So, time moves on. Stephen and Michelle break up, rather brutally –- she breaks up with him in order to sleep with one of his friends. He finds out, is enraged, her excuse is that he “was never meant to find out.” I get engaged to “significant other,” and then un-engaged, having been left not at the altar, but at least with the invitations sent and the dress in the cupboard. I realise pretty much straight away that I had “issues” with this whole marriage thing, and that basically the two of us were doing it because we were turning 30 and that’s what you do.

Stephen becomes a great source of support during this time and, as I need to find somewhere to live pretty damn quick, we become co-signees on a twelve-month lease. I’m sure by now you can see where this is going…we move in, have a few wines one night…blah…blah…blah…sex-cakes!

I’m delighted. I can’t believe my luck. He’s all I ever wanted in a guy, and pretty much what I dreamt my life partner would be like. He freaks out. Says that this is very wrong, like “sleeping with his sister,” and is desperately worried what his ex will say. Michelle is at this stage very sorry about sleeping with his friend and wanting to get back together with him. He says we can never do it again, that it’s wrong and will upset Michelle and that we can’t sleep together because we are housemates and friends. Trouble is, it does happen again, pretty much all through that year. He behaves in a generally flirtatious manner with me most of the time, we seduce one another on regular occasions, but we are not, officially, having a relationship.

Obviously this sucks. I take off once the lease is up, and go travelling for a year. We stay friends; he keeps up this “you’re the only one who really gets me” spiel. Until, about twelve months ago, I confront him, saying that he can either get it on with me or leave me the hell alone. He ends up breaking down and I end up comforting him! Fabulous. He’s sorry, he loves me, but it just doesn’t “feel right.” Ohh-kay…

I move cities, begin a second degree, and generally try to get my life together. I meet a boy, he seems to fancy me, and we begin a tentative relationship, although I am terribly, terribly wary. He’s (let’s call him “Richard”) a great guy, but I doubt he’s “the one.” Stephen starts a disastrous relationship with a girl ten years younger than him, who is a control freak and, we suspect, a gold digger. (I have this on authority from mutual friends; I have only met her once.) His work begins to suffer, he gets made redundant, and then gets fired from his next job. His health suffers, and in the end he takes off to Europe to “clear his head.”

In the meantime I have had about six months without any contact with Stephen. I am still with Richard, although I do worry at times that I am just “marking time” with him because I don’t want to be single. Other times I think that I could really make a life with him. Trouble is, he’s not Stephen. Stephen, who is emailing me from Europe, sharing old jokes and telling me what a great friend I am, and how his family have heard all about me and would love to meet me one day. So, I have spent the past four weeks right back in “missing Stephen” space. And it sucks…

I guess I just want your take on the situation, Sars. Is this just reminiscing? What do you do if the person you think could be your soul mate doesn’t seem to realise it? If he’s not, then Richard is really a great guy and a girl could do worse; it’s just that Stephen seems to have laid down this blueprint, that no one else is going to quite fit. What do I do?

Yours in bewilderment,
Not getting any younger

I want the time to be spent on the answer not the question and the
background, so I’ll do my best for truncating.

Boyfriend of three years (everything’s fine there) just started grad school. I can be
empathetic; I was in grad school when we met. But he is STRESSED to the
outer limit. Now that he’s closer to home (from 2,000 miles from mom, dad,
stepmom, schizo sister, et cetera to a mere two-hour drive), all of the family issues
are bearing down on him. His dad is sick (as in having a
life-altering change in his physical well-being), he’s starting to
understand his sister’s mental health and knowing the details both worries
and stresses him, he’s feeling pulled in ten directions with the
dad-mom-stepmom triangle even though the divorce was 22+ years ago, and so on.
Add this stuff in with ten case studies a week, two presentations, papers,
looking for a summer internship, and the delusions of grandeur that plague an
Ivy League student, and he’s at the point of busting loose.

He says he can’t “deal with the stuff” because he can’t risk “losing it”
while he’s in school. However, he also said that if “the stuff” were gone
and it was just school and looking for a job, he’d STILL be overwhelmed. He
doesn’t want to see the school support services folk because he “doesn’t
have time” and “can’t risk having to rehash 27 years of family drama” while
he’s also trying to learn Managerial Economics and find out how to prove
that he can be the next superstar at T. Rowe Price.

And so the question:
What’s a GF who wants to be supportive to do? He says he wants to work on
the other stuff once he’s done with school, because he knows it needs
attention, but how can he cope in the meantime, and what can I refer him to
that would aid in that process?

Alex’s girlfriend in WDC

I’ve gotten myself into a situation which is, I realize, is for the most part self-induced and I may simply be told I’m an idiot for doing it, but I can’t ask anyone I know for advice for obvious reasons.

Today I kissed a married man. I have known “Bob” for about two or three months now, and have known he was married since maybe the third time I talked to him. (I met him through my volunteer work at the local historic theatre.) On top of this, though he has no children, he is definitely old enough to be my father. Bob is in his second marriage right now. He divorced his first wife after five years when she confessed to him she had been cheating on him off and on the entire time they were married. His present wife, who I do not know personally but have seen many times before through her work with the local public library, refuses to even sleep in the same room as Bob because she says he snores too loudly. They haven’t had sex in the last two years…they’ve currently been married for six.

I have gotten the distinct feeling that Bob had an interest in me for the better portion of the time I’ve known him, and while having coffee with him last night he laid out all of his feelings to me, confirming all that I had believed. Perhaps I’m rushing this, but I think I’m falling in love with him, and knowing he is head over heels for me really throws me for a loop, as I’ve never been in a situation which remotely parallels this. For Christmas, I decided on John Mayer’s “Room For Squares” because I didn’t want to feed into anything and get him something too personal…he, however, got me perfume, something I deem to be a fairly intimate gift. I’ve lost all ability to mask my feelings for him, and admitted last night that I reciprocate his interest. And, as the story goes, today I kissed him. Mind you, not your ten-minute-long, sweep-you-off-your-feet, passionate Gone with the Wind-style kiss, but the kind that you want to hold onto until you think, “What the hell am I doing?” and exit stage left.

I sincerely think that Bob is going to leave his wife at some point without any influence from me, but as selfish as it may be, I don’t want to have to wait. I have no intention of sleeping with Bob as long as he remains married; however, I don’t want to give him up entirely. Should I cut the ties completely, set limitations, go for it, what? I keep telling myself, carpe diem, but somehow it doesn’t seem right…although it feels so right…

What should I do?

Signed,
To be young and in love

Sometimes, I hate people. [“Heh. You had me at ‘hello.'” — Sars] Let me explain. I am a college freshman, living away from home in a teeny-tiny dorm
room. The building I live in at school was originally intended to be singles,
but the rooms were later converted into freshman doubles.

So, I have a roommate in this teeny-tiny room. Let’s call her “The Princess.”
So Princess and I got along fine at first; we even hung out together a
little bit at the beginning with a girl from our dorm, who we’ll call
“Mindy.” Soon I realized that the Princess wasn’t my cup of tea. She’s
braggy, materialistic, self-absorbed, and all-around no fun. We were civil
to each other, but that was about it. Mindy remained friends with her,
however. As the semester continued, the Princess found a new group of
friends and gradually stopped hanging around with poor Mindy, and then Mindy
and I bonded over our hate of the Princess. However, the Princess still
confided in Mindy, which basically gave Mindy and me a lot of material to
snark about.

So, my problem. On one of the last days of the semester, Mindy informs me
that the Princess is planning on moving out of our room for the spring
semester. According to Mindy, the Princess’s parents don’t want her to live
in such a small dorm room (yeah, I know) and it has nothing to do with me.
Mindy knew about the Princess’s plans for about a month, but didn’t tell me
because the Princess swore her to secrecy. But what’s weird is that the
Princess hasn’t told me a thing about moving out next semester. Also, it
isn’t a definite that the Princess will get a room upgrade; she is just on a list and will find out for certain if she got a new room
sometime next month. If it weren’t for Mindy, I would (most likely) return
from break to a half-empty room and no explanation as to where my roomate
went. I don’t understand, if it has nothing to do with me, why the Princess
just couldn’t tell me that she is moving out?

I want to let the Princess know that I know; we have some things in the room
that we share. I’d like to know if I need to bring some items from home
because she would obviously be taking hers with her. I could just tell her
that I know, but then she would know that Mindy told me, and Mindy made me
swear not to tell the Princess for fear of ruining their already fragile
“friendship.” Or I could just wait and see if she’ll tell me anything.

I just want to be done with the Princess; this whole situation has soured me
on the girl completely. After typing all this out, it doesn’t seem very
important, but nevertheless, it is bugging me. I hate knowing that she
thinks of me as some clueless loser who doesn’t deserve her respect.
However, I don’t want things to be awkward if she doesn’t end up getting a
new room and we’ll be stuck together for another semester. What should I do?

Sincerely,
A Confused Collegiate