The Vine: March 21, 2012
When I switched jobs about a year ago, I moved my family (husband, 18-month-old, and dog) from New York to California. I also moved our nanny and her teen son with us (after asking nicely and giving her option to stay in New York with us paying her salary for six months). A few months ago our nanny’s adult daughter and partner also made the move to California. They all live together in a lovely apartment we found them in a good school district near trees and all sorts of good things. So, everything is marvelous. Kind of.
My husband lost his job soon after we moved to California, and has found he really enjoys being a primary caregiver to our daughter. And, our daughter has started nursery school, which she adores. And, my parents live 10 miles away, and spend every waking minute trying to scheme ways to spend more time with our daughter. Which is all a long way of saying — we don’t really need our nanny anymore.
I’m not sure how far my responsibility goes to keeping her on. If this were New York, I would still feel comfortable with the six months severance and going along our merry way. But in New York, our nanny had a robust network of family and friends and connections, so finding work wasn’t difficult. This is California — land of the double-digit unemployment and people willing to provide childcare for ridiculously low rates. I’m not sure our nanny could find work in six months, and, even if she could, if it would be at the same rate that we pay her. Her entire family (even her extended family outside the U.S.) depends on her income. I don’t want to be the cause of an entire family’s financial crisis!
Do I keep her on (even though we don’t really need her and it’s become a bit of a financial pinch)? Do I offer to move her back to New York? Do I continue to buy lottery tickets in the hope I will win enough money to buy her an annuity and make this problem go away?
Thanks for help,
A
Dear A,
The good news is, Nanny has noticed everything you’ve mentioned in your second paragraph here — that your husband is out of work (outside the house, anyway), that your parents come around all the time (or try to), that your daughter has a pre-K she really likes.
The bad news, of course, is that she’s clearly not about to talk herself out of a job regardless of how obvious it probably is to both of you that there isn’t really a job for her with you anymore. Which means you will have to do it.
I would not want to do it either, trust. I can imagine that you feel guilty and weird and start gulping your evening glass of pinot noir even contemplating the conversation. But Nanny is an adult who made the decision to move willingly; who understands that the economy is unpredictable and children grow up, et cetera; and who does have a support system with her, even if it’s not as far-ranging as the one she may have had in New York.
Now, if you promised her a bunch of shit or made any verbal guarantees, or there’s a contract in place, that changes the conversation somewhat, but you don’t mention any of that so I’m going to assume it doesn’t pertain here. You may have some employment-law bases you want to cover before you sit Nanny down for The Talk, though; I don’t practice law, live in California, or have any experience with hiring or releasing caregivers for children, so putting your heads together first with local friends who are parents is a good idea.
But, post-disclaimers, yes, you will have to ovary up and let Nanny go. Obviously you’ll tell her how much the whole family loves her and what a great job she’s done with Daughter, and how much you appreciate her willingness to move out to Cali with you, but…second paragraph, and you can’t keep her on in the same capacity anymore. What comes next is the tricky part; sit down with your husband first and talk about what you want to do. You did offer her six months’ salary the last time, so I would plan to pay that again this time, and come up with a menu of options for Nanny on how to structure it. The option you’d likely want to steer her towards is taking a cut in hours, while remaining at the same salary, while she either looks for another job or plans a move back to the east coast — but give her two or three choices, and a weekend’s worth of time to decide how she wants to proceed. Put something very basic in writing between the two households that agrees on the deal, which protects you from paying any “guilt tax” extras, and her from getting shorted in any way.
Again, it won’t be fun, but prepare for the conversation, and rehearse some responses in case you get pushback along the lines of “but we all moooooooved out here for youuuuuuuu.” “And we really appreciate that.” “And we hope you can make it work, here or back home.” Yes, she’s got responsibilities — but so have you, and reading the writing on the wall when your husband lost his job is kind of on her.
And like I said, she’s probably already sussed the situation and the conversation won’t go nearly as horribly as you anticipate. Do a little prep with your husband and call a meeting ASAP; get it over with and start dealing with the situation instead of dreading it, which is understandable, but unproductive and stressful. And let us know how it goes!
Tags: etiquette the fam workplace
Just want to second what Sars said about Nanny having done the math herself. When my husband lost his job, we had to let our nanny go, though we kept her on as long as we could. We had the exact same kind of issues- we really couldn’t afford to keep her on, but she was supporting herself, her mom, her daughter, and her grandson. The idea of all those people counting on us, and her likely inability to find other work, it being a recession and all, weighed very heavily. Eventually it just got unsustainable, and when we finally had the discussion, she clearly had already seen the writing on the wall and had already been putting out feelers for other work. It was such a relief to just be able to talk to her about it; I promise you will feel miles better once it’s all out in the open. Good luck!
I know you’ve hinted that the marketplace in CA isn’t good, but it might be worth putting feelers out to your colleagues or neighbors with kids, who undoubtedly would appreciate the glowing referral of unusual loyalty you’d be able to give. Even if childcare is easy to come by cheaply where you are, the kind of service rendered by your nanny described surely isn’t. You might find somebody who has childcare but is unhappy with their caregiver, and wants to trade up.
I agree with Attica. I live in CA (probably not the same location as A, of course) and I know a bunch of moms/parents here who would much rather hire someone who comes so highly recommended than a cheaper, less known sitter or nanny. I know the initial conversation will be tough, but do ask around, A. It may not be as bleak as it seems!
Absolutely you will feel better about having this conversation if you can also give her some solid leads, so I’d start there right now. I know you just moved there, but you have coworkers and neighbors and stuff like that, and if your parents live nearby, they probably know some people, too.
First, I just want to thank A for being an amazing employer. You clearly care a great deal about nanny and appreciate her work, and are willing to reward her financially, and that is not a commonplace occurrence with nannies. Sars, I think you were pretty harsh, honestly. A whole *weekend* to think about what to do? Wow, really generous. If A pays nanny 6 months severance but expects her to work for it then it’s not really a severance package. If you can afford it, A, here’s what I’d do: explain the situation, offer 6 months severance, and offer to move nanny and teen son back to New York (adult daughter and partner moved to CA on their own; they can move back on their own if they so desire). That way nanny has the most options, and won’t feel like she’s stuck.
Anyway, that’s my two cents. Thanks again for being a fabulous employer!
“…start dealing with the situation instead of dreading it, which is understandable, but unproductive and stressful.” Such good advice for so many situations.
A whole *weekend* to think about what to do? Wow, really generous.
If she needs more time to think about it, she can ask for it. She’s an adult, and we’re not talking about plea bargaining a prison sentence here. But finding a new job and/or planning a cross-country move are things that take time. So is pulling together six months’ pay. Why dick around? Figure out the plan and get going on it.
Agreed with Sars’ advice as usual, and not suggesting that you have to keep paying a nanny you don’t need…but really, what WAS your long-term plan regarding your nanny? Moving a woman and her kid cross-country instead of finding someone in your new area is a huge commitment, and while you surely didn’t know your husband would lose his job, you did know that you would be a whole country closer to your parents, and you did know that your kid would start school eventually, and your nanny would still be in California, and then…? Did you plan to let her go in a few years or keep her as a nanny for the rest of her life, knowing that you wouldn’t need a nanny forever? If the former, as I expect, then, well, it sucks that it has to happen now, and it would suck whenever it happened in the future, but that just seems like the lump you both take when you offered to take her to Cali and when she accepted, you know? Whaddya gonna do.
It’s a nanny position: it was going to end eventually. The nature of the position is temporary. Maybe this is sooner than expected, but most people I know phase out the nanny once the kid starts school. Six months pay is extremely generous, and, I agree with Sars, if she is paying attention, she should see the writing on the wall and already have a Plan B in mind.
How many people would get six months pay if we were let go today? Plenty of folks move to take a new job, only to be let go, reorganized out of a position, laid off, etc. You gave her the option to not move, and she not only chose California, but other members of her family followed. What about the other way? Would she have to give you six months notice if she were leaving the nanny position?
You are being more than fair. I know this will be a conversation that will be no fun, but you have no reason to feel guilty.
I’d also like to underline that while this is unfortunate and uncomfortable, upon rereading the letter, it looks like this is happening a year after the move. So it’s not as though she took all the trouble to move and two weeks later, you are all ‘psych!’
I think putting out some feelers for whether anyone you know is looking for a nanny is a great idea. As Sars pointed out, if Nanny is savvy, she’s probably already doing that herself.
I had to give up nannying in NY because I couldn’t afford to live on what I was making. If the family I worked for (and loved, and still love) had been honest about the hours they could give me and the fact that they were having financial troubles, I could have figured out other options a lot faster.
Life happens. Talk to your nanny SOON. It’ll be okay.
A question: when you say Nanny’s “entire” extended family depends upon her income:
1)How much are you paying her? I mean jeez, I can’t think of many families outside Bill Gates’ that can survive on one earned income these days. Even if she’s sending money overseas where American dollars go further, it’s hard to believe that many people can make a nanny’s salary stretch that far, no matter how many coupons they clip.
2)Related to above; are Daugher and Partner employed? Is Nanny paying for their rent and bills? Did she pay for them to move out there? Presuming both are able to work, if they are unemployed are they looking for work? Yes, in one way this isn’t your family or business–but if you’re worried enough to think about an annuity, it’s kind of morphing into your business.
3)Considering how highly you think of Nanny, and if you’ve talked about her at all, I’m willing to bet good money on the possibility that plenty of your freinds and kid’s parents have tried to poach her already and she’s refused out of well-earned loyalty to you.
You’re not Atlas. The world, and this woman’s life, don’t rest on your shoulders. You’ve already come up with a generous idea or three–treat the woman you trusted enough with your child to invite her across the country as an adult and work together on this new, inevitable phase of your life.
The “Her entire family (even her extended family outside the U.S.) depends on her income” sentence is chafing at my mother-of-pearl somewhat. Are the adult daughter and partner, living with her in this sweet apartment in sunny CA, just coasting on Nanny’s too-good-to-be-true-and-it’s-about-not-to-be job setup? Sorry, but that detail bugs. The fact that it’s included in this letter does sort of tell me that the guilt strings will be a-twanging when The Talk happens, so yes, A, be prepared and steel yourself.
As someone who employs a full-time nanny in California, I sputter a bit at the notion that the rates here are ridiculously low. Obviously, it depends where you are, and I recognize that the market may differ from NY, but I don’t think circumstances for highly recommended nannies are as dire as you might be thinking. As others have suggested, you can help her network through your contacts as a start. It may be worthwhile for her to look at a few reputable agencies as well (if you’re in a major city in CA, there will be several that cater primarily to more affluent families and command higher pay rates). Also don’t overlook sittercity.com and care.com – both give her the option to fill out an extensive profile that includes a background check, all of which will help make her an attractive candidate.
One other thing you might think about though – are you certain that your needs won’t change again in the foreseeable future? I’m sure you and your husband have thought this through, but just in case – have you talked about whether another baby might be on the horizon, or a return to work for your husband? If you thought you might need to return to a full-time nanny within the next [pick your time frame], it might be worth keeping her on. Just something to think about. Good luck!
Bria and others raise a good point—try to think about your future needs and plan accordingly. I don’t want to pile on here, but you should give some thought to the decision-making process that resulted in moving the nanny with you across the country, too. An 18-month-old baby would not have been inconsolable in the long-term if you had gotten a new nanny when you moved, and you had some family in CA that could have helped with child care and/or the search for the new nanny, and maybe that should have been the way it was. I understand how hard it is to part with people like this, but now you’re in a worse situation because…you wanted to avoid trying to find a new nanny a year ago? Or maybe there’s something else going on; I don’t know.
Okay, this keeps nagging at me–how is it that your husband enjoys being the primary caregiver? You currently have the nanny doing that, right? And your daughter goes to nursery school for part of the day, right? So when is your husband doing all this primary caregiving?
Jen S:
Apparently, good nannies can command quite a big salary:
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/25/magazine/the-best-nanny-money-can-buy.html?_r=1
@AF, woosh! I can well imagine she could command those prices if her employer’s willing to fly her cross country.
…but, if she can command those prices she should be well equipped to negotiate a new job, either in Cali or New York. I would imagine someone being paid over a hundred grand a year would be expecting to do traveling, etc., with her young charge.
I know that there is no point in questioning the decision to move your nanny out to California, as it is over and done, but it does seem worthwhile to look at the way that decision was made. I agree with @Ang that (unless there is something we don’t know) it doesn’t seem like this was a necessary step under the given circumstances. Also it doesn’t seem possible that your husband is currently acting as a primary care giver.
Maybe give the nanny a week or two off as a trial period to see if your husband really wants to do this?
Your husband is the primary caregiver? With a nanny? How much will he enjoy that without the nanny?
Could it be that he is just enjoying not going to work, taking a break? When you think about future plans (others mentioned having another baby), is him returning to work one of those plans? I realize he’s been unemployed for roughly a year, but has he been actively seeking a new job, or just not really stressing about it? Is getting rid of the expense of the nanny really just a way not to confront him about work? This is the reason I wonder if all of the talk about your feeling of endless obligation to the nanny is the theme of the letter.
I know some have questioned your decision to move your nanny across the country, but I don’t think it’s fair to put all that blame on you, and I think you’re being too hard on yourself as well for feeling responsible for asking her to move. Think of it this way: you a grown woman were offered a job in California, you discussed it with your family, weighed the pros and cons, and decided to move. Your nanny, also a grown woman, was offered a job in California and presumably discussed it with her family weighing the pros and cons before deciding to go ahead. You were more than generous in offering her 6 months severance to stay in New York. That would have been the very easy, safe choice to make. She would have had a 6 month cushion to find other employment while staying in her familiar surroundings. Instead she chose the riskier option that uprooted her family, and really, had no more guarantees of continued employment than she did while living in New york. Lets say you had never moved to California. Your dughter would still be as old as she is today, and she would still be in a nursery school she loved meaning that the nanny would still be facing a cut back in hours had none of you ever moved. I’m glad you like your nanny, it’s great that you have treated her well, but unless you were her first family ever, she knew this was going to come to an end some day. Kids grow up and nannys move on to new families. That’s the nature of the business. Also, I live in Ca as well, and find the right location, and plenty of people employ nannys. I know 2 stay at home moms with full time nannys, so I don’t know that the nanny’s prospects are as dire as you are imagining them to be. Sit down with your hsband, look at the long picture, as others have stated re: any future children, figure out what you can afford, and talk to the nanny. Also consider nanny sharing if you think that might work for you and another family.
I would add that before you let Nanny go, try to be sure that your husband staying home is going to be a long-term thing. You don’t want to let her go only to find out that husband no longer wants to be the stay-at-home dad or the economy picks up again and jobs open up for him again.