The Vine: March 24, 2004
Dear Sars,
I desperately need some sane advice on a problem I’ve
had for awhile now. Basically: I don’t like people.
I’m okay in crowds, and I do enjoy talking to the rare
person I consider to be a friend. But I hate
small talk, and eye contact in general makes me
uncomfortable, even with people I am quite close to. I
used to think it was just because I’m really shy but
I’ve been doing the “fake it until it’s real”
confidence thing and I’m finding that most people,
when you really get to know them, are boring. This is
fine for people I don’t see often, I can fake
friendliness reasonably well once in awhile, but it’s
agony trying to act interested in talking to people I
have to see every day, like say at work. And the more
often I have to see a person, the more I feel like they
can tell I just don’t care, which adds to my
discomfort. I’ve never been able to keep it up for
more than a couple weeks. I’m just a loner. I like
being alone. I don’t like talking unless I actually
have something to say.
Background done, here’s the question. What should I
do? ‘Cause it’s discouraging to think about slogging my
way through university, slaving at some horrible
people-oriented job to try to make enough money to get
by while struggling to keep up in classes (graduating
with a huge loan anyway), only to start on a
Real Career, which is just code for “get a job where
you have to see the same people every day and not be
‘moody’ because it will really make a difference in
promotions, not to mention job security.” It’s like
making huge sacrifices for an end result I don’t even
particularly want. I don’t qualify for scholarships
because they always go to “well-rounded” people with
lots of community involvement, something I’ve never
been able to fit in around avoiding people all the
time. I fantasize about becoming a hermit out in the
woods somewhere. I’d probably actually go through with
it, if I didn’t have to worry about being a Big
Disappointment to my parents.
So, do you maybe possibly know of some decent-paying
(or not) job(s) where you don’t have to deal with
people regularly? Or only through email? (Trucker
would be ideal, if only I weren’t such a piss-poor
driver.) Or should I go with the hermit plan? Or see a
therapist, one who can prescribe something, ’cause it
isn’t normal to not like people but I’m sure I would
deal a lot better if I were doped up all the time, and
even if I wasn’t actually depressed when I started
seriously thinking about things, I sure as hell am
now? Go ahead with the university, take what I want,
and hope things work out, even though I have taken
some and did nothing but worry about money the entire
semester and it took almost a year of crappy job to
even consider going back, and only because I’m sick to
death of having no goals or direction or anything
worth living for really? Just suck it up and try to
fake it until I die?
Only Happy When I’m Alone
Dear Only,
It’s perfectly fine to prefer your own company and to think small talk is kind of a waste of time, but when you’re talking about planning your entire career around avoiding other human beings — with no substantive mention of what you actually want to do in that career in the first place — it’s not really a matter of personal taste anymore.
You have no hope for the future; you don’t like anything, or want to do anything; everything is too hard or too boring, and not worth bothering with. I think you should see a counselor, because that sounds like clinical depression to me. You don’t have to love each and every one of your fellow men, but if you don’t feel a connection to anyone at all, you should look into that, because it’s not practical to plan your life around minimizing your contact with people — and, more importantly, it’s not a happy way to live.
I mean, I do as much I-hate-people muttering as anyone; I own a car in New York City, enough said. This is beyond that. See a therapist and figure out what’s going on.
Sars —
I really liked the letter from the girl who hates having sex because I have
a problem sort of like that. It isn’t the sex. I’d really like to have
sex. I have scars all over my butt and thighs and stomach and so on, so I’m
really ugly when I’m naked but I look okay when I’m dressed so I do get hit
on but I never know if I should say yes. Even if the lights were out it
wouldn’t help because you can feel them. They’re all raised and gross.
So
I was wondering is there a way to have sex without taking your clothes off
or getting touched under them? Is it still fun? Is it okay to ask guys for
that? How do you ask for that. I don’t want to never have sex because of
them because it isn’t totally my fault I have them. I mean, I didn’t make
them.
Please answer this. I can’t ask anyone else. My friends and parents don’t
know about the scars.
Scar Girl
Dear Girl,
Okay…yes, it’s possible to have sex with most of your clothes on, and yes, it’s still fun (word to the wise, though: look out for roaming belt buckles). In my experience, though, it’s something you do or “ask for” when you’ve gotten a bit more familiar with your partner and have already had more conventional naked sex. Not to discourage you, but I would find it odd if a guy insisted on keeping all his clothes on the first time. I mean, I’d go with it, probably, depending on the situation, but nobody’s perfect physically, least of all me, so whatever it is, give me a chance to work with it.
My point is that the scarring is really only as “gross” as you think it is. Any guy worth sleeping with is not going to freak out about them, especially if it’s a guy who digs you as a person, a guy you can explain to about them and say that you feel really self-conscious, so you want to go slow at first, keep the lights off, whatever.
Everyone has stuff about their bodies that they don’t love, but the scars aren’t your fault — although I don’t think I get how you wound up with scars that bad if nobody else knows about them, unless you were cutting, and that’s still not your “fault,” but if that is how you got them, you should probably look into some counseling, because now you’ve got a double whammy to deal with in the self-image department. What was I saying? Right. The scars aren’t your fault, and they probably aren’t as horribly disfiguring and glaring as you think they are — and even if they are really severe, a guy who cares about you isn’t going to care much.
So, I would go to the doctor — a dermatologist, preferably — and get some topical tips on reducing the scars’ appearance, because medicine has the technology for that. And I would also go to a therapist and start working on accepting those scars as part of what makes you you — not something ugly, just something you have that other people can either accept or go fuck themselves.
Then you can have the nutty back-of-the-cab everything-on-but-the-undies sex and actually enjoy it instead of worrying about whether something untoward is visible, because that’s part of the fun of sex — everything untoward is visible.
Hiya Sars,
Love the site, hope you can help, promise to keep this as simple as
possible.
My fiancé and I have been living happily together for a while now and are
soon getting married. We intend to live in our current apartment complex
until mid-summer next year, at which point we plan on moving (probably out
of state). Long ago we agreed that it was best not to live too close to
either set of parents for the sake of our sanity and relative freedom. We
love them, but we felt it was important to be as much on our own as we
could, to stand on our own two feet, et cetera. Now however, Fiancé’s mom and
younger brother are moving into our apartment complex next month.
This really riled me at first, because Fiancé’s mom is prone to frequent
phone calls and favor requests and “just stopping by”s, and Younger Brother
will also stop by without any notice and hang out for ages (it used to be
for days, until Fiancé put a stop to it). I’m not casting stones here — if my
mother and sister were living nearby, it’d be the exact same story, which is
why we agreed to live away from our families in the first place.
But Mom-in-Law and YB are in a bit of a tough spot. Our apartment complex is
really the nicest, most affordable place for them to move, so it’s difficult
to begrudge them their best opportunity. I’ve swallowed any irritation and
am determined to make the best of it.
Fiancé knows that I like his mom very much and am pretty fond of YB, and
unlike his ex-girlfriend, don’t mind him seeing them whenever he wants, or
even mind them hanging out with us as often as they do. But he also knows
that I really like our peace and privacy, and that the occasional “just
stopping by” doesn’t bother me, but the “just stopping by” that MiL and YB
do will most likely get worse, instead of better.
My question is: What is the nicest, most tactful way to get this across to
MiL and YB? Neither of us want to start out combative and lay down the law,
but if our suspicions turn out to be correct, what is the most favorable way
to say, “Hey, we love you, we’re happy to hang with you, but we’re just
starting this new life together and we really need the chance to be on our
own as much as possible, so please give us some space”? I love this family,
and I don’t want my new in-laws to feel unwelcome, so I hope we’re not being
unreasonable. Are we being unreasonable?
Thanks,
Longing For a Separate Peace
Dear Longing,
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I do think that making a formal announcement that you want them to back off is going to inflame the situation unnecessarily. You don’t have to just put up with them dropping by and hanging out, but you’ll have to put a stop to it more subtly.
More to the point, don’t put a stop to it at all; just stop reacting to it the way you always have. In other words, MiL and YB can stop by as often as they like, but you don’t have to let them in every time, and shouldn’t. Stand in the door with your hand on it, ready to close it, and say that now isn’t a good time and you’ll see them later. Close the door. Simple as that. Don’t explain, don’t feel bad about it, and don’t lie about something you’ve got to do with blah blah at such-and-so time — you’ve already told the truth. Now isn’t a good time. If they aren’t going to call before they come over, they’re going to discover that, more often than not, it isn’t a good time. Obviously, if you aren’t up to much and one of them shows up, you don’t have to kick their feet out of the door just on general principles, but if you don’t feel like entertaining them for the afternoon…don’t.
Get Fiancé on the same page with it, and agree, both of you, that MiL and YB do not have carte blanche to come over whenever they want to. Set the boundary and enforce it, both of you. Maybe it’s also a good idea to start doing a Sunday dinner every week or every other week, as a family, or something structured where everyone gets to hang out and see each other, but regardless, both of you need to stop feeling obligated to open the door every time.
Sars,
I recently learned (through one of my boyfriend’s acquaintances at a dinner
party), and have since confirmed, that the younger daughter of good family
friends is about to get married without telling her folks.
This is not an “I don’t want a big wedding” elopement, but an “I’m 19,
immature, am still financially dependent on my parents, and am marrying an
unemployed 24-year-old gentile high school drop-out who has convinced me to
get five piercings and two tattoos in the four months we’ve been together.” Note
that she is supporting both of them and paying for a mid-size wedding by
hitting her folks up for sizable chunks of change and banking the parent’s
tuition check instead of attending school.
Her parents have always seemed to be good, sweet people who really want the
best for their children — though they may focus a bit too much on her fiancé
not being Jewish.
Tell them? Or mind my own business?
Yours,
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Generally, I advise people to stay out of situations like this. The daughter is, technically, an adult, and if she wants to deceive her parents and make questionable romantic choices, it’s her life.
On the other hand, if it’s family friends…I don’t know. In your shoes, I’d probably phone up my mother all, “Okay, so check this out,” and see what she knew about the situation, and then take it from there…but ultimately, I’d probably just stay out of it. You could make the argument that the daughter is taking their money under false pretenses, but that’s between her and them whether or not anyone else knows about it, if that makes any sense.
So, I guess my answer is to feel out your family and see what they know about it, but the situation is going to blow up sooner or later, so it’s probably best for you to keep a safe distance from the start.
Dear Sars,
So there’s this girl. We met four years ago, in high school, and I had
pretty much an instant crush. We became fairly close friends, and the more I
knew her, the more I liked her. She was funny and smart and adorable and
just so full of life. We really seemed to click. And just when I was
thinking the friendship might develop into something more, she started going
out with one of my friends. Well, okay — I dealt with it. Remained good
friends with them both, was genuinely happy for them. My feelings for her
continued unabated, but we didn’t spend as much time together.
They broke up, we started getting pretty flirty again, I started thinking it
might go someplace after all…and then she got another boyfriend. This
developed into a pattern: she’d be all over me when neither of us was seeing
anyone, but then the minute she got a boyfriend, I barely existed. We hardly
saw each other or talked or anything. Then when she was single, she’d be all
over me, all the time. I got used to it — when she had a boyfriend, she’d be
so wrapped up in him that she wouldn’t see ANY of her friends, so I didn’t
feel especially slighted. And when she WAS acknowledging that I existed, she
was still the same sweet girl I fell for in the first place.
This continued throughout high school. Then, this past fall, we moved into
residence at the same university, in buildings that are eight seconds away
from each other, and things went to hell. Neither of us made friends here
quickly, so we spent a LOT of time together in September and October.
Became pretty much best friends. Things were still pretty flirty — she’d lay
on me all the time, touch me a lot, make suggestive comments, et cetera. I felt
more strongly for her than ever, but I understood that by this point, it was
never gonna happen; flirty or not, she just didn’t see me that way. (She was
always giving me the “You’re like my big sister” talk and asking me to help
her get guys — never good signs, right?)
But the flirting just kept escalating. Finally, on my birthday a few months ago,
out of nowhere, she told me that she had always loved me, and then we made
out for a long while. I was in heaven — finally, she was returning my
feelings, and it was just so perfect on every level. Or so I thought.
Then she took a step back, informed me that she meant she’d always loved me
AS A FRIEND and nothing else, told me not to tell anyone what we’d done,
told me not to get a crush on her (?!), gave me a Kinder-Surprise Egg (?!?!),
and went home. She avoided me for weeks after — then when we talked, it
went badly. When I told her I’d always had feelings for her, she refused to
believe it; she said she “was just being stupid” by making out with me; then
she told me very emphatically that I’m a good friend, but that she could
absolutely never see me in a romantic light. She then told me never to
mention it to her again, because she felt bad for doing anything that might
lead me on or hurt my feelings, and me bringing the subject up just made her
feel worse.
And now, four months later, I’m still in bad shape. Can’t get over her.
Don’t know what to do. Last month, after watching her and her new boyfriend
hang all over each other all night, I got incredibly drunk and ended up
telling three of my best friends that we’d made out — they didn’t tell
anyone else, but one of them confronted her, and she got pissed at me for
“gossiping about” her. Now she refuses to speak to me. She always brought so
much joy into my life — now she hates me for “trying to ruin her life” and
“making a big deal out of nothing.” I don’t think it’s nothing — it was the
best thing that ever happened to me, pathetic as that sounds.
So: part of me
thinks I should just throw up my hands, declare her a lost cause, and move
on with my life. Another part of me just wants to go to her building and cry
and grovel until she forgives me and agrees to be my friend again. I miss
her so much.
Am I just being an idiot? Should I try to go back to being friends with her?
If not, how do I stop thinking about her?
Sorry for the length. Thank you very much.
Sign me,
A Kinder-Egg? What the hell is that?
Dear That’s Bullshit, My Friend, Is What That Is,
Why do you miss her? No, really. Why? She yanked your chain for years. She blew you off whenever she had a boyfriend — I don’t care if she did it to all her other friends too, it’s still crap. She sent you flirty signals, made out with you, then made her guilt about treating you carelessly your fault. She’s not your friend, dude. She’s an impossible ideal that you’ve clung to for years because it’s safer than taking emotional risks with someone else.
Let her go. She as much as told you to when she overreacted to your so-called “gossiping” about her; she’s too self-absorbed to grow a pair and deal with you straightforwardly, so she chose that way, but the message is the same. You need to move on. She doesn’t want you that way, and it’s a good thing, because you don’t need that “I don’t know what I want, don’t hate me” crap. Enough.
Just keep getting through the days without her, but now, make it a conscious thing. Stop wavering about whether you should apologize or hold out hope for the friendship; don’t do either. Tell yourself it’s done with, believe it, and start moving forward in your life after her. It’s hard, and it hurts when people you loved and believed in don’t live up to that, but at a certain point you have to stop giving them chances to disappoint you.
Tags: boys (and girls) sex the fam workplace
