The Vine: March 24, 2005
Sars,
I’ve been casually dating X for about two months. This weekend, I got drunk with his roommates and some of their friends while he wasn’t around (he knew I was doing this and was cool with it). We played one of those stupid drinking and tell about your sex life games, and his friends found out a lot about me that he doesn’t know.
Now, admittedly I would never have come out and told them about my past girlfriends, threesomes, or nipple rings, but I was drinking. And I don’t particularly care that they know either — that kind of thing doesn’t embarrass me. My issue is, do I tell him? Or do I just wait and field the questions when someone else mentions this stuff to him? I kind of feel weird telling him because I get the impression he hasn’t had as wild a sex life I did back in the day, and I don’t want to intimidate him or scare him off. Also, we haven’t really gotten all that intimate yet, just a couple of make-out sessions and I’m not ready to sleep with him so I don’t want to just throw that out there and make things weird.
On the other hand, I would hate for him to feel left out or hurt that his roomies and friends know more about the girl he’s dating than he does. I don’t know if they will say anything right now, but I’m sure it will come out at some point. So, Sars, what should I do? (Other than avoid this situation in the future.)
Thanks,
Cat not going back in bag
Dear Cat,
Yes, it’s potentially awkward that he doesn’t know, but 1) not as awkward as sitting him down for an I Never briefing would be, and 2) the key word here is “potentially.” His friends might not tell him what they found out; they might, but he might not care; I understand your concerns, but don’t get ahead of yourself.
I mean, you say you aren’t embarrassed by these things, but I think that, on some level, you are…or you’re not embarrassed, exactly, but you think you have to manage his reaction to your past, which you don’t. If he gets intimidated by things you’ve done, or freaked out that his friends know certain intimate details about you, that’s pretty much his insecurity to deal with. Not that you can’t be sensitive to his feelings, of course; I just wouldn’t go overboard worrying about how he’s going to take it.
If you want to tell him yourself, now, go for it, but however you handle it, don’t do it coming from a place where you’re trying to right a wrong, if that makes any sense. Because that’s kind of how this reads — like you’re afraid you’re going to get in trouble for having had a life before X. Which, no.
Hey Sars,
I need your opinion on a small matter
somewhat of the heart.
When
is a reasonable time to have met the parents of your
significant other?
How
about for them to even know about you? Here’s the
deal:
X and I have been going out for three months now. He is
absolutely
wonderful.
We happen to be roommates (yeah, I know), but it seems
to be okay for
now.
We became really good friends before we got together
so at this point
in
time, anyway, I can honestly say that we could still
be friends if
anything
ever happened. Not the issue here, but the fact that
his parents DO
NOT
know that he is dating me. He has not told them.
We are pretty close, however not at the point that we
can exchange “I
love
you”s, even though I do love him already. He knows
it and there’s no
point
in me telling him, because he’s not there yet. You
see, he’s got trust
issues…which is part of the reason he’s not telling
his parents about
me.
Background — the Cliff Notes version:
X grew up in a slightly strange family (yes, I know,
didn’t we all?).
He
was home schooled from age 14 onward and moved a lot
with his family
as
they traveled as missionaries. A while back, he had
this girlfriend
with
whom he had been together with for three months. Three
days after he broke
up
with her she told him she was pregnant. His family
made him choose
between
them or the girl/baby, with him choosing the baby and
they thus
essentially
disowned him. She then tells him that, after a spell,
she has lost the
baby…only to tell him that she is pregnant again two
weeks after
that.
She was never preggers in the first place, she just
did it to keep him.
So
he essentially sacrificed his family for her. He goes
crawling back to
the
fam, and they take him back in…now under their close
scrutinization,
control and judgement. Yeah, hello Jerry Springer.
Since then he has never been in a relationship longer
than a couple of
dates. Hell, even she was his first real girlfriend.
Since I know all
the
details, we have been able to take things slow and
really build a solid
relationship. He’s my best friend and an amazing
person. But…I’m at
the
point now that I feel as though his parents should
know about me. He
tells
me that because of the past, they would give him a lot
of grief over
being
in a relationship (they try to be controlling) and he
would take a lot
of
flack for it. I suspect the fact that we live
together may send them
off on
a sex before marriage tirade as well. He says that he
won’t deny our
relationship if they ask, he’s just not volunteering
the information.
It’s
not like they live far away, in fact he works
construction with his
dad, so
he sees them all every day. His sister is getting
married in two weeks
and
I would love to be his date to the wedding, but he
hasn’t asked me. He
adores his little niece, and I want to meet her. I’m
a nice girl…the
kind
parents love.
I’ve joked about being the secret girlfriend, and it
was okay with me
for a
while…but now I feel as though I’ve become a big
enough part of his
life
to warrant the parents knowing about me. I’ve met his
parents (as the
roomie) and they seem very nice, and I have no doubts
that they will be
nice
to me…but am I rushing this? Should I just sit and
cool my heels and
wait
for him to find the right time to tell them, or should
I tell him that
his
hesitation to tell his parents makes me feel almost
like he’s ashamed
of me?
Or is this all blah blah blah obsessive-cakes and I
should shut the
hell
up?
Signed,
Wanna shout it from the rooftops
Dear Don’t,
The problem is not really that he hasn’t told his parents about you; the problem is not really that he’s ashamed of you, because I don’t think he is. The problem is that he lets his parents, and how they might react, control him…and he also lets his unfortunate romantic past control him. He’s not going to tell you he loves you, because he might get burned. He’s not going to tell his parents about you, because they might not like you and flip out and cut him off.
And there isn’t anything you can do about that, I’m afraid. I mean, you can tell him that he needs to tell his parents about you, because you feel like it’s becoming a much bigger issue than it should be and that makes you uncomfortable, and like you’re being punished for the sins of this other girl, but frankly, I don’t think it’s going to do much good. He hasn’t asked you to his sister’s wedding; he’s not going to on his own; you’ll have to ask him whether he plans to ask you, he’ll have a bunch of excuses about how it’s too soon, you’ll ask when he’ll be ready, he won’t know…it’s going to go on like that.
I’m not saying he’s a dick, because I don’t think he is, and I’m not saying we don’t all have baggage, because most of us do. But I don’t think he’s ready to be in a relationship, not a real one that involves sharing and the occasional sacrifice. I think you need to tell him what you need from him, but I also think you have to understand that he probably can’t give it to you, and that you will then have to decide what your next step is…and yeah, you’re roommates and you love him, but you said it yourself: he’s not there. You are. Sometimes that can be solved by waiting, but in this case, I don’t think it’s a great idea.
He’s not participating fully in this relationship. Ask him to do so, and if he can’t, well, he can’t, but I wouldn’t wait around for him to learn, because it just reinforces the idea that he can half-ass it with your feelings because he’s afraid. And, you know, we’re all afraid. Love is scary. Tough.
Hey, Sars,
If I drop a piece of food and cite the five-second rule to pick it up, is it
five seconds on the floor, or five seconds before consumption? In other
words, do I have five seconds to eat it, or can I put it on a plate and eat
it later? What if it takes more than five seconds to pick off the cat hair?
Thanks,
Saving The Last Bagel Chip Till I Hear From You
Dear You Are Cleared For Snacking,
It’s five seconds on the floor. I believe the idea is that, in five seconds, whatever germs or dirt the food has fallen on don’t have time to take root, so it’s okay to eat the food.
But if it takes more than five seconds to pick off the cat hair, or if there are more than five cat hairs (…visible; there are always cat hairs you don’t see), I’d chuck it.
Dear Sars,
I realized the other night that I could use some advice, so I thought I’d ask you. I have a close friend, let’s call her A, who has been in a sort-of temp job for a few years. She often complains about her job and has been on interview after interview, with no luck. She does have a degree, and she’s not a bad worker, but she can be unreliable and just kinda lacks motivation…typical Gen. X, stoner stuff.
Well, her friend B just negotiated this great career move for herself. B sent an email about it, which I received, and I asked A to fill me in on the details because I wasn’t sure I should write B (she made it sound that way in the email) till she’s settled in at her new job. A said she’d been wanting to talk to me about it. She said she’s happy for B, but she’s jealous. She feels she deserves something to come along more than B does — this even though B has had a steady job in her field for three years (A’s job is not in her field), and when A goes on interviews, she doesn’t always even show up on time.
I have gotten emails from A, bitching about interviews she’d had where she’d shown up late and then gotten mad when the interviewer had moved on to other appointments and asked her to reschedule. She said to me, “Well, I guess it’s for the best, because if that was the kind of company where you have to be on time, then it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.” I was shocked by this and didn’t know what to say, because to me it seems obvious that you DO NOT show up late for an interview if you want the job. It totally says to the prospective employer that you don’t care about the job, that you don’t care what kind of image you project, that you can’t be counted on…I was surprised she couldn’t see that. I love A, but I wouldn’t recommend her for a job, and that saddens me.
Anyway, my question is, how should I respond when she talks to me about things like this, obviously wanting sympathy? (I think maybe that’s all she wants — sympathy, and to vent — but that’s not
really doing anything to help her.) I want to be there for her, but I think maybe that also includes gently telling her that she could put more effort into her interviews if she really does want a job.
Should I even say anything, if she asks, or should I just lend a sympathetic ear? Is it my business to try to help? I’m always afraid of hurting people’s feelings or pissing them off in situations like this, so sometimes I don’t give constructive criticism and I end up just sympathizing, even if I feel that I really should speak up if I want to be a good friend. I would like to see her get a good job and earn more, but I’m starting to think it’s never going to happen. I don’t want to insult her intelligence by pointing out the obvious, but it seems like she really might need that. Thanks for listening.
I’m not sure how to sign these things…
Dear Not Sure,
I’ve always thought that there are two kinds of complaining — the kind where you just want to blow off steam, and the kind where you actually want the other person to offer solutions. You’re in a situation where you think she just wants to vent, but at the same time, you think she doesn’t have all the information. What to do?
The next time she starts bitching about her career in this vein, you might ask if you could offer a suggestion. If she says no, she just wants to rant for a while, well, there you go, but if she says okay, point out gently that, generally speaking, you think her attitude towards interviews and towards other people’s time is probably working against her. You don’t judge her; you’re just saying, in the corporate world, you have to show up on time and go through those motions, because if you don’t, someone else will and that someone else will get the job.
It sounds like A has a sense-of-entitlement problem, and that isn’t yours to fix, but you’re within your rights to not really want to hear the whingeing anymore about jobs she didn’t get because she couldn’t be shagged to be prompt. If she gets mad, well, she gets mad, you apologize and roll your eyes, and the next time the subject comes up, change it, because she’ll have to learn that she’s not owed anything for showing up, but it isn’t your job to teach her.
Dear Sars,
I think I already know the solution to this problem
but I would like to hear it from someone who isn’t
emotionally involved in the situation.
I have committed to spend time with my family this
Easter and I am dreading it more than I ever have.
For most of my adult life I have had a hard time
relating to my extended family. We just live
completely different lives. To use an extreme
example, I can no more relate to my uncle’s admiration
of John Ashcroft than he can to my advocacy of
recreational drug use. But I figured they’re
basically good people and they love me so there’s no
reason to snub them. Besides, it’s only a few times a
year for holidays and the occasional birthday or
graduation.
Cut to September of last year. My dad died. While we
all knew he wasn’t going to live to be a hundred it
was still quite a shock (mostly due to his refusal to
acknowledge his condition, but that’s another letter).
It was a hard time for me but I thought maybe it
would bring me closer to my family, especially my
dad’s side. As Christmas approached I knew it would
be tough but I thought it would be similar to when my
grandpa passed away. We would all share a happy
memory of him. But no one, with the exception of my
grandma, said anything publicly or privately. There
was not even so much as a “Hey, how are you holding
up?” to me or my mom. My cousin, who I was best
friends with as a child, did not say one word to me the
entire time. In fact the only acknowledgement of my
dad’s passing was…a gag gift.
You see, my parents always had this little joke
between them. My mom is a total cat person and my dad
didn’t like animals in general and hated cats. He
always said, “When I die you can get all the cats you
want.” So what does my aunt, my dad’s sister, give my
mom but a Petco Gift Card. And no, my mom had not
been talking about getting a cat after my dad died, it
was just a freaking joke.
All of this was contrasted by my boyfriend’s family,
who barely know me and never met my dad, being really
considerate about the whole thing when I went to their
house. His uncle, who’s known for being an ass, hugged
me and said, “Have a good Christmas, I know it’ll be a
tough one.”
I talked to my mom about this and she was completely
unbothered by it. I love my mom dearly but I often
think you could stab her through the heart and she
would make an excuse for it. But I just can’t get
over it. I feel completely uncomfortable around these
people. My friends have told me I should talk to my
grandma (the only family member other than my mom I
feel like talking to any longer) and see how she feels
about it.
My question (finally) is this: Am I justified in not
wanting to be around these people anymore? Am I
overreacting or being selfish? I just feel completely
alienated from them after seeing their non-reaction to
something I struggled with (and continue to struggle
with). As I said, I already committed to Easter and my
stomach is in knots about it. What do I do after
that? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Can’t Believe I’m Related to These People
Dear Can’t,
It’s not that you’re overreacting; you aren’t. Their “non-reaction” is upsetting to you, and you feel how you feel, and that’s totally okay. But keep in mind that just because you don’t see a reaction doesn’t mean there isn’t one, or that they don’t struggle with your dad’s death, privately, and you don’t know about it. “But…the Petco card!” Yeah, I know. But the thing is, that’s totally something my family would do. I’m not saying it’s not offensive; I’m saying we’re kind of an offensive family, and that our method of grieving is rather rude.
Again, I’m not saying you’re wrong to find it off-putting, but the question is how to deal with your discomfort, and if you want to talk to your grandma about it, you should — and if you want to avoid the fam for a few months until it doesn’t feel like such a slap in the face every time they just don’t mention your dad’s death, you should do that too. You might want to take a flyer on Easter, but if you do choose to go, just try to keep in mind that, as uncomfortable as you are with nobody acknowledging your father’s death, many people are equally uncomfortable expressing grief or dealing with death in any spoken way. I’m not excusing it; I mean, my family is inappropriate, but we’d at least bring it up. I’m just saying, on some level, they’re doing what they need to do, and if what you need to do is to not interact with them because you can’t deal with what seems like callousness to you, take some time off from them.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships rando the fam
