The Vine: March 26, 2002
My first thought on reading Going for Family Gold’s letter was that she isn’t so much concerned about her in-laws’ treatment of her (which has been going on for years now), but of their grandchild. It’s easy enough for an adult woman to understand that her husband’s parents are undemonstrative but still love her. It’s a lot harder to explain to a child — especially when Going’s parents are demonstrative.
And I still think it’s true, but I think both you and she are being far too generous to her husband’s parents. From what she says about their treatment of their older son, her in-laws are quite capable of showing their affection. If they can remember one son’s birthday and not the other’s, the problem is not with being able to show affection.
Unfortunately, I doubt there’s much Going can do, since her husband seems unwilling to see that there’s a problem. I’d advise her to start preparing explanations for her child about why these grandparents can’t seem to remember birthdays.
Deja Vu All Over Again
Dear Again,
Well, it’s not that I’m defending their behavior, but that’s not what she asked me about; she asked me what she should do about it, and my answer stands. She can’t do anything. They are the way they are.
I understand that that sucks when you have to explain it to a kid, and I agree with you that Gold should start preparing herself to deliver those explanations now, but it’s not a matter of “generous.” I think her in-laws are kind of weird, but it’s been twelve years; it’s time for her to learn to work around them.
Sars —
I’m wondering if you missed something in your response to Girls Confuse Me. You suggested that Mrs. Bob tells Girls that Bob admires her body to feel her out about a three-way. It seems to me that maybe Bob really is saying these things to Mrs. Bob, and she’s not so happy to have her boyfriend going on about her friend’s body. Mrs. Bob could be mentioning it to (1) feel out if Girls is attracted to Bob too, and hence a threat, (2) make Girls embarrassed in the hope she’ll hide her “assets” when Bob is around, or (3) have Girls reassure them that people say they have really nice hips/breasts/legs et cetera too (particularly if Bob isn’t doing enough reassuring).
Obviously, we don’t have enough information to know what Mrs. Bob is thinking, and if it’s weirding Girls out, she ought to just ask, as you suggest. But Girls might not want to go into the conversation with an assumption that Mrs. Bob is coming on to her, since it seems to me she may in fact be reassuring herself that Bob and Girls won’t ever end up in bed together.
At the least, I admire Girls for the tactful responses she’s been coming up with so far. I can guess why Mrs. Bob might be saying these things, but I don’t understand what she’s thinking, saying them.
Girls Confuse Me Too
Dear Too,
I got a number of emails to this effect, and it’s certainly possible, although I don’t think I know any woman personally who would fish for information using that particular approach. The insecurity seems so naked, if that’s the case, that I just dismissed it as an answer, but you’re right — maybe Mrs. Bob wants Girls to reassure her somehow.
Still, it’s out of line for Mrs. Bob to put Girls in the position of comforting her when Bob is the source of the problem.
Hi. I’m in the middle of a simmering dispute with a friend. Maybe you can help? What’s your protocol on lending out books? Specifically, do you believe in a return time on them? I understand that, yes, legally they must be returned to their rightful owner, but really, where do you stand on this?
I have had a friend’s book for a little over one month, and now he wants it back, but I have yet to read it. On average, it takes me awhile to get to any book I buy or borrow. I mean, he’s already read it, so why the rush on his end? He’s not getting a master’s and does not need to do any re-reading of anything. At least that’s what I think.
Personally, when I lend out a book, I don’t anticipate getting it back for months, a year, whenever, who cares. It’s not like a CD (where one might want to listen to it again at some point) or a video (where, again, one might want to re-watch it). I’ve amassed a large enough library to where I no longer care if and when they ever come back to me after loaning them out. On some level I feel that I’m in the right, even though I’m technically so wrong.
Your thoughts?
Lazy In The Return
Dear Lazy,
The point isn’t that he doesn’t “need” the book. The point is that it’s his book, which he did you the favor of lending you, and he wants it back. He doesn’t need a good reason. It’s his book. So, give it back. You don’t have a leg to stand on here.
Yeah, maybe it’s a bit anal-retentive of your friend to want the book back already; yeah, maybe he should have told you up front that you only had a month to read it before he’d want it back. I myself don’t expect to get books back for years, if ever, and I know that anything I lend to my brother is as good as gone unless I physically go over to his apartment, find it, and take it home — but I also have no qualms about phoning him up, wondering where my Kraftwerk CD got to for chrissakes, and asking for it back. Because it’s mine, and if he hasn’t listened to it or made a copy or whatever after six months, too bad.
When you borrow something, you don’t get to dictate the terms. That’s why they call it “borrowing” instead of “taking.” I see your point, sort of, but it’s his book. He gets to decide what becomes of it. Hand it over and be graceful about it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships kids the fam
