So…there’s this boy. We’ll call him “James.” And then
there’s his housemate, who shall henceforth be named
“Edward.” A while ago, Edward and I fooled around some;
this passed, and I started hanging out at James and
Edward’s house. I became good friends with both James
and Edward. And…developing a crush on James.

I don’t
believe that James knows about a) my crush on him — he
has a very thick shield of oblivion hanging around him
at all times; or about b) my hooking up with Edward. I
haven’t enlightened James about the changing state of
my feelings towards him because I’m a little stupid
(read: shy and introverted) when it comes to telling
guys that I’m interested in them, and because I’m very
unsure as to the propriety of hooking up with one
housemate and then another.

I don’t really think that the last problem is as much
of a problem anymore (length of time, lack of
seriousness on both Edward’s and my behalf), but the
telling James problem really is. Why? I could probably
work up the courage to say “I think you’re great” to
James alone, but James and Edward are NEVER out of
each other’s company. They work together, they smoke
together, they’ve known each other since they were
nine and have been friends since then. Friends
jokingly refer to them as married. James is actually
straight, so that, thankfully, is not one of my
obstacles. James’s and my work schedules collide, so I
go over and hang out after work (around 11:30 PM)
and we watch movies, gossip, and I play with their cat
while they smoke outside. Every once in while, there’s
a really nice goodnight hug between James and I, and
I flirted with him on my birthday. This stuff happens
with James and all of his female friends, however.

My question is, after all this background — how do I
approach James before the “just friends” hurdle
becomes irrevocable? Should I? If I should, how do I
do it without Edward being within twenty feet? I’d
love a little insight, o surveyor of human nature.

Thanks very much,
Directionally Challenged

Everyone I know who is in my circle of friends has the same background. We all went to college together, and ten years later, we’re all still friends. We did some relationship-swapping (my best friend C is married to my ex-boyfriend S, while my own husband nursed a three-semesters-long crush on B), but we’re all mostly still good friends. As you can undoubtedly guess, it’s that mostly where the problem comes in.

My husband, T, was the only one of us who didn’t actually graduate (he had financial and emotional and home problems and left school after two years, so never got his degree). The rest of us did the full four tour, have our BS or BA, and some went on to get MS or PhDs. While the degrees are not particularly important, we all did have a full two-plus years together in college while T had to go out right away and work full-time. In that, he missed a lot of “stuff,” and it’s entirely likely that if he had remained in school, he’d have drifted off from our group, since his interests and the rest of the group’s don’t match up except on the very edges.

I love my husband, and I don’t want anything to happen to our relationship, but I love my friends too. My friends and I have more common interests and they are, honestly, the only friends I have. My husband has some friends from his work, and I encourage him to do things with them, since I know hanging out with my friends bores him to tears, as we all end up talking about our shared interest (he’s not interested in this hobby. Adamantly. Will not even consider trying to be interested).

This all came to a head a few months ago, when we had our yearly reunion (not all of us live in the same state anymore, so once a year we get together for a week-long party). T got really mad because I spent the week with my friends, and while we weren’t ignoring him or disincluding him, we were reminiscing a lot about things that happened after he left college (although we retold a lot of stories that he was involved in, too). We were watching some movies one day, and he stomped off into the bedroom and locked the door. Not really wanting to get into a fight with him in front of all our friends, I let him stay in there and be mad and figured we could talk it out when everyone went back to home/hotels. A few hours later he came out, screamed at me and my friends, and generally drove everyone away.

In our long talk/discussion afterwards, it came out that he believed I cared more about my friends then his feelings, that our marriage was over, and I should just go. We managed to settle things, but I had to do some scheduling things. Essentially, Tuesday through Thursdays are “spouse” days, and I’m to spend all day with him. I’m not to talk about my friends, or the hobby we share, or get online and chat with my friends. Weekends belong to my friends. (It works this way because my husband works weekends and most of my friends don’t. Which seems to be semi-lucky, at any rate.) None of my friends like my husband anymore, and they all resent this “ruling my life” thing he’s doing. I’ve tried to tell them this was the best compromise that we could come up with, but I’m now having a lot of problems with one friend who also works weekends, so I almost never get to see her anymore.

I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to lose my friends. I’m tense and nervous and unhappy all the time. If I complain to my husband that my friend is upset with me, he says, “Well, ditch the friend.” Likewise, I can’t say anything to my friends when my husband upsets me. I have to watch everything I say, not just for content but for “You implied this.” I’m being pulled apart like two bad-tempered children’s favorite toy, and I resent it all the way around. I’m on disability for illness, so I don’t work anymore. I’m also frightened because my husband’s boss is thinking about switching him to a weekday schedule. What will I do then, when he’s home on the days when my friends are off?

Looking at the end of her rope

I recently moved into my first condo (ah, the joys of home ownership) and am
now having my first problem with a neighbor. I should mention that the
building is a new rehab, with all new tenants and a brand new association.

For some reason, when the developer created the storage stalls for the
building, he made one significantly (well, significantly for a storage
stall, anyway) larger than the others. My problem began when one of my
neighbors saw me putting my stuff away in a standard-sized stall and asked
why I wasn’t using the jumbo stall. I was the last to move in, and didn’t
even have keys to the storage area for the first month or so I was there, so
I just took the stall that was left over. Anyway, my neighbor was under the
impression that that stall had been reserved for the smallest condo unit
(mine). I spoke with some other people in the building, and they also were
under the impression that the stall belonged with my unit. I brought it up
at the next association meeting, we took a vote on it, and everyone agreed
that the largest stall should go to the smallest unit, for a number of valid
reasons that I won’t bore you with.

A few days later, I run into the person that was using the jumbo stall (I’ll
call him “Squatter”) and ask him when we could trade spaces. He says he’s
busy, asks if we could do it in a couple of days. I say sure, no hurry, and
go on my way. Fast forward a week or so later, when Squatter emails
everyone in the building saying that he thinks the decision to give my unit
the stall is completely arbitrary and unfair, and that the developer said he
could use the stall because he was the first one to ask, and use it he would.
Um, like the developer’s decision wasn’t completely arbitrary? Once again I
speak to some of my other neighbors to get their opinion on it, and they all
say that the stall should go with my unit. One of the members of the
association board offers to talk to Squatter for me, but I stupidly decide I
should try to be a grownup and handle it myself.

The last few days have been spent sending and receiving increasingly hostile
emails regarding the matter. Squatter says that the developer said he could
use the stall, and until the developer says otherwise, he’s not budging. I
say that Squatter didn’t raise any objections when we voted on it or when I
asked him to move out, so he should stick to his word. I offered to
compromise and let him use the stall until he moves out, at which time it
goes to the smallest unit. He basically told me where I could stick my
compromise.

I spoke today with the developer, and his position, of course, is that he
wants to stay out of it. He said that he did give Squatter permission to use
the stall because he was the first one to ask, but that the association
could vote on the matter if it wants. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to
be definitive enough for Squatter.

Should I pursue this further? Do I have a valid point
that if the association says the stall belongs to my unit, it belongs to my
unit? Or does the Squatter have a stronger case with his assertion that the
developer said he could have it? He didn’t pay any extra for the privilege,
so I don’t feel as if I’m taking anything away from him. I would drop it
just to keep good will, but there is absolutely no chance of any good will
between us after this, and frankly, after the way he’s insulted me through
his emails and rejected what I feel is a perfectly reasonable compromise, I
no longer feel any need to compromise with the bastard.

Fed Up

So, my question to you is, how can I break my habit of thinking I’m mediocre and can’t handle or achieve success, and do it on my own? Would daily affirmations a la Stuart Smalley be completely ridiculous? It sounds like the biggest BS to me, but maybe there’s something worthwhile there. Thanks so much for any ideas.

Time To Get Over Myself!

I have a problem similar to Latebloomer’s.
I’m eighteen, and I don’t know how to kiss. Really.

When I was thirteen and fourteen, my friends would usually set me up
with one of their boyfriends’ buddies and we’d all head to the movies.
Of course I wasn’t too interested in some random guy, and he wasn’t too
interested in me, so we’d sit in the back row and start making out. I’d
get nervous every time a guy tried to get his tongue into my mouth, so
I’d start laughing. It made him self-conscious and attracted a little
too much attention from the ushers, and we’d just skip the kissing and
move along to feeling each other up. It was lame, and by the time I was
fifteen, I was tired of being the automatic solution to every guy’s shy
best friend. I voluntarily removed myself from the dating pool, and
didn’t get back to it until I was seventeen. I floated through a few
polite dates with guys who just didn’t click, took a friend to the prom,
and graduated.

Now here I am in college. There are plenty of parties where I could
practice making out, of course, but the problem is, I still laugh as soon
as someone wants to involve tongue. I can’t help it. It’s awkward,
since I don’t have much experience, and I don’t find it sexy at all. So
what do I do? It’s easy enough to tell a random hook-up that I’m not
into kissing, but I’d really like to have a relationship with someone,
and I can’t go through my whole life avoiding the French kiss.

Should I
explain the whole story of how I never learned to kiss? And should I
just do it anyway, even though I don’t like it? It’s a little hard to
ask my friends about this, so I need another opinion.

Thanks,
Never Been Kissed