I really admire your writing and generally agree with your advice, but I think you were, well off the mark, with the advice to the Not-So-Newlywed Bride. You did say — accurately in my opinion — that if they couldn’t take the vacation, they couldn’t, and they should explain the situation to the best man. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is with this all together. Presumably, since he was the best man, he’s a close friend, and will understand. I think this came across in your column. But then you went on advise this woman further, saying that they really, really should take the vacation. Here’s where my problem is.

You say you “don’t mean to be flip” but that unless this woman’s children are on the verge of death, they should basically find a way to go. Now, this woman’s children or child may actually be seriously ill, or yes, dying. Of course, I would guess if they were, she would be more concerned about that than about this gift. But the point is, you don’t know what is going on in this family. You have no conception of their lives or their children’s needs. A topic in Hissyfits right now is about spoiled children’s bad behavior. One mother posted to this thread, reminding everybody that you don’t know what is going on right then in these people’s lives, and you just might want to consider giving them a break. Exactly. Unless children are being abused, please MYOB. When you suggested that this woman “cut the cord,” you stepped over the line, and missed the chance to make another very good point.

Gifts like this woman received shouldn’t be given without consultation to the giftees. Any gift that requires effort on the part of the person(s) receiving it should be asked about. This applies to pets, vacations, tickets to events, et cetera. First of all, they may not want that gift. They may not like a particular show or artist. They may not care for dogs or Hawaii. More importantly, they may not be able to use that gift, or in the case of a pet, take care of it. Pets have to have shots; they should be spayed or neutered, as you recently pointed out. They also need regular pet appointments as well as affection. Some people, for whatever reason, may not be up for the expense of money or time. So you don’t get a pet for someone without consulting him/her. Same thing for vacations. You suggested that these people take off for a few days and leave their kids with a caretaker. Now, even assuming that these people didn’t have “child-related obligations,” presumably they have to pay for the caretaker. Even presuming that the voucher given covers everything at the lodge (which it probably didn’t), I’m guessing the best man isn’t going to pay for a babysitter. The couple also probably has to take off work. All of this costs money and they might not have it to spend, or would prefer to spend it on other things. If this guy is such a great friend, he could have written them a cheque. Then they could have decided how to spend the money, and when, without someone else deciding for them, just like they should be able to decide on how to raise their children, and how much, and when those children need them.

People shouldn’t give gifts that carry obligations with them. They shouldn’t tell parents the right way to raise their children. People have different lives and different belief systems. Good friends will respect this. A good friend would understand when the not-so-newlywed bride explained that a vacation couldn’t be used. But of course, in my opinion, a good friend would have asked before giving such a gift. Gifts don’t always have to be suprises,and some just shouldn’t be.

A believer of the “My life is my own” sentiment

I have a son and I have yet to leave him with a babysitter for more than a few hours at most. He is with me or my husband ALL DAY. He’s not yet school age. Long-short: I know how she feels about the child obligations. But I’d be damned if I wouldn’t find SOMEONE to watch my little monster for the weekend if our best man had given us such a gift. So my folks are two states away and we don’t speak anymore; I’d call my Gram. Gram busy? I’d call every damned friend I ever had and find someone willing to be responsible for two days. Heck, get the guy who GAVE you the gift to watch the rugrats! There are ways, girl. Sounds to me like she needs the getaway a lot more than she realizes. As you so eloquently said: Cut the cord already.

Sith Goddess