Maybe you can help me with this, because I can’t seem to decide what to do. I’ve got a friend named Ann whom I’ve been friends with for about five years. We met our freshman year in college, and even though I left school three years ago, we’ve remained close. Since then, she’s graduated and moved to my city, which is also her hometown, and started working as a teacher.

Lately, when she asks me to do something, she always wants it to be a “girls’ night out” sort of thing. I’ve been in a relationship for the past eighteen months, and she’s never had a problem hanging out with my boyfriend before. He’s beginning to think that she doesn’t like him, even though he hasn’t done anything to upset her. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, by the way. Ann also always invites another teacher from her school, named Kristy. When Ann and Kristy are together, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise, and I end up feeling like I’m on the outside of a very inside joke. They aren’t interested in hearing about my job or about my life…basically, I sit there while they discuss students and gossip about other teachers and share teacher jokes that really aren’t that funny unless you are a teacher.

She keeps inviting me out, and I hate to turn her down, because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I really miss just hanging around with her, too. I just don’t want to be the odd man out every time, and I want to spend time with her and my boyfriend at the same time. Should I say something to her, or should I stick with the “ignore it and it will go away” routine?

Thanks!

Stumped

I’d really like an outside (preferably blunt) opinion about something, and you seem like a pretty good person to request that from. Here goes:

For the first time in my life, I’ve found a really great guy. We’re pretty different in outside appearances (social/economic status, tastes, et cetera) but have great conversations, are attracted to one another, blah blah blah. Basically: I like him and he likes me back. We’re not technically dating yet, but things are definitely heading that way.

The problem: “Amy,” his ex. (Surprise, surprise.) He’s been honest with me and told her that he’s still friends with her; they still talk about once month, and they have mutual friends. That’s cool with me; they went out for over two years, I don’t expect her to just drop out of his life.

But she’s kinda unstable. After leaving him for another guy, she keeps calling him and asking him about his social life. Her new boyfriend has gone to where he works and told him to “lay off Amy” even though he’s not trying to get back with her. More recently, she found out (through talking to him) that he’s seeing me. She goes psycho, asking all these questions (where do I live, where do I go to school). He tells her she doesn’t need to know, and she starts making these threats that she’s going to seek me out and do whatever.

Both his friends and him have said she’s just insecure and isn’t going to do anything. They’re not supplying any of my information to her, and I was fully prepared to sit back and hope the situation would go away. But today I found out (by him) that Amy went over to his house and tried to get on him. He refused her advances, then had to spend an hour talking to her when she started crying. He’s a very peaceful, non-confrontational guy and I doubt he’s going to “lay down the law” with her.

My question: Should I be worried? He’s made it clear he’s interested in me, and has been completely honest in everything that’s been going on. I don’t know Amy, I don’t know if I’m actually in danger, and I’m not sure if I’m going to know if/when to set down an ultimatum (i.e. tell her it’s over and to stop harassing him).

Thanks, Sars…

How Much Is Too Much?

I have a question for you that really requires an objective opinion, I think.

My sister and I have been close ever since we got into our upper teens. I’ve also been pretty close with her SO ever since they met. I think we’ve considered each other our best female friends for seven or eight years now. We’ve been able to confide in each other in areas that no one else would really understand, including our SOs, and have/had more inside jokes than anyone else could possibly follow along with.

She and her husband moved way far away, like airplane-is-required far away, a while back. It’s understandable; I had to move too when I found a job. People have to live their own lives.

But something happened a few months ago that changed the way I feel about her, and the only person I’ve told this to (my SO) does not agree with me whatsoever. See, we’ve both always hated the baby pressure that most young couples have to deal with. Neither of us has ever made big TMI announcements about when we plan on having a kid, what names we already have picked out, where we’d like to conceive them, blah. Most of the women in our family are TMI queens, so discretion has always been important to us, and all baby questions are answered briefly and noncommittally.

So, a few months back, she announced that she was three months pregnant, that it was painstakingly planned, and that they’d been arranging the exact date/time of the pregnancy for almost a year. And she announced it to our dysfunctional family before she told me.

I was floored. Like, I understand not divulging anything to THEM until absolutely necessary, I really do. But a year’s worth of planning, and not a peep in my direction? Not a casual “oh, we may think abnout kids once we move, who knows.” Nothing. I wouldn’t have pressured her. I would’ve kept the secret until she was ready to tell. But as far as I or anyone else in the world knew, she hated kids and never wanted to have any, ever.

But again, I realize that it’s not my life, it’s hers. She can do whatever she likes and it’s really none of my business. So I’ve taken this pregnancy bombshell as a signal that we’re not close anymore. I am no longer a best friend, I am no longer a confidante. I can’t help but feel this way. I find myself not caring whatsoever if she’s nauseous, or if it’s a boy or girl, and I sure as hell have no interest in spending a ton of money to fly out there after it’s born. Her phone calls and emails are interminably long and boring, consisting solely of baby info that does not interest me and in fact frequently grosses me out. But she’s acting like everything’s hunky dory, and of COURSE I just HAVE to fly out there! Everyone’s going to! And what should she NAME it? When am I coming when am I coming?

So first question: Am I an unfeeling monster for having no interest in this baby, and wanting to let her have her own little private life and just leave me out of it? I have nothing but good wishes for her and her little family, but I can deal with a polite and somewhat detached relationship with her; that’s pretty much what I have going on with everyone in my family except my mom.

Secondly, as a slight complication to the whole thing, my husband’s about to move to another state on business for about 18 months, and I’d really rather use my precious few vacation days (I only get five per year) and limited disposable income to fly and see him rather than a sibling. I mean, I’ll only be seeing him once every two or three months at best, so a trip to sister’s will eliminate a trip to see my spouse. D0 you agree with my assessment of this situation?

Thanks for anything you can tell me, and I’m mentally prepared for a Sars-style smackdown…

Apathetic in Arkansas