The Vine: March 28, 2006
Dear Sars,
I can’t even believe that I’m in this situation.
I am 28, a professional with a well-paying (85K) job in a large eastern seaboard city. I’ve been dating “the one” for almost a year now — he is 34, has a professional degree also, but quit his job in August to finish up a degree in what promises to be a much more lucrative field. We’ve talked about marriage, babies, et cetera, and expect to get engaged when he finishes school this time next year. Right now, he is living on saved money and federal loans; I pay the bills at my apartment, where he stays most of the time. He is a wonderful guy — supportive, kind, practical, thoughtful. The last 11 months have been the happiest of my life — I’ve never been in a relationship before where I was so content, where everything was so easy, and where I was so sure about the person that I was with.
And I’m pregnant. Just barely — I think it’s under 30 days, as my period is only four days late, although the pregnancy test(s) came out positive. I will see my doctor today or tomorrow to confirm, but once I know for sure, I still have a huge dilemma.
I am, in theory, pro-choice. I have always said that I was pro-choice, but that I didn’t know if I could actually have an abortion myself. And now I’m in a position where I have to decide.
My first thought when I realized that I might really be pregnant (two days ago) was “How am I going to deal with this?” — meaning having a baby now, out of sequence (you know, engagement, marriage, house, baby). Last night I broke the news of my concerns to my boy, we took the test, it came out positive, and his first reaction was basically “we can’t do this — we cannot have a baby right now.” And I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can do it either way — either have the baby, or not. I’m afraid that if I have it, it will ruin our lives; I’m afraid if I don’t, it will ruin my life. Again, theoretically I am down with abortion; I’ve been to the Planned Parenthood site, I understand my options, I know that the “baby” is, like, a tadpole right now, if that…
He says it’s ultimately my decision, but…I can tell that he doesn’t want this. I think he is overreacting, but he insists that he will have to drop out of school and go back to his old job, because we can’t do this on one salary. I don’t know what I want, but I tried to tell him that it feels different over here on my side of the fence. My boobs are sore, I’m tired, I’m queasy — this situation is a lot more real to me than it is to him, I think. The little tadpole is making its presence known here.
I don’t even know what my question is. I will see my doctor, I will talk to a counselor, I will do all of those things. Is it too soon to make a decision either way? How do I know what is the “right thing” to do? I have this idea that we can do it — have a baby now — without it being the end of the world. He will start his last semester in August, which is when I would be due, I guess. It would be hard, but I think we could do it. I just need an outside opinion — am I crazy? Is it doable?
I know this is a terrible, rambling, not to the point letter, but that’s about the best I can do right now. I need some level-headed advice, and I don’t know where else to go.
Thanks,
It’s so much simpler in theory!
Dear Theory,
I can’t really tell you what to do; you have to decide for yourself what feels right, and you have to believe that, whatever you decide, you’ll have the strength to live with the decision. That’s the key here — having some faith that things are going to work themselves out, which they tend to do whether we like it or not, or that you yourself are going to work them out, which you can.
You have some really tough choices to make and not a lot of time to make them in, but my main advice to you really has nothing to do with the choices themselves, and everything to do with listening to yourself and your instincts in the situation and trying not to get too bogged down in Supposed To and Theoretically Speaking. Ask yourself what you want to do, what the ideal scenario is, what the worst-case scenario is. Ask yourself whether this is still something you want to move forward with if you don’t have the unqualified support of your boyfriend — if you think you could do it alone, or would want to. Ask yourself how each of these decisions could play out, and be honest with yourself about the answers.
Whatever the answers are, they aren’t “wrong,” but you need to tell yourself the truth about them, and you need to tell your boyfriend the truth about them. If you do that, you can figure this out — not that it’s a fun process, mind you, but it is what it is, and if you’re both truthful about what it is for each of you, you can make an informed decision.
But: trust yourself. Hear what the situation is telling you.
Great and Mighty Sars,
You seem to have little patience with misbehaving children, and I’m hoping either you or the readers can give me a hand with this one (your advice has been perfect in the past). I live in a relatively small town, but it’s starting to seem a lot smaller. My younger sister is seven and because my mom’s a big advocate of staying involved with your kids’ lives, she’s involved with the PTA at the elementary school.
You may be wondering where this is leading; it has to do with meeting kids in public. Namely, in restaurants. A good case in point is a night that I was out with the fam at a semi-family restaurant. Now a friend of my sister’s saw us and decided she had to be the table entertainment for the evening and, I couldn’t make this up, she was yelling songs across the restaurant, shoving stuffed animals in our faces and generally being disruptive all night. I was in a foul mood by the end of it all and my mom was obviously irritated (that kind of behavior warranted a one-way ticket to the car). Even my younger sister was irritated and telling this kid to go back to her table!
I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do (or could have done) in this situation and other “parents not putting Janie on a leash” situations in the future. I was tempted to go and give this little girl’s apparently negligent parents a piece of my mind, but they know exactly who I am, where I live, and which families know me. I don’t want my name blackened in this town, but I need to keep my sanity and I am NOT a kid-lover to begin with.
Help from anyone at all?
Sincerely,
Szechuan Stir-Fry with Tofu, No Kids On The Side Please
Dear Szechuan,
“Name blackened”? I think that’s maybe a little Dynasty for the situation at hand, but in any case, if a kid is coming over to your table and causing a ruckus, I think your first move is to ask the server or hostess to ask the parents to please keep little Janie close to their own table — if she’s underfoot, with servers carrying big platters of hot food and coffee and so on, it could be dangerous, blah blah, waiters usually know how to phrase it so it’s more diplomatic than “your kid’s annoying other patrons.”
If that doesn’t work, take Janie by the hand, lead her back to her table, and tell her, and her parents, in a pleasant tone that you can’t wait to visit with her after you’re finished eating. Then ask her parents quietly if they could please keep Janie at their table until you’ve finished your meal; you know she’s excited, but you’re unable to eat with her there, what with the stuffed-animal intrusions.
If people in your town decide to start shunning you because you politely asked Janie’s family to mind her a bit more attentively so that she’s not basically harassing you while you’re eating, well, maybe it’s time for your family to move.
I know you are more of a cat person than a dog person
but I’m hoping you can try your hand at this one. I
adopted a dog from the local humane society last
summer and today, a man stopped me on the street and
said he thinks this is his dog. We just talked about
what we knew of the dog and so on and it does seem
possible although I have no idea how to verify such a
thing. He wasn’t pushy about it but did seem to
really miss the dog. He left me his name and number.
I guess rightfully I don’t have to do anything about
it but it bothers me a bit to think about having taken
the dog from people who wanted him. I’m not sure what
to do. Do I call the humane society and try to find
out more from them to see if it really does sound
legitimate? Do I return him or keep him? Do I call
the guy one way or another to let him know? Are there
any other options or other advice you can think of?
Thanks for your level-headed help.
Dog’d by doubt
Dear D,
I can brainstorm circumstances under which it could happen that a dog gets spirited away, winds up at the humane society, and the owners don’t know what became of him, and it’s all perfectly innocent — but I have to say, “last summer” was kind of a while ago. Now the guy thinks it’s his dog? You know? Again, there could be an explanation, but — he didn’t call around to the shelters and animal hospitals when the dog went missing?
Sure, maybe he did; I’m sure this has happened. But — last summer. If it is the guy’s dog, I feel for him, but it’s been nine months, and it’s not like you walked into his yard and yoinked the dog. You adopted him from the SPCA or wherever; your due diligence is done. I would just forget it.
O wise Sars,
Help! I have a boy problem!
Okay, here’s the deal: There’s this guy. He’s nice, he’s cool, he listens to great music. Guy also likes me. He recently discovered that I don’t have a boyfriend, and today he gave me a rose. Which is very sweet, but I don’t want to date him. I’m not interested in having a serious boyfriend right now. I’m a sophomore in college, and if I don’t pay attention to my studies I’ll lose my scholarship. That would mean transferring back home, and half the reason I chose this college was to get away from the area I grew up in.
But the main issue is the age difference. I’m 19, he’s in his upper 20s (my guess would be 28). At this point, I consider eight or nine years to be waaayyyyy too much of an age gap. I’m still a teenager! He’s nice, but I honestly feel a little creeped out by it.
I know that I need to suck it up and deal with the situation. It’s not going to be fun, but don’t worry, I’m not going to ask if I can ignore it until it goes away. My problem is that Guy drives one of the campus buses. One of the two buses that goes to and from my apartment complex. So, I tell him I’m not interested, and then I a) board the bus each time in painful, awkward silence, or b) ride the other bus for the rest of the semester and be either really early or really late to every class.
Obviously, I would much rather be able to get on his bus with as little awkwardness as possible. But how do I tell him? I don’t want to be so nice about it that he doesn’t get the picture, but I don’t want to be so harsh that every time I try to get on the bus he slams the doors shut and drives off in a cloud of smoke. What is the best way to resolve this situation?
Thanks,
Wait…Can I Ignore It Until It Goes Away?
Dear Maybe,
If he hasn’t actually asked you out yet, maybe it’s best just to leave it lie — but if he gave you a rose, the asking-out probably isn’t far off, and you’re just going to have to tell him exactly what you just told me. You’re flattered, but you’re not looking for a boyfriend because you want to focus on your studies. And if it’s awkward, well, start bringing a book or a magazine to read on the bus. Dude probably shouldn’t be hitting on students anyway; if he wants to be a dick about you not showing any interest in it, that’s his choice.
Dear Sars,
I’m a longtime fan of the site, but now I need some help with some
scathing put-downs or shunning. And you seem to be the right person to
ask.
We’re all seniors here at Snobby Northeast College, and I’ve got a
pretty tight group of friends that I’ve been hanging with since
sophomore year. B is one of them, a really sweet girl who unfortunately
chooses to get really drunk a little too often (by her own admission;
I like to hoist a few, so I’m not judging her here). H was as well, a
big and boisterous guy who was always good for a laugh and a hug.
Until two weeks ago, when at a house party B drank enough to black
out, and a nearly-sober H brought her upstairs to someone’s room,
turned off the lights and closed the door, and started making out with
her. Another guy friend of ours tried to stop him on the way, but H
shrugged him off. B doesn’t remember going upstairs; the first thing
she remembers is someone texting her, causing her phone to go off and
making H back off. His version of events differs substantially, but
others have corroborated seeing H lead B upstairs, and apparently
someone opened the door by mistake and H told them to get the hell
out.
Now, B is seriously freaked out. So am I — one of my best friends
basically got sexually assaulted. The dilemma is how to act around H.
It’s a very small campus, so I see him a lot, and he’s also in chorus
with me, B, and some of our other friends. And he’s usually very
friendly, coming up and giving us hugs and chatting with us. This
gives me the heebs now, understandably, and I really want nothing
more to do with the creep. But I don’t want to confront him in public
or get all high and mighty on B’s behalf unless she asks me to first.
So what do I do, the next time he tries to give me a bear hug? My
instinctual reaction is to knee him in the balls and yell “rapist,” but
that’s not the best option, and I just want to get to graduation as
quickly as possible.
Thanks,
Stand By B, When H Is Wrong (pretend it scans, please!)
Dear Wrong,
“H, please don’t do that. It makes me uncomfortable.” Walk away without explanation. If he’s all “what’s your problem?”, don’t take the bait; just repeat that it makes you uncomfortable and end the conversation.
You aren’t required to justify yourself to him; if he wants to create drama, he’s welcome to try, but you aren’t required to help him. Tell him hands off, end of story.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette kids
