My dearest Sars,

Okay, I’ll keep my question short and sweet.

I’m getting married in September. He’s amazing, my best friend, my muse, blah blah blah soul mate-cakes. The issue is my sister. My sister is 35 years old (I’m 32)…she has been an alcoholic for about 15 years and a crystal meth addict for about five years. In between she managed to multi-task enough to be abused by a multitude of men, divorce the nicest man alive, sleep with a small battalion of repulsive creeps, become a multiple DUI offender, isolate herself from her entire family (except my mom, whom she guilts into sending her money) and basically disgust her father, break her mother’s heart, and mortify and verbally abuse me, her only sibling.

Now lest you think I am a judgmental and heartless jerk, know that I love my sister immensely. When I hear what is going on with her, it physically pains me. I have been known to break down and cry when discussing her problems with my friends. I still keep pictures of us around my apartment to remind me of what we used to share when we were kids. I would gladly give a limb for her to get better. But I know it’s just not in the cards — she doesn’t want to be better. I’ll spare you the gory details.

My question: Do I need to invite her to my wedding? I was maid of honor at her doomed wedding eight years ago but we haven’t been close since. We talk on an average of once a year — usually when she’s fucked up and asking me for money. Money which I refuse to send. My mother is horrified that I may not want this walking car crash at my wedding. My fiancée understands my point of view and doesn’t want me worried and stressed out about her on my wedding day.

Bottom line is, I don’t want her there. But am I obliged to at least extend an invitation?

Sincerely,
Trying to avoid a Sandra Bullock in 28 Days scene at my wedding

Dear Who Isn’t,

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t extend an invitation and then expect that she won’t show up; if you don’t want her there, you’ll have to not invite her.

You aren’t close to your sister anymore; it’s debatable whether she even is your sister anymore, really, versus some entirely different person controlled by her addictions; you’re fairly sure that having her there will result in an unpleasant-at-best scene that will become everyone’s focus…I wouldn’t invite her.

I do think you’re “obliged” to explain this to your mother, and to tell her that, if you thought there were any chance your sister would behave, you’d include her — but you have to be realistic, and you don’t want to spend your wedding day bracing for impact with this. You say your mother is “horrified,” but you don’t say she’s making a huge issue of it or trying to “make” you invite your sister, so maybe your best bet is to have a gentle talk with your mom where you say that you know she wants the whole family there and for everyone to get along and for her daughters to be close…but that that isn’t the world you live in, and you’re so sorry, but it’s not happening.

But honestly, even if your sister doesn’t act up, you will spend the entire reception waiting for her to. She’s made her choices; this is the consequence, unfortunately. Leave her off the list.

O Wise One,

The story goes like this. This boy, who we’ll call Matt, was a close
friend of mine for years — we met in first grade and were “best
friends” for a long time. I developed a crush on him at some point, we
“dated” in sixth and seventh grade (isn’t that precious?). He moved
away during the summer between those two grades, and our contact
tapered off. Whatever.

Once high school started, he was back. We didn’t really talk for about
a year, but in my junior year he was in some of my classes and slowly
we became really close again. You have to understand that this was in
a completely platonic sense, for a long time at least. We had a lot of
fun together, but he had a very steady girlfriend and I had a very
steady boyfriend, and that was that.

At least it was until senior year. Again, we had classes together, and
after he became president of Stagecrew, I joined. We started hanging
out occasionally outside of school as well, which we hadn’t been doing
until that point.

His girlfriend started getting sort of jealous of me, which probably
should have been my first hint. Then other people started saying
stuff — random people asking if we were dating, friends hinting that he
was acting like he was in love with me, whatever. I’m…kind of a
doofus, and I really didn’t think that was remotely possible. After
all, he was with Mary, I was with Darren, we were friends and that
was it. From my side, at least, things remained platonic, and, being a
doofus, I assumed they did for him as well.

Blah blah blah, time passes. Toward the end of senior year, Matt and
Mary break up mutually and without rancor. I’m the one he calls about
it when it happens, because that’s the sort of friends we are at this
point. We talk about it, but he’s not hitting on me or anything. There
are a few suggestions from others that they broke up over the amount
of time he was spending with me, or because he wanted to be with me,
but he says nothing of the sort and I trust him and so I think people
are just being High School Gossip Freaks and overdramatizing a
completely benign sitch.

Beginning of last summer. For completely unrelated reasons, I broke up
with Darren for a while. This had been a very, very long and important
relationship, and I was completely devastated; I called Matt, as he
was my Talking Friend and I needed someone to just listen. Matt was a
little worried about me after this, which is probably justified; I was
a mess. We started hanging out a lot more often, mostly because I
really needed somebody to take care of me. I didn’t come on to him in
any way, or act like I wanted to date him — hell, I was completely
fucked up over another guy!

Still, Matt apparently decided that this was a good time to move in
for the kill. He tried to initiate stuff several times; I always
unequivocally shot him down, but I also always went back over to his
house a few days later. I trusted him, you know? I thought he
understood that I wasn’t over Darren, couldn’t even contemplate
being with anybody else in any way.

Then, one night I very stupidly went over there when no one else was
home and allowed him to get me slightly drunk (miserable people are
idiots; or maybe it’s just me). Some stuff which I was very not cool
with went down (no, not that, but I am truly not sure that he would
have stopped if I hadn’t slapped him back to himself and gone home
immediately). After that I was finally smart enough to cut ties with
him. The next time he called, I told him that I couldn’t hang out with
him anymore, and he needed to stop calling.

Thing is, he didn’t. All summer. My family started screening our calls
so that I would not have to talk to him; it got to the point where he
was leaving five or six messages a day, on my cell or my home phone.
Needless to say, it freaked me out. They weren’t threatening messages
or anything, just “We should hang out,” or “I’m feeling really messed
up today…Mary’s sick…please call me, I just really need to talk.” The
latter ones made me feel unbelievably guilty, lemme tell you — here I
was, abandoning someone who had been there for me! But between how
upset I still was over Darren, and what had happened with Matt, I
really didn’t have the energy to try to talk to him and patch things
up. I just wanted it over with, wanted him to stop calling and leave
me alone. It totally didn’t help that my mother LOVED Matt, thought I
should marry him someday, kept telling me to call him back or that I
was being mean…

At the end of August I left for college; I go four hours from my home.
I felt so much better about it — no more chance he was going to show up
at my house or work! No more mother making me feel guilty every time
he left a message and I ignored it! It’s great, Sars. And eventually,
he stopped calling.

Then, over Christmas break, he showed up at my house. I wasn’t home,
but my mom was; by this time I had told her explicitly what had
happened, so at least she would stop guilt-tripping me. She told him
in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want to see him again and he
needed to leave me alone. According to her, he looked really sad, but
said “Oh. Okay. Tell her I’m sorry,” and left. The calls stopped
entirely, and he didn’t show up again or even try to contact me
through mutual friends.

I thought it was over.

Last week? He left a message on my cell phone.

“Hey, Sara, it’s me. Um…I know I made things awkward between us, but I
really didn’t mean to. I was pretty messed up then. I’m doing better
now…got a job…and I’m not romantically interested in anyone at the
moment. You should call me. I’d hate to think that I ruined a
friendship. So…call me. I’ll talk to you. Love ya, bye.”

Sars, I don’t know what to do! In two months I’ll be home, and he can
literally walk to my house from his in under seven minutes. It’s not like
I’ll see him when I’m washing the car, but still, he’s only a couple
of blocks over. I do NOT want him showing up. After my mom telling him
off, I wouldn’t think he would, but…I wouldn’t think he’d call me,
either.

I realize that maybe I’m being a little over-dramatic about the whole
thing; I mean, it’s a really long-term and close friendship to be
ending completely over one night. (Really, though, it’s not just the
one thing…it’s that he KEPT. CALLING. ME. Every single time, it got
more uncomfortable and I got more set on not talking to him or seeing
him.) Believe me, I’ve agonized over that quite a bit — I’m not the
type of person who lets go of relationships easily, much less the one
who ends them. But no matter how I rationalize it and tell myself I’m
being a bitch, I still feel nauseous when I think of having to see
him.

So, my question is — how would you get someone like this to leave you
alone once and for all, after a long campaign of refusing to
communicate and having your very intimidating mother tell him
to quit it failed? He was a friend, a good one, and I don’t want to do
something cinematic, but…well, it’s over, and quite frankly it’s his
fault it’s over, so he needs to just STOP. I’m dreading going home for
the summer because of the possibility of him coming to my house or to
my workplace. I do NOT need another summer like the last one. I don’t
think it warrants legal action (I get the heebies even saying that),
but…why won’t he get the DAMN point?

Maybe an add-on to that question — am I being a horrible person to
WANT him to leave me alone? I honestly can’t decide. On one hand,
dude, you do not get your girl friends drunk and try to fuck them when
they’ve explicitly told you no before, but on the other, he was
drunk too and guys are horny and I was hanging around with him a lot
and probably giving out the wrong impression blah blah blah poorly
socialized girl stuff. And I probably know the answer to this, but I
want to hear an impartial opinion.

Thanks,
If I’d known in sixth grade what I know today, I would not have
thought he was a nice boy!

Dear Nice,

“I mean, it’s a really long-term and close friendship to be
ending completely over one night.” First of all, it’s not one night. It’s him completely not hearing you or respecting your wishes. Second of all, that “one night” involved you having to slap him to put a stop to something you didn’t want. Matt is not someone you want in your life in any capacity. Third of all, he’s not your friend. See above. Friends don’t act like that. Friends don’t stalk you.

And the best way to send him that message — that the friendship is over and will not resume, ever — is to continue not having any contact with him. Do not respond to the phone calls. Do not answer the door yourself when you’re home; if he comes to your house, instruct your parents not to answer the door either. This is the only way to get him to leave you alone, and believe me, this is what you want and what you should do. He is creepy and can’t let go, and any contact with him will only prove to him that calling repeatedly, showing up unannounced, and basically looming over you all the time is an effective means of getting through to you. And if you ever want him to get the hint and give it up, you have to keep ignoring him.

“Giving out the wrong impression,” my ass. You told him “no.” He didn’t hear it. You ignored him for months; he didn’t get it, but he’s going to get it — you just need to keep doing it. He’s a fuck-up, and he brought this on himself. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking he’s the victim here.

Hey Sars,

Just what does friendship entitle you to? I have a close friend, “Pinky,”
that I think may be asking too much of me. Or maybe I’m an asshole. You tell
me.

Pinky is gay and in the closet. Our group of close friends knows, but no one
else. She came to me one day really upset, and eventually confessed that
she’d kissed her best (straight) girlfriend, “Swear,” who had reciprocated.
She’d had a thing for Swear for years, so my first thought was “Yay!” But
she asked me not to mention it to anyone, so I assured her I wouldn’t. Swear
doesn’t even know I know.

It’s now been three and a half years since Pinky and Swear started up an undercover
relationship. I realize that there’s no time limit for keeping secrets, but
this has put me in an awkward position. Pinky, Swear and I are all members
of a close group of friends that has become pretty suspicious of their
relationship. I agree that it’s no one’s business. My problem is that she’s
asked me to lie for her when people (including her family) start wondering
why they’re checking into hotels and constantly spending the night at each
other’s places. I especially hate the fact that my boyfriend is one of the
people I’m being asked to lie to. He knew about Pinky’s crush on Swear, and
has become genuinely worried that she’s getting herself hung up on someone
she’ll never have a chance with.

I’m worried that my judgment on the secret-keeping is skewed by the fact
that I’m not crazy about the relationship. In the first place, Swear had a
boyfriend that she kept seeing for three months after she started up with Pinky
— scummy in my book. I don’t think it’s good for Pinky, especially since
Swear has explicitly said that she a) doesn’t really consider herself gay or
bisexual, and b) doesn’t see herself ending up with a girl. So Pinky is
basically just hanging on for as long as she can until Swear decides to dump
her and get serious with a guy.

So do I have a legitimate beef here at all about the forced lying? I’ve told
her I’m not comfortable with it, but she just shrugs it off. Or is this
really just me being overprotective?

Thanks,
How literally am I supposed to take “Cross my heart and hope to die”?

Dear Heart,

I think it’s time to tell Pinky that, while you’re not going to make a point of telling anyone her secret, you’re done lying for her — it’s putting you in an awkward position with your boyfriend and a number of other people; it’s been going on for three years; enough. Either she stands by her actions or she doesn’t, but it’s not fair to you and you can’t do it anymore.

If she freaks out on you, well, you can’t do much about that, but whether or not the relationship itself is healthy isn’t the point here. It’s that Pinky’s asking you to possibly compromise your relationships with other people by lying to them for her.

Don’t tell her you’re “not comfortable with” it. Tell her you’re not doing it anymore. This is not reasonable for her to ask of you; she doesn’t have to get that, but you do.

Dear Sars,

I’ve wanted to write in about this for a while, but never did because I felt like it was just another cliché boy problem. But I think I’ve reached my breaking point with this and I’m desperate for advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and I love him dearly, but he does something (that I guess many guys do) that absolutely drives me nuts. Over the past year or so, he’s become increasingly unreliable when it comes to phone calls and keeping plans. It’s now at the point where I’ve considered breaking up with him over this.

An example: Last week he told me that after he came back from work, he would go to the gym, and then come by to see me at 9. He calls me at 9:30 and tells me that he’s not feeling well and he’s resting. In fact, he didn’t even go to the gym. So if he didn’t go to the gym, and was home for hours resting, why couldn’t he call me and let me know instead of having me wait all that time? He does this type of thing a lot. If he tells me he’ll call me at a certain time (or rather, if I ask him too), there’s probably a 50% chance he won’t. He cancels plans or acts unaware that we made plans in the first place. Another thing — he goes to sleep early, around 10 PM. So, we basically don’t go out anywhere, and if I see him it’s at his house (he barely ever comes to my house, for reasons he doesn’t explain) for a few hours, or I sleep over. If I ask him to go somewhere with me where we would be out late, he says absolutely not, he needs his rest. But when his friends ask him to go out, he mysteriously gains enough energy to be out until 2 AM.

I HATE that he’s so unreliable. He makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be with me with his actions, though he swears up and down that he loves me and wants to be with me. When I complain about these things, he tells me to calm down, or that I’m overreacting, or to cut him some slack. I have no more slack left. I’ve been crying practically every night for the past few weeks over him, and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I told him this. I said I can’t imagine that he actually thinks it’s okay to treat me this way, but if he does, he needs to find another girlfriend who will take his shit. He apologized, said I was right, and said he would try to change his behavior. Three days later, he cancelled plans and is now out with his friends at 1 AM, even though when I said I would come over at 9 to hang out, he said I could come over to sleep, not hang out, because he was just soooo tired.

I feel like a crazy obsessive girlfriend when I call him like six times in three hours and he doesn’t answer (yes, seriously), and though he tells me he loves me all the time, his actions are speaking louder than his words.

So my questions are these: Am I overreacting, or am I right in thinking he is being disrespectful in his actions? And well, what do I do? I’m horribly afraid you’ll tell me to dump him, because I really don’t want to. I love him and he’s a great guy, other than this. But this really does hurt me, and I can’t just keep letting it go. A friend suggested I do the same thing, to give him a taste of his own medicine, but I think that would just cause him to defend his future actions with “Well, you just did that same thing to me last week!” Any advice?

Thanks,
I swear I’m not the crazy nagging girlfriend I may seem to be

Dear Nag,

No, you’re not overreacting; yes, I think you should break up with him. Yeah, yeah, you love him — why? It sounds like you barely see each other, and when you do it’s always on his terms, plus he’s disrespectful of you, lies to you about his plans, doesn’t seem to want to hang out with you or talk to you in the first place, and is making you think you’re the crazy one. That isn’t love. He’s making you unhappy, you’ve told him how not to do that, he’s declined to change. End of story. Dump him.

Because this isn’t just a theoretical “I’m not supposed to stay with someone who treats me like this” construct, is the thing. (Although you aren’t, because behavior like this usually means that either he’s cheating on you, or he’s trying to maneuver you into dumping him.) It’s basic incompatibility. The two of you don’t agree on how much time you should spend together, or how, and the problem isn’t just that he’s evidently avoiding you — which, don’t kid yourself, he is (see above). The problem is that you can’t change people. You’ve tried to change him, and it didn’t take. So, either you can keep eating shit from him every time he rejects spending time with you in favor of “sleeping” (read: going out with anyone but you), or you can break up with him and find someone who doesn’t make you feel like crap.

Dear Sars,

Question the First: I am currently living in a poorly-lit apartment
with my boyfriend, “Jake.” We have a few desk lamps and one floor
lamp, which migrates between my bedroom and the living room. This is
because lamps are freaking expensive (there is no IKEA or Costco near
us). My mom suggested hanging Chinese paper lanterns, which I find
unobtrusive (I don’t spend time staring at lamps) and which shield the
bulb from blinding people who glance that way.

Jake thinks they’re hideous. So does our friend “Fiona,” whom we’re
about to move into a house with. The house will need a LOT more
lighting than the three of us currently have.

Jake and Fiona are both still in school, sporadically working
part-time. I will be graduating in spring, and working full-time, so
it will probably fall to me to buy lights.

Although Jake and Fiona will tolerate ugly, ugly furniture as long as
it’s free/cheap, they won’t compromise on lights (my philosophy is
that until you’re making a decent living, you can’t be picky,
especially if you’re not the one buying the lights). Can you think of
any way that we can have lamps that (a) shield the bulbs so I won’t
feel like we’re living in a warehouse, (b) are not Chinese lanterns or
otherwise “ugly,” and (c) are cheap (under $40 for a floor lamp, under
$30 for anything else)? We haven’t had much luck at Goodwill or
garage sales.

Question the Second: Whenever I organize my room/throw stuff out, one
of my cats (“Alpha”) gets tense and freaky. She clearly associates
this sort of behavior with moving and/or packing (and us going away),
neither of which is something she enjoys. Is there any way I can
soothe her fears and keep her from zipping about underfoot with her
tail brushed up when I’m cleaning (she also gets tense whenever she’s
shut out of a room, but at least then I’m not tripping over her)?

Thanks,
Sitting in the Dark Owned By Her Cats

Dear Dark Cat,

Ikea has a website; many of their products are available for home delivery, so you might look into that, or do a search on eBay (or Craigslist) for vintage lighting, or check the yellow pages for vintage stores and see what selection they’ve got. Ask everyone to put together a list of their top three; whichever three everyone can agree on, buy those.

As to the cat — can’t you just shut her in another room while you clean? Put her in the bathroom with a towel and a favorite toy? That way, she can’t see what’s going on, and she’s not in the way.

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