The Vine: March 30, 2001
I’m afraid this is another one of those odd relationship letters. My boyfriend and I have been going out nine months, living together for five of them. (Yeah, I know, moving a little fast — believe me, I’ve heard it.) I love him dearly, he has a great personality, sense of humor, all that sort of stuff, he loves me too, and about the only thing married couples seem to have on us is a joint account. We disagree, we’ve had some outright unpleasant nights of it, but we always work out what’s wrong. There are a couple things about him that bother me that aren’t going to change, (he doesn’t take care of his car at all, and he’s a little lax about paying bills on time,) but I manage to work around these things and he doesn’t mind that I’m handling this stuff.
Sounds too good to be true, right? That’s what’s bothering me. Where’s the proverbial fly in the honey? Why do I keep getting depressed when I have no reason to be? Am I just nuts, or am I missing something? I know you can’t fix this, but an outside point of view (that isn’t family) would really help.
Thanks,
Utterly Confused
Dear Utterly,
I don’t know enough about the rest of your life — your work, your family, your past — to say whether your dissatisfaction is caused by your boyfriend or by something else. So, for lack of any information to the contrary, I will assume that it’s your boyfriend, or your relationship with him, that’s bothering you.
I’ve dated a couple of wonderful men in my life that just didn’t do it for me. Sometimes they didn’t do it for me from the get-go; in another instance, I got restless after a year or so. I think that’s what’s happening here — your boy is a lovely human being, and you love him, but he isn’t doing it for you, and if he isn’t, he isn’t. It’s not anyone’s fault. There’s no “reason,” per se. You just aren’t happy.
Maybe you moved in together too fast; maybe there’s only so much to know about the guy, and you know it already, and now you’ve gotten bored. The reasons don’t matter — you’ve got to talk to him about what you feel, even though it’ll hurt him. “A wonderful guy” and “a wonderful guy for you” aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Sarah,
I’m fairly new to your site and I find it very…interesting. Take it as a compliment, it was meant that way. Anyway, my friends and I have a slight problem, my friend Siobhan (don’t bother trying to pronounce it) is going out with a guy, I will put frankly, who we find to be dirt. No offense to anyone who may find that offensive, but it is ever so true. He has an incredibly low intelligence, he is hideously ugly, he lacks the knowledge of shaving properly (and many other things), and the only thing he can do (slightly) is beat people up. My friends and I find these attributes very unattractive and question Siobhan’s sanity in going out with him. We have made it very clear to her that we dislike him, intensely, yet she still seems to enjoy his company. I know I shouldn’t be trying to control Siobhan’s life, but whenever Jeremy (the guy) is around me, I can’t keep myself from insulting him. For example, the other day, he sprained his ankle while playing badminton (how is that possible?!). My friend (also named Sarah Bunting, eerily enough) and I couldn’t stop laughing. We even got our entire English class to watch him and Siobhan when we thought they were braking up. Needless to say, Jeremy hates us to no end, yet he follows Siobhan nearly everywhere. How do I get Jeremy away from us while keeping Siobhan as my friend? Siobhan’s already attemped to persuade him to stay away from us, but he doesn’t seem to get it. Please! You have to help me! I don’t mean to sound drastic but…well, I really dislike this guy!
Annoyed to no end
It’s “Show-ban,” isn’t it?
And now, to the advice. You’ve laughed at the guy when he’s hurt himself, you’ve encouraged others to spy on a private moment, and now you expect him to respect your wishes to leave you alone? It sounds like he’s immaturely trying to bother you by hanging around all the time, but it’s not like you’ve behaved in a more adult fashion than he has.
If the guy is as much of a buttwad as you say, Siobhan will sort that out on her own eventually (unless he’s beating her up too, in which case you need to intervene, immediately). Until then, I think you’ve established to everyone’s satisfaction that you and Jeremy don’t like each other. When he comes around, behave civilly, or ignore him.
It’s not like I don’t understand the impulse to fight bratty with bratty, but it’s clearly not working and you’ll just alienate Siobhan if you keep it up. So, don’t.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships
