The Vine: March 30, 2004
Hello, Sars.
I was wondering if you would mind giving an insight on the problem I’m facing.
In short words, the problem’s between my mom, college and I. In longer words, it’s an issue of common sense, listening to parents, or going your own way. When I first applied to college (of fine arts), both of my parents were perfectly spiffy with that decision. As was I, since arts was something I’ve enjoyed from the bottom of my soul. Practically right after I left for college, the parental situation changed: my mom, who never actually been much of a parental figure to begin with (working as a single mother to support the family for the first two thirds of my life and being emotionally/physically abusive till I outgrew her), decided that it was up to her to bring me to reality. Her reality had me getting a good job, making lots of money and not starving.
While I do like the idea of that, she keeps picking on the fact that I’m in fine arts: I am not going to transfer into biology, economics, or anything that has, in her eyes, “practical application.” As of late, all of our conversations consisted of her going on and on about how I’ll end up getting a minimum wage job and not get anywhere in life. That alone is quite discouraging. Just a few days back, she also started going on about me not being able to do anything in the field and succeed, unless I “get a rich husband.” (Which was pretty much how my education is being paid for, so she does have some point…but why not leave me with my innocent fantasies of something called “love”? And not “money is the meaning of life”?) After half an hour of hearing about how much I suck and how I’ll never be able to get anywhere in life, I hung up.
My stepdad tries to be supportive, but he can’t really stop her from being unpleasant on the phone or in person. Maybe he’s also hoping that I’m going to grow out of the entire painting-major thing?
My question is, is she right? Should I transfer to something more practical just for the sake of a better-paying job in the long run?
Confused freshbie
Dear Confused,
Well, painting is not known for paying better than investment banking, but you don’t go into a career in fine arts for the money; you do it because it’s what you do.
Unless your mother is paying for your education, she really ought to button her lip — and if she is paying, but she’s not threatening to stop unless you change majors, start 1) not caring what she thinks and 2) getting off the phone when she gets going on that pre-Cambrian rich-husband nonsense.
I would, however, line up some useful skills for after you graduate. Learn to type; see if you’ve got any ability at sales. Make sure you have an alternate way to pay the bills, because your mother is right about one thing — watercolors won’t. And once you do that and you’ve put together a plan, get to work on ignoring your mother.
Hi Sars,
Longtime Vine/TN reader and TWOPaholic. You helped me
out a while back
with
a question I had about what kind of cat litter was
best to use. I have
a
more serious problem now, so I’ll cut straight to it:
My husband, M.,
abuses
me.
I still can’t believe I typed that; you’re the first
person I’ve told.
It
took me a long time to admit it and even longer to
decide to take some
sort
of action. I’m aware of local resources that I can tap
into, i.e.
police,
helplines, employee assistance program, and I’m
looking into all those
now.
To be honest, I’m not ready to leave him. What I’m
considering now is
seeing
if there’s some way I can get this latest incident on
record with the
police
without having to press charges, since pressing
charges would mean
there
will be no one to watch our daughter if he goes to
jail. That way, if I
ever
do have to press charges, it won’t be the first time
they’ve heard his
name.
I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do but it’s
all I feel
comfortable
with right now. Anyway, my question has more to do
with the nuances of
this
situation.
I should say first that the abuse doesn’t happen
often, and from a
physical
standpoint it wasn’t severe until this morning. We’ve
been married for
four
years, and this started maybe a couple of years ago.
(I had known M.
for
eight years before we got married and I had no
indication of this when
we
were friends or during the time we dated.) It started
out pretty
low-key,
with him giving me a flick on the ear or something if
he was frustrated
with
me or wanted me to stop talking. Then there would be
an occasional
shove or
grab. Then a light smack on the arm. This morning it
went to a whole
new
level. During an argument, he punched me on the
backside — yep, that
one’s
going to leave a bruise — then I struck back at his
chest, and I can’t
remember if I did that out of anger or if he was
coming at me again and
I
was trying to defend myself. To be honest, I think it
might have been
the
former. Then he put his hands around my neck and tried
to choke me.
That was
only for a couple of seconds, but believe me, it felt
like an eternity.
I
swear to God, Sars, the look in his eyes…it was like
he wanted to
kill me.
I struggled with him and when I yelled, our
10-month-old daughter, who
had
witnessed the whole thing, got upset and started
crying, at which point
he
let me go and picked her up to try to comfort her. The
moment when I
looked
at her and realized that even though she can’t talk
yet, she’s old
enough to
have some understanding of what she saw had to be one
of the lowest of
my
life.
From what I know of your opinions on subjects like
these, I believe you
would advise me to leave him now. As I said, I’m not
there yet, but I
also
don’t really have anywhere to go and there are some
strange logistics
involved here. We were evicted from our apartment back
in the spring
and
we’re in dire financial trouble thanks to two years’
worth of
mismanagement
and financial neglect on my husband’s part. Since the
eviction, the
three of
us have been living with his parents, G. and D. To my
knowledge, they
are
unaware of any of these incidents, since of course
they don’t happen
when
others are around. If I take the baby and leave,
they’ll know what’s
going
on. I don’t see how I can go to them and tell them
something like this
about
their son. They have always been kind to me and I
don’t have any reason
to
think they wouldn’t believe me, but…still. When my
father-in-law, G.,
suspected that his father was abusing his (G’s)
mother, he said that
she
should leave him, but how would G. feel when it’s
happening in his
house and
it’s his own son?
I’m not really comfortable telling
any of my family
members like my sister or my aunt because I know
they’d find it
impossible
to forgive M. for something like that, and I want to
have that option
reserved in case M. and I can somehow salvage our
relationship down the
road. I don’t have a clergyperson I can talk to, since
the only way I
can get
to church is to ride with my in-laws to theirs and the
pastors there
know
I’m their daughter-in-law so it could be embarrassing
for G. and D.
There’s no
chance financially of me getting a place of my own and
being able to
support
my daughter as well. (Most of the bills are in my name
and most are in
default.) My parents would do anything they could for
me but they live
in
another state and are not in very good health, so I
don’t see how they
could
take us in. Even if I could find a place to go, I
quite literally have
no
way to get there because we only have one car, which
M. uses while
working
12-to-14-hour days and which is about to be
repossessed anyway. So
getting
out would mean calling the police to take us to a
shelter, which is
only a
temporary option, or calling my parents to come get us
and take
us…where?
Or, most ludicrous of all, asking my parents-in-law to
keep him away
from me
or take the baby and me…where?
So what do I do, Sars? Whom, if anyone, do I tell?
Where, if anywhere,
should I go? Later this morning, he seemed really
remorseful and
admitted
that he’d been an asshole. I had just resolved that
maybe it was
finally
time to do something but when I heard him admit that,
I almost caved
completely. Then I remembered that this is a pattern
with abusers —
expressing remorse, regaining trust, eventually
getting violent again.
It’s
certainly been a pattern with him. Right now, I do not
believe he would
ever
harm our daughter, but then again, there was a time
when I believed
that he
would never punch or choke me and when I trusted his
assurances that he
would never hurt me. And after this morning, I think
it could be very
easy
for him to hurt our daughter unintentionally if she
gets caught in the
crossfire, as she nearly did today since she was
sitting on the floor
next
to us when this happened.
Just to throw one more complication into the mix — I
have a sneaking
feeling
my husband’s younger brother (he’s 21) may suspect
something. He was
sleeping downstairs this morning when it happened, but
we were fairly
loud,
and I know he was awake a few minutes after it
happened. I think our
row may
have been what woke him up, and I don’t know if he’ll
say something to
his
parents because of it.
Lay it on me, Sars. And I know this will sound
strange, but…please
don’t
think less of me for being weak.
Signed,
Wishing I Could Kick His Ass J.Lo-Style
Dear Then Do It Already,
I just really don’t understand why y’all bother writing to me if you’re going to spend the whole letter telling me what not to tell you to do. Do you want advice, or do you want me to wave a sparkly wand and make the problem disappear? Because I ain’t got a wand, and if you don’t want advice, I got nothing.
I sympathize with the tough spot you’re in; in fact, it’s worse than tough. It’s impossible. But you will have to make the best of it and do some very hard things to get out of it, because you have no choice, for your daughter’s sake and for your own.
Your husband hits you. Unacceptable. He did it in front of your daughter. Unacceptable. He ran up a bunch of debt and stuck you with it. Unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE. Stop accepting it. Get out of there. Pack up three days’ worth of clothing, pack up the baby’s shit, call your sister, tell her to come pick your ass up, go down to the police station, tell them what your husband did, look in the phone book for a low-cost women’s advocacy lawyer, and get a restraining order and start divorce proceedings. “But –” No. Do it. “But I –” I know. Tough. Do it.
I know you have no money, I know you have no car, I know the whole thing is a big mess and you think you’ve got nobody to help you, but you need to get over that and ask somebody to help you, you need to stop giving a shit whether it “embarrasses” your in-laws that their no-account shitbag son hits you (because, damn, it should — how did they raise him, anyway?), you need to look around and realize that you married a fuckwad but you aren’t required to compound the mistake, which many people have made before you so there’s no shame in it, by sticking around and putting up with his crazy spending habits and abuse.
People will help you. You can do this; you have to. Ask for help and do it. One step at a time, get out of that marriage. Move away, stay with friends, do whatever you have to do, but the guy is dragging you down, and every day you wait, it’s going to get worse. You’ll never have more money; he’ll never learn to behave himself; he’s not going to win the lottery or start leaving you the car or turn into a hominid. He sucks, and he’s isolated you from the world. Leave. No, now.
Dear Sars,
My husband and I were married for 19 years before he passed away three years ago. For most of our marriage we took in foster children, eventually adopting four of them. I have two boys (10 and 18) and two girls (14 and 15).
My oldest son has lived with us since he was five and turned 18 in June. Because he was held back in the first grade he is just beginning his senior year of high school. When he turned 18 we sat down and tried to work out what would be appropriate expectations for a young adult still living at home. I thought we made pretty good progress. He doesn’t have to ask my permission to go anywhere, but he does have to be home by 1 AM. He also has to go to school, do normal household chores and pay for non-essentials and his own entertainment.
Things went pretty smooth during the summer, but now my son seems bent on breaking basic family rules and arguing with me over everything. He cooks meals for himself only without cleaning up or making sure that the thawed meat wasn’t planned for a family meal. He has friends over when I’m not home and allows them to go through things in my bedroom and his siblings’ bedrooms. He has started smoking and seems shocked that I will not allow it in my car or my house, a rule he only follows if I’m around. He has been skipping school and is failing one of his classes but feels that this is none of my business. I came home early a week ago to find he and his friends there drinking beer and playing poker when they should have been at school.
Personally, I’ve had it. I love my son and I want what’s best for him, but he has turned my home into a battlefield. I’m tired of trying to reason with a kid who wants adult privileges without having any adult responsibilities. I’m tired of hearing “I’m 18 and I can do what I want whether you like it or not.” I have some friends who have offered to let him live with them for the rest of the school year, but they’re stricter than I am and he doesn’t want to do that. He wants to move into an apartment and thinks I should pay the rent since he’s still in school, but I can’t afford to do that.
I’ve been told by several people that if I were his “real” mom I would be more understanding. I’ve also been told by my pastor that I’ve spoiled him because he was adopted and now I just have to deal with it until he graduates. Is there a compromise? Should I try to find someplace else for him to live before I snap or should I just suck it up and hope it gets better between now and June?
Signed,
Drowning in guilt and anger
Dear Drowning,
“If you were his real mom, you’d be more understanding”? What the hell? First of all, I don’t know who these people are that think they can tell you your business as a parent, but they need to cram it with walnuts, and second of all, if my mom were his real mom, that kid would be “understanding” how to wax her car. Twice a day. And like it.
The bottom line here is that he lives in your house, and as a result he must abide by its rules — same as before he turned eighteen. He can follow the rules — clean up after himself, respect the privacy of the others in the house, go to school and pass his classes, and smoke outside — or he can find somewhere else to live. He doesn’t get to dictate household policy, or flout it, just because he can vote now.
The fact that he’s a foster kid complicates things for you, guilt-wise, I think, because you really don’t want it to get to a point where he forces you to kick him out and then he feels abandoned, but letting him do as he pleases isn’t really helping him, long-term, and it’s setting a bad example for (and is disruptive to) his siblings. So, sit him down. Tell him what you just told me — he’s fucking up, you’re sick of fighting him on it, and it’s gotten to a point where, if he can’t toe the line, he’ll have to leave. It’s up to him, and you won’t nag him anymore, because he’s an adult and you shouldn’t have to…but if he decides to go, you won’t subsidize his rent, because he’s an adult and you shouldn’t have to.
Tell him also that you understand that it’s hard to have some adult privileges and not others; tell him you love him and you’ll miss him if he moves out, and if he’s prepared to act right, he’s welcome back anytime. But he’s testing you, and he’s going to keep doing it until you put your foot down, and it’s a difficult situation, but…he’s made it difficult, and he’s really left you no choice. Present him with his options, tell him he’s old enough to decide for himself how this is going to go, and take it from there.
Hey Sars —
I am having boy issues, surprising I know. Two months ago I hooked up with this boy at one of my best friends’ wedding. He was the brother of this boy that had showed an interest in me but never really pursued anything. I was never interested in the brother so it wasn’t a concern of mine.
Anyway — I have been hanging with this boy for a while now. He is super-cute, fun, relatively smart and thoughtful. We are encountering a slight sex issue. He has a problem maintaining an erection for very long. It is a drag and I am not sure what to do about it. It is clear he is way more into me than I am into him. I feel like if he didn’t have this problem I would continue dating him…but he does and I am not sure what to do.
The last relationship I was in the guy had this same “quick” problem. Is it me? What kind of luck do I have? It is horrible from where I stand.
What do you think? Keep dating him and hope that he pulls it together? Or move on?
The Girl That Keeps Getting Stuck With Quickies
Dear Stuck,
Okay, which kind of “problem maintaining” do you mean — he can’t stay hard, or he can’t hold back? I get the feeling you mean the second kind, which — well, just try to slow things down. Get on top and control the pace from there, or ask him to stop for a few seconds while you make an (imaginary) adjustment to your positioning. And if none of that works, don’t get all judgmental about it. It’s not always a two-hour show, and as long as he’s not zonking out afterwards and leaving you unsatisfied — in which case you should speak up, because he can’t read your mind — it’s not that big a deal.
If it’s the first kind, it’s probably performance anxiety, so again, just try to work with it and don’t make a federal case out of it; it happens.
Either way, if he’s “way more” into you, maybe you should find someone else instead of sleeping with this guy out of pity.
All right, this is a bit of an odd question for The Vine, but I wanted your
opinion on something, as you seem pretty sensible. Here goes. Body hair.
Don’t laugh. Okay, you can laugh. Specifically, how important is it for a
girl to shave? I’m the sort of person who — well, I don’t wear makeup or
dress up, and, no, I don’t shave. It’s not so much a statement of feminism
as the fact that I’m a) lazy and b) hardly ever wear anything where anyone’s
going to see my legs/underarms anyway.
This has never been a problem before. My friends are cool people and
regardless of their own fashion choices, don’t give me any crap about mine.
I’ve lucked out and not ended up with guys who think hairlessness is a
necessity, probably because by the time we get to the stage where they’re
likely to see non-public areas, they’re cool with my, er, style or lack
thereof. And really, if someone’s going to bitch about my unshaven legs, I
can take them somewhere else. Their loss.
However, I recently moved away from home to go to school and am now living
in a dorm situation. This means that people I don’t know very well have
seen, and noted, the fact that I do not shave (like when I’m walking around
in a towel). I have very fair skin and black hair, so it’s not like it’s a
delicate dusting of barely noticeable blonde wisps, either. Now, on hearing
that there were some people making unkind comments about this, my instinct
was to blow it off. But the way they were commenting made it sound like a
hygiene issue. While I don’t mind being low-maintenance and thought of in
that way, I really don’t want to be thought of as a nasty, unclean person.
And the thing is, where I’m living now is a lot warmer than where I was
before, so it’s likely that I’m going to want to wear shorts and a t-shirt
in public, and I hate the fact that I’m going to have to go through a really
annoying ritual just to look “acceptable” when guys don’t have to. (Okay, I
know I said it wasn’t a feminism thing.)
So…okay, in your opinion, is shaving more like wearing deodorant, as in,
most people think this is something a person, regardless of gender, really
should do if she doesn’t want to be labeled uncouth? Or is it more like
makeup, in that while some extremely snobby people might think it’s a sign
of poor breeding not to do it, most people don’t give a flying fig?
And what do you think I should do? Shave at all times to spare my delicate
dorm-mates the horror? Shave if I’ll be wearing clothes where the public
will tell if I don’t? Or shrug it all off and embrace my inner gorilla once
more?
Razor-phobic
Dear Phobic,
If you don’t feel like shaving, don’t. If it makes you self-conscious to go natural, try shaving, and then, if you think it’s a waste of time, don’t do it again. It’s not a sign of poor hygiene. It’s not really a sign of anything except that you don’t shave, and nobody worth a damn gives a damn. Seriously. It’s just body hair. Your dorm-mates will have to cope, and if they can’t, they need to find hobbies, because whatever.
Tags: boys (and girls) kids sex the fam
