The Vine: March 30, 2011
My partner and I are planning to get married next year. But the fact is, we both hate wearing jewelry, and neither of us wants to wear a ring for the rest of our lives. We’re not worried about what other people will say about our choice — we’re grownups, we can deal with that — but we’re wondering what we should do symbolically during the ceremony.
Rings are so central to the popular idea of marriage that it’s hard to imagine one without them. When I think about the practices of other cultures, it seems that just about all of them have adopted the exchange of rings.
So we are asking for ideas. Have any of your readers seen a non-ring wedding? How did it go? We also welcome original ideas. (This will be a completely secular wedding, by the way.)
Loves the man, hates the jewelry
PS I did go to a Wiccan hand-fasting once, which was a lovely ceremony with wonderful people, but the rope-binding did rather bring bondage to mind.
Dear Loves,
HIGH FIVES! YEAHHHHHH!
N…o?
Hee. Okay, first of all, congratulations! Second of all, if you have enough booze and good food at the reception, most people won’t even remember what you do about rings, so if what you decided to do is nothing, and you skip them entirely, trust your own judgment and don’t worry too much about it.
With that said, it sounds to me like, although you don’t care to wear rings in your everyday lives, you don’t have any specific objection to doing something with the ritual during the ceremony — and it is a nice ritual, significant and official, and people like to ooh and cry and take pictures during it. So, if you just don’t want the rings afterwards, maybe try to find a ring in the style of the wish bracelets with the tiny charms on them; after a few days or a week, the twine of the bracelet erodes and falls off, and that’s when your wish goes out into the world. Or something?
You can see an example here; a lot of the ones you might find by Googling can get preeeeetty Smurfy with the copy and the bitty little hearts and whatnot, but you can skip the charm part, or customize it whichever way so that you have little items to put on each other’s fingers but you don’t have to keep it forever. You could make your own with embroidery floss. (Hell, I’ll send it to you.)
Or go with the high-five idea. Make the whole congregation do it. Why not? If you’re psyched about it, the guests will get psyched about it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette
Oh man, I’ve hung around on too many wedding boards, because I realized immediately that you’re just looking for a ceremony ritual, of which there are gazillions. Some popular ones (right now, at least) seem to be lighting unity candles, mixing colored sand together (“sand ceremony”), mixing two different spices (like salt & pepper) into a common dispenser of some kind, pouring different wines into a common decanter (like red & white to get a blush), etc.
So just start googling or checking out various wedding forums. You’re looking for ceremony rituals, in general. It seems like a lot of ceremonies these days (I’ve been to about a dozen weddings in the last two years) incorporate at least a couple of these, though they do usually also include an exchange of rings as the primary ritual.
“With this high-five, I thee wed. With this low-five, I thee worship, and with all my promises not to leave you hanging, I thee endow.”
I’m kind of loving the high five idea.
My husband I opted out of wedding rings as well. We stated before the ceremony to the officiant that rings weren’t involved, so that part was just … skipped.
Loves- my husband and I went ringless for the exact same reason; we weren’t going to wear them, so why waste the money? Though my lifelong minister said he had never officiated a ringless wedding, he was on board- so we just did the candle-lighting thing, which is so often included in ring weddings as well. Each of us had a candle that we used to light a bigger candle at the same time, signifying the beginning of our life together blah blah blah. We had no wedding party, but I think it would be easy to involve other people and make the candle thing a little more ceremonial if you wanted- have your parents or a friend light your individual candles for you and hand them to you or something. You could even write little vows for the process if you wanted! Very little of the ceremony is dictated anywhere- so as long as your officiant is okay with it, find something that seems more like the two of you than some jewelry.
(But if you go for high-fives, please share the video, because that would be AWESOME)
I was Best Lady in a friend’s wedding last spring. They wear wedding rings, but didn’t do anything ring-related during the ceremony (or any other sort of unity candle, sand pouring, hand bondage, rock passing, etc), and I am pretty sure that no one noticed the lack of any of it. I only noticed because I was kind of disappointed to lose the role of official ring-hander-overer.
So if you’re worried that you NEED some sort of uniting ritual, and that it won’t be a real wedding without it, don’t worry about it. If you are sincerely looking for something meaningful for you and your partner, there are all sorts of things that I’m sure other people will describe with a bit more gravity than I.
As for my friends’ wedding, I held their rings in the pocket of my dress during the ceremony, and when we were out shaking hands and hugging people, I handed the jewelry off, they put their own rings on with no ritual, and then we all went off into a field with animal masks and took amazing wedding party pictures.
I assume if you were going to get tattoos instead of rings, you would have said so, but I had a friend who got a tattooed ring along with her husband, and during the ceremony, they had little ribbons tied around their fingers that they untied to reveal the tats. It was pretty cool. You could do something similar. Something in between that and the hand fasting. Or .. you could get totally cheap, cheesy plastic costume rings from Claires or something. Or ring pops!
Friends of mine had wedding ring tattoos. If I remember right, theirs were just a row of triangles where you’d usually wear a ring. For the ceremony itself you could each light a candle when you make your vows, and then use those candles to light a candle together, symbolizing your union.
What about exchanging some other symbolic gift thingy like maybe a watch or similar? What other things symbolize you two as a couple?
I love the high five idea! I’ve seen unity candle lighting several times always thought it was lovely. The symbolism is very nice, and it seems like a manageable task even if you’re jittery being up in front of people. Plus, then you could take the candles home and have dinner by candlelight for a few weeks!
Re: unity sand. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding recently with unity sand, and there was some kind of problem with the vessels the sand was being poured from, so not all of it came out and the bride and groom had to shake them and wack at them and such. (I was working hard to reign in the giggles–it was a long ceremony.) And I guess for myself I just wouldn’t want to then have to cart around a carafe of meaningful sand for the end of my days, but if you decide to go the sand route, maybe a practice sand-pouring session would be wise.
Good luck, and congratulations!
If you’re looking for other unity ceremonies, check out the the Offbeat Bride (and the Offbeat Bride Tribe, which is the social network associated with same.) There are TONS of ideas out there.
If you’re sciencey minded, you could do a riff on the sand ceremony: you each pour a clear liquid into a third container, and it turns pink. It’s been too long since high school chemistry to remember exactly why, but I think one is a basic solution, and the other is phenolphthalein? Which indicates bases by turning pink? Who knows. But yeah. I thought that one was neat.
My husband and I got married last fall, and we did a sort of tea ceremony — at one point we put some loose tea in a thingie, and then poured hot water over it. Then a reading or two later, we shared the tea as our celebrant said something clever about our marriage being steeped in love.
If you have an interesting celebrant, they’ll have lots of ideas too.
Oooh, there’s also the pueblo wedding vase tradition. I thought that one was neat, too. And there’s a viking tradition where the bride gives the groom a sword, and he gives her a key? I think? There’s a German tradition where the bride and groom saw a log together. And then there’s the German drinking cup, which is also awesome.
I’ve seen stories of welders who welded something during the ceremony, and couples who had their ring tattoos finished during the ceremony. Beer sharing ceremonies, wine sharing ceremonies. Find something personal to you both, and build something around that.
But so yes, there are many unity ceremonies, some ancient and steeped in tradition, some just made up yesterday. Do what you like! It’s your wedding, man!
Ooh! Do it David Caruso style. This will require you get married on a boat.
Right after the vows, the captain (who is also the officiant, presumably) will announce. “Ladies and Gentleman, since the start of this ceremony one hour ago, we have traveled one nautical mile. While it’s the length of the journey and not the speed of the start that determines the success of a marriage, if this were a race we could say Ms. and Mr Loves have just… tied the knot.”
/puts on sunglasses/
“Yeaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
Too complicated?
If you like the idea/symbolism behind a ring exchange, then I’d be inclined to get simple, inexpensive sterling (or whatever) bands, and just not wear them after the ceremony. They’ll be a nice little memento that maybe you can pull out 10 or twenty years from now if you do an anniversary vow renewal or something.
I’d go the candle-lighting route — offers the same romanticism without the accessories. And if you want the memento, you could get a cool candleholder for the unity candle that you could keep afterward.
Oh my god: “This Jager symbolizes my life, as it is blended together with your Red Bull energy, so that we both may drink of our lives together.”
Hate it, HATE it when I find the perfect wedding things for me and my boyfriend, because we’re…not engaged. Argh.
I think you could just do the vows and skip the language involving the exchange of rings and be just fine.
If there are people in your lives who are significant to your relationship in some way, maybe you would be able to borrow rings for the ceremony. A little unorthodox, but it could be meaningful if you had the right people in your lives. And you could cover your something borrowed base.
@Jo – ring pops! And then you feed them to each other like you would the cake.
You don’t sound anti-tradition so much as anti-jewelry-wearing, so I wouldn’t rule out doing the ring exchange. But after the ceremony, you could just put them in a shadowbox frame and hang them in your house. Something like this: http://tinyurl.com/4resppy
You could look for simple, inexpensive bands, or something cool on Etsy, or rings that are meaningful to you for some other reason – claddagh rings, or a replica of The One Ring if you’re a big nerd like me.
I also like Sarah’s wish bracelet idea.
Branding.
As in, hot irons with your initials on them.
On the butt.
The idea being, now you’ll be so embarassed at the thought of anyone else seeing you naked that you’ll HAVE to stay together… ;)
How about exchanging antque keys? It’s kind of twee (keys to each others hearts), but you could get them engraved with your wedding date and they’d be a nice memento to have of the day. It’s also something you could keep with you as well without a big hassle.
@MsMolly – I want to get married just so I can do that! Haha!
I love the booze idea. Do vermouth and gin, and have the officiant shake you a martini!
We got married in late October. Our rings were not ready in time for the casual ceremony (long story), so we pulled out the plastic spider rings. Our friend, the officiant, said something about the rings being a symbol of the symbol of blah, blah, blah. The great thing was that if we lost the ring during the festivities, we could just grab another out of the bag.
My husband and I did exchange rings, though he only wears them about one day in seven (He had it sized a size too big and now he’s scared it will fall off. Men)
We talked about doing the candle thing as part of the ceremony but it was more or less vetoed (in the nicest possible way) by our celebrant as we had the ceremony outside. Even the stillest day can have a gust and wipe out your candle which kinda kills the symbolism. Instead we went with the glass crush, as my husband is nominally Jewish. For those here in New Zealand it’s pretty rare and therefore memorable.
In summary: Candles good for symbolism, but not if your ceremony gets blown around.
I LOVE Amanda’s idea of borrowing wedding rings for the ceremony from people who are significant to you. Ideal would be from an long-married couple who are important to you guys in some way (parents, grandparents?) but it really wouldn’t matter as long as they meant something to you. And as long as they agree to lend you the rings for the ceremony. That’s kind of an important part.
All I have to say is that, if I ever get married, I want the Nation to collectively plan my wedding.
I and my husband wear our rings but hated the idea of spending a crapload on overpriced Jared’s crap. So, we went the antique route! Mine is a lovely wedding ring from the thirties, and his is one from the fifties. (This also helped fill the “something old” bit for me.) So if you want rings to keep, but not wear every day, you might consider antiques and then go with the shadowbox idea.
I’m the letter writer, and I want to thank all of you for your awesome ideas. I am already trying to talk my love into going for the high fives. And what the heck does symbolize us as a couple? That will be fodder for debate for months.
Thanks again!
Ooh, ooh! Ring tattoos on the appropriate fingers. Cover it up with a wide flesh-colored band (could just be a bandaid, really) before the ceremony and then *remove* those bands (to reveal the tats) when a standard wedding would be putting on the rings.
…Come on, that’s a great idea for SOMEone reading this.
Well if you do go the High Five option, just remember this is not the time to break out the “down low…too slow” variant
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_five
Although we did rings at our ceremony, we did something a little different as part of the ceremony. Instead of traditional bridal flowers I had leis made with white flowers. There were a variety of flowers. When I walked towards my husband the leis were draped over my hands and in my arms and it looked like a bouquet. After we had spoken the parts we had written for each other, I let the flower drop down to hang from my hands and we then each put a lei of flowers on the other. It was kind of fun and I have never seen it done.
The joke was also that we got lei-ed at the wedding.
My friends DID high-five each other during their ceremony. It. Was. Awesome. (As mentioned above, they did NOT do the “down low-too slow” variation.) They had rings too, but no one remembers that part of the wedding.
I would really love to hear an officiant intone, “Ladies and gentlemen, with the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may TEN UP TOP.”
We skipped the rings in the ceremony as well. We were on a tight budget and figured there was no reason to spend even a little bit of money on something that would be exchanged only for the purposes of fulfilling other people’s expectations. We had a short ceremony with a couple of nice readings and some really meaningful, personal vows and guess what? No one even seemed to notice the lack of a ring exchange. Everyone was so wrapped up in the day and happy for us, I’m not sure it even registered. And the ceremony definitely felt complete without it. No one has really bothered us about it after the fact, either. (Neither of our sets of parents wear wedding rings, so that helps.) My lack of an engagement ring was somehow much more controversial. (“He didn’t buy you a diamond ring? How do you know he loves you?! Uh, maybe because he listened when I said I didn’t want a ring?)
My partner and I had already exchanged rings in our courthouse ceremony (in a state where we can legally be married), so we didn’t want to do it again when we had our “big party” ceremony (in a state where we can’t legally be married, bah). Instead, we crowned each other with little crowns of greenery. Kind of corny, but it went with the harvest festival theme of our ceremony and still filled in the “exchanging something” part of the ceremony that people like to take pictures of. It made all of our pictures looks very Dionysian!
@Scarlettb – You are a delight!
My grandpa remarried ten years ago, and his new wife is allergic to all metals, so wearing rings wasn’t an option. They met on a ski trip, so they exchanged ski poles instead. (I think exchanging some significant gift like that instead of rings is a really cute idea.)
I don’t really have anything to add, but I wanted to point out how ironic it was that the advertisement on the right while I was reading this was for diamond rings. It even says “you deseve the ring of your dreams.”
The high five would be pretty awesome.
If you like the idea of the ring ritual itself, but don’t (obviously) want to be stuck with the rings forever after, you could enact the ritual using some kind of disposable ring, according to your own tastes.
Folks above have suggested things like Ring Pops (…awesome) or plastic spider rings (personally: *shudder*), and really, anything could work so long as WHAT you are doing and what you are doing it WITH seems cool to both of you. (Like, if you both feel like the Ring Pops idea is hilariously wonderful and is going to make you feel good and feel fun in the moment, that’s the most important thing, right?)
Other options that come to mind are things like: temporary rings created via origami out of pieces of paper that have something meaningful written on them; or braided out of ribbon or something like that; heck, instead of slipping a ring on each other’s finger during that part of the ceremony, you could each tie a string on the other’s finger (I am thinking here of the old symbolism of a piece of string tied around a finger standing for something that you want to remember — and you both want to remember your vows to each other, right?).
I also like options mentioned above: use a “ring”, just not one sized to a finger, but rather, something bigger, like a wreath that you put on each other’s head, or a lei-like thing that goes around both your necks. That still gives you the opportunity to go through the “with this (thing) I thee wed” formula, while having it consist of something more obviously meant to be ephemeral.
(And just in case you feel a little weird about using a lei if you don’t have any connection to Hawaiian culture, you aren’t getting married in Hawaii, and it’s not a theme of your wedding: flower-garlands aren’t exclusive to Hawaii. You might have to make some effort to have a garland made that didn’t look like a lei, or like a Hindu wedding garland, but it’s certainly possible. Depending on your own cultural heritages — if you care about that at all, that is — you can almost certainly find some history of folk celebrations that use flower wreaths/crowns/garlands. I would think the key would be to have the garland made out of flowers native to where you live, rather than out of the tropical varieties usually used for leis and so on.)
What about a Romeo and Juliet sort of moment? You know, “Palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.” Not as fun as high fives, perhaps, but symbolic and rather sweet. (Ignoring the ultimate fates of R & J, of course!)
We had rings, but we also exchanged engraved flasks with our favorite alcoholic drinks (Calvados in mine, Single malt Scotch in his) in them at another point in the ceremony. We’re not huge drinkers (in fact, the sip then was the only alcohol I had during the whole day), but let me tell you our nerves were much calmer after that. We display the flasks on a bookshelf when we’re not using them.
I got mine somewhere off the internet where they make a silk garter with a pocket and the flask all together. If I wasn’t so much of a wuss, I totally would have hiked my dress up and pulled his flask out of that, but as it was, our besties held them for us.
Omigod, I now desperately want to attend a wedding where Ring Pops are exchanged!
@HollyH – Onion rings! ala the Simpsons
If you’re not opposed to the idea/tradition but just don’t want to wear the rings constantly… There’s nothing that says you have to wear them every day. You could always buy rings you like but that you only wear for special, dress-up occasions. Lots of people who have jobs where they work with their hands and fear damaging their rings in the course of everyday life just save their rings for holidays, going out together to nice places, weddings, family pictures, and the like. Can be a nice memento and heirloom to pass on to kids eventually too, if you have a family later.
Some friends of friends of mine recently got married with a mixing of ceremonial hot chocolate. It had cocoa and a bunch of various tasty spices in it and they quaffed together and it was very sweet.
I’ve been married more than once (unlucky in love, or something…)
First time (very young) everybody thought the ring exchange was some kind of moment of silence because nobody talked about the rings (we had our parents doing readings and stuff) and we forgot to take into account the giant floral arrangement blocking the view of our hands.
Second time (rebound guy) we did rings but we didn’t make it a huge deal. The real deal was “jumping the broom” (google it). And African-American tradition that made for a lot of fun and good photo ops. (Mixed-race marriage, but I don’t think anybody would mind if you swiped it and aren’t of African descent.)
Third time (might even last) we didn’t do rings. Because, well… third time.
You may think twice about using any of my advice, given my history ;)
Congratulations. The rings definitely don’t define the marriage.
Well, I am going to have to make hubster renew our vows for our 10-yr anniversary in 2.5 years, so that we can use all of these ideas.
I had an old fashioned Celtic polytheist wedding and we exchanged keys (symbols of being in each others households).
@bronte: You were right not to try lighting a unity candle at an outdoor wedding. My husband’s sister tried doing that, and it was a nightmare because there was a pretty good breeze blowing. They had trouble lighting the individual candles at all, then trying to keep them lit long enough to light the unity candle was another challenge.
They had the foresight to keep the unity candle inside a glass hurricane lamp shell so it stayed lit for the rest of the ceremony…until the bride and groom turned around to head back down the aisle and one of them knocked it over. The candle went out in the fall, and the glass shattered, leading a friend in the crowd to shout “Mazeltov!” It was both the highlight of the ceremony and a lasting symbol of the trainwreck their marriage became.