The Vine: March 31, 2004
Hi Sars,
Thanks for doing what you do and keeping me laughing at work. I have a
particular pet peeve about the word “entitled.” My dad pointed it out to
me years and years ago, and it’s bugged the hell out of me ever since.
Lately I’ve started thinking that perhaps it’s seeped into common usage
enough to actually be correct. While this would really piss me the hell
off, it also means I should probably stop bitching at people for doing it.
All that said, here’s the peeve. The word “entitled” is used all over the
place instead of the word “titled.” As in, “the book entitled ‘Tigana’ is
a good read.” I maintain that using “entitled” in this instance is
incorrect, and only the word “titled” should be used. “Entitled” should be
used to refer to people with regards to objects or services or whatever
they are seeking or claiming. As in, “I’m entitled to that extra day
off, damnit!” A book or song or movie cannot be entitled to anything,
therefore it can only be titled, as in having a title.
Am I crazy?
Should I just suck it up and ignore it, since everyone from news media
to kindergarten children seem to be using “entitled” to refer to titles?
Can you just clear this one up for me?
Thanks,
Entitled Enmity
Dear En Squared,
It sounds like yet another hypercorrection that people use to sound smarter. Does it backfire?
The 11C lists the first definition of “entitle” as “to give a title to : DESIGNATE.” So, strictly speaking, using the past participle to refer to a title is not incorrect.
Garner, however, remarks that the “to provide with the right or claim to something” definition of “entitle” is more common, and is preferred as a transitive verb. In other words, “What do you plan to title your book?” is better than “What do you plan to entitle your book?”
Short answer: Using “entitled” in that context is not incorrect; nor is it preferred.
Hi,
I think that your advice to my situation will
be to butt out, but I’m hoping you can help me with a way to do so without
being rude.
Having just moved to a new city all by myself, I am not particularly
enjoying the ritual of trying to build a whole social network out of, well,
nothing. Fortunately, my program is pretty small, which means that people
go out of their way to be friendly and try and at least chat with everyone
else, giving me a chance to display my dazzling wit and charming
personality. So far, so good. Among the people I’ve particularly gotten a
warm vibe from is a girl, “G,” who is friendly, fun, interesting, makes an
effort to hang out, and is generally a good time to be around. Which is
great.
One problem, though. Also in our program is a boy, “B,” who’s also
good people. Both B and G have long-term significant others who are a
couple thousand miles away. When B and G and I hang out, there is some
mild flirtation that goes on, I guess primarily between the two of them. It
hasn’t bothered me that much, because I assumed that everything was
copacetic with the respective girlfriend and boyfriend. However, in
talking to G, she keeps making comments about how when she gets drunk, she
gets really “silly,” especially towards B. Which, I guess, means flirty in
her world. So she’ll tell me things about IM conversations she’s having
with him and complain about how flirty she’s being, and how she hopes his
girlfriend doesn’t hate her. And how he’s hoping he doesn’t hook up with
anyone here.
I’m just not sure how to respond to these comments. I mean, these are
their lives. If they want to flirt, fine. If they hook up, well, I’m not
dating either of them. That’s fine too, and while I have moral qualms
about that, I’m certainly not going to impose those on them; they’re big
kids and they can make decisions for themselves. My problem is that I feel
like she’s digging for me to say something — maybe “Yeah, he’s really
flirting back with you. I think he digs you” or “Gosh, G, that’s horrible
that you would even think of flirting with him. Shame on you.” And I
don’t want to say either of those, but I’m getting bored doing an
uncomfortable laugh or downright ignoring whole parts of our
conversations. Is there a polite way to let her know that I really don’t
care about their budding (non-)relationship?
Thanks,
New City, Old Dilemmas
Dear New,
Well, you could (nicely) repeat your last paragraph to G, I guess. “Look, I don’t really know what you want me to say, here, and to tell you the truth I don’t think it’s my place to say anything at all, so…?”
Or you could ask her directly where she sees the flirtation going, and if she’s all protesting, “Nowhere! I have a boyfriend!” you might point out that, in that case, she kind of brings it up a lot, and you don’t judge her if she has a crush on B, but…?
As for telling her you just straight-up don’t care, no, there isn’t really a polite way to let her know that; the best strategy, really, is probably to grunt “uh huh…so anyway,” and change the subject. But you might point out gently that you don’t want to seem unsupportive, but you don’t quite see how she expects you to respond, and if she wants validation, or for you to talk her out of crushing on B, she should make that explicit.
Hey Sars —
I’m a sophomore in college. Last year I went to school out of state,
and I was pretty miserable. I talked to some people about it and they
all suggested that I transfer to a school closer to home. My friend T
suggested her school, and since I had heard good things about it from
many other people as well, I decided to go there.
A little backstory on T: We were pretty much best friends in high
school, until we got into a huge fight senior year over something
incredibly stupid and didn’t speak for a good long while. We have a
lot of quirky things in common, and we just clicked from the time we
met.
At the middle of last semester, I wasn’t insanely thrilled with this
school, but I was having a great time with T. We understand each other
completely, and I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her
as my best friend and I would never get bored.
So finally, we get to the problem. T wants to transfer next year,
because she has finally decided on a major and this school doesn’t have
it. She asked me last semester if I wanted to move with her, and I
said yes because I had no other friends here, and she was basically my
sole reason for getting out of bed in the morning. The new school is
three hours from home and we’d have to get an apartment. I don’t mind
that stuff though, since, like I said, I could happily spend the rest
of my life in this friendship, and the new school has a better version
of my major anyway.
The problems are that (a) my parents are very, very against me
transferring again, (b) I’m starting to make other friends here and I
don’t just want to pick up and leave, and (c) T is very anti-social,
and hanging with her usually causes me to be the same way so that we
end up sitting around talking about how we have no friends. I’ve
joined a club on campus and I’m running for office — things that she
knows — but she keeps pestering me to apply and I just don’t know how to
tell her that I’m having second thoughts.
I honestly would do just about anything for her, and I don’t want to
lose her over this. But at the same time, I’m so afraid of moving
there and just being miserable or getting into another fight that lasts
a year when I’m making friends and a whole other life here. As it
stands right now, I will hem and haw and not do anything until
something (like an application deadline, or T taking away all of my
flimsy excuses) makes the decision for me. I need to take a stand for
once, but I don’t know how to tell her that I want to stay here without
destroying our friendship or getting guilted into moving. (Or, worst
case scenario: both.)
What I really want is for us both to stay here, because I love her and
she’s my best friend and nobody else really gets me like she does. But
she wants to leave. I thought I wanted to leave too, but now I’m
making friends and things are getting good. I need to tell her that I
want to stay here, but I don’t know how to have this conversation. How
can I tell her that I can’t be her roommate without losing her forever?
Thanks so much,
Living in a Bad Teen Movie
Dear Bad Teen,
I don’t know if you can; if T elects to take it personally and end the friendship, it’s her decision. But you can tell her that you have doubts, and you should tell her exactly what you just told me — you adore her, and you don’t want to make her feel bad or piss her off, but you’ve started to feel settled here, and you don’t want to leave.
And you really shouldn’t leave, especially not if it’s because she takes you on a guilt trip. It’s time to stop following T and start expanding your circle on your own, and you’ve made some progress in doing that; if you pull up stakes to go with her, you’ll just resent it, and to tell you the truth it would come off a little creepy.
So, tell her, and soon, because she’ll need to make other arrangements and you don’t want to leave her in the lurch with those. But if you don’t want to go with her, you don’t, and either she’s going to understand that that’s life or she’s not, but postponing the conversation isn’t going to help.
Hi Sars,
I have a problem (why else would I be writing, right?). The problem is this — I live with my best friend. We get along wonderfully well most of the time since we have more of a sisterly relationship than most roommates. The problem is that she dislikes my boyfriend, who lives out of state and comes to visit me maybe one weekend a month.
His mere presence in our admittedly small apartment drives her crazy. We don’t spend much time at home when he’s here, but eventually we have to come back to the apartment for normal activities such as sleeping, eating, showering, et cetera. She claims that when she first met him, he didn’t talk to her at all, and that possibly is true since at the time he worked crazy hours and by the time he drove up to see me, he was exhausted and not really in the mood to have a deep conversation with her. She brought this up with me and we talked about it, ad nauseam. I called my boyfriend and made him aware of the problem. I thought things were getting better, but she again brings the subject up with me that he doesn’t talk to her and that makes her uncomfortable. She has said things like “he’s not interested in anything about me” and “this is my house and I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my house” (emphasis on MY — although we pay the exact same amount in rent).
Now she only wants him to come up and visit me when she is out of town. I think this is getting out of hand. My boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with her, he actually really likes her. He’s a shy person (which she says she doesn’t buy) and I think all of the initial miscommunication had made him wary of wanting to talk to her for fear he might piss her off. None of my other friends have this problem with him, in fact, some of them have even told her how pleasant and nice he is. Part of me thinks she might be a teeny bit jealous since she is sans boyfriend and generally on the weekends, we do lots of stuff together, after all we are best friends.
Should I just appease her and only have him come up when she is out of town? It’s not like we are going to live together forever and ever. I think it is ridiculous that she won’t even bring the subject up with him and constantly puts me in the middle of this whole thing, while assuring me that this has nothing to do with me and that it is all about him. I am starting to lose it because I know I will be friends with her for the rest of my life and I really don’t see an end to my relationship with my boyfriend and eventually there will come a time when this will all explode.
Please, any advice would be welcome.
Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck,
Looks like it’s a theme day in The Vine…tell her what you just told me. “My boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with you. He actually really likes you. Regardless, if you have issues with him, you need to work them out with him, because I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” And the whole waiting-until-she’s-out-of-town thing? No. You pay exactly what she pays in rent; she doesn’t get to dictate his visiting schedule, particularly not if she’s the only one who has a bug up her ass about the situation.
If it’s really about something else — she thinks he’s around too much, he’s leaving pubes on the soap, you don’t pay attention to her when he’s there — she needs to say so, and then the two of you can work it out. But if she just doesn’t like him, and it’s allegedly because he didn’t like her first? Whatever. Either she can work through it with him or she can suck it up. This isn’t the seventh grade.
Sars,
Backstory: I met a guy online, dated him, moved in with him,
things got messy. My friends convinced me to leave, but after a
few months I started dating him again. The break helped us
resolve the messiness, though. And yet (cheesy as it sounds)
I’ve grown as a person in the months since then and I’m starting
to think he’s really not right for me, while he’s starting to
talk marriage and “my mom wants grandchildren.” (I’m only 20.)
Much as I don’t want to, it’s probably time for me to go.
So what’s the problem? Well, we’re living together, and as he
has a rough time juggling school and work, I agreed to support
us this semester while he took classes full-time. I don’t want
to leave him in the lurch, so I don’t want to break up before
the end of the semester. However, after that, the lease is up,
and he was counting on me being able to cosign with him on a new
place, which I don’t want to do. Is there any way to hint that
he needs to start getting his finances together on his own
without saying, “Heads up, I’m leaving in June”? Or should I be
honest now instead of stringing him along?
Sincerely,
Guilty Girlfriend
Dear GG,
Well, you’ve got two factors here — the Let’s Get It Over With Factor, and the But We’ll Still Have To Live Together factor. Needless to say, these factors compete with each other.
The thing is, though, if you don’t plan to live with him any more, he needs to know that so he can figure something else out, so you’ll have to grit your teeth, sit him down, and tell him that you don’t want to live together anymore — and a break-up is probably going to proceed from that, because no matter how gently you put it, it’s going to come out as “I need some space,” which, yeah.
Ideally, you can find some way to leave things with your not living together, instead of splitting up on the spot, but if you can’t, it might get semi-ugly between the discussion and the ending of the lease. Alas, you can’t just spring it on him while you pack to move out. I mean, you can, but then he’s going to write to The Vine about you and I’ll have to agree with him that you suck. I know it’s agony, but tell him now and have done with it.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar roommates
