I’m getting married in about nine months (which is great!), and I have a sticky question about wedding guest etiquette. Unfortunately, the question also involves some screwy family politics.

My older brother is mentally ill, and has traditionally hated my guts. This requires some more information — three years ago, after a couple of years of fighting, he manipulated me into a bet about the whereabouts of my father, for $50. I did not pay (because I honestly didn’t think he was serious — in my family, we do quarter bets), and he blew up, called me a welsher, some other unflattering terms, my mother kicked him out, he threatened suicide and checked himself into a hospital because he was afraid that he would harm someone. Probably meaning me.

Three years later, he’s still bringing up the $50 to my mother — they just recently started speaking with each other again. Apparently, the suicidal ideation is under control, and he has good days and bad days. In my ideal world, he would be the older brother that used to play with me. I don’t think that he’s ever going to be that again — but I would like some sort of reconciliation. I’m afraid that if I don’t invite him to my wedding, that the rift will be very very permanent. If I do…I just don’t know how he would react. He’s said that if I paid him the $50, then he might talk to me. Which…I don’t know about that. I kinda still feel both used and guilty about the entire situation. He’s also said that he thinks that I want to invite him because it’ll make me look magnanimous, having my troubled older brother in attendance.

Do you have any ideas how I might at some point talk with him again, without suffering on either part? I’d like to reconcile, but I really don’t want to go through another bout of recrimination.

Thanks —
A whole mess of confusion

A little more than a year ago, I went to the wedding of a college
friend who’s a couple of years older than I am. We had been very close
when we were in school together but had lost touch a bit in the year
since she graduated. I still considered her an important person in my
life, and I was thrilled to get the wedding invite. (It was also my
first wedding. Which I’m sure will become apparent soon.)

At the time, I was living out of state for an internship, and I was
kind of out of the wedding loop — i.e. I didn’t find out where she
and her now-husband were registered until a few days before I flew out
for the wedding. What I wanted to get them wasn’t available online,
and it would have been tricky to take on the plane even if I’d been
able to find it in-store in time. As a side issue, I also wasn’t
making any money then, and part of me wanted to wait until I could
spend more on something nicer. So I showed up at the wedding
gift-less, got them a card, and promised my friend I’d mail the gift.
(I’m sure that in itself was bad etiquette, but…again, first
wedding, and it’s sort of beside the point now anyway.) She and her
husband were moving after the honeymoon, and she promised to email me
her new address.

So she moved. Then I moved. Then she changed her e-mail address. Then
I changed mine. Then she moved. Then I moved. Then, finally, we were
living within a half-hour of each other, but when we would see each
other, it would be sort of a surprise. We tried to set up coffee
dates, but she had some health problems that put her out of commission
for a while, and when she was healthy again, she was working overtime
at a new job to make up for the time she’d missed. We finally got in
touch this spring, and she invited me to see her husband’s band play
— but it was the night of my graduation. I left town two days later,
and we haven’t talked since. I still don’t have her address, though
I’ve requested it a few times by phone and email (and even Friendster
— oh, the shame).

I now live cross-country again. The wedding gift (yes, I did actually
buy one) is still sitting in my closet. A year and five months after
the wedding.

Now, one of her best friends — also a friend of mine — is moving in
with her. And, through that friend, I could finally get the elusive
address.

So, which is less lame: sending the gift a year and a half after the
fact, or letting it sit in my closet and pretending the whole thing
never happened?

Bad At Weddings

Love your site and advice. I have a boy problem. Nothing major, I’ve just been out of it for so long that I have no idea what to do. First, a little background, in the past four years, I lost my father, mother and grandmother to cancer. I’ve been grieving during all this time so I did not pay any attention to boys or to dating at all. Even before the losses, I hadn’t really dated for a couple of years because I was focused on a career switch. During my grieving period, I just surrounded myself with family and supportive girl friends and focused on my career. So really, I’ve been out of the dating scene for six years! I know, pathetic.

Now I’m finally coming out of my grief and noticing guys. A couple of months ago, I noticed a colleague in my office that I never really noticed before. He is totally hot, seems nice and is very intelligent. The thing is, I don’t really know him (other than from a distance and only professionally) and haven’t had any opportunities to get to know him personally. We work in different departments and sit on opposite sides of the building. When I’ve come across him in hallways or in the office parking lot, I can’t help but check him out and sort of lust after him. I know he recognizes my “checking out” looks and gives me similar (but more subtle) looks back. I’m old school, so I don’t feel comfortable chasing after a guy, especially if it involves creating artificial situations.

So here’s my question, are there any good ways for me to meet this guy and get to know him without being obvious? I at least want to know if he’s even available and interested, and if he’s not, I can accept it and move on. I don’t want to go to others in the office for “help” and risk becoming fodder for office gossip. Also, my office is mostly made up of married, middle-aged folks with kids, so there’s really no after-hours socializing going on (at least not that I know of). So absent of any office socials, what can I do to meet this guy, or should I just dismiss this as a stupid crush and move on?

Thanks,
Feeling like a woozy teenager with butterflies again

I am worried about one of my friends. We are both
girls in high school, and at one time we were very
close. A lot of shit happened between us, we let an
(almost) romance get involved with our friendship, and
then I flipped, told her I wasn’t gay, and we went our
separate ways. At the time she became depressed, and
talked about killing herself. As far as I know she
never actually tried seriously, but she did
occasionally have cuts on her wrists (just not very
deep/bad ones).

So, two years later, she is dating a boy, ignores that
we had a thing together, and denies liking girls at
all. I have struggled a lot with my own feelings
regarding this, and have realised that I am gay. I
haven’t expressed this to her, but we have managed to
form a little bit of a friendship. The other day I saw
that she had bad-looking cuts on her wrist and when I
asked her what they were she said they were an
accident. Now, I could be wrong, but they didn’t look
like the kind of cuts you can get on accident.

I am
really worried, and I feel partially responsible. I
shouldn’t have treated her the way I did, and she
doesn’t know that (not that this is any excuse) I was
just afraid of having to face my own feelings.

The
question is, without being able to time travel, what
should I do? If she is going to hurt or kill herself I
need to tell someone, but what if it really was just
an accident? With such a strange history between me
and her, how do I approach the topic of depression and
suicide? Should it be a separate conversation/issue
than the sexuality thing? Then, if she tells me she
wants to die, or is going to try to kill herself, what
do I do? I would have to tell someone, but who? There
are teachers I trust but if I tell them they are
required to report it. Then what happens? Will she be
in trouble?

I am really worried, but some of our other
friends tell me I don’t need to worry about it, she is
just doing it for the attention. I am not so sure. I
know there have been times in my life that I have
wished so much that people would understand how badly
I was hurting, and I am afraid she will think (trying)
to kill herself is a good way to achieve that. Advice?

Sincerely,
Am I Just Being Stupid?

You write a lot of answers advising people to recognise that a friendship has
run its course and move on. My question is about the mechanics of the moving
on.

The background is pretty textbook. We were close, even best friends, from 16 to
25, which means we shared in a lot of formative experiences together; first
independent living experience, first serious boyfriend, first real job, et cetera.
But as we got older we started to go in different directions, we had less time
for one another, and we understood each other’s life choices less and less.

All of that wouldn’t be enough to sever a tie that still means a lot to me, but
I’ve come to realise that the friendship isn’t as important to her as it is to
me. At the time of writing, I haven’t seen her for over three months because
she’s too busy. Three months which coincide exactly with her (sixth) reunion
with her cheating boyfriend, so the busy excuse wouldn’t hold even if she’d
told me she was busy instead of assuming I’d read her blog and find it out.

So the friendship’s done, but it feels strange to come to that decision so
unilaterally. I don’t honestly think she’s trying to cut me off, I think she’s
just allowing the rest of her frantic life to get in the way and assumes I’ll
be there next time she gets a break. So when she does want to catch up again
(and she will, this is a pattern of hers), how do I explain without sounding
petulant? Without creating a rift so awkward that mutual friends will be
uncomfortable? Without letting loose all of the nasty judgmental stuff I keep
bottled up because it’s unfair (as if her decision to live her life in debt has
anything to do with me, which it doesn’t)? And most of all, how do I stick to
this resolution and not give in to the charm and the history between us again?
A letter or email seems cowardly, but I can’t visualise another method that
would work. Do friendship break-ups require the same etiquette as lover
break-ups?

Forgotten, but not yet gone