The Vine: March 4, 2009
Hi Sars,
About five years ago, when I was younger and not so smart, I went out and got a tattoo on my lower back. (Like everyone else in the world.) Perhaps not surprisingly, I decided I didn’t want the tattoo anymore and about two years ago, I started having laser treatments to remove it. I had seven treatments to the tune of about $2,500.
Long story short, I can’t afford to continue the laser treatments, which hadn’t yet made much of a difference anyway — they just made the tattoo verrrryy slightly lighter and patchy. If I could afford it, I would probably continue the treatments, but I’m searching for a more inexpensive solution to remove the tattoo. That brings me to my question, which I pose to the readers as well.
Have you, or anyone you know, ever used one of those tattoo removal creams with any luck? I’m thinking of Tattoo-Off, Wrecking Balm, TatBGone, things like that. I don’t want to just cover the tattoo up with makeup; I would really like to get rid of it entirely. I’ve tried searching on the internet, but all I seem to find are paid advertisements and fake testimonials. I’m looking for a real live person to tell me that this stuff works, or that I shouldn’t waste my money.
Thank you!
Sadly tattooed
Dear Sad,
I’ve never used one, or heard from anyone who’s used one, but I have to doubt they’ll do much good.A tattoo is permanent because it’s a burn, a scar, that’s then dyed, so a topical cream isn’t going to do much to address that; I think you’d have to look at the contents and see if it’s some sort of modified acid peel — and I wouldn’t even use those without a dermatologist’s say-so.
The readers will no doubt weigh in, but my feeling is, don’t bother with the creams.Ask your dermatologist if any other options exist besides the laser treatments; you may even want to consult with a different derm, looking for one whose practice is really focused on scar and tattoo treatment.
Hey Sars,
I have eight — soon to be nine — nieces and nephews, all of whom I adore. They range in age from 2.5 to 10 (another baby is due any minute now). As an auntie with no kids of my own, I enjoy giving them gifts for their birthdays and Christmas, usually books (these kids all have too many toys as it is).
So far, in six years of active aunthood (some of the nieces and nephews are from my brother’s wife’s previous marriage), I have received one thank-you note, from my six-year-old niece for her most recent birthday presents.
I’m not wrong to wish the kids would write thank-you notes, obviously. So far I haven’t said anything to their parents (two sets: my brother and his wife have five, going on six, kids, and my sister-in-law and my late — other — brother have three). I’m afraid it will seem rude. Would it be okay to send the kids stationery and stamps, or is that
passive-aggressive?
I would be totally happy with a thank-you e-mail, by the way — it doesn’t have to be paper, as far as I’m concerned. And of course, I don’t expect the little ones, who are too young to read, to write thank-you notes.
When I was a kid, I only wrote thank-you notes when my mom insisted on it. I know my SILs and my brother are busy, and I’m sure thank-you notes just aren’t on their radar. What would Sars do?
Thanks,
Miranda
Dear Miranda,
This is always a tough one — you want to speak directly to the problem, because that’s always best, but on the other hand, it’s bad manners to point out the manners failures of others.So, what to do?
I wouldn’t send the stationery; it is kind of passive-aggressive, and also, I suspect the hint will not be taken.So, while it’s perhaps a bit rude of you to do, I would just put it out there to the parents: “Would you guys mind having the kids who are old enough write me a thank-you note or email when they get gifts from me?I really love hearing from them, and also it’ll let me know the gifts got there okay.”
That last part won’t work if you-all live in the same town, or you do the gift-giving in person, so feel free to edit, but — look, I didn’t like writing thank-you notes either, back in the day, and my mother had to harass us to do it, but kids should know that it needs doing whether they feel like it or not, that courtesy is important.You don’t have to get into that with your siblings, but it’s important to you, and you should say so.
But you should say so once, and that’s it.Don’t nag; don’t apologize for it.Mention it, and let it go.
Hi Sars,
I’m a student at an “alternative” high school that emphasizes personal responsibility, trust, etc., which to the majority of students means it’s easy to sneak out and smoke pot. Which, you know, not my thing, but I don’t think I really have the right to judge, so whatever. The teachers at the school and the opportunities it provides to actually learn things are completely worth it, but it’s occasionally frustrating to be seen as an arrogant know-it-all because I am a straight-A, National Merit, math-camp-at-Stanford-and-MIT sort of girl and tend to avoid drugs.
It’s been a long-running struggle for me to gain — not acceptance, because I wouldn’t get it, but acknowledgment as a human with worthwhile talents, from the majority of the people I spend those 8 hours a day with. There’s another school nearby where I do marching band and other nerdy activities, and I have friends there; I’m lonelier than I’d like, but it’s not like I’m completely excluded from any form of social life.
Recently a group of former friends from middle/elementary school who now go to my school have started reaching out to me in some form or another — actually starting conversations, asking me to lunch, things like that. Nothing major, but it’s the closest I’ve been to anyone at my school for three years. And while most of them use pot, it doesn’t appear to be fucking up their lives too much (still varsity athletes, get good grades, have good relationships with the people around them, haven’t totaled their cars yet, unlike several other people I know) so I don’t really have any moral objections.
At least twice, though, I’ve been somewhere with one or more of them, most recently out of school for the permitted hour for lunch, and seen their drug of choice in a compartment or wherever. Which has made me realize how uncomfortable I am with being in the presence of marijuana when I could be implicated, especially when it’s technically during school hours.
I have never been pressured to try it myself, and they know me well enough to not attempt that, nor has anyone actually lit up or anything while in my presence. But…it’s illegal, justly or not, and I have no desire to get myself in trouble because of being in a car with someone.
On the other hand, I rather like these people, and it’s so nice to have even friendly acquaintances around me that I’m having trouble bringing myself to just stop hanging out with them.
So, my question: am I overreacting? Is there a valid reason to stop spending time with them, simply because I saw a little more than I would have liked? And I know that this is all tied up in issues I have with myself and self-image, and feeling unjustly marginalized, and why am I rationalizing for these people if they’ve spent almost three years ignoring me anyway? But I can’t separate myself from that enough to know if the basic issue of being in the presence of marijuana is something to worry about.
Feel free to tell me I’m an idiot,
Ignorance Is Bliss
Dear Iggy,
Yes, you’re overreacting.I won’t tell you there’s no possibility that you could be “implicated” in something, because you never know what’s going to happen in life, but if they’re not toking in your presence, or while you’re driving somewhere with them, and you’re not trying to get through an airport checkpoint with them, it’s just not a big deal.
And if they do light up around you, tell them you’re not comfortable with it.If someone gives you a ride and a joint gets lit in the car, ask them politely if they’d mind waiting until you’re dropped off.And if they stop hanging out with you because of that, then that’s what they do — it isn’t my experience that people tend to act like a Very Special Episode in those situations, and pressure you or act like you’re a freak, but if they do, you’re better off.You weren’t close with these people anyway; I know that’s not the point, but if you’re not okay with their behavior, you’re not.
I do think that you have to get a little more okay with yourself, though.Your letter has a dismissive, uptight tone to it; you say you don’t think you have the right to judge, but what I’m getting is more like “…but I do judge, because I follow all the rules and get straight As, but I’m not doing that well socially, and I resent these stoners for doing something illegal and still achieving, not to mention being popular.”I mean, I certainly wouldn’t call you an “arrogant know-it-all,” but if you talk to them the way you talk about them…it’s just a little imperious.I think you have to form relationships with these people, and react to what they actually say and do, instead of worrying about what they might do, or assuming beforehand that what they do will slag on or exclude you somehow.They’ve reached out to you; be yourself, and bring the defensiveness down a notch.
Tags: etiquette friendships the fam
When I was young and everyone lived near each other, thank you notes were only for those few far-away relatives who occasionally sent presents for important occasions (like high school graduation). Now people are much more scattered. You send a present; if there’s no response, you wonder if it even got there.
If you give the presents at a family gathering and get a big kiss and a thank you hug, a thank you note is an extra-nice acknowledgment and does get the children into the habit of responding in some fashion, after the fact. If you’re the only one who thinks so, then you’re going to have to broach the subject with your siblings and siblings-in-law and let them know that you would really like some sort of additional response, whether an email, a phone call, or whatever.
If you send the presents, you could start by asking your siblings if the presents sent to the younger children arrived. You can try to get them on the phone when you call your sibs and ask them how they like the new book. If the children are old enough to have access to an email account, send THEM an email and ask them if the book arrived and how they like it.
If you never get any response, you will be within your rights to eventually stop sending presents. That’s what I did with my older niece and nephew. The younger niece still responds (now she uses text messaging) so I will continue to send presents.
Thanks for answering my question about the thank-you notes. That’s pretty much what I did — I asked my SILs if they could get the kids to send little notes (emails would be just fine) and approached it from the (very true) angle that I love to hear from the kids and especially when I give them books, I really love to hear what they thought of them. And then I let it go. So far, my 10-year-old nephew has sent a thank-you note for his birthday present, so yay! More than anything else, I want the connection with the kids, which is tough living 2000 miles away from them all. I call and email and visit as much as I can afford to, and we’ve done video chat. Oh well. Thanks again!
My mom is a nurse in a derm office and they have stopped even attempting to remove tattoos. Your best bet is probably trying to find a big hospital that will attempt removal.
In my family, we only sent thank-you notes to the relatives and friends who sent gifts. If we opened gifts in someone’s presence, the reaction (hugs, thank yous, etc.) were considered to be enough.
Which is actually kind of helpful now that I am getting married in a week and a half and have to write about a bazillion thank you notes in the next few months. I’m very much in practice, unlike my fiance, who requested a template. Woo!
To the Tattooed Lady – I don’t think you’ll have luck with anything topical. I had my tattoo lasered off. I went to a dermatology center that had a laser specifically for tattoo removal. The group was called Ink Out Now (www.inkoutnow.com) – they are local, but if you go on their website and get information about the laser they use, it may be helpful in researching laser removal centers near you. It cost me $120 per session and I believe I had 9 sessions spaced out over almost 3 years. My tattoo is mostly gone, and it had colors that are notoriously difficult to remove – greens, blues and yellows. Now it looks like I just have a bruise where the tattoo was and with time, it will fade more.
Good luck!
SadTatt, if all you can find when researching a product are fake testimonials and advertising, there is a reason. Trust your instinct, which is to save your money on this junk. Pills won’t do the work of diet and exercise … creams can’t remove cellulite or tattoos … conditioners do not repair split ends … snake oil doesn’t cure cancer …
Life is unfair this way, but there will always be those who trade on false hope. Don’t reward ’em for it. You’re smart for researching, and you’re healthily skeptical. Reward yourself by caring a little less about what these people want you to be afraid of/ashamed of/ready to be swindled for.
I think the idea of telling your nieces’ and nephews’ parents (er – that would be your brothers and/or sisters, I guess) that you would really appreciate thank you letters, but I think you could also really reinforce that with the kids if/when they do do it. I didn’t see the point of writing thank you letters as a child because they just seemed to disappear off into the void.
Obviously, as an adult, I can see that that’s exactly *why* we were supposed to send them, so that it wasn’t our aunts and uncles sending us presents and then never hearing back! But the niblings are probably too young to see that from your point of view, but they would probably adore getting little letters back or even just being told how much you appreciate their letters.
…I think that not sending a kid presents because they fail to send thank-you notes is a bit extreme. I think a lot of people just really don’t understand how important thank-you notes are to some people. In my family, we never sent thank-you notes, so when I receive one I’m always pleasantly surprised. In my family, thank-you notes were reserved for relatives who sent you a gift and you were unable to thank them in person. But even in those situations, a call or email generally would suffice.
Speaking as someone who sucks at thank-you notes and always has, I would say two things:
1. No excuses, it’s a flaw. But it’s a flaw based on general bad habits and procrastination/disorganization stuff more than anything, in my case, and not in being substantively ungrateful or ungenerous, so any mercy you can bring yourself to show, I encourage you to show (not that it sounds like you’re not; but I’ve known people who haven’t). You’re absolutely right to want at least an acknowledgment (which is a different question than the more dicey matter of people who want to dictate the form in which their gift must be acknowledged).
2. I personally believe you’re entirely within your rights not to send gifts if you so choose. Part of being bad at the social niceties of gift exchanges is that sometimes you don’t get to participate in them; I would back you up if that were your choice.
re: Thank you notes from kids – I don’t EVER remember writing thank you notes as a kid. Ever. Even in early high school. It just never occured to me. My parents raised us with manners, for sure, so I’m not sure why writing thank you notes was somehow lost in the shuffle – maybe my mom just called up relative so-and-so to let them know how much we enjoyed whatever we’d just received? I don’t know. Anyway, I would probably send a note (if you send the gifts) with the gifts for the older kids, specifically requesting some sort of “I would love to know what you think of this book / how you like your first asy Bake ‘cake’ / which character is your favorite on this show!” And if they don’t respond, then ask the parents – “hey, did Little Precious Snowflake get the Wii game? I would love to hear that my neice/nephew beat my high score!” It’s a little passive-aggressive in the thank you department, but it will garner feedback AND keep you in touch with what those darn kids are up to these days, you know?
@Iggy – you’re not being an idiot. I would be uncomfortable in the situation you described as well – but I agree with Sars. As long as you aren’t directly involved in the imbibing, it would be a pretty far reach for you to be implicated in anything illegal.
Here is some completely free perspective on the social aspect of high school from a year 2000 graduate: High schoolers are twats, OK? All of them. I was. My best friend was. The guy I had a raging crush on was. That many hormonal and life changes happening crammed within the walls of one institution just breeds all the crazy that can be imagined. The thing is, it is almost always a temporary twattiness, and everyone will eventually get over themselves. The sooner you can focus on YOU, and not so much on what-these-other-people-are-doing, the better. The best thing you can do is just be the best kind of friend you can imagine, like if you met Awesome You at a party, what would that be like? To me, it sounds like you’d be intelligent, observational, trustworthy, and frank. There are other great things about you, too, I’m sure – all I have to work with is one letter. Be the kind of person YOU would want to be friends with, and you’ll find out pretty soon who amongst your classmates you actually want to be around, too.
Sadly, do you want to get rid of your tattoo because you hate the design? Or do you hate the idea of a tattoo at all? If it’s just the design you hate, your best bet may be to approach a tattoo artist about covering it up with another design. Make sure you check out their portfolio to see that they’ve done this sort of thing before. Some artists can do amazing work and you’d never know the old design was ever there. But if you get the wrong artist, you may end up with another mess.
“it’s a flaw based on general bad habits and procrastination/disorganization stuff more than anything, in my case, and not in being substantively ungrateful or ungenerous”
I don’t tend to assume that someone who failed to write a thank-you note isn’t grateful. It’s more that…well, I’d compare it to chronic tardiness, although it’s not an exact analog. People who are always late are almost never purposefully making me wait or putting me behind, but there is a thoughtlessness vis-a-vis my time that I consider disrespectful. People who “just don’t” write thank-you notes, kind of the same thing: I thought about it, I spent money on it, I stood in line at the P.O. to mail it. I want, at least, to know it got there; I don’t need a novel, I don’t even need pen to paper, but I’d like something.
It depends on who it is, of course, but this type of thing, where it’s a matter of making someone else’s effort/time important to you (or pretending it is; heh), I do feel like you have to make yourself get on the stick even if it’s not your nature.
My mom always made my brother and I do thank you cards, she’d write up a list and sit us down at the dining room table and we weren’t allowed up until we were done. These days I only send them when the gift is mailed to me, if I get it in person I just thank them right there and I consider that enough. Luckily for me though I don’t ever have to do that many thank you notes, my aunts and uncles all subscribe to the belief that once you’re supporting yourself financially you don’t get presents anymore. I honestly think that’s a good philosophy, especially given the bad taste of my relatives. I’d much rather get nothing than another freakin’ scarf or candle.
You know, I’ve been following TN for a long time, and loving pretty much every minute of it. The thank you notes were things that surprised me at first; my family just does not play that way, and neither do any of the people I know… Most of us seem to follow the whole “call or email if they didn’t see your response, but if you gave them a hug then it’s covered” approach.
That said, after reading all of the vines about thank you notes and so on, I have in the past year or so, actually started writing them. Thank you notes aren’t hard, and you can pick them up for 10 cents a card, so it’s not a great expense, even. And the reaction that I get for sending off an actual note more than justifies the cost of a stamp. People appreciate being appreciated and it’s not that hard to just write a note although it sometimes takes me a while to actually get things to the post office.
Re:thank you notes:
I see Miranda is all set, but I wanted to mention that I send my nieces and nephews presents from afar, too, and what my siblings do that I really like is put them on the phone to say thank you and talk to me for a while. I realize that’s not the proper mannerly thing, but I enjoy it a lot more because it gives me a chance for some one on one time with the kids on the phone that I don’t usually get. I’ve had some great conversations with my 10 year old niece and 9 year old nephew because of it, too. So, just a thought for other aunts and uncles who’d like a little recognition/’face’ time with the kiddos.
Also, I think sometimes siblings who live close to each other (and all have kids) don’t get that it sucks to miss the moment when the kid opens the present and loves it. I’ve given some sweet gifts and my Mom will tell me how excited they were and such, but it’s also great to get them on the phone and get hear it yourself. But that’s a tough thing to understand if you’ve not experienced it, so clueing family in on that will most often do the trick.
@Jeanne: Our mother did that too. And then they were PROOFREAD. My mom was hardcore.
For in-person gifts, we didn’t have to do it, except for my grandmother, who did not observe that distinction and would have ripped the lot of us a new one if a thank-you note hadn’t arrived in her mailbox within a fortnight. But my feeling is, better safe than sorry, so I just write them for everything, including dinners sometimes.
Well, I’m an indulgent auntie and I get great thank you notes…my sister finds it a useful way to entertain my older niece, to get her to write a ‘letter’ (it’s mostly stickers or painting at the moment, as she’s only 3). BUT I must admit operating a ‘3 strikes and you’re out’ policy with the kids of friends. I can see it’s a bit hard on the kids if they’ve not been brought up to do it, but I’m not going to go to the trouble of choosing something, wrapping it and posting it more than a couple of times, if there’s zero response. My mother made us write thank you notes (even for the York Fruits UGH), in case that’s not obvious!
We wrote thank you notes to all relatives who sent a gift. I learned later that it was very important to send the notes to the grandmothers because they had sent a cheque, and my parents had purchased the gift (which has a lot going for it when you have over 10 grandchildren to buy for).
One of my aunts actually once sent me some notepaper from MOMA with illustrations inspired by Alice in Wonderland. I don’t think it was a passive-aggressive thing, but rather a ‘this is the one who likes to read’. I still have the box and only used up the paper (purple!) recently. I loved it so much at the time, I rationed it aggressively, especially the sheets with the griffins (I didn’t like the paper with the rabbits as much).
“It depends on who it is, of course, but this type of thing, where it’s a matter of making someone else’s effort/time important to you (or pretending it is; heh), I do feel like you have to make yourself get on the stick even if it’s not your nature.”
I completely understand this argument, totally. Which is why it’s a shortcoming and not just a variation, particularly with someone (like you) who is known to think it’s important. (Since lots of people, as these comments are suggesting, don’t.) The only thing I’m arguing is that it fits into the larger picture of who and how people are. It’s all a balance, as far as everybody having strengths and weaknesses, and I’m more saying that if you have relatives who are bad at it, it’s not worth basically never speaking to them again. Not that I’m saying this ever happened to me, at all.
“my sister finds it a useful way to entertain my older niece, to get her to write a ‘letter’ (it’s mostly stickers or painting at the moment, as she’s only 3). ”
That sounds pretty awesome, actually.
Would it work to be really excited about getting the Thank you from the six year old? Or would that be passive aggressive? Too subtle? I suppose it would only work for that set of parents, “I really appreciated the thank you note from Jenny, that was absolutely wonderful.” and then thank said niece, of course. Not that you have to continually thank for getting thanks, but to reward the “behavior” initially.
Then you still have the other parents and you’d have to go with Sars suggestion of just asking for Thank yous and seeing if it works.
Why is “Ignorance” going to an Alternative High School? Seems like she would like a traditional one more to be around her intellectual peers.
For Miranda, if the gifts are given in person, and you are thanked, I think that is adequate. If they are not given in person, then you could call to ask if they got it since you hadn’t heard from them.
I was never a good voluntary thank-you writer until I received a thank you from a customer when I worked at a B&B that did a lot of catering. I had done a half-hour’s worth of flower rearranging and bride hand-holding when the florist screwed up the arrangements for a wedding. The bride’s mother sent me the nicest, most effusive (but still very sincere) thank you and I was floored. When I realized how it absolutely made my day, I decided right then to make good, timely, chatty thank yous a habit. The cards I use are small enough that 3-4 sentences fills it nicely (though sometimes I go longer if I’ve got more to say), and I’ve never had anything but positive results flow therefrom.
I guess I just don’t get the excuses some people make for why they don’t write thank-yous (did anyone catch the howler in Miss Manners sometime over the past few months, wherein the LW tried to complain that sending a physical note violated her sense of environmentalism? MM was all “yeah…no.”). Shit happens – I found a rogue note from my wedding (to my sister, of all people) a good year after the fact – but it’s really kind of indefensible, IMBO, to accept gifts without accepting the obligation to follow some basic tenets of gracious behavior. Or, put another way, no one ever gets mad when they receive a thank you, even if they gave the gift in person (I mean, unless the note say something like “thanks for the vase, you sucking whore!”)
I have some very bad news for you, Sad. There is no way to be completely rid of a tattoo, short of cutting out a chunk of skin. Tattoo removal gels and creams and home sandblasting kits don’t work. Flat out scams, without even a hint of “maybe for some people in the right conditions.” Please don’t waste your money on them.
If you read the active ingredients on wrecking balm, you’ll find… salicylic acid, which is used to treat/prevent acne. And something abrasive (it’s been a while since I looked so I don’t remember exactly), with lots of oils to make it smell nice as you exfoliate. Which will do exactly nothing for your tattoo, but give you nice soft, acne-free skin on top of it.
And no matter what the laser people tell you, it is next to impossible to completely remove all traces of a tattoo, unless it is very light to begin with. If you haven’t seen much difference between the last few laser sessions, you’ve probably reached the limit of what it’s going to do for you. There are several different kinds of lasers (different sources/wavelengths are good for different ink colors), if you wanted to give a different one a try, but probably you are close to the limit of how light your tattoo is going to get. I’m really sorry, but your options at this point might be to live with it, cover it up, or wear makeup.
If by some strange chance you are in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, I can direct you to a very nice guy who can give you a second opinion, but I won’t do an unsolicited plug.
@Jenny Dreadful
I only took the extreme measure after years of no thank-you notes and not even responses to emails asking them “what would you like for birthday/christmas.”
and even then I waited until they each turned eighteen
and am still not sure that anyone even noticed!
It’s funny timing on the thank you note question, since I just had an email exchange yesterday with some friends on this very topic. One of my friends, Mary, put it well, so I’m going to quote her: “I think thank you notes are a simple way to let people know that you appreciate them, their thoughtfulness and their time, kindness or gift. And it is also part of teaching children to be grateful, to acknowledge kind actions of others, and to understand the basic social rules that we live by.” Why would you want to teach your children that manners and acknowledgement to others who did something thoughtful for you are unimportant?
One of the things were strive to teach our kids is that people (even grandma) don’t HAVE to buy them presents or do nice things for them. They do it because they love them and want to do something to make them happy. The thank you note shows that you realize that fact. My daughter is 4, and she sat down and wrote thank you notes for the generous Chanukah presents she received. She only did one or two a day, and the notes were short (and I had to sit and tell her how to spell most of the words), but she loved doing them — and our friends and relatives loved getting them.
Oh, and once my brother and I were about 10, my mom had a strict rule about thank you notes: no playing with the toy/ reading the book/ wearing the clothes we received until the thank you was written.
I have heard it said that the best way to cover unwanted tattoos is by tattooing skin colour over the old one. I have no idea if it’s true, but it was sold to (tattoo-less) me as good in that the skin still and is therefore not as obvious, whereas laser-treated skin doesn’t so… looks worse after you’ve been in the sun.
I obviously wouldn’t do this just off my say-so, but it may be worth asking about?
Count me in with “forced to write” the TY notes. Mom would make a list at Christmas of who bought us what, and we’d be instructed to churn out those mofo’s within two weeks.
That said, I slid a bit as I got into my teen/early 20’s, because Mom wasn’t supervising as much as before, and then I was out on my own. However, I’ve gotten much better – especially since the wedding! The list-making and card-writing practice was excellent!
After one too many gift went unacknowledged, one of my grandmothers read us the riot act and told that if we didn’t call or send a note to acknowledge her gifts, we wouldn’t receive a cheque in our next card. She was somewhat amused when my smartass brother endorsed his check with his signature and a “Thanks Grannie.” However, he was sharply informed that a back of the cheque thank you note didn’t meet the requirements and that he needed to pull up his socks in the expression of gratitude department.
This year, I made a deal with my older nephews (10 – 14). I will include a postage-paid, pre-addressed postcard with their card & cheque. If I don’t get it back, next year they get a card. They accepted the deal. So far I’m 1 for 1 and I loved the enthusiasm expressed by the now 11-year-old in his 2-sentence note. There’s something kind of adult about managing one’s own correspondence that appealed to them, having a relationship with me on their own and not through their parents.
The younger ones I call on or shortly after their birthday to wish them Happy Birthday. When they turn 10, I’ll offer the same deal. I figure they’re old enough and responsible enough at that point to write a couple of lines on a postcard and drop it in a mailbox.
I teach preschool Sunday School and sometimes get thank-you notes in the form of pictures, which is great. It’s more personal than a thank-you note because the child took the time to draw something especially for me, rather than being forced to write out a generic thank-you. Miranda, if your nieces and nephews like art, maybe you can get them art supplies and ask them to make you pictures as your thank-yous.
Actually, I think I will do an unsolicited plug, if only because it’s the only place that I’ve seen that shows actual results, with the number of sessions, so you can compare to typical results:
http://www.fadefast.com
Halfway down the “results” page is a shamrock-y shoulder that belongs to my boyfriend, and which has looked pretty similar after the last two sessions–he has probably hit the limit of what laser can do for him.
Regarding kids and thank-you notes, the main onus is on parents, of course, but in some cases schools can get kids in the habit, too.
My mom used to the be main office secretary at an elementary school, and the teachers had all the kids write thank you notes to her on Secretaries Day. I think it was my mom’s favorite day of the year, because the kids would write the most random things, like “Mrs. de Terre you are our school secretary. You are a nice lady and you always have tissues” or “Thank you for calling my mom that time I threw up.”
Last year, I spoke at a career day and the teacher had the kids write me notes that were just hilarious. A sample: “Your longest artical looks very, very interesting. We can’t believe that you travled to Texes so you could write it.”
And then she drew a picture of me, her mother and herself, in which I am a person and the girl and her mom are dogs with bows on their ears who are talking to each other about how awesome I am. So cute!
@Krissa,
I’m with you on never writing thank-you notes as a kid. I know my parents taught me manners, but I honestly never knew people did that.
My incredibly gracious SIL taught my nieces to write them, though. The first several years they were in SIL’s handwriting, with a first- or second-grader’s signature underneath. Now that they’re 8 1/2 and 9, (and out of the country,) I get thank-you emails. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they wrote them voluntarily.
@ Miranda – I have 7 nephews, 4 great-nieces and 1 great-nephew (I’m not that old – my dad is, and he has kids from his first marriage, :).)
I rarely get thank-you notes for the stuff I send, but my family reports back, via emails, Facebook, MySpace, or text messages to say that the kids enjoyed the stuff, or whatever. I guess that constitutes a thank you note these days.
I honestly don’t worry about it. They know I’m thinking of them, and they love getting packages in the mail, and that’s enough for me. I just like to enjoy the fact that I’m hopefully contributing to happy memories for them. :)
My parents had me write thank you notes to all relatives and friends who gave gifts, and then when I moved away from home I started writing thank you notes to my parents as well (my feeling was–they raised me, and picked something especially nice out for me, it’s good for them to know they and their gifts are appreciated!) I just think it is the gracious thing to do–not just for gifts, but when someone has you over for dinner, or for work (I freelance) when someone recommends a new client.
And for skeptics out there, my Dad received his first car as a result of writing thank you notes. When his grandmother wasn’t able to drive her car anymore, she gave it to him. When the parents of the other teenaged cousin in the family asked her why, she said, “He always wrote me thank you notes, so I know he appreciate my gifts.” Kind of an extreme example, but I always imagined him furiously writing thank you notes to all relatives afterwards.
I was taught not to open the note with thank you, but to begin with at least one sentence along the lines of, “I hope this note finds you well/I hear you’ve had snow and hope you are staying warm” etc so it doesn’t just read “Thank you for the blank, it was blank, love me.” I’m sure the shorter notes are okay if you’re under 10 though. I do buy smallish cards so I can do 3-4 sentences.
I hope it works out for the un-thanked aunt!
I sent a thank you card for every gift I receive and generally every event I attend as a guest of someone else, it was drilled into me from birth and I keep it up now. Its also a great business practise and sending a thank you card after a job interview has always gone well. I still prerfer to send notes, but suppose that email can sometimes do the trick.
Its one of those things that isnt the most entertaining way to spend your time (like going to the dentist) but if you do it reguarly and often it gets easier and reaps rewards.
Good Manners cost nothing – bad manners can cost an awful lot
I’ve been writing thank-you notes since childhood (my mom didn’t proofread the notes but she did sit us down and make sure they were written). Now that I’m grown my rule for myself is to have them sent within a week of receiving the nice thing (gifts, hospitality, favors, post-interview, whatever – I send them for everything and to everyone, including my parents). I have a friend who, two years after her wedding, has not sent me a thank-you note for the gift I sent, and the first thing I think when I hear about her is “she didn’t send me a thank-you note.†(Even if you don’t send them for everything, I think everyone knows you send them for wedding gifts.) People who don’t care are still happy to get them; people who DO care expect them and are annoyed when they don’t get them, so I think it’s wise to err on the side of sending them. I think it’s rude to just take a gift without acknowledging it – no one HAS to give gifts. I don’t have nieces or nephews but my brother was raised by the same mom so I assume he’ll have his kids writing them when the time comes. And my friends know I send them so I hope they know I’ll expect them when they start having kids.
Iggie, I’m going to take the unpopular perspective and tell you that I think you’re right in your wariness about being around illicit substances. Be warned though, that I took that approach at your age and got labeled a stuck-up something or other. That’s the thing about the situation you’re in- you have to pick a path. Either you suck it up, socialize with these people and take the however minor risk that you get implicated for something, or you spend your days in school being perfectly nice but essentially walking alone. You can’t have it both ways. I chose to be perfectly nice but walk alone. You have to decide which way you want to go, and then go there without any attitude or anxiety. High school is not the end-all of human experience (thank God), and once you get to college you’ll meet tons of people who don’t all engage in things that, while they may be harmless, are illegal nonetheless.
So, to summarize: if you don’t want to be around pot, then don’t. But don’t be a tool about it.
I too was forced to write thank you notes throughout my childhood. I still have to force myself to do, because I don’t have whatever it is that makes people do this voluntarily and without prompting. My mother STILL prompts me to do it. And I’m 26. I’ve received exactly one thank you note, ever, in my life. I’ve never gotten them from my niece and nephew for Christmas or Birthday presents. I’ve never gotten them from any of my friends’ kids. I figure I can handle the four thank you notes I have to write annually. Even though I hate it and they always seem stupid and awkward.
Holy shit, Sars, I thought I was the only one whose parents proofread their thank-you notes. Only in my case, it was my Dad, and he took PENMANSHIP into account (there were a few do-overs). Suffice to say, I hated writing the damn things, but I still do it. Dinners, interviews, you name it, I’ve probably written a card for it.
I sometimes got the worst of both worlds… I was forced to write my thank you notes, with specific length minima, and give them to my mother. My mother would then put them in a drawer with my brother’s thank you notes until she got hers done.
I swear my mother still has thank you notes from, like, 1998 sitting around somewhere.
OK, weighing in on the thank you note issue. I did it as a kid because my mother made me, and I do it now because it is what I would like when I give a gift. (I rarely, if ever get one, but I would appreciate it.)
But… it is the right thing to do. If you need an example: Donors Choose. I get a thank you each and every time I donate. Sometimes it’s an email from the teacher, and sometimes it’s a whole envelope full of handwritten letters from the kids, including pictures they drew, and photos of them enjoying the donated item. It’s those thank you’s that make me want to keep donating. Some kids letters feel forced, some are truly grateful, (and some are hilarious), but all of them are appreciated. Not to get cheesy, but sometimes appreciation helps people want to keep doing nice/good/caring/generous things. It takes so little effort, relatively, that there’s no good reason not to do it.
I wrote thank you notes to the people who gave me checks and gifts when I graduated high school nine years ago, and I wrote a few thank you notes last year for some people who did me professional courtesies. I have never written a thank you note to a relative. My family’s thing was, receive the gift, mom calls the aunt or uncle, calls kid to the phone, kid chirps, “Thanks, auntie!” and done. But there was only one aunt and uncle who didn’t live five minutes away from where we were, which may have had a lot to do with it.
For awhile after college I was repaying a loan by my grandmother with a monthly check, and I started (without being prompted) dropping a little hand-written note in with the check. That was mostly about keeping her apprised of my goings-on because she has never embraced e-mail. But my family has just never been advocates for what “should” be done. My mom threw my sister’s baby shower. My aunt wore black to her daughter’s wedding. We consider it not standing on ceremony.
Whoops, I hit accidentally “Submit” before putting in the well-mannered “to each his own” coda I had planned upon.
Ignorance, I’ve been in similar situations as an adult. It can sort of feel like being in on a secret that you don’t really want to be in on, even if it’s a very open secret — I’m a worrier by nature, and it makes me nervous just to think that I could end up having to choose between lying to an authority figure (gives me panic attacks — the world’s most goody-two-shoes anxiety disorder) or selling out my friend (“great, now I’m panicky and a jerk”). But in my experience, most pot users understand that their non-pot-using friends don’t necessarily want to know more details than they have to, and it sounds like your friends haven’t been, like, making a big deal of “LOOK, HERE’S MY WEED” or in some way flaunting their perceived coolness and calling you a goody-two-shoes — they just haven’t gone to much effort to hide things from you.
If it really, really bugs you, you might mention to them that you’re uncomfortable knowing too many details about their pot use, especially since it sounds like they already respect your non-interest in trying it or being around them when they’re smoking; if you don’t want to do that, all you can really do is consider the actual level of risk you’re taking by hanging out with them (I think it’s very low) and whether you’re willing to accept it.
Was ‘made’ to write thank you letters growing up, too, but Mom made sure I picked out stationary *I* liked, so that it was interesting in at least one way.
I got two jobs because I wrote thank you notes – the hiring managers told me it was between myself and someone else equally matched, and I was the one who hand-wrote a stamped and mailed thank you note. So I got the job!
Tattooing skin color over an existing tattoo will not work, it is not possible to cover a darker color with lighter ones.
Sars, out of curiousity, do you write thank you notes, as a matter of course, for gifts you receive in person? I tend to write cards/phone for those who’ve sent gifts, or passed them on through my parents, etc, but not (like many others here, evidently) for gifts received in person. (Unless it was something particularly significant that you wanted to comment on more.)
Another question is about cards & letters; if you receive, for example, a card congratulating you on something, do you write back? I’ve recently had an occasion for which I received a number of cards, and have been very slowly writing back. It’s now about 3 months later, but I figure better late than never. I’d be interested to see what others think.
I’m either blind, or my other comment didn’t make it through, which is good because I think it was nonsensical. Anyway, I’m in Erin W’s camp: parents call relatives, kid has a quick thank you convo, deal is done. None of my relatives really lived anywhere near me (my parents are immigrants), but we still never sent thank you notes except (I think) for big formal events–1st communion, graduation, etc.
That said, my boss has recently taken the step of no more presents for the nieces and nephews. I think, much like the advice Sars gave, this is meant to send a message to the parents more than the kids. If your kid can’t even acknowledge his aunt when she walks in a room because you don’t make him look up from his video game ever? Maybe he doesn’t need any gifts.
@Erin W. – the problem with “to each his own” is that it dismisses the feelings of others in preference for oneself. This is exactly why social conventions *become* “conventions” at all.
Conventions are called that for a reason: it’s not as if someone can pretend not to know that many people do like (and, yes, expect) to be thanked for gifts. So there’s no excuse for not offering thanks, and there’s no way to say one doesn’t know that might be considered rude. Gift-giving itself is conventional behavior; so to omit the convention of THANKS for a gift is an undeserved, knowing snub, and may be considered genuinely unkind to those who have been kind to you. One person’s “artificial” doesn’t fit all.
Ignoring the expectation of gratitude on the basis of personal style deameans the thoughtfulness shown to a recipient – and, as has been discussed, also quite likely reduces your chances of receiving any further such thoughtfulness. As Mel put it: “Good Manners cost nothing – bad manners can cost an awful lot.”
And … Expressions of thanks are hardly a *ceremony*, for goodness’ sake. Good lord.
I was also going to say the best thank you notes I’ve received were from Donor’s Choose teachers and students. I got a big chuckle out of the some of the kids who wrote something like, “Thank you for the games…please send more money.” Hee!
I also agree with Mel about sending thank you notes for job interviews-not only is it nice manners, its a great way to remind the interviewer about you and your skills and keep your name fresh in their mind. My BF looked at me like I was from the moon when I told him to do this, but I know it helped land him a job.
One general question though-when you send a job interview thank you do you use stationary or plain paper? I lean toward plain paper since its a professional situation.