The Vine: March 6, 2002
Sars,
You are so-oooooo right on!
I think Confused in Colorado must be an unquestioning devotee of none other than the Misanthropic Bitch (but I’m sure you already knew that!). It’s sad that people don’t have the SA (situational awareness) to refrain from aping the Misanthrope in front of the very people (no judgment here) that are the object of her rants. In fact, I suggest that Confused is more confused, and passive-aggressive, than she lets on, and she needs to get a life — and her own opinions.
Not Amused, Either! in DC
Dear Not Amused,
Well, yes. Not wanting children? Fine. Not understanding why other people would want children? Also fine. Slinging the term “breeder” around? Not fine.
In fairness to Confused, I don’t know exactly what she said, or the tone she used, or what (if anything) her boyfriend said, but if her boyfriend’s mother got that angry, it leads me to believe that Confused crossed a line…but if she did say the word “breeder” or pass a bunch of snarky comments, it’s not just the rudeness that strikes me. It’s the lack of common sense. Why on earth would you deliberately antagonize the mother of the man you love? Because mothers-in-law never forget shit like that.
I mean, yeah, fifteen seems a little young to start a family, but giving birth to a child doesn’t lower a woman’s IQ, or make her less relevant or important. To imply otherwise is sexist, not to mention crass.
Sars,
Usually I agree with your advice to people who write you for the Vine, but I think you were a little too harsh with Confused. I agree that her “in-jokes” were very rude and inappropriate, but the reaction of her boyfriend’s mother doesn’t seem like the best one either. If she was truly bothered by the jokes, she should have made a polite comment to the effect that she didn’t appreciate the jokes because they made her feel that her life choices were wrong. And she should have said this a lot earlier on than the third night, avoiding a build-up of resentment.
Also, it seems like Confused’s boyfriend was helping her make the jokes instead of tipping her off to the idea that they might bother his mother. Maybe he’s not bright enough to figure out that they would, but in my world it’s SOP to advise your significant other about potential rough spots with your parents during a visit, and during the visit make sure you keep them off the dangerous track.
In short, I think Confused was definitely out of line. But her boyfriend and his mother only made the situation worse by failing to help her out or give her a polite heads-up on her rudeness early on.
Signed,
Hoping Confused has help next time
Dear Hoping,
As I said above, I don’t know exactly what Confused or her boyfriend said — and on the boyfriend tip, you’ve got a good point. The boyfriend didn’t defend Confused, but it doesn’t sound like he defended his mother either. He’s young, but he should have known better; he could have taken Confused aside and gently suggested that she stuff it in a sock for a few days, but he didn’t, and now he’s stuck in the middle.
As for his mother — sorry, but I still take her side. I imagine that, when she heard the first few comments, she probably didn’t know how to react, so she kept her mouth shut, hoping her son would put a stop to it; maybe she hinted that she didn’t appreciate Confused’s attitude, and Confused didn’t catch her snap. I don’t know; I don’t have a transcript. Still, I don’t think it’s up to his mom to provide Confused with a “polite heads-up” — particularly since Confused seems not to understand why Mom got upset, or to have a firsthand acquaintance with “polite” in the first place.
I mean, yeah, it’s unfortunate that Mom yelled at Confused, but it’s my sense that she did what she had to do to shut Confused up already.
Ten thousand times thank you, Sars! My blood was about two thirds boiling reading the letter from “Confused in Colorado,” and you really cut through the crap. I am currently a stay-at-home mom after having been in the work force for about twenty years. The nasty tendency women have to snipe at one another for their choices is so sad. The stay-homes trash-talk the working moms, the “career gals” take shots at the “hausfraus.” It’s just so dumb. Like any of us was born into one role and have never nor will ever deviate from it. This woman probably thought you were a kindred spirit of some kind, having avoided such tacky pitfalls as breeding, and I thank you for giving her some wisdom and perspective. Keep up the great work.
Hawai’i Mama
Dear Hawai’i,
Hey, no problem. I mean, I would go completely, irretrievably, bats-in-the-attic crazy staying at home with kids. It’s not for me, for a lot of reasons. But dismissing all stay-at-home moms as sheeplike and/or anti-feminist? Please. It’s faulty logic, just for starters, not to mention sexist in its own right, and I think my own mom, who isn’t only a mom but also a second alto, a reproductive-rights activist, an amateur musical parodist, a fan of Antonio Sabato Jr., and a bunch of other things that make her a unique person above and beyond staying home and trying to prevent me and Mr. S from killing each other, would have a couple of things to say about generalizations like that.
I don’t want to put words in Confused’s mouth, but if that’s how she feels about women who stay at home with children, then at the very least she needs to keep it to herself.
Tags: etiquette kids
