The Vine: March 8, 2005
I don’t recall seeing this one around (please forgive me if
that’s due to my Sieve, Class A, memory).
According to several of my friends, uni students at that,
grammar and punctuation is becoming optional. Specifically,
the use of apostrophes.
Apparently, the apostrophe in “I’m” is no longer necessary.
Ditto won’t, can’t, don’t.
I feel that they’re wrong, very wrong, but can’t find a whole
heap to back myself up — “wont,” “cant,” “dont” all seem to be pretty
common these days.
I’ll be horrified if the apostrophe dies! All that time I spent
learning where to place it at high school…
Thanks, Sars.
Don’t Say I Wasted My Time, Please!
Dear Only On Your Friends,
What th– “optional”? Um, no. The rules of usage aren’t an instrument of The Man designed to quash expression. Just the opposite — they’re supposed to encourage expression by ensuring clarity, i.e. not saying “wont” when you mean “won’t.” Two different words — same with “cant” and “can’t.” And “Im” is not a word at all.
You probably can’t find much to “back you up” because the idea that you wouldn’t use an apostrophe at all is so idiotic and lazy that it wouldn’t occur to anybody to say explicitly that it’s incorrect. There’s no need. An apostrophe is required to denote a contraction; everyone knows this. Punctuation controls the flow of prose; everyone knows this, too. It’s like finding “back-up” for the assertion that brakes are a necessary part of an automobile; I mean, duh. Unless your friends are telegram operators, or fond of just coasting to a stop.
“Optional.” Jesus. NO IT AIN’T.
Hi there —
Sorry to bother you like this, but you seem to be the kind of person who had fairly rational advice to give (although this may be a matter of opinion). My problem is this: I have this guy-friend. I use the term “friend” very loosely because sometimes I feel like taking a cattleprod to his private parts. HIS problem is that he’s so damn ambiguous about his sexuality.
If he’d come out either way and just TELL everyone, there’d be little to no fuss and everyone could continue on with their lives. But he’s just downright creepy in that he swings between violent extremes. Half the time he’ll be pirouetting with the girls in a dance class like he’s Liberace and singing the soprano roles in musicals. (Roles that belong to other people — real girls — I might add.) I don’t know if it’s just his ego or if he is severely conflicted. He’s heavily into the arts (I know this doesn’t scream homosexuality, but bear with me). He exudes an aura of safety and comfort most of the time, acting all buddy-like and flamer-ish.
Then in less than a second he can turn into the raunchiest horn-dog on the planet. And he thinks girls find this charming, which is a large part of the problem. Any rebuffs or outright death threats are dismissed by him as cute jokes, not the defensive personal attacks that they really are. I have nothing against gay men or women. In fact, I have sorely wished for a gay guy friend for years. I also have nothing against straight men. I love ’em, in fact. Just not this one. He’s like a little brother to me, but he cannot keep his sweaty little carnie hands to himself, thinks that every girl who is his friend is a friend with privileges.
How can I get a “straight” (har) answer out of him? And if I can’t, is there any way I can get him to stop one of his two lifestyles? I don’t think he’s sitting on the fence on this issue. I’ve considered he might be bi, but he doesn’t seem the type to be middle of the road when there are extremes he is perfectly content to swing between. This is beginning to make my life difficult, and I’m not alone in my plea for change here. I’ve discussed this with at least a dozen other young ladies of our mutual aquaintance and none of us can find any way to sort this out. Is there some kind of test we can administer here?
Sincerely,
EB
Dear No,
Who cares what his sexuality is? Seriously. Can’t he just be undeclared? If you’re not attracted to him, what’s it to you? That isn’t the real problem here; the real problem is that he’s handsy and won’t quit it, which is harassment, and the next time he does it, he needs to get a sharp elbow in the ribs and a “STOP IT, ASS!” shouted in his face. Or worse.
The fact that he makes such an insistent point of the horn-dog stuff reads “closet case” to me, but again: not the point. Whatever “lifestyle” he chooses to go with, it should be one where he keeps his hands to himself. That shit is obnoxious; end it.
Sars,
I’m not the grammar/spelling/usage genius that you are, but I like to think that, as a journalism student/aspiring copy editor, I can hold my own. There is one issue, however, that has recently come into question. It’s driving me crazy, so I thought I would turn to you, O Great One, for The Final Word.
Which of these is correct: “already” or “all ready?” A friend of mine insists that a professor once told her that it should always be two words, just like “all right,” but I have never heard that. Merriam-Webster lists “already” as a perfectly acceptable word, but now, every time I start to type it, I wonder if I’m making myself look stupid.
Can you shed some light?
Signed,
Red-Faced Rookie?
Dear Red,
Your friend’s professor is high. “Already” and “all ready” have two distinct meanings, and in any case, “already” isn’t incorrect — whereas substituting “all ready” for “already” is frequently incorrect. “That happened all ready”? Huh? It doesn’t even mean anything.
And for the record, “alright” isn’t incorrect either. It’s a more recent coinage, and it’s not the one I prefer, but according to the 11C it’s acceptable.
Also: The teacher isn’t always right. My parents are still making fun of a high-school teacher of mine who taught me the wrong pronunciation of “albeit.”
Oh wise advice guru,
Help, help, help. And also, please help.
Okay, here is the backstory, in its most down and
dirty form. Girl meets Boy on dating website. Flirting
ensues. Three dates ensue, with several hours of
intense conversation each time and no intentional
physical contact. Boy tells Girl all manner of
personal, private things, plus that Boy terminated an
engagement with Ex nearly a year ago (personal, but
arguably not all that private). Boy sends Girl mixed
signals regarding his interest in her. Girl calls Boy
on mixed signals. Boy tells Girl, among other things,
“I’m not sure I should inflict myself on anyone right
now,” and “I like hanging out with you and talking to
you and I think I might be into you but I don’t know,”
and “It’s confusing in my head, too.”
Girl interprets this as “I’m just not that into you,”
even though Girl absolutely fucking hates that
book/the craze it has spawned, because that way Girl
can move on. Girl and Boy agree to continue hanging
out, since they enjoy one another’s company (read: get
along like a house on fire). Girl would like to move
on, and has met a few other boys (also other girls)
who would be willing to assist in the moving on
efforts.
Unfortunately, Girl cannot muster up any interest in
the otherwise-perfectly-appropriate boys (and girls)
willing to assist in the moving on efforts. Girl is,
to put it mildly, still hung up on Boy.
Here’s the question: Should Girl drop out of the
dating game until she gets her head screwed back on
properly? Should Girl quit hanging out with Boy until
she gets her head screwed back on properly?
Any virtual bitch-slappery you might have to offer
would be most appreciated.
Yours,
Girl (but I bet that was pretty clear)
Dear Good Thing I Was Sitting Down,
Boy is a head case. Girl says she would like to move on from said head case — and yet she hasn’t. Her stated reason is that she enjoys Boy’s company, but initially, she had hoped for more, and she is not letting that hope die.
Girl has enough friends already, probably, and Boy is not so much a friend as an unresolved issue that continues to compound itself every time he and Girl hang out. So, enough. Girl should stop spending time with him in order to make the impossibility of Things Working Out One Day real to herself; otherwise she will never truly move on.
Girl should also remember that, sadly, not everyone can be, or stay, “friends.” It is a sad fact of life, but a fact nonetheless, and sometimes letting go is best.
Dear Sars,
How can I stop a coworker from calling me by a nickname that I don’t
care for? It’s not insulting or anything; he just shortens my already
short name, and the syllable produced irritates me. If it were a friend
calling me this, I’d have no problem telling him to knock it off,
although I suspect I wouldn’t mind it so much coming from a friend.
So I guess my problem lies partially in the irritating nickname, and
partially in the overly familiar way in which my collegue addresses me
(and other women in the office, but I’ll let them write their own
letters).
Is there any polite way to ask him to knock it off (without sounding
like a supreme bitch), or should I just suck it up?
Signed,
It’s Suzy, not Suze
Dear Suzanne,
Of course there is. “Excuse me, coworker — I don’t mean to make you feel self-conscious or anything, but I really prefer to be called ‘Suzy,’ not ‘Suze.’ Thanks so much.”
You might have to remind him a few times, but just smile every time and thank him for understanding. I had to wean a family friend off calling me “Sally” this way, and it took a few weeks but it worked.
To the rest of you: If you’re introduced to someone whose name tends to lend itself to shortening or nicking, ask before you shorten it yourself. Not every Stephen is called, or wants to be called, “Steve,” so if you’re introduced to Stephen as “Stephen,” call him “Stephen” until told otherwise, or ask which he prefers. A lot of people don’t care (or, more accurately, just tolerate the Steve-ing because everyone has always done it), but not every David is a Dave and not every Elizabeth is a Liz, and it’s not a huge deal, but a person’s name is her first signifier, and people like their names said — and spelled — correctly. Better to err on the side of thoughtfulness than to assume that, say, my name is Sara. It’s a fine name, Sara, but it ain’t the one my parents picked out. H it up, baby.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
