I have a punctuation question for you and I don’t think I’ve
seen it addressed in my several years of reading The Vine. I have a
tiny little ‘blog and in it I’ve referred to myself as a ‘blogger.
Recently a reader asked me why I insist on using an apostrophe in
front of “‘blog” and “‘blogger.” He says they’re spelled “blog” and
“blogger.” My opinion? Since the words are derivations of “weblog”
and “weblogger,” the apostrophe is not incorrect, though it seems that
the non-apostrophe versions of the words have become the common
spellings. Ah, how I love the fluidity of the English language!

(I suppose one could make the case that I should be consistent and use
words like “‘phone” and “‘frig’,” but, unlike “‘blog,” those words
were pretty well established before even a stick-in-the-mud 38-year-old like me became cognizant of the finer points of word-shortening
[though even I’m not immune to the Buffy-ization of words]).

Anywho, what is your opinion, oh wise and wonderful Sars? Is the
apostrophe preceding “blog” okay? Or is it totally passe and time for
this old fogey to, as my my father would say in his teen years, “Get
with it, man!”?

Mucho thanks,
Apostrophe (and, apparently, Comma and Quotation Marks) Attached

First the obligatory back-story. I’m 26, doing a PhD (so I don’t meet many people at work -– libraries and archives aren’t conducive to hooking up) and living at home at the moment because I’m poor. This isn’t a problem as far as my home life goes –- I get on great with my parents, and like to spend time with them. And my rent and food is free. But I live about an hour and a half by public transport to my campus, where most of my friends live. A taxi home at night costs about $35. And I find myself being antisocial because it’s such an effort to get there, and it’s comfy at home. So at the moment, not meeting many people.

Also, I’ve put weight on in the last few years -– not a huge amount, but from about a size 2-4 at 17, I’ve gone up to a 6-8. And my confidence has just plummeted. I don’t know how to communicate with boys/men anymore. At least, not if I like them. If I don’t find them attractive, I can get on fine, but if I do, I get all weird, second-guessing everything I say, and analysing everything they say. And I’ve never ever asked out a bloke. When I was 18, I got a lot of attention from men. Like, lots. In the street, in clubs, wherever. And if I liked someone, pretty much all I had to do was make do a bit of flirting and they’d fall for it. Partly that was the fact that I had a lot of confidence, but also, I was slim, and 18. I’m not saying it always worked, but often enough, and it made me lazy and meant I didn’t have a great deal of respect for most blokes.

So now, I don’t know how to go about it -– I have no experience in chatting a bloke up. I mean, I still get chatted up, but I’ve kind of never developed the ability to tell if a bloke is interested if he isn’t actually asking me out. And I’m so scared of being knocked back (because no one could fancy me now I’m so fat) that I won’t try -– if a guy doesn’t make it obvious, I’m not going to go for it; but then I think –- “I’m trying really really hard to conceal the attraction, but what if they are doing the same thing?” And then get confused and have no idea what to do. Also, if a bloke I don’t like starts flirting with me, I’m not too good at that. I tend to rudely run away -– I can’t just ignore it and carry on a conversation; it tends to skeeve me out, and I don’t know how to deal with compliments from someone I don’t fancy, as I’m scared of giving mixed signals and encouraging them. And I’d hate to be having that effect on someone I like.

So, there’s a boy -– but he’s more of the symptom than the problem. We’ll call him John, I think. So, I like John. Quite a lot, in a “Don’t know him very well, but fancy him, and he makes me laugh.” That bit is one of the most important things -– we really seemed to have the same sense of humour. And I haven’t actually liked anyone that much in a while. That’s not saying I like him a lot –- just that for the last year or so I’ve met not one other person I would want to date. It’s been a slow year.

John works with, and is friends with Louise, my best friend. They’ve been friends for six months or so. Louise introduced us, knowing he was my type. But also said she likes him too. They go for drinks sometimes, and they sometimes cook for each other. So I said I’d back off –- I’d only just met him at this point, and if she liked him…well, I know it’s crude, but she has first dibs. She’s all “No, no, I don’t think he’s interested in me, we’ve known each other six months and he didn’t really respond when I came on to him. Plus he had a fling with one of my friends at work. So you feel free.” Great, except she gives out totally mixed messages.

Louise had a party this weekend, to which John came. Since I’ve only met him twice before, for short periods of time, I thought I might get a better opportunity at this party. I did talk to him a bit, and again with the making me laugh. But he didn’t seem to be especially interested -– he didn’t make an effort to talk to me if we were separated, he didn’t follow me around, he didn’t make “accidental” physical contact. But I didn’t do any of these things to him, either –- I spent a lot of the party giggling in a corner with my best (platonic) male friend, and the rest of the time trying to look disinterested. I’m not trying to play mind games; I’m just trying to avoid getting knocked back. But I watched him a lot, when he wasn’t looking, and never caught him staring at me –- not a good sign. And Louise spent a lot of time following him around, and draping herself on him. Not that he responded in any way (and since she likes him, wouldn’t something have happened at one of the cooking things if he liked her back. It’s been six months!). So I also didn’t want to get in a competition about it. She’s my best girl friend, after all, and strictly speaking, she saw him first.

Anyway, at 1-ish, he left to go clubbing. I happened to be near the door when Louise was showing him out -– she pulls me to one side, and says –- “Ask him for his number now. What have you got to lose?” But I was too scared. He kissed her goodnight, then turned to go, then turned back and kissed me goodnight, too, holding my hand while he did it. And that’s pretty much the only slim indication that the attraction isn’t one-sided -– I felt little sparks, but they could have just been coming from me. So then Louise gives me his phone number, and tells me I should text message him. At the same time, she tells me he drinks a lot, and she thinks he may do drugs. Though I hadn’t noticed him drinking a lot, but I wasn’t exactly counting. He certainly wasn’t drunk. But I didn’t text him. I wrote a text asking him if he wanted to go for a drink, was on the verge of sending it, then realised I was expecting an answer in the negative. So I chickened out. But I keep thinking, “What if we are both trying to be casual, and scared of rejection?”

Also, I’m going away to Europe for two months in four weeks’ time -– hardly the best time to start any kind of relationship –- wouldn’t it be better to wait and see if we hook up when I get back? Or is that just my excuse to avoid risking anything? And what if he hooks up with someone else before I get chance to ask him?

Anyway, Jesus, get to the point. By the time this is published (if it is), this current crisis will have passed. But from past form, it’s all too likely that something similar will happen again. So -– the questions. Finally. Should I contact him? Should I stop fearing rejection, and just do it? I’d probably never have to see him again –- but I’d feel shit, and I feel shit enough most of the time anyway. Should I leave it in this instance because my friend likes him too, even though she’s said I can try if I want, but ask someone out next time this occurs?

I’m sick of agonising about shit like this; I’m 26 and feel I should be past all these mind games. But I’m terrified of getting rejected. Especially, and this is stupid, since my friend likes him too –- I’d rather not compete than lose. What would you do, Sars? Should I just suck it up and deal with rejection, or avoid it at all costs? That’s what I feel I should do, but I’d rather do it with someone whom I thought did like me back. But then it wouldn’t be a risk, would it. It was so much easier at 18 when the way to tell if a guy liked you was whether or not he was drunkenly trying to kiss you!

I sometimes feel that I should see a therapist about my obvious inability to deal with men. But I don’t especially want to. When I was 19, I had to take time out from university due to depression, and had to see a therapist then -– but I only saw her twice, because any more than that, and it would go on my medical records, which might cause employment problems later on. I’ve also just got over another year long bout of depression (as in, just stopped being medicated). I had to take time out from my PhD this time. I’m sick of being sick, and I’m not sure that talking about things like this won’t churn it all up again. Also, I couldn’t afford therapy –- but do you think it would be worth trying to see a university counsellor? Or is what I feel normal?

Can’t Say One Word When Twenty Will Do

With eleven years to reflect on things, without new input
into the relationship, I’ve been turning over past details
in my mind, and I really honestly think she was sexually
abused in our childhood. She suffered from anorexia and
bulimia, she showed what I believe is clinically known as
“inappropriate for her age” interest in sexual matters (by
telling me way more than a ten-year-old should know about
orgasms). When she was about eight, she had recurring
bladder infections because she would refuse to go to the
bathroom and “hold it in.”

Like I said, not proof positive, but the preponderance of
evidence is compelling. I brought this up to my mother
(who was estranged from my sister even before I was) and
she didn’t want to consider it. (She asked if I thought
our father had done it, I said no, she said she didn’t
think it had happened, I dropped it.)

The reason that I’m writing is…in the past couple of
years my sister has reconciled with my mother (she and my
father remained in contact throughout the estrangement
with first my mother and then me) and they have a very
good relationship. My parents would really like me to
reconcile with my sister — when I feel like it and at my
own pace. We talked on the phone at Christmas and we both
agree that we would like to reconcile (although I didn’t
mention it before, we do have good memories of our
childhood together, and she seems to have grown into a
person I would choose to have a relationship with).

She is still married to the guy (I call him my BILe —
Brother-in-Law evil) but he does not appear to be abusing
her (either he stopped, he hides it really well [from the
eagle eye of a very overprotective mama] or he never did
and I read the signs wrong). She seems to be in a
relatively happy and healthy place.

The question: Should I ask her if she was sexually
abused, and if the answer is yes, offer my comfort and
sympathy? (Obviously not right away, but…) Would it
help her to hear years later that someone feels sick that
this happened to her? I mean, she’s responsible for her
own behavior and she projected a lot of her body issues
onto me, but so many of those issues could be related to
the (supposed) abuse. Would it hurt her more to bring it
back up? And what are the chances she will tell me the
truth (if it did happen, she’s hidden it for so long)?

Signed,
Sisterly

I work at a theater camp, and one of
the counselors is someone who I’ve worked with as an actor
in the past and who is married to one of my friends. I’ll
call him Bob. Anyway, Bob is one of those guys who is
so “secure in his manhood” that he thinks it’s uproariously
funny to say certain things in a lispy, limp-wristed,
stereotypically gay way, and it drives me up a wall.
Number one, I think it’s offensive. He’s reinforcing a
stereotype and making fun of gay people at the same time
(especially in an environment where he is very likely to
encounter the very people he’s making fun of). And number
two, it’s just annoying. It’s not funny and he does it too
much and bleh.

When I was in high school or college, I would have stepped
right in and started yelling at him about how offensive he
was being and how that needs to stop and my righteous anger
would have set the world aflame. However, in my post-
school, employed years I’ve mellowed a bit and realized
that it’s not always a good idea to get in a big, ideals-
inspired fight with someone you have to work with.

The
other thing is, in the past I was simply working with him
as his stage manager. I really was not in a place to
offend him, and overall, Bob’s a good guy. I don’t think
he realizes what he’s doing could be offensive. He’s
certainly not homophobic. The reason I’m writing to you
now is, I walked past his class the other day and realized
that he’s inspiring impressionable kids to do the same
thing! Him I could deal with, but watching an eight-year-
old tell a joke with an affected lisp because they want to
be like Bob…

So, Sars, what do I do? Take him aside and mention that it
bothers me (and potentially others) when he does that?
Mention something to the camp director (I am nowhere near
his boss in this situation — I’m not even a counselor)?
Forget about it because I’m a big over-sensitive freak?

Signed,
Damn Paycheck Made Me a Wuss

I’ve been reading Tomato Nation for many many moons,
and have watched and read as you have given advice to
many of us out here in cyberland…and now I need
your help. I may be being spineless, I may be being
shat on, I may just be overanalysing stuff (yeah, I do
that), but whatever it turns out to be, I would really
appreciate some advice.

I am currently having a problem with my friend, J. J
and I have been friends for, oh, about four years or so
since we met at
university. After a troublesome start (yep, I had a
crush on him) we eventually became really good friends
— good enough that the friendship survived him moving
away, then me moving away, and various other ups and
downs. We are both snarky little things who love
acting, films, cooking — it really is (was?) a pretty
good friendship. And for me, I really liked having a
guy who I was just friends with (at that point this
was a bit of a novelty with me — another issue,
another letter, I guess).

Anyways, here’s the thing.
In the last two months J has just stopped talking to
me. Completely. No phone calls, no letters, no
email, no visits, no text messages, nothing. I think
he’s just frozen me out, and I really don’t know why.

The thing is, since this has happened, a couple of our
mutual friends (S and B) have weighed in and basically
told me I am “too good” for J, and that I am better
off without him (this came out of left field at a
dinner party). When I enquired what this came down
to, they basically went all intenvention on me and
listed a variety of things J has done “wrong” in the
past couple of years (he made me cry, and not just
girly cry, at a friend’s engagement party; he has
shouted and thrown things at me in a fight — these
friends were next door at this point; he was verbally
abusive to a guy I was dating; he asked me to choose
him or one of my other friends, et cetera). At the
end of this “chat” their point was basically I would
not put with this behaviour if the person was my
boyfriend, why should I take this from a friend? I
don’t know whether I should take on their points or
chalk it up to their own agendas, but they both like
J, it seems unlikely they would lay into him for no
reason.

The thing is, there are other issues at play here.
J’s mum passed away when he was 17, and he has real
issues dealing with people (both he and his father are
really cold and sarcastic characters). So a couple of
years ago he began to confide in me, tell me all about
his mum, his hopes, his fears — I guess I became a
shoulder to cry on of sorts. I held his hand as he
dropped out of university, pissed around for a year
(his description, not mine), started another course…he’s kind of like the annoying little brother I never
had.

But now, nothing. What do I do, Sars? If he’s
calling time on the friendship, that’s his
prerogative, but it just seems to me he’s just walked
away and left me hanging, which I really don’t like
(that would be the overanalytical streak again). For
all the BS that has gone down, he can be a good and
generous friend, but I fear the die has been cast and
I don’t know what to do. Am I just being stupid? Am
I making excuses for him? Am I just a loser? I
honestly don’t know anymore. I have so many wonderful
friends, but truth be told I’m more than a little
pissed off that J seems to have dumped me and doesn’t
even feel the need to say anything. Am I being a
doormat? Is he being fair? (I know, what’s fair got
to do with it?) We currently live in different
cities, so it’s not like I can just schlep up bearing
baked goods and ask what the hell is up (more’s the
pity). Sad as it is, I’d like to think I deserve some
closure. And I’d like my cookbooks back.

I could really do with some outside perspective.

Many thanks, and much love to the cats,
Miss C and the grey tabby of doom