Hey Sars,

I have an ongoing dilemma for which I would like your advice and the advice
of your readers. I’m just overcoming life-long, slumping, cringing,
hair-in-the-face, shyness. When I’m around strangers, I tense up and feel
awkward. It’s getting better now, and I’m getting around a lot more, but I
feel like, growing up, I somehow missed out on important group meetings on
how to deal certain situations.

The big one is, how do you let a guy know that, while he seems nice enough,
you were just talking with him to cut the boredom while you waited for the
bus/had a drink/did your laundry, and have no romantic interest in him, and
don’t want to give him your phone number or have dinner or anything. This
just KILLS ME. Is there a way to let him know at the start? Change the
subject? What?

I know it’s always going to be awkward. I know you have to just bite the
bullet and tell him. I know there are no rules that work for everyone.
But, um, phrases? Words? Hand gestures?

Signed,
Little help?

Dear Help,

The best way to “let a guy know” you’re not interested, of course, is not to engage him at all. I imagine that you’re trying to work against your natural shyness by practicing talking to people, but if you’re bored at the laundromat? Bring a book. Chatting people up is fine, but if you don’t want to deal with unintended consequences, you should probably keep to yourself more.

The other option is to rehearse phrases like “I don’t think so,” “no thanks,” and “I’m not interested,” pairing them with a smile and resisting the urge to apologize or explain yourself further. Women are socialized to think that we’re supposed to be grateful for any male attention; this is not so, and you don’t have to act like it is (unless, of course, you feel like a guy is going to get really stroppy and offended, in which case you should follow your instincts re: your physical safety).

“Can I get your phone number?” “I don’t think so. …Excuse me.” Yeah, you can give him a wrong phone number, or pretend you have a boyfriend, but if a guy is going down the wrong road, a gentle but firm correction is best. Or just don’t talk to strangers at that much length, which is what I’d advise. A little friendly chit-chat is one thing, but if they’re all asking you out at the end of the interaction, maybe it’s time to tone that down.

Dear Sars,

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and never had any plans to have children. We enjoy kids, love our nieces, nephews and godchildren, but just didn’t want to take that road ourselves. This has been a bone of contention with many friends and all of our family (which is huge, tons of babies). Whenever we gave our reasons, they were blown off, and the issue was treated as if it was just some phase we would grow out of. I finally stopped answering the question, and started saying “I’ve been explaining it for years, but you weren’t listening. I’m not going to explain it any more.” We’ve been happy with this, and it finally deflected that question from many quarters.

The problem: We’re now in our middle thirties and unexpectedly pregnant (these things sometimes just happen). I want to know what I can possibly say to those who will lord it over our heads. I know I’m going to hear “We knew you’d change your mind.” Especially from my parents — the first thing I’m going to hear from them is “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Ack. Ugh.

Since we will love this child anyway, despite its unplanned conception, I don’t want to keep hammering the fact that it was an “accident.” But what can I say to those who have always told us that we didn’t know what was best for us, and that some “higher power” has now taken our “selfish decision” out of our hands? I haven’t had the energy to break the news yet.

Keeping unplanned love quiet

Dear Unplanned,

If your friends and family offer any comment besides sincere congratulations? Just don’t respond to it. Your parents: “The Lord blibbety gloat gloat blah.” You: “[blink.]” A family friend: “What did I tell you? I told you so!” You: “[blink.]”

This kind of harass-y social interaction about the reproductive lives of others is so goddamn obnoxious, I can’t even begin, but I don’t think you should lower yourself to pointing that out. Just sitting there with a mild expression on your face until they blow themselves out, get uncomfortable, and FINALLY congratulate you like they should have done 1) in the first place and 2) only is probably the best strategy. That, or pleasantly remarking that their comments didn’t sound like the word “congratulations,” but you assume that’s what they meant. Didn’t they. Yes…you thought so.

Then soak the lot of them for thousands via the baby registry. Heh.

Seriously, though — this behavior is quite rude. Don’t dignify it by responding. Wait for “we’re so happy for you!”, and respond to that and that alone.

Hi Sars:

I have been reading the recent series of articles in the Times about diabetes, which is reaching epidemic proportions in the city. What I learned is that many people walk around, with or without the knowledge that they have the disease, oblivious until something dramatic happens. Vision fails, a limb is lost, kidneys require dialysis, only after years of the body suffering through blood sugar peaks and valleys. Needless to say, these events have catastrophic results on public health care, as the people who suffer most are also the least likely to have adequate, or any, health insurance.

My assistant was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. She’s in her early 60s, obese, with high cholesterol and high blood pressure. She clearly has no idea what a big deal it is to have this disease. I hear her (the indignities of life in the modern office — only a flimsy cubicle wall separates us) on the phone with her buddies, laughing about how many medications she’s on. I also see her regularly eating donuts and other sugary, unhealthful foods. My dilemma — do I educate her that she has an urgent need to take her diabetes seriously, or just let her make her own mistakes — she’s a grown woman my mother’s age.

On the one hand, she costs the company money — many, many sick days (which I don’t entirely mind, as the poor quality of her work makes life more productive when she’s not here), the cost to all of us for increased insurance premiums. On the other hand, I don’t really want to take our relationship past “professional.” Other people have made the mistake of letting her vent, and I hear her regaling them with stories of her hemorrhoids, urinary tract infections, condo board catfights, terrible daughter, et cetera. In the past, I have held my tongue when I overheard her make a very bad decision while refinancing her mortgage because I just didn’t want to get involved. I knew if I opened up the door, I would never get rid of her.

Adding to the complexity of the dilemma is the fact that our company merged with another and she will be laid off soon (she knows this will happen). Her insurance will continue for approximately two months, after which time she’ll have to pay COBRA to continue coverage. I know she does not have the money to pay for COBRA, and I seriously doubt she will be able to find full-time employment with health benefits after she is laid off. If she starts taking better care of herself, she can perhaps stave off complications from her diabetes. Not only will she be healthier, but she will save Joe Q. Taxpayer some cash, as well.

What do I do? Speak up or shut up?

Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch

Dear Bunch,

Shut up, I think. She’s not a friend of yours, and she’s a grown woman. I think you’re motivated by two things here: the feeling that, if you say nothing, you’re then partially responsible for her inevitable decline; and the feeling that she “shouldn’t” be so stupid about her health. And these aren’t bad motivations, but it isn’t really appropriate to give voice to them to someone you don’t know all that well — and don’t wish to.

It’s her life, and unless you want to follow her around after she’s let go and make sure she’s not eating crullers, you’re better off wishing her the best and leaving it at that. Maybe, on her last day, you could pointedly wish her luck managing her diabetes, but beyond that, again, this isn’t your responsibility.

Sars,

For almost ten years, I have been best friends with a girl who I’ll
call Dee for the purposes of this letter. We’ve been through a lot
together — grad school, work hell, family illnesses, boyfriends and
exes — you name it, we’ve been there. Which is why I have mixed
feelings about this latest fight we’ve had — on the one hand, I think
she’s done something unforgiveable, but on the other hand, TEN YEARS,
you know?

For me, it all started about six months ago, when she introduced me to
Jay, a distant friend of her family whom I am now dating. (For her,
this rift apparently started in 1997, but that’s something I’ll get
into in more detail shortly.) Jay is a terrific guy who makes me
really happy. I spared Dee the gory details of our relationship, as
she has never been really interested in hearing too much about the
guys I date, but I was open about the fact that I was spending a lot
of time with him and having fun. She seemed to be perfectly fine with
this.

Last month, she called me up and asked me if I would come over on
Valentine’s Day for a little party she was having for all of our
single friends — a sort of anti-Valentine kind of thing. Well, Jay
and I had plans, of course. So I told her that I had other plans for
that evening and would not be able to make it. “With who?” she asked.

When I told her that I was going out to dinner with Jay, she went
berserk. First, she asked me if his mother knew about our date, which
just blew my mind, because Jay is 25 years old and does not need his
mommy to tell him who he can and cannot date. Then, she turned cold,
and said, “I don’t know what to say. You want me to tell you that
this is okay, but it’s not.” And then proceeded to completely change
the subject and talk about taking her cat to the vet, the annoying
thing her secretary did, and the new pair of shoes she bought, et cetera, refusing to explain to me exactly what she meant when she said
“it” wasn’t okay.

At first, I thought maybe she was disappointed because I would not be
able to attend her party. Then I thought that maybe she disapproved
of Jay, because he is younger than me (I am 30, by the way) and not
really fully established on his career track. I spent a couple days
cooling off and racking my brain trying to figure out what her problem
was.

Then I got a phone call from Jay’s mother, asking me if everything was
okay between Dee and me, which of course it was not, but I played it
off as a little spat and did not go into details. But Jay’s mother
wanted to talk about it — she was confused and upset by a cryptic
phone call she got from Dee, basically warning her that it would not
be a good idea for me to date her son, because I have a track record
of being a horrible girlfriend. Jay’s mother then assured me that she
had absolutely no problem with me dating Jay, and in fact thought I
was a positive influence on him. I apologized profusely to her,
because I thought it was unfair that she should be dragged into the
middle of Dee’s drama.

Anyway, I was pretty livid after that phone call, so I more
aggressively tracked Dee down to figure out what her problem was with
me. And it turns out that Dee thinks that I am “a disgusting tramp
who uses up men and discards them like snotty tissues.” To support
this contention, she cited incidents which allegedly occurred as far
back as 1997, and claims that I slept with people she was interested
in, people who I can assure you that I most certainly did not engage
in any type of sexual activity with. And even if I had slept with
them, she NEVER once expressed any interest in these men WHATSOEVER.
In fact, she talked many of them down and used to call one of them
“Loser Larry.”

She also frequently treats Jay like a child and has made no indication
that she has any kind of interest in him. Perhaps she thinks of him
as more of a kid brother or cousin or something, and is being
protective of him, though Jay assures me that before she introduced us
this summer, he hadn’t spoken to her in six years and he does not
consider her to be a close friend or “family” in any way.

Anyway, I responded to Dee by saying that if that is the kind of
person she thinks that I am, then why did she even pretend to be
friends with me for ten years? What kind of friendship did we have if
she was sitting there thinking I was some kind of whore for YEARS and
never once indicated that my behavior was upsetting or hurting her? I
have better things to do with my time than to continuing wasting it on
someone who clearly doesn’t respect me as a human being, but then goes
through the elaborate charade of pretending that she does.

And now, finally the question: Am I overreacting? Dee thinks I’ve
overreacted in the hugest possible way, saying that she loves me, but
this is just one aspect of my personality that she has grave concerns
about, and that true friends don’t always tell you what you want to
hear about yourself. I think that I’m reacting in exactly the right
way, but I’m too emotionally invested in this to be rational or
objective about the way I’m handling her wild and outrageous
accusations.

Am I being melodramatic or childish or martyrific by cutting my losses
and moving on with my life — without her in it?

Thanks for your advice —
The Terrible Girlfriend

Dear Girl,

No, you’re not. Dee is…crazy, I’m afraid, and I know you have a long history with her, but some things can’t be made up for, and her line about how she’s “just being honest” and “has grave concerns”? Horseshit. Yes, “true friends” sometimes have to tell you some shit you don’t want to hear, but 1) they don’t put it in such a way that you feel like shit, and 2) they don’t call up your boyfriend’s goddamn mother and tell her first.

I don’t know what her problem is, but it doesn’t matter, and it shouldn’t matter to you, either — reasons for behavior aren’t excuses. She crossed about six different lines with this behavior. Wash your hands of her.

Dear Sars:

My sister-in-law is a complete bitch.

There is no way on earth to soften this. I’ve tried,
God knows I’ve tried, to accept her behavior and
explain away our differences: “She’s just
strong-willed,” “She’s just high-strung,” “She’s not
Southern,” et cetera. It never works, and worse yet, it
seems to reinforce her bitchiness if I go along to get
along. There are really no familial consequences for
her obnoxiousness because she is the Mother of the
Grandchildren: any time anyone says something that she
finds annoying or irritating, she whisks the little
ones away and holes up with them until the offender
has grovelled enough to be welcomed back into her good
graces. This backfired with me: it got me out of
baby-sitting duties and once she figured that out,
she’s been indulging in one hell of a sulk.

Usually, none of this would be more than mightily
irritating, and what else can you expect from your
family? However, there has recently been some drama
and I don’t know if I can move past it where she is
concerned.

I had a falling-out with my brother about ten months
ago. It happened before Katrina, so when we had
relatives arrive here to sit out the storm (and then
wound up providing them with temporary homes), we all
acted like things were fine (but “fine” with clenched
teeth). My brother and I entered into an unspoken
truce and were waiting to get back to the regularly
scheduled programming of Our Falling-Out while our
relatives dealt with their worlds falling apart. In
the midst of all of this, my sister-in-law decided to
punish me for falling out with her husband by publicly
dis-inviting me to my niece’s baptism, and telling
everyone, via mouth and keyboard, why she felt that I
needed to be dis-invited (apparently, she felt I
couldn’t “control” myself around my brother — what’s
interesting is that our falling out had everything do
with his toxic habit of emotional explosiveness).
Seriously — I got several emails and phone calls from
people asking, “Did you know that your sister-in-law
is insane?”

It was an extremely shitty move, so much so that even
as my brother and I work tentatively to patch things
up, I cannot bear to be around her. For once, no one
is asking me to be the bigger person with her. I’ve
made it clear to everyone that I expect an apology,
and she’s made it equally clear that she has no
intention of doing so (she also whisked her children
away from my mother when Mom told her she was acting
like an ass).

Since all of this, I’ve become engaged. It’s going to
be a fairly big do, and I’m excited — who wouldn’t be?
She made it clear early on that she expected to play
a very big role in my wedding: she has offered all
sorts of “advice” and has talked about her children’s
roles (ringbearers and flower girl). I don’t care for
her suggestions, the groom and I are only having one
attendant each (and I NEVER considered her as my maid
of honor, not even for one nanosecond), but this is
all beside the point…WHAT THE HELL? The fact that
she assumes that she’s even invited after her
disgusting little stunt is galling enough, but the
fact that she is trying to insert herself in my
wedding…my mother told my brother how unhappy
everyone was with his wife over this issue, but he’s a
loyal husband and refuses to even talk to her about
it.

What do I do? I’m not budging on having her kids in
the wedding (I can get away with it because I’m having
a child-free wedding anyway) much less taking any of
her so-called advice, but having HER there…my
parents are paying for the wedding so I have to abide
by their wishes and I know that they will want
everyone there playing happy families. That would be
fine under normal circumstances, but these most
definitely are not normal circumstances. I’ll
probably just have to suck it up, and I am thrilled to
be marrying the man I love regardless, so how do I
restrain myself from smacking her senseless with my
bouquet, tossing champagne in her face and having
security toss her from the reception?

Sincerely,
Goin’ to the Chapel

Dear Chap,

Generally speaking, when it comes to wedding planning, I think it’s important to identify the four or five things you really care about, and everything else, you have to make a concerted effort not to get in a twist over. You get a great dress, you arrange for food you like, whatever your priorities are — and everything else is just not grounds for exhausted tears or fights or any of that.

I mention this because, when it comes specifically to weddings where parents are helping to pay, I think you have to make them aware up front of the things that are important to you, and to have a frank discussion where everyone talks about the aspects which they feel are not negotiable. And it’s at that time that you really have to say, look, we really appreciate your help and we want the wedding to be something everyone is happy with…but there are certain things we’re not going to budge on, and if you’re not okay with that, we might have to rethink this arrangement.

It’s probably a little late for this discussion, but I think that in this case, you have to make the strongest possible case for not inviting your sister-in-law at all, reminding your parents that it’s a wedding, not a diplomatic summit, and forcing people who hate each other to get along on what’s supposed to be a happy day is not the purpose of the occasion. If their first reaction is, “We’re paying, we decide who’s invited,” you might want to call that bluff, but if you choose not to do that, make it very clear that, if she is present, you will not speak to her, you will not include her in anything — the ceremony, the pictures, what have you — and they are expected to abide by that and manage her themselves. If they want her to attend, she is their responsibility; you will have nothing to do with her, and that is not negotiable.

But take a strong position, and defend it, because your parents need to see that there is a price attached to including a universally despised “family member” in the occasion, and that maybe they shouldn’t be quite so willing to pay it.

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