The Vine: March 9, 2011
I got home from a vacation with friends a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been wondering on and off about my mental state since then.
I’d really been looking forward to this trip ever since it was planned, but at the same time, I felt this weird low-grade anxiety about it. I like the people I was going to be spending time with, I knew the directions to her place, we were going to have a fun time.
I carpooled up with some friends, had a great drive up, and as soon as I got settled into friend’s living room, I looked at my watch and I remember thinking to myself, “Okay, just two and a half days until you can go home! Just a little over 48 hours, and you’ll be home again.” I kept doing that all weekend long, wishing I was home and counting down the hours — and eventually the minutes! — until I could leave.
I’ve felt anxiety about traveling before, but usually it was anxiety about flying, which seems, if not exactly normal, a little more understandable. Except that over the last couple of years, I have felt more anxious about when I can be home again. It’s not so bad at work, and I don’t notice it when I’m out running errands, but if I’m away from home for more a few hours, I start paying close attention to being home.
I am currently being treated for anxiety/depression issues, and other than this problem, I genuinely feel that the medication I’m on is making a difference in my symptoms.
So, I’m interested in your thoughts on this, Sars (and fellow Tomato Nation fans, if you put my question online) — is this normal? If not, should I look into seeing a psychologist for help, or maybe talk to the doctor who prescribes my medication? I’d really like to just sit back and enjoy myself when I’m away from home.
Potential Agoraphobic
Dear Po,
Yes, I would mention it to your doctor, and ask for a referral to a psychologist. The pattern of thinking you’ve described sounds obsessive to me, and it also sounds like it’s linked to the anxiety — and it’s great that you’ve found a medication that’s helping, but if you don’t pair that with talk therapy, you may not get at the root of the anxiety and depression, so it’ll just come back up through a different crack in the sidewalk. (Sorry for that tortured simile.)
As for whether it’s “normal”…I don’t think it’s uncommon, certainly, and I don’t think you’d have any trouble addressing it, as far as a trained counselor recognizing what’s going on and knowing how to help you. Don’t worry too much about “normal”; worry about “awesome” instead. Feeling worried about traveling, checking your watch to see how much longer you’ll have to endure a “fun” trip or activity — that’s not awesome. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but do try to find a therapist who can give you a hand with it, and see what happens.
Tags: health and beauty
That’s not normal, unless you were having a terrible time (aside from the anxiety). I’m a bit of a homebody, but when I’m away and enjoying myself I hate how fast the time goes by. I’ve never counted down hours and minutes, even when I was on a dismal trip. Definitely speak to your doctor or therapist about it.
“Don’t worry too much about “normal”; worry about “awesome” instead.”
That is the best advice I’ve ever seen.
A few years ago I found myself totally dreading a trip with friends. Like, almost panicky about it. Like, if I could have come up with *any* sensible reason for going, I probably wouldn’t have gone. Unlike you, I did feel a lot better about it once I was there, and I didn’t end up counting down minutes or anything, though it wasn’t a particularly relaxing vacation for me. Now, that vacation was with two fairly dysfunctional couples who have since divorced and a guy who ended up coming out of the closet about a year later. So maybe I was not completely insane to feel anxious – there was some weird tension in that suite for sure.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, you’re not the only person who experiences dread at things that seem like they ought to be fun. But you don’t want to feel that way, and therapy may well help you learn to interrupt those feelings and thought patterns when you see them coming, so give it a try. A lot of people recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for the kind of thing you’re experiencing.
People with anxiety sometimes have anxiety about anything that’s different from what they’re used to. Any change in routine can be enough to bring up those anxious feelings. You may have inadvertently helped yourself by getting away from your home and routine. If you keep it up, eventually your brain will realize that doing something different isn’t a big deal.
Also, even though you’re on medication for anxiety, meds don’t always help every symptom. It may be helping with day-to-day anxiety and not situations you don’t come across as often.
This is great advice. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, PO, from your letter it seems like you are on a great path to handling any problems you have, like anxiety and depression.
Talking to someone else about problems like obsessing over things always helps me, and I do think what you’re experiencing is a normal aspect of anxiety. Please try not to worry about what’s “normal” or “not normal,” that varies for everyone, and it is possible to have a good time but also be preoccupied with other thoughts.
Breathing exercises and physical activities like taking a walk can help in the short term as well if you start feeling overwhelmed.
Might be worth keeping in mind: agoraphobia also sits with OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, and all of those anxiety-related mental health problems, and it disproportionately affects women. They all exist on a spectrum, so I’m not trying to say that you have agoraphobia (it doesn’t sound like it to me, but I’m not a doctor). But it does send up a little red flag to me, and I agree with Sars that you should bring it up with a professional.
@Candace: I second that. Normal’s a difficult concept for me to even visualize, but awesome? I always know what would be awesome.
This may be linked to your anxiety, but it also may have a root or two in depressive issues.
I know that at times I actually dread being happy: not because I don’t like happiness itself but because my mind starts on the track of “Being happy makes it worse when the [cause of happiness] ends and you crash back down where you normally are and have to get used to it all over again, better to just stay here at your “normal” state than go through all that.”
I don’t know if that rings any bells for you, but if it does, definitely talk to your doc.
@Potential,
I wonder if there are any reasons at home to be anxious to get back. For example, I’ve had problems with my old house (leaks) that made it very difficult for me to spend time away in bad weather. Also, chronically ill pets that would suffer if I didn’t get home in time to give their medicine on schedule. And further back, an antisocial, miserable husband who made me “pay” for every minute of fun I had away from home, and the longer I was gone, the worse the return home would be. Most of those situations have been addressed: I still live in the old house but the roof is repaired, I still have to medicate a cat but it’s hyperthyroidism and not diabetes, I got a divorce form the s.o.b. Now I can relax and enjoy myself.
If I were you I would definitely talk to a counselor or anyone who could take a clear view of the entire situation and give good feedback. Good luck!
I’m a counter. I admit it. I have low-level anxiety (no meds but therapy) and I do the countdown when I travel. It’s a control thing for me and the more relaxed I am when I’m away, the less I find myself counting down. But no matter the trip, I can probably tell you how many hours until I’m home. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but it sounds as if Po is addressing the issues.
I’ve traveled regularly, visited friends and family, and I’m still counting on most trips. I don’t travel less because of it. I’m not saying that others should do it, but if Po has anxiety and a little trick like that can calm her, I’d say it’s pretty harmless. It shouldn’t take over (and I think that’s what Po is a bit worried about), so do what you can to keep it in check.
Are there things that make you especially anxious about travel/being away from home? I know that I worry about my cat and that something may go very wrong (pipes explode, that kind of thing) when I’m away. I now have an awesome cat sitter who stops by once a day and that calms some of my issues.
I would say, yes, look into it, do what you can, but don’t beat yourself up if you happen to look at the clock when you’re on vacation and think “oh, I’ll be home in 36 hours!”
Did I write this and just not remember it?!
Wow, Po, I don’t have the anxiety [or at least it’s not diagnosed], and I don’t do the countdown thing … I’m just a hermit. Going to see friends (in town or not), getting together with family, doing anything other than what the French call “métro-boulot-dodo” [essentially, travel [to work], work, sleep) — I avoid all of it. Don’t mind going to work [although it’s a pain to get there and once I AM there … but I know that this too shall pass — in another 10 hours] but getting home and piling up on the couch to watch TV or in bed to read: that’s the goal.
Gotta find me a shrink too [the (excellent) last one I had refused to move back home with me, darn her]. But it’s … well, not nice, exactly, but comforting to know I’m not that unusual.
I know exactly the feeling you describe. Last year I went through some bad times (mainly relationship-related)which lead to a diagnosis of clinical depression. Like you, the medication I was prescribed seemed to help my immediate symptoms. However, after a while, every time I went out with friends or went away for a weekend, even when I was enjoying myself, I was watching the clock to see when I could reasonably leave. It was like I only felt completely relaxed when I could get home and put my PJs on. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been seeing a therapist and it’s really helped, but some nights out still provoke the same response. What I’ve learnt is to not worry abut worrying, and to listen to what my mind and body are telling me – both when I’m happy and when I’m not. I’m now feeling confident enough to plan a long holiday. So I completely agree with the advice – talk to someone qualified, and don’t feel that you’re in any way ‘abnormal’ for having these thoughts.
As someone who has been treated for the same issues, has been on meds for the past 8 years, and had a flashback while reading your experience:
How long have you been taking the medication? It took me several months – and I felt much better the whole time, but I still had to take it slowly! – before I felt able to travel at all, never mind go away for a weekend. If you only started recently, it may take time before you really settle down and relax. I know this from experience, obviously.
Also, when you’re dealing with anxiety disorder/issues, even while you’re dealing with it you can have periods where being out of your familiar environment is extremely unnerving. It’s a day to day process, and it takes time. I once refused to even take a day trip with family friends I’d known all my life because I wasn’t ready to be in a car that long. Now I’m fine.
There is also the possibility that the medication you’re on may need to be tweaked – and that’s something to discuss with your doctor. It wouldn’t hurt to consider seeing a psychiatrist, too, because they can also help you along the road to learning to live with anxiety issues.
I went through it myself, and it’s hard, but you can get through it. These “bumps on the road” can be part of the process. I wish you well!!! :)
My Dad, on the evening of a big out-of-town trip, got an intussusception and required emergency abdominal surgery.
We all joked about it being “classic avoidance behavior”.
I was about to say “sounds perfectly normal to me,” until I remembered that I’ve had depression and anxiety disorder for most of my life, and therefore my standards of “normal” are… well, not normal.
So yes, I would look into talk therapy, and I’m a little surprised that whoever’s prescribing for you hasn’t suggested it. They don’t require you to get therapy when you’re on meds, but they really like it if you take an initial course, at least.
The thing about mood/anxiety disorders is that the physical symptoms and mood changes lead you into certain thought patterns, which then feed into/bring on the physical symptoms. Here’s one of mine that starts with a natural concern: What if I have an anxiety attack while I’m out with my friends?
Which leads to: God I hate freaking out. What if just being someplace different makes me freak out? I freak out too much as it is when I’m just dealing with normal shit because I’m a STUPID WIMP, there’s no way I can deal with being away from home for TWO WHOLE DAYS, God I hate this why is this even my LIFE, oh God what if something happens that I could maybe deal with here but not there and I freak out and everybody SEES me freak out and —
— and then I’m freaking out and I haven’t even left home yet.
This is the kind of thing I’m working on in therapy: identifying those thought patterns when they start, and talking myself down from them. The important thing, as I’m learning, is not to beat yourself up over having these thoughts, because then you start with the self-judgment and that never helps. It’s more about acknowledging and understanding what’s going on, without hating on yourself for it.
I was actually in a very similar situation recently…I went to visit friends all over New York for spring break and kept counting down the hours (and even started tearing up when I drove past the exit for my house). I also have some anxiety issues, but I think what it really came down to was exhaustion; I’d been working like crazy all week on mid-terms, I woke up at 4 AM to drive up to New York, and I was doing it by myself. While I think that anxiety was a part of it, it was probably mostly that I was just really, really tired. That might be a part of it for you as well.
In the great tradition of projecting our own issues onto the letter, something to just think about for a bit, quietly and to yourself:
Is this sort of trip actually fun for you? Or do you just think it’s supposed to be fun because it’s a vacation with friends?
@IS: perhaps it’s projection, but it’s also a good theory, and if applicable, I want Po to know s/he is not alone. I love my friends, and I love travel, but the thought of combining the two gives me hives. It’s just not everyone’s preference, and for that alone, I see no need for a diagnosis. As long as Po is taking care of the main issues, the specific problem in this letter doesn’t send up any red flags to me.
This question resonated with me, mostly because I seem to be on the **opposite** end of Po’s time-awareness spectrum: When I go on vacation – which is truly not very often – I, too, find myself counting down every day that passes. Like Po, my first thought in the morning is, more often than not, how many days and nights remain until I depart for home.
However, I find myself becoming increasingly morose as the days tick by. By the time I hit a point at which the days remaining can be prefaced with the word “only” (e.g., “only three days left”) I am downright melancholy. Not all the time, but more than I think is (here comes that word again) “normal”. Despite my best efforts to just freaking enjoy the time I’m wherever I am, doing whatever I’m doing *in the moment*, I get locked into my little head-tally, and it really makes it difficult to do the check-out/decompress/relax things that other people seem to do when they’re away.
And yes, I also suffer from clinical anxiety/depression and yep, I’m on meds as well. And while there are stressors that do await me back at home, I never totally escape those anyhow, and this count-down thing seems to be something that goes beyond any semblance of aversion to “real life”. It’s just … weird.
Do any of you who aren’t in Po’s situation find yourselves keeping this type of a running “time remaining” tally? How do those of you who are able to just “stay in the moment” and enjoy your time away manage to do that?? Am I just wired stupidly or something?
@50 is the new 35: Damn, I don’t know. I think there’s no real simple answer to this question, and if I knew, I’d write a book and/or make my fortune, for sure.
I think there’s something there about mindfulness, and learning to be in the present. It’s a journey that I’m on. Here is a beautiful beach; here are the waves; I feel the sun on my skin. I feel content from having recently eaten. I just sit with those feelings. Practical things that help, I think, are very simple meditation techniques around being aware of your breath and breathing in deeply, staying away from clocks and calendars (take off your watch, turn off the cell), and in fact, getting away from stimulation entirely at times – sit down somewhere without any company, without a book, without any crutches or attention-diverting devices, and re-teach yourself to just dream. Spending time with animals or in nature seems to help. I love to be close to the sea; something about the timelessness of it really works for me.
At the moment, I’m working on being more present in my body as a way to move away from negative thought patterns in my head. Cognitive behavioural therapy is another approach to short-circuiting and re-tracking the thought patterns.
As soon as I saw the phrase “weird low-grade anxiety,” I immediately thought of Dysthymia, which is a condition that I have (as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I’m on an SSRI, which made an impressive improvement in my symptoms — enough so that I only want to see a therapist about three or four times a year (!) … and that’s a very, very big improvement.
So, if you’re NOT on an SSRI, consider switching. Maybe you’re on spot-anxiety meds like Xanax, which will *really not be enough* on its own, or you could also be on what I would consider a non-anxiety (depression-only) medication like Wellbutrin.
I haven’t really talked about what Dysthymia is, but it’s almost exactly what you said: it’s low-grade depression. Plus, medications generally don’t work as well for this type of depression.
Anyway, NO this is NOT normal; you should be able to enjoy things which you were looking forward to doing. That doesn’t mean you don’t get homesick — you might, in fact, you probably will. But, you NEED to be able to compartmentalize that. Take a moment here and there to feel sad and homesick, and then go back to having fun or at least focusing on what you’re doing instead of your watch. People who count down the minutes to when they are free almost always HATE what they are doing. Unless you’re hideously bored or not having any fun, you shouldn’t be doing that. It’s fine to think “oh hey, this is my last day here” (etc) a couple times, but it being a constant thought is a problem.
As someone currently in therapy for anxiety issues, I have to say I really personally appreciated the “Don’t worry too much about “normal”; worry about “awesome” instead.” line today.
To the poster–therapy can really be a tremendous boon to dealing with these things! If the first therapist you find isn’t a great match, don’t hesitate in trying to find one you have better chemistry with. And…good luck!