I’ve got a situation that I could really use an
outside and non-involved opinion on. About three and a
half years ago I ran across a girl online (let’s call
her “Lauren”) through mutual friends. Things started off
neutral enough, but after a while we got to be fairly
good friends. In April of that year I flew out to
visit the mutual friends and ended up hanging out with
her as well. Short version is that we really clicked.
Not exactly in a sexual or even a relationship kind of
way, but after the visit we were the best of friends
and couldn’t get much closer.

Later on in the year, about two years ago, I was looking
to move away from my home town of Albuquerque and
decided that moving out to southwest Missouri where
Lauren and our other friends were wouldn’t be a bad
idea. So I moved out there, and for about a year things
were going really well between us. We spent a ton of
time together, I got virtually adopted into her family
as a big brother, and we were both helping each other
out through tough spots in our respective lives. Then
things went a little sour. There were some arguments
between us, some broken promises and blow-offs, and
generally things were a bit ugly for a while. We
worked through it all, but things weren’t quite like
they were before.

Earlier this year, I decided to move back to
Albuquerque. I wanted to get back into school, get
treatment for my depression and other physical
problems, and generally get my life back on track in a
way that I didn’t think I could living while living in
Missouri. Lauren and I agreed that perhaps my moving
away would provide the space necessary to allow our
friendship to return to the level that it was before.

So I moved back to Albuquerque. And I made a conscious
decision to back off and not call, IM, or email her a
lot. I’d email once or twice a week, occasionally
three times, and I’d call maybe every week and a half
or two weeks. For a couple of months things seemed to
go okay. Then all of a sudden things changed. She
wouldn’t answer my emails, and she shrugged me off as
soon as she could when I called, if she’d answer at
all. I didn’t do anything I think was wrong, so I was
(I think understandably) a bit upset at the blow-offs.
So I sent an ill-advised and somewhat angry email
asking why the hell she’s been blatantly avoiding me.
Another argument insued, but again we seemed to get
through it and agreed that we still would like to be
friends.

Which finally brings me to the point of this whole
rambling mess. Lauren has been gone to Germany for
several months, and though she’s had the opportunity to
email me and keep in touch, she hasn’t made any effort
to do so. I’ve got the feeling that, whatever her
protestations to the contrary, she doesn’t want to try
all that hard to remain friends. There’s been no
formal declarations to that end, so the patient is
still breathing but the heartbeat is weak and the
breathing is labored. Should I try and keep touch with
her and risk the ups and downs that have come with it
recently? Or should I just let the past be the past
and allow things die peacefully? If this hadn’t been
such a close and important friendship, I wouldn’t have
so much trouble deciding, but it was, so it is. I look
forward to your opinions and/or well-intended slap
upside the head.

Signed,
No Witty Pseudonym

I enjoy your advice column very much and particularly appreciate your no BS approach to offering solutions. I usually am very straightforward as well, but lately I’m experiencing a bit of a dilemma.

Long story short: A couple my husband and I are close with were recently divorced. We made an effort to stay friends with both (and never chose sides), but “Dave” decided to break off contact with us completely. We’ve remained friends with “Cindy.”

I recently found out through the grapevine (but from multiple reliable sources) that Dave moved away and married a woman he had been “friends” with during the time he was married to Cindy. This new marriage took place only two months after the divorce from Cindy was final. He was living with the new woman during their separation.

Cindy knows none of this.

My dilemma is whether to tell Cindy about Dave’s new marriage. She and I are close, and I know the news will break her heart. Not telling her is risky, because so many people know about it — I’d hate to have her hear about it from someone else (for example, after too many drinks at a cookout or some such “slip of the tongue”). I think she would feel betrayed knowing that I kept the info from her even though it was to save her heartache.

Do I protect her and keep quiet? Or do I tell her and hope she can take the news?

Thanks for your advice.

Trying to be a good friend

I couldn’t sleep and it’s too early to take a shower, so I found myself
reading your archives. Then it dawned: Hey! Get some reflected fame and
ask your own question!

I share an apartment with my best friend/former dorm mate. We got along
great, and sometimes, we still do. Except, of course, I’m constantly
pissed at her.

This actually goes back two years. Around Christmas 2001, we had a
fight. Now, I instigated it, and I apologized. But for three days, she
did not speak to me. It was ridiculous. It went beyond the fifth-grade
not-talking-to-you bullshit and into the “you don’t exist” thing. The
end of it was me groveling and begging her not to hate me for the rest
of my life — and in doing so, I handed her a weapon she has used
liberally ever since.

Flash forward. Two more major arguments ending with the not-speaking
treatment. I am given hell for not cleaning, for using cleaning
chemicals while Roommate is in the house, for hanging out with other
friends too much, for wanting to go out with Roommate, for not studying,
for studying too much, for being too loud, for being too quiet. And I am
getting pissed. I do not bring up these issues when I am angry, because
I do not want to yell. I try to have a rational conversation. Nope.
Cannot be done. Either Roommate blinks and says, “I never said that!” or
she gets pissed, storms off, and slams doors.

Latest argument. I’m “talking down to her” and treating her like a
child, and, she says, she thinks I do it on purpose. So, she’s going to
make fun of some of my physical characteristics that bother me (as in, I
have needed hospitalization for the depression that these
characteristics and my vanity bring me). Roommate doesn’t “trust me anymore.”

I am hurt, but now I’m more pissed. I’ve been told by other friends that
I tend to overanalyze what I say, that I can be annoying because I am so
careful about when, how, and what I say, that I apologize too much and
let people run over me. Roommate is the only one who has told me that
I’m, well, a bitch. What she said this last time made me sick, and even
though it was weeks ago — I haven’t gotten over it. It’s keeping me
awake at night.

I don’t know what to do. Do I try to bring this up to her again, and
face another door-slamming argument or denial of the entire incident? Do
I let it slide and try to keep the peace again? Do I blow up and tell
her I feel likewise? Help, please!

Former Best, Now Bitch, Friend

About eight months ago my husband ‘fessed up — he had been cheating on me, gotten someone pregnant, and didn’t want to be married anymore. Since we were living in Europe, it wasn’t simply a matter of running home for the expected round of he-is-such-a-dick, and in the meantime I ended up meeting Someone Else. SE was also going home, but to a city halfway across the country from where my loving friends and family were waiting to commiserate with me. I moved in with SE when I returned to the States. (O tasty tasty Taco Bell! I will never leave you again!)

At the time I made these decisions, I was panicky with rejection and failure, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get incredibly lucky. SE is smart, funny, motivated, sexy, and loyal. Unfortunately, he’s beginning to get those eyes, and I’m not ready for that. I’m over my husband — he’s an easy person to get over — but I haven’t gotten out of the starter marriage yet. I haven’t made any good friends, and so don’t have a hiding place when I need it. I’ve thought about moving out, but I don’t want to put any major dings in this shiny new relationship.

This is not a person that should be released into the wild again. I think I’ll eventually be able to meet him halfway, but in the meanwhile I just need a little breathing room. I know that it’s time for a talk, but for once in my life I’m finding myself tongue-tied. Have you seen Chicago? I felt deeply connected to Renee Zellweger in that scene where Richard Gere uses her as a ventriloquist’s dummy. Although the idea of Richard Gere’s hand gives me the heebie jeebies. Ew.

Oh, and something else…I’ve been having these dreams lately. They always feature my soon-to-be ex, and he’s always coming back a-beggin’. The worst part of it is that in the dreams, I’m happy to see him. If my subconscious mind is trying to tell me I’m still in love, I need to send it a memo that the guy is not much more than a spinal column with hands.

So, what do you think? Am I harboring a deep-seated desire for my ex based on a rocky childhood and a need to be loved by everybody around me, which incidentally is interfering with my current relationship, or do I just want to see the dickhead crawl?

Should Have Listened To My Mom, She’s Always Right

Please explain to me (using technical terms and whatnot) why “if” takes “were” — as in: “If I were really rich, I could buy a disturbing amount of bagels.” I know that it is so, but a friend of mine challenged me on it and I couldn’t explain why. And come to think of it, I’d like to know the reason, too.

Thanks,
Sharing your knowledge only gains you immortality if you can share it in a coherent sentence