Sars,

This is a simple one­- where does a V.D.-free guy with no ostensible sores go to meet women looking for real love (to quote Michael McDonald) in this big bad city of ours? Clubs are drug-laden meat markets; bars are warrens for lecherous opportunists; the workplace…well, the ol’ job is just not a good place to go pumpkin picking.

Is there some secret place where the women are forthright and honest? So many women offer a litany of requirements for their ideal man, and when you (by “you,” I mean “me”) try to show them that you (again, “me”) fit each and every one, they still aren’t interested. Okay, so maybe that point is neither here nor there.

The way I see it, there must be a huge town meeting somewhere deep in a catacomb under Alphabet City every Wednesday where all the “good ones” get together, and I’m just not invited to mingle. How can I network properly in post-anthrax, post-apocalypse Manhattan?

Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope.

Sincerely,
Quoting Michael McDonald

Dear Sars,

I’m trying to figure out what to do regarding my grandmother and generally screwed-up family.I haven’t had any contact with my parents for several years.My father is an alcoholic who likes to get drunk and hit things, including me.The last time I was at their house, he hit me so hard that I rebounded off a wall.I pretty much decided that was all I needed from him and, as my mother defends his actions, I don’t really need anything from her.

My problem is that my grandmother is now in a nursing home, and they don’t expect her to live much longer.My grandmother was the one person in my life who always loved and supported me, including sending me $20 a month when I was in college and she was still working in a factory.Her home was a safe place for me, and I love her more than anyone else I’ve known.When she passes, I can’t imagine not being at her funeral.My parents will be there, but my husband could come with me to make sure I would be physically safe.The rest of my extended family doesn’t know why I cut off contact with my family, and I think my parents have told them that I’m mentally ill or something, so I’d have to deal with their perceptions too.

I was thinking that I could have my own ceremony at my house and remember her that way, but I don’t know if that would really help me say goodbye the way I want to.She has dementia now and doesn’t know who I am when I call, so saying goodbye is really important to me.

Any thoughts on what I should do?

Loving my Nana

Hi.

About a month ago, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. It wasn’t the break-up that angered me — it was that I had been waiting for first semester to be over, because she claimed she “would have more time.”

The semester ends, and she tells me it’s not working. Fine. She feels like we’ve drifted apart. (What was I supposed to do?) Worst timing possible? Yes. Did she break my heart? Absolutely.

However…she was my girlfriend for two years, and easily my best friend. We’ve tried to resume a friendship — which usually ends in argument/discomfort/me telling her I still love her, her bursting into tears, which is swiftly followed by a quick departure on my part (her idea).

I’ve given up entirely on the possiblity of the two of us together, but I don’t want to give up on the friendship we once had, and could have again.

I’m not sure how to conduct this relationship — when to call, what to do, what not to do, what to say, and what I shouldn’t say.

Help?

The Hardly Etiquette Educated Ex