The Vine: May 11, 2000
This is the story of a child who was put up for adoption 49 years ago (that would be me) and another child who was put up for adoption 25 years ago (my daughter).
The knowledge of my “roots” was very important to me and the need to know was always there. Anyway, to make a very very long story short, after several attempts throughout the years and getting very little information about my background, I stopped searching for a few years. Last year I resumed my search, and much to my surprise the laws for freedom of information regarding adoptees had changed, enabling me to have the adoption agency do an extensive search. In a nutshell, I discovered I just missed meeting my mother as she had died just two months after my search began, BUT I discovered I had a sister – WOW. We have met several times and she is great, and I have lots of nieces and nephews.
NOW this is where it gets interesting. Twenty-five years ago I too had a child and gave her up for adoption, and at the time of my search for my mother, [my child] was searching for me, and as luck would have it the agency made the connection and we are meeting this June. The dilemma is the fact that her natural father lives here, and I have spoken to him about her, and he does not want to open the door and meet her. I asked if I could at least have a picture of him and he said no. My daughter wants very badly to see her birth father and I am wondering if I should approach him again for a photo (or at least something). My daughter just wants to see what he looks like. I have told my daughter her father’s decision, and she was hurt and said, “Well, I will give him some time, but I will go see him in maybe a year or two” (his name was revealed to her by myself, and she found out where he worked). Because of my history, I understand her need (that is why I gave you some background, because I am totally with her in seeing her father, even a photo).
Now, should I pursue this with her father, or should I just let nature take its course and let my daughter confront him herself? This could open up a Pandora’s box and could be painful for her, but I am unsure if I should dissuade her from doing this and just try and forget. Some advice would be nice.
Thank you,
A mom at last
Dear Mom,
You should respect the birth father’s wishes. I know it’s difficult, especially in light of your personal history, but if he doesn’t want to see the daughter, you shouldn’t pressure him to do so – and repeated attempts to bring them together on your part will probably turn him off the idea even more.
Try this: send him a letter explaining that your daughter would really like to meet him or at least know what he looks like, and that while you understand and respect his position on this, you also understand and respect your daughter’s position, so you thought you’d ask again. Provide a phone number or an address where he can get in touch with you and/or your daughter if he changes his mind. Tell him you felt that you had to try once more, but you won’t bring it up again. Send the letter, tell your daughter that you’ve done so and what the letter said, and let that be the end of it for you.
He may indeed change his mind. It’s possible that he just needs time to get his head around the situation. But if he stands firm in not wanting to revisit that time in his life, and you and your daughter will need to come to terms with that. He probably has his reasons, and though they might not seem as compelling as yours, he has a right to them.
Tags: etiquette the fam
