The Vine: May 11, 2004
Dear Sars,
My problem deals with my two closest friends,
“Ashley” and “Sam.”Ashley has always been a loner,
quiet and distant.As far as I know, Ashley started
cutting her arms last year.I honestly didn’t (and
don’t) think that she would ever do serious harm to
herself because she is too chicken-shit, but I worried
anyway because I didn’t consider it to be healthy.
She knew that the cutting made me uncomfortable,
especially when she carved names or pictures into her
arms so that she would be left with “cool” scars.I
wondered if she did it for attention or if maybe it’s
part of being a punk rocker.
Anyway, Sam and I went to the guidance counselor
(yeah — we’re in high school…), and he called her
parents because it was a suicide attempt.He didn’t
give us any “guidance,” so we decided not to seek his
help again when Ashley continued cutting.Oddly, she
wasn’t angry with me for tattling (she was with Sam),
but told me less about the cutting.
Later that year, Sam’s dad passed away.I’m not sure
if this really has any importance in the eventual
question, so whatever…I told her not to do anything
drastic such as suicide, and I didn’t think any more
of the subject.
Several days ago, Ashley told me that Sam had started
cutting, and I was understandably surprised.One year
ago, Sam seemed more bothered by Ashley’s cutting than
I, and desperately wanted to get her to stop.Now Sam
is cutting?WTF?
Though I doubt she will heed my advice, should I
confront Sam and ask her to stop?Neither Ashley nor
Sam seem to be doing and “real” damage to themselves,
so what should I do?
Thanks,
Confused by Masochist Friends
Dear Confused,
It’s my understanding that cutters cut because they want to feel something, or control something — because they’re trying to manifest a pain that isn’t physical into one that is, that they can deal with.So, cutters do do real damage to themselves; scarring aside, there’s emotional pain that isn’t getting dealt with in a productive way.
I think you should talk to Sam and tell her the cutting worries you, because you think she does it because she’s depressed, and you’d really like her to talk to someone; she’s had a lot to deal with, with her father’s death, but this isn’t the way to deal with it.Stress that you don’t judge her, and you can’t make her stop, but it scares you and you just want to help.
If she doesn’t stop, you should probably go to the guidance counselor again, or to Sam’s mom or guardian.This is bigger than you.
Hi Sars,
I’ve got a minor problem and since it concerns a friend of mine and I can’t
really turn to any of my other friends for advice, I’m hoping you have some
pearls of wisdom for me.
Here’s the story.I met my friend B in college, we were roommates freshman
year and we immediately clicked.It was so great we lived together two more
times after that and we are still close friends.When college was over we
both moved back to our respective home towns about two hours away from each
other.We still speak and see each other as often as we can and our
friendship is still strong.
B is a great person and I love her lots; however,
she has had it pretty rough lately.Last year B’s mother passed away.It
was very hard on her since she doesn’t know her father, has no siblings and
the only other family member she is close with is her grandmother who
doesn’t live in her town (although she isn’t too far but B doesn’t drive).
A few months ago B’s boyfriend of seven years dumped her, out of the blue, no
warning, nothing.It sucked.B was devastated.Since all of this has
happened to her, I’ve visited her more often, called more often, and just
tried to make sure she’s okay since she lives alone.It does seem like she’s
coping with all of this pretty well.She has friends, goes out often and is
seeing a new man.Her life seems to be picking up.
So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, lately she calls me, all of the time.
I’m talking once or twice a day.While I’m at work, while I’m sleeping,
while I’m watching a movie, she’s calling.This really isn’t such a big
deal, but B can talk.A lot.B can talk about nothing for hours, it’s a
little annoying sometimes.Now when she calls me, I have nothing to say to
her since nothing has changed in the few hours since our last conversation
and I end up just letting her babble on and on about the hot dog or
cornbread she’s eating and I’m not really paying attention.I find myself
starting to screen my calls and not picking up all of the time when I see
her number on caller ID.I love B, I love talking to her, I don’t love
hearing her drone on about nothing.It sucks, I don’t know what to do.
Am
I being selfish? Should I just listen to her and be a good friend knowing
that she’s probably just lonely? Is there any way I can ask her to stop
calling so damn much without hurting her feelings? It’s not like she’s
cutting into my time or anything, I just am the type of person who only
calls if there is something to say, I don’t call just to say “hi” unless I
haven’t spoken to someone for a significant period of time.This is really
tough, I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I feel so guilty screening my
phone calls.Is there any nice way to tell your best friend to stop calling
you every 10 minutes?
Thanks Sars, you rock!
My ears are getting tired
Dear Ears,
I don’t think there’s a way to tell her to cut down on the phone calls; the strategy you’re using now is probably the best one.If she’s calling for the third time in a day, just don’t pick it up.If she’s blathering on about cornbread, interrupt her and say that you have to go and you’ll talk to her later.
She might get the hint; she might not.But she doesn’t really have to.You just have to stop feeling obligated to participate in conversations when they bore you and make you resent her, so…stop.Chat for a few minutes, then wrap it up.She’ll live.
Dear Sars,
I have been having abit of a problem. I have an ex that I was seriously involved with for three and a half years. We ended on decent terms, he was never unkind to me or anything, I just decided he wasn’t the one I could see spending the rest of my life happily with, so I ended it.
He and I remain good friends, but occasionally he alludes to how hurt he was by the breakup and implies that even though we are both in new separate relationships, he is still not over me and still is in love with me. It is uncomfortable for me, and I ask him to refrain from such talk, because I do not share those feelings and it becomes very awkward for me. I am over him and incredibly happy with the man I am involved with now, so on my side of the friendship, I don’t think there is anything wrong with my continuing a friendship with him. However, I don’t think things are so swell on his side, I think that the girl he is seeing is conspicuously similar to how I was when he and I began going out, and that he is trying to recreate what he felt he had with me. Obviously, that can’t be healthy or fair for this girl. And it can’t be healthy for him.
I realize that his relationship isn’t my problem, but I feel like I am validating his feelings of missing me through the act of continuing a friendship with him. Is it all right for me to be in this friendship? Or am I taking on too much responsibilty for how he is coping with the breakup? Let me know what you think, and what you would do. Thanks!
Sincerely Yours,
The Enabler (?)
Dear (?),
His relationship isn’t your problem, and his reaction to your breakup isn’t really your problem either — except that it is, because he keeps bringing it up, which annoys you.You’ve told him to stop, but it doesn’t sound like he has, and I think you need to give that some consequences.Leave his you-twin girlfriend out of it; order him to quit bringing up the breakup, because you don’t want to deal with him until he can stop holding that over your head.If he does it again, get up, leave, and don’t take his calls for a while.
I think he probably needs you to cut him off in some way so that he can finally have the cleansing burst of hate he needs to get past your split.(I don’t mean that he should hate you or anything; it’s a closure thing.)You don’t have to cut him off For His Own Good if you don’t want to, but you do have to make him understand that you don’t want to hear about his hurt feelings anymore, and to back that up with action.
Dear Sars,
I and a few coworkers were hoping you could parse this sort of situation.
When one offers, say, a cup of freshly brewed, fairly tasty coffee to a
colleague, and they respond with “No, I hate coffee,” why do I feel
insulted?Is this overreacting?Why does it seem so wrong?It’s not like
I run around the work place offering samples, or linger over the coffeepot,
he was just there and I offered.I understand that it was not a personal
rejection of me, but it is somehow related to my aesthetic sensibilities.
But I don’t freak if I’m mentioning a book/movie/CD and someone barks out
distate, so I am a bit cloudy on the boundaries.
On the other hand, is it equally wrong, if one offers a tasty ham hock to
a colleague, and they say, “No thanks, I’m a militant vegan”? Or “I’m
Jewish”?What if you were describing a rapturous paella you had very much
enjoyed, and when mentioning the ingredients, someone says “peas?I hate
peas!”
I tolerate such things from my closest of friends but with anyone else it
just leaves me frosty and scowling.And I would like to be able to figure
out precisely why, so the next time it happens I can be Miss Pedantic
Manners Lady.
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Anthropologist
Dear Anthro,
I was raised not to insult other people’s taste or choices in food; in my family, it’s considered rude, so I’d rather punch myself in the eye than eat raisins, but if someone’s chilling with a box of them at lunchtime, for me to comment negatively on that is not cool.
So by that same token, “I hate coffee” seems rude to me, especially since a simple and more gracious “no, thank you” will get the job done just as well — but on the other hand, if you do hate coffee, you probably get tired of declining it all the time, and maybe you want word to get around that you hate it so that people stop asking you if you want any.Which you don’t.Because you hate it.Still, though.
Bottom line: I think it’s rude to get all “ew, mushrooms” or “I hate bagels” or whatever if you’re offered/told about food.It’s also rude to note the rudeness of others, but I would still snap off a flat “a simple ‘no thanks’ would have sufficed” if I were you, because — really.Shut up, coffee-hater.
Dear Sars:
I am a long-time reader of The Vine and I find your advice to be consistently spot-on.I hope you can help with something I don’t believe you’ve covered.
I’m getting married in August.Both my fiancé and I come from big, hippie families and, consequently, we’re having a somewhat non-traditional wedding.In the country.In the morning.In the middle of a field.Since many of our guests will be traveling a significant distance to attend, we’re trying to make everything else as easy as possible for them.This includes letting the wedding party wear their own clothes to the ceremony, with the men in dark suits and the women in black dresses of their own choosing.We just want that one little bit of conformity.And so we’ve come to the problem that I need for you to solve.
The groom’s sister is a nineteen-year-old politically active lesbian.She and I are very close — I’ve known my fiancé for nine years — and I can’t imagine standing up there without her by my side as a member of the wedding party.However, she flat-out refuses to wear a dress.When her brother informed her of the dress code for the wedding party, she complained to him that she doesn’t feel comfortable in an article of clothing that is, in her estimation, “a tool of the patriarchy.”She thinks we’re oppressing her politics and forcing her into a “costume,” noting that she had a “phobia” of anything that resembled a dress.I think she’s being a little overdramatic.I also believe that all weddings require their guests to wear costumes, in order to act in the play that is a couple’s nuptials.It’s our day.Fall in line.Right?
Anyway, the girl went straight to her mother and told her that I was “curtailing [her] civil rights” by wanting some visual consistency in my wedding photos, and my future mother-in-law called my mother and the whole thing just blew up.Sars, I just want one simple request granted for a period of one hour on my wedding day.And I really don’t want this to come to an ultimatum that finds her declining to be in the wedding party.Is it worth it for me to push, or do I just throw my hands up and give in to the idea of her in a pantsuit?
To say nothing of the fact that we changed the date of the wedding to accommodate her schedule.
Sign me,
Trying Not To Be Bridezilla
Dear Trying,
You’ve got a number of issues here, but I think it boils down to a choice: school the nineteen-year-old now on the concept of sucking it up; or keep the peace.
I have to say, I think your future sister-in-law’s complaint is utter bullshit in the first place.The patriarchy isn’t asking her to wear the dress; you and her brother are.Also, it’s one day, a day selected for her convenience.Those of us who don’t think we live in a goddamn Real World confessional understand how weddings operate, and given that you could have furnished her with a butt-bowed lavender horror show with matching hat, I think she needs to stow it and wear the dress or she can sit in the cheap seats.
On the other hand, it’s evidently caused a big kerfuffle already because she went over your head to your future mother-in-law — and why she hasn’t told your SIL to shut the hell up and wear the dress for eight lousy hours is beyond me, but nobody on that side of the aisle except the groom seems inclined to do the mature thing here.
So, what to do?I’d let her wear the pantsuit — but make it clear that it’s to be a proper pantsuit, as fancy as possible, and that in exchange you expect correct grooming, promptness, and for her to keep her trap shut about the oppression of earrings, and everything else, until you are safely married.I would tell you to ream her for her self-absorption, but it’s not going to help; she’s not going to get it, because she’s nineteen and everything is about Her Beliefs, and she’s going to get sides chosen up, and it’s not worth it.
Allow the pantsuit.Instruct the rest of the wedding party to make as many toasts to the patriarchy as possible during the reception.Roll your eyes.Move on.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships health and beauty the fam
