The Vine: May 11, 2005
Hi Sars,
Maybe you could help me with a twist on the all-too-common age difference question.
I go to a great church; I don’t know what denomination it is exactly — let’s just say it’s evangelical. Anyway, I just turned 25 a couple of weeks ago, and I’m infatuated with a younger girl from the church. She’s 19 and a freshman in college. Normally I wouldn’t have all that much contact with a girl that’s six years younger because we were in different “youth groups,” but we both sing in the church choir and have gotten to know each other there. She used to have a “crush” on me a few years ago and my whole thoughts on the subject were “that’s sweet but she’s way too young.” Okay, really I thought “she’s pretty cute and just my type so I better not talk to her too much.”
In the last couple of years though I have gotten to know her and her family a bit and she still seems interested and I have to admit I’m very attracted to Katie (change Katie to “her” if you want but I can’t not write her name in that sentence).
I care about my reputation at church and all, but I think that even if there’s only a small chance of great things, I want to take that chance now rather than waiting for some better time years from now that might never come. What do you think?
Signed,
Churchgoer
Dear Church,
All right, here’s what strikes me about your letter — you say that you’re “infatuated” with her.Fine.Why?Because you also say that you have “gotten to know her a bit,” but it sounds to me like “pretty cute and just your type” is the more predominant motivation here.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but first of all, a six-year age difference at your particular ages is not insignificant.It’s not the kiss of death or anything; it’s just not insignificant.She’s a freshman; she’s got a lot of changes going on right now.You’re a more settled adult, and if she’s still going to the church she grew up in, maybe she still lives at home…I don’t know.
But the second point is that “I can’t not write her name in that sentence” is…kind of creepy.I can’t quite put my finger on why; it just kind of gives me the sense that you think there’s some sort of you-and-Katie-against-the-disapproving-world fifties-pop-song destiny at work here, and I’m all for taking chances in matters of the heart, but I think maybe you’ve loaded this up with more import than perhaps is actually there, given that, from what you’ve told me, her most notable qualities are her age and her cuteness.
Something is off here, I think.I don’t know what, exactly, as I said, but it just seems like this is more about her looking up to you and not so much about her — you don’t talk about her at all, her personality, whether you’re friends.I get the sense that you don’t know her very well yet, and that you’re overthinking it because of her age, so I would just hang out, get to know her more, and take it from there.
Hey Sars,
I have a problem. Obviously, or I wouldn’t be emailing
you, right? Here goes.
I am a senior in high school. I am dating a boy, who
I’ll call M. M is a freshman in college. My parents
approve, so do his. We’ve been dating three and a half
years, and we’ve had sex. In short, a lot of emotion
has been spent on this relationship.
About two months ago, I found out M had been cheating
on me with a close friend of mine for about six months
straight. I forgave them almost immediately for the
act, but not for the lies. M and I have always had a
clearly defined “open relationship” where he is
allowed at any point to be with other girls — under
the condition he tell me first. He did not tell me
about being with my friend, and that upsets me a lot.
I didn’t break up with him, though, because of the
bond I have with him. He got me an iPod too, so that
was nice of him. Friend N was firmly, firmly against
me getting back with him, but I decided to anyway.
Anyway, that’s all the background info. Now a
situation has come up. I want to get back at M, I have
for a while. Recently, my first kiss and I have been
talking again. We’ve been talking because a friend, K,
wants him to take her to prom. She knows about our
past relationship.
I know J still likes me a lot, and I know that if I
want to, I can hook up with him to get back at M. K
knows J still likes me and says she is okay with it if I
hook up with him.
So I’m wondering — is it okay if I hook up with him? I
will not be pursuing anything with him. I want to — in
essence — have sex with J and tell M about it for
reaction. I do not think J will be too upset if I do
this. K says yes, other friend N says absolutely not.
What do you think? Does wanting to do this make me a
bad person?
Thanks,
High School Sweetheart
Dear Here’s An “O” To Go With Your Friend N,
I can’t get past the fact that you have a so-called “open relationship” in which it’s supposedly fine for M to fuck other chicks, but you don’t say anything about whether you are “allowed to” fuck other guys, and in any case the open relationship isn’t that open if 1) he lied about it and 2) you’re pissed enough to want to grudge-fuck some random.I mean, do you not get how screwed up this all sounds?Do you not understand that it only sounds like M gets to sleep with other people so that you can hold on to him, and that you won’t break up with him even after he betrayed you?
I guess open relationships work for some people, but honey, they’re not working for you.This isn’t love; this is competition, and a bunch of really twisted passive-aggressive vengeance sex, and I don’t think anyone who’s staying with a guy in part because he bought her an iPod is mature enough to hack that shit.He obviously has no respect for you, and the fact that you want to get his respect by one-upping him in the bedroom is…fucked up, I’m sorry.He cheated on you and lied about it for six months, and your reaction is to bonk someone else’s prom date?What do you think your life is, a Jackie Collins novel?
You need to take a long, hard look at why you stay with M, and if the answer is “…well, because!” or any other inertia-related justification that means he’s basically a bad habit, just dump the guy already.This is not how people with backbones, or understandings of commitment, behave.Get a grip.
Hi Sars,
Do you have any thoughts on what a frustrated novelist can do to break into the writing world?I’ve finished one novel and am working on another one, and even keeping in mind I’m not unbiased at all I feel the work is pretty good and at least worth some consideration.But there is so much information out there on publishing, and so much of it is contradictory.Most of the time I read that publishers will absolutely not look at an unsolicited manuscript, and then I read about that miracle time someone sends one in, it’s picked from the slush pile and a writer is born.Then I read that you absolutely have to have an agent for that first-time novel, but then agents won’t go out of their way to read an unknown’s work.
I read Writer’s Digest, along with other writing magazines and websites.I bought the 2004 WD guide to literary agents and sent out over 20 query letters, most to agents that listed they worked with first-time writers.I included SASEs, and received back 20 form rejection letters.I’ve heard of writers papering their dens with rejection letters before they get published but it doesn’t seem like much fun.I just want someone to take the time to read my work and give me honest professional criticism.
Should I ignore the advice to send agents only query letters and just go ahead and send them the whole manuscript?If the query letter is only good for a form rejection letter maybe I should just send the whole thing and hope someone reads it.Which adds another question: if I send a manuscript, do I print out all 400 pages of the novel and send the whole thing?Do I send a disk or CD with the work on it?All that printing and/or copying can get quite expensive.I’ve considered some of the vanity press offers on the web, where I print my book myself, but that’s the same thing to me as admitting defeat.
Do you have any thoughts on all this?I don’t consider myself completely clueless, but I know you’ve worked more in the professional writing world than I have with your various jobs, and I know you live in or near the publishing capital of the world.I just want some help on how to proceed and get my foot in the door.I appreciate anything you might be able to tell me.
Signed,
Mystified in Missouri
Dear Myst,
Well, no, it isn’t much fun.It isn’t supposed to be fun.Writing is work.Often, it is work of the lonely, thankless, unpaid variety, and it can be tremendously rewarding, too, but a lot of the time it’s just you in a room, wondering why nobody gives a shit.That’s the job, I’m afraid.
I would advise against “just sending the whole thing,” because if the agency or publication has given you explicit instructions as to querying, all that does is annoy people.Trust me.I get unsolicited writing samples and job queries every day, and I empathize with how hard it is to get your stuff looked at, truly I do, but the only thing sending it anyway tells me is that you don’t read carefully.
And it’s my feeling also that most of the books that tell you how to break into publishing don’t do much except create needless confusion and busywork; I’d chuck those, because those books…they exist in order to get sold themselves, not in order to help you get sold.I don’t do a lot of fiction writing, but you just have to keep producing; you have to write short stories and send those out tirelessly, because a lot of novelists get book deals based on a collection of stories first, and then the big story.You have to send to all the quarterlies, you have to send to The New Yorker, you have to do a bunch of readings to half-empty Elks Clubs…you just have to grind it out, sending the query letters, asking your friends if they have any contacts.It takes time; it takes a long time, sometimes.That’s just how it is.I feel you on the frustration, but there isn’t a magic formula nobody told you about.And if there is, you don’t see my ass on Amazon, so if I run across it I’ll sure let you know.
The best advice I can give you on getting published is that there is no good advice on getting published.I’ve heard all of it, I’ve used some of it, but at the end of the day, there’s really only the one way, unless you get famous for something else and someone wants to sign you to a memoir deal.You have to wait for someone who believes in your work to find you, and to make that happen you have to keep working.It’s not just you.There’s thousands of us staggering around out here in the high weeds.
Tags: boys (and girls) workplace
