The Vine: May 12, 2005
Dear Sars,
I’ve read and enjoyed The Vine for years, but as a
many-times-published novelist I have to disagree strongly with your
advice to the aspiring writer in Thursday’s column.
For one thing, what he needs most is not more agents to send query
letters to, but connections with writers or editors who could recommend
his work either to an agent or an editor at a publishing house.And
that involves paying some dues.You join a writers’ group, either in
person in your hometown, or online.You go to writing seminars if you
can manage it.Eventually, you’ll come across someone who’ll look at
the first five pages of your work.
And then, you’ll probably find out that it’s nowhere near ready to
submit.God only knows, that’s what happened to me, after many
fruitless queries and mailings to agents.A writer gets only one shot
at an agent’s attention, or an editor’s, and the manuscript has to be
polished and repolished to get past that first glance.Showing it to
friends and family is useless, or worse.They won’t criticize, they’ll
tell him it’s great, because they don’t know, or they don’t want to hurt
him, or they simply can’t be bothered.
Your second point, that he should start with short stories and work
up, may be valid for some folks, but it certainly wasn’t for me.I’ve
had nine novels published, and I’ve never yet succeeded in finishing a
short story.They’re simply different canvasses, require different
skills, and reflect an entirely different outlook and set of goals.I
am a novelist, and will never be a short story writer.
I had invaluable help from another writer when I was trying to break
in, and her advice and suggestions helped me improve my manuscript
enough so she was comfortable writing an endorsement letter to attach to
my query.It got me read, and eventually published.I, and many other
writers I know who received such favors, try to pay back by glancing at
the work of newcomers (at least the first few pages) and giving them
honest answers as to their work.I really think that’s his most likely
path to success.
If you print this, feel free either to use, or omit, my name, as
you choose.
David Feintuch
Winner, 1996 Campbell Award for Best New Science Fiction Writer
Dear Mr. Feintuch,
Thanks so much for your insights.
I got a number of letters from sci-fi/fantasy writers, and since I neither write in nor really read that genre, I can’t speak to the process there, but I get the feeling the genre operates differently from “regular” fiction, which operates differently from self-help, which operates differently from pop-cult non-fiction, et cetera et cetera.It’s my experience that you do need an agent in certain genres or your stuff just won’t get seen, and that your agent plays that role of the writers’ group and the mentor — giving you unvarnished advice about the ms., suggesting directions, et cetera.
But again, you have novels out there and I don’t, which goes back to what I said in my conclusion: I don’t think there’s any one-size-fits-all advice about getting published.Writers’ groups are great — it provides a structure for getting the work done that a lot of people need, motivation-wise — but they’re not required.An MFA can give you that same environment, but you don’t “need” one to get published; it can help in terms of discipline, and occasionally in terms of connections, but it’s not required.You don’t have to write short stories first, and as you say, a lot of people don’t have the writing temperament for them anyway — but a lot of straight fiction writers climb the ladder with short stories.
Some people get published through connections, some people get published because an editor noticed their blogs and got behind them…there just isn’t any one way that works for everyone.
A few other resources, in case anyone’s still interested:
Neil Gaiman on literary agents (the site he recommends is outstanding)
Jennifer Weiner’s advice for aspiring writers
Scalzi on online writing (and he’s got plenty of other insightful entries on writing sprinkled throughout his archives)
Rock On Sars!
So there’s this boy…not. He’s a man, and probably old enough to be your dad, or close to it. Let’s call him Juan. And I’m older than that, by a few years. So that would make it truly bizarro to be asking your advice, except that you have such uncompromisingly good sense. But wait — it gets even weirder (the situation — not your good sense). I have been to town a time or two. Actually, I’ve lived an insanely libertine life. Married twice, now single by choice, all done parenting, retired very early. Most people say my looks seriously dispute what my driver’s license says is my age. A good bit of this is because I fell in love with a sport. It’s a lifestyle, really. And Juan is my coach of several years, well-known for the results he gets. He coaches hard, I work hard, and it’s been paying off beautifully. So, yay. I’m a success story. We should all have it so good.
Juan is also a friend. We hang out a lot, I see him almost every day. Sometimes we do stuff not involving the sport — and it’s pretty hard to get either us away from it long enough to do anything else. So. Yay. Sars, this guy is magnificent. Never married, no kids.I think he’s gotten his heart broken badly a time or two, but he’s the sort who would never come right out and say so in plain words. Besides this sports passion, we grew up in a similar way, share the same political views, and are ultra-nerds of a sort that most people would charitably call “quirky,” or “eccentric.” And we flirt — regularly and often. Over time, the hugs have started lasting longer, the physical touching more and more comfortable and casual.And even better, he is a beautiful soul through and through. Though we argue from time to time, one of us always gives in quickly, rather than risk hurting the other. Quite a gift, eh?I think so, anyway.
So. Yay. Except. Well, our favorite pastime is popular with a lot of younger people. I’m constantly surrounded by beautiful young men, and he by these blindingly gorgeous young ladies — something we both freely admit we love. But — I don’t date any of them and neither does he. I make it point not to crowd him, but nothing ever happens anyway. He is very careful of his rep, particularly because of the young girls he coaches and the trust their parents place in him. I respect that.
Thing is, I’ve always had hot and cold running men. I saw something, I wanted it, I took it. Period. Until now. He’s not the prettiest by a long stretch, but he IS the most beautiful. And there I am. Stuck. I want HIM, and no one else will do. I’m am so horribly, horribly at a loss here. I am so patient, it actually scares me. I don’t know how to move this relationship along. I’ve made hints — nothing. I’ve even invited him to my hotel room when we travelled. We ended up shooting the breeze from separate beds and eating snacks like little kids having a sleepover. I’ve tried bringing the subject of a closer relationship up frankly, but he runs like hell. When I signed his birthday card, “Love, Me,” he smiled like the heavens had opened just for him. So, the hell?I’ve considered simply accepting it as-is and calling it good right there, but I’m more honest with myself than that. This town isn’t that big, and I wouldn’t avoid him even if it was. We ARE going to see each other. So I have to deal. But I am all out of ideas here. For the probably zillionth time I ask — am I missing something here? Er, what?
Old Enough To Know Better — Not!
Dear Old Enough,
He’s not attracted to you that way.I don’t doubt that he loves you, but he doesn’t want to sleep with you, and the fact that you want to “move this relationship along” doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, because it’s clear that it isn’t.He’s not interested in taking it further.
I think what you’re missing is that just because you want it doesn’t mean you’ll get it.It’s time for you to accept that Juan is a good friend, and not more than that, and to do what you need to do to move on from the idea of having a romantic relationship with him.
Loved your reply to “I’ll Skip the Meat, Just Pass the Potatoes.”However
what do you do if you DO have vegetarian friends who make a fuss ALL the
time?
Take an ongoing situation with two friends of mine.They are vegetarians
for moral reasons and they make an enormous deal about the food at any
event.I have them to dinner and find them checking the brand of ice cream
I’ve bought to check if it contains gelatin. When I invite them over, they
mention all the things that count as meat product: “Remember to check the
cheese, ice cream/cream/et cetera because we don’t eat this that and the other.”
They also comment on my food all, “Mmmmmmmeat, poor Mr. Cow, poor little
chicken,” et cetera when we’re out somewhere.
I don’t mind keeping a tub of soy ice cream in the freezer for them, but I
think it is rude that they check the food every time — loudly with comments
in front of my other guests — every time I have them over.I’ve known
these people ten years and they KNOW that I KNOW they are vegetarian.
Trying to accommodate but it’s wearing thin
Dear Trying,
I’d speak to them about it privately.”I’ve known you ten years; I know you’re vegetarian; I respect your beliefs, and I’d appreciate some respect for me at the table — please don’t comment rudely on my food, it makes me uncomfortable.”As far as the food you serve when they come over, same thing.”I know you’re vegetarian, and you know I don’t serve you food you can’t eat.I don’t think I understand why you keep reminding me about gelatin and cheese when I know perfectly well what you do and don’t eat; it makes me feel stupid and embarrassed when you do it in front of others.”Stress how it makes you feel.
Understand: this behavior is rude.It’s rude for guests in another person’s home to make a big flap about the food when it is not their diet that is the norm; I wouldn’t dream of going to my lactose-intolerant friend’s house and complaining that there’s no cheese in my burrito…primarily because she’s such an awesome cook that I never notice the lack of cheese, but even if I did notice?You eat what you’re served, unless you can’t, in which case you decline it graciously and don’t make a big stink.It’s also rude to comment negatively on other people’s food.I had this drilled into me from the age of fetus — chew with your mouth closed, don’t sing at the table, start with the outermost fork, and nobody cares what you think of their entree so shut it.
Tell your friends that they’re making you feel uncomfortable.If they don’t shut it, stop inviting them over for dinner and stop going out with them to eat; socialize with them only in non-food-centric venues.There are always some vegans who just have to be big drama queens about their choices and who make the rest of us look like martyrdom junkies by extension, so if you do that, quit it right now, and if your friends do it, ask them to quit it right now because it makes you feel bad.
Hi Sars —
I have a very high-school-esque problem, although I am long out of high school.
My best friend is getting married. I’m so thrilled, I love being the Maid of Dubious Honor…that’s not the issue. The issue is one of the (maybe) bridesmaids. This girl (L) is seventeen years old, and she went ahead and assumed that she was in the wedding right when the engagement was announced. So now my best friend (K) feels obligated to put her in the wedding, which, whatever. None of my business. But…
I hate her. She thinks she has all this life experience when she just…doesn’t. She is very controlling, and is trying to bogart the shower I’m trying to plan. I know that she looks up to me, and I can appreciate that, but I just cannot bring myself to like this girl. She irritates the piss out of me. So, do you have any suggestions for working with her on this whole wedding thing (if she is even in it)?
Signed,
Butt out, baby bridesmaid
Dear Butt,
If the bride is on the same page as you as far as L’s involvement, then you’re fine.Just…don’t involve L.I don’t know exactly what you mean by “trying to bogart the shower,” but if she’s trying to muscle in on the planning, or trying to boss you as to how it gets done?Just ignore her.Drop a “thanks for the suggestions!” on her and do it your way.It doesn’t sound like you’re required to “work with” her, given that you’re the maid of honor and she isn’t and that K didn’t want her in the wedding in the first place, so…don’t.
And if she pitches a fit, refer her to K, because honestly, if K put a girl in her wedding that she doesn’t like, just to avoid a confrontation, that’s kind of K’s bad decision to live with, not yours.Yes, part of the maid of honor’s job is to try to insulate the bride from a certain amount of bullshit, but if the bride brought the bullshit on herself, not so much.Tell K you don’t want to police this girl, and if it comes to that, K will have to handle it.
Maybe it’ll get to a point where K will realize her mistake and punt L anyway, in which case, everyone wins, problem solved — but if not, just rehearse phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “interesting — we’ll consider it” and don’t bother yourself about L’s opinions unduly.She’s not really in a position to overrule you, so, who cares.
My nineteen-year-old son and I have just starting
doing things together after
he stopped allowing visitations (created by the
divorce when he turned 14).
Anyway I have forgiven his mother for any of those
terrible days and we talk
on the phone whenever there is a need to discuss
matters concerning him or his
sister who just turned 14.
My question is this.A has focused his entire
life to online games
like Everquest and computer software developement.
He is second semester first
year at Penn State while living at home and still
spends all his time at the
computer.
Here is a young guy that does nothing else but the
computer thing, he has
online friends that he knows in real time but they
NEVER do anything together
outside of the home.
I am real concerned.He has never been on a date
and is six months away
from age twenty.He is very charming, polite and
even though I am his dad, he
is a good-looking guy.
If he is not into women, not into guys, not into
anything but the computer
do you think I should be concerned?I am a leftover hippie from 1969, I
really don’t care what someone’s sexual orientation
is as long as they don’t try to
convince me I should enjoy it…
A real nerdy computer guy that I totally respect
claims that this is MORE and
MORE the norm nowadays.That there is a segment of
our young people that
choose to just sit in front of the computer as the
minutes tick away in their
lives.
HHL
Dear HHL,
Are you asking me if this is normal?What you should do?I’m not sure what your question is, but I’ll take a run at it anyway — I think it’s “normal” in that it’s not uncommon.Folks who might feel enormously awkward and alienated socially in in-person situations can find online companionship, whether it’s gaming or talking about TV shows or just emailing people they’ve met online, much more comfortable and natural.
As for whether I think it’s normal normal, i.e. not pathological, well, it really depends.I don’t think the fact that A hasn’t had a girlfriend yet tells us much; he’s still young, and people mature at different speeds.But if A doesn’t have any friends offline, or if he’s blowing off classes or other commitments to game instead — if it’s taking over his life in a way that goes beyond “a little bit nerdy” and into “kind of scary” — it might be time to have him see a psychologist.
Honestly, though, just based on what you’ve told me, I don’t think it’s that severe.You say that he’s charming and polite, so I wouldn’t conclude that he’s totally maladaptive (is that even a word?) socially, and you don’t mention any changes in his behavior, or that he’s depressed or screwing up at school, so, again, I wouldn’t worry about it.Should he maybe get some more sun?Yeah, probably.Would it be nice if he had a girlfriend (or boyfriend)?Sure — for him.But it’s possible that your son is just really into computers, and there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s not something that needs fixing unless he’s unhappy.
I would keep an eye on it, as you would anyway, and if it seems like he’s really withdrawing or his grades are slipping, maybe then it’s time to worry, but for now, he is what he is, and if he’s fine with it, you can be too.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships the fam
