The Vine: May 16, 2003
Hi Sars,
I am writing you because after looking through the archives of The Vine I
found problems similar to mine, but not quite. Here’s the deal: I guess the
best way to put it is that I have a problem like Bratty Bratterson, in that I
have this great boyfriend “Brian” — we’ve been together for two and a half years, but I
treat him like shit. II love him so much and he means the world to me; it’s
just too easy sometimes because he never ever gets angry at me about
anything. I’ve never done anything horrible like cheating on him, but I do
get angry a lot about stupid things. Problems have been escalating because we
are going to graduate soon and go our separate ways (he’s
already accepted a job offer in a hick town that I have no intention to
moving to even for him).
Now here’s the problem: We said we would take a break about two weeks ago;
actually, I told him we were going to (which I’ve done before). Yet, we had
made to go to Vegas awhile ago. We were talking the other
night, and he said that if we were going together to Vegas, that means we were
getting back together. I said no, and this sparked a huge fight. The next day,
he leaves me a message that he canceled everything (hotel, plane, et cetera) and
that he never wanted to speak to me again. I have tried calling his house,
but his mom covers for him and won’t let me speak to him. I have tried
emailing, IMing, and voicemail on his cell phone, but no response.
I know I
deserve this because he is too good for me, but I want him back so badly. We
both go back to school next week, and I have no idea what to do. My friends
say to let it go, but how can I let go after two and a half years with no closure? I know
I finally got what’s coming to me, but I know that this time it will be
different. How can I get a second chance? And how can I get him to talk to
me? He has never even gotten mad at me in two and a half years or acted like this EVER —
do you think this is two and a half years of anger built up? Help me! I have nowhere
else to turn.
Hopelessly Heartbroken in California
Dear HH,
Welcome to your bed, honey.You made it.Lie in it and get some thinking done.
You treated Brian like crap for years, by your own admission, and although you apparently realized that you acted badly, you made no effort to change your behavior in all that time.Well, he’s finally grown a pair and given that behavior consequences, and now you’ll change?Not going to work, and the only person who doesn’t seem to get that is you.
You got away with wiping your feet on Brian’s back for a long time, but that time is over, and the time for you to grow up and figure out the difference between treating others well because it gets you something and treating others well because it’s the right way to behave has now begun.Just because you can walk all over people doesn’t mean you should.
You’re learning that lesson the hard way, but that’s the way lessons stick.Write Brian a letter apologizing for all the shit you pulled in the past and wishing him the best in the future, mail it, respect his desire not to continue the relationship, and move on — for both your sakes.
Hey Sars,
I have a boyfriend that I am in love with, and I have been with him for about six months. Before this, we were friends and saw each other almost every day. Right when we met (about two years ago), he had his heart broken by some girl and was always talking about how he could never love anyone as much as he loved her and all that jazz. Then we somehow fall for each other, and now I’m here.
I am worried that even though he may say he loves me more than he loves her, he might not. I know that I shouldn’t suspect any foul play because he’s my boyfriend and I love him, but it’s kinda hard. Now he’s writing a screenplay and has included said ex-girlfriend in there, and I am getting a little weirded out. What do you think I should do? I’ve confronted him before, and all he gets is frustrated.
Sincerely,
Confused About Him
Dear Confused,
I can see why he gets frustrated — he feels like you don’t trust him.He says he loves you.Either believe him and get over it or don’t believe him and break it off.
“But it’s not that easy!”Well, no, it isn’t, but at the same time, yes, it kind of is.I mean, think about it.What do you want him to say?Do you want him to reassure you that he’s over her, that he loves you now, that he’s not carrying around any ex baggage?He’s done that; you aren’t buying it.So…do you actually secretly want him to admit that he still carries a torch for this other woman so that you can confirm all the bad things you believe about your own worth?
Decide to trust him or not, one way or the other, and drop it.It’s your issue, not his.
Hi Sars,
I have a problem that’s been festering away in the back of my mind for a
long time now, and I was hoping you’d be able to help me out.I’m a
sophomore in college and I am grateful to lead a happy life.One thing,
however, tends to bring me down.I’ll give you the backstory first.
I’ve been with The Boyfriend for a year now.Okay.I guess there wasn’t
much of a backstory.Anyway, things between us are great, but we tend to
argue about my self-esteem a lot lately…well, lack of self-esteem. Ahh,
here’s the backstory.Throughout middle school and high school, I grew up
with a gorgeous best friend.Of course, every guy flocked to her and I was
The Friend to said guys.In fact, they’d beg me to hook them up with her
(this was especially sucky when guys I liked did this).I’d listen to them
go on about how beautiful she was, and I’d ask myself, “Why doesn’t anyone
ever tell me I’m pretty?”My answer eventually grew to be, “Well.I’m not
pretty.”
Now, I don’t think I’m hideous.I find myself just…there.No one ever
bothered to tell me otherwise until college.I get many compliments from
guys and girls now, and my boyfriend tells me constantly that I could be a
model.I appreciate the comments, but I tend to find them unbelievable.I
will accept the compliments from my boyfriend, but I can’t help getting
quiet and uncomfortable afterwards.That makes him upset, because he feels
that I don’t believe him and therefore am accusing him of lying.My
question is, why can’t I just accept these compliments and BELIEVE them,
especially since I’ve been hearing them for a year now?And what should I
do about my boyfriend?Do you agree with what he’s upset about?I realize
this isn’t the biggest problem ever, but it is starting to have an effect on
our relationship.I appreciate you reading this.
Jennifer
Dear Jen,
Okay, first of all, I feel you — I served many years as a sidekick, and that sentence does leave you with certain issues — but, you know, looks fade.
Talk to your boyfriend.Tell him that you understand his frustration, and that you’ll work on accepting compliments more gracefully in the future, but point out that having your responses graded for enthusiasm makes you just as uncomfortable as the compliments themselves, and ask him nicely to acknowledge your effort and back off a bit until you can get there.
And practice taking a compliment.It does take practice for a lot of us to smile and say “thank you” without blushing and going silent or defaulting immediately to a self-deprecating comment, but it’s doable.Ask your boyfriend to help you.It sounds dumb, but it’s a way to polish that social grace and soothe his nerves on the issue at the same time, so give it a try.
Hey Sars.
I have two completely unrelated questions that aren’t really that important,
so even if you don’t feel like answering them, you’re still cool in my book.
Number one.One of my New Year’s resolutions was to stop swearing.That
has not gone so well.Out of my group of friends, I definitely have the
worst mouth among them.And it’s not even like I’m swearing just when I’m
angry or upset.For no reason, in just regular conversation, every other
word will be a swear.It bugs me.
Part of the reason it bugs me, besides being socially inappropriate, is that
when I’m around my family, or older people (I’m 21), I have no problems
whatsoever in restraining myself.I know how much my parents hate me
swearing, and so I just don’t do it.But when I’m with my peers, I just
start swearing naturally.This could be a real problem after graduation,
which is five months away.
So, do you have any tips for me to stop?I’ve tried a few different things,
like push-ups for every swear word, but nothing has worked.My chest
muscles are pretty top-notch, though.I really do want to stop, but I just
find myself unable to control it.
Two.A grammar question.When a character is not defined well, or doesn’t
have much to him, I’ve heard people describe the character as
one-dimensional.Based on my limited knowledge of geometry, shouldn’t it be
two-dimensional?Two dimensions is length times width, which is flat, like
the character.There is no depth, or the third dimension.One-dimensional
would just be a width.Or something.Wouldn’t it be proper to call the
flat character with no depth either a one-note character, or
two-dimensional, or is there no relationship between grammar and math?
I could have sworn I was right, but I think I just saw the use of
one-dimensional in one of your essays, and it’s been bugging me more that it
should.
Thanks!
You can call me Popeye
Dear Pop,
Number one: Just stop doing it.You know you can; you don’t swear around parents or at other times when it would get you into trouble, so you know it’s possible.Just try harder at those times when swearing is penalty-free.Before you start talking, take a beat and choose G-rated words.Think.Then speak.(Says the woman who has done that exactly once, while coming out of anesthesia.)Wait for not swearing to become a habit.
Number two: You’ve kind of answered your own question.Yes, geometrically speaking, “two-dimensional” denotes a flat character or representation — but if it’s so incredibly flat that describing said character or portrayal calls for hyperbole, “one-dimensional” takes the description that much farther.It’s exaggeration for effect.You could argue that the usage has penetrated the language to the point where people no longer get that it’s a progression from “two-dimensional” and think it’s right on its own, but regardless, it’s not incorrect.It’s a literary device.
My dear Sars…
I have an icky problem.
First, the obligatory background. Almost a year ago, I started dating this guy very casually, but resisted becoming a couple because I was/am still pretty young and felt I hadn’t experimented and explored enough, and I didn’t want to be in a committed relationship yet. He pressed on, and I explained to him my issues. He agreed (grudgingly, but he agreed) that if we became a couple, it would be okay for me to experiment elsewhere, as long as he didn’t have to hear or find out about it.
Well, a little while later I ended up getting together with a friend of mine who has always flirted with me, and we slept together (lots of wine was involved). Altogether, it was an experience I’d rather forget; it was extremely uncomfortable, and of course the friendship has been weird as hell since then.
My problem is that I’m having trouble letting go of it all. I feel icky and awful, as if I outright cheated (even though the rules were decided and agreed upon beforehand), and it feels terrible to have this big secret from someone who is now the love of my life. (Needless to say, I’ve gotten over my need for experimentation.) Although I don’t necessarily regret doing it (if I hadn’t, I’d just be driven to experiment like I was originally), I can’t shake the “betrayal” feeling. And I can’t “confess,” since him not finding out was a big term of the agreement.
I have a big problem letting go of uncomfortable memories…any advice?
Failed At Being Daring
Dear Failed,
Looks like we can file this one under “careful what you wish for,” eh what?
I don’t think you thought the potential consequences of the arrangement through before acting on it, but you can’t do anything about that now — you’ll just have to live with it.You agreed not to tell him if anything went on outside the bounds of the relationship, and confessing your sins when he specifically said he didn’t want to know is a betrayal of that agreement.It might make you feel better, but it’s going to make him feel like shit, which is precisely what he wanted to avoid.
So…suck it up.You didn’t betray him; again, you had a specific arrangement, and maybe it didn’t work out the way you’d imagined it, but you didn’t betray his trust.Telling all now, when he asked you not to?That would betray his trust.Find a way to put it to rest on your own.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar
