The Vine: May 18, 2000
Dear Sarah,
I want to SKULL-FUCK my best friend’s fiancée.
Okay, maybe that’s a wee bit extreme. I don’t really want to cause her any harm in the literal sense, but I do want her to cease and desist in sending me those oh-so annoying Christian chain letters. They all have the earmarks of textbook religious zealotry. They hit the usual intolerant points about how homosexuals are deviant child molesters with track lighting and that Christians are oppressed since there’s no prayer in school and that morals have left the scope of American consciousness
In short, I have a little Christian Laura Schlesinger (I refuse to call that bitch “doctor”) on my hands.
Now I know all Christians don’t think or act this way, so don’t assume I subscribe to a broad, negative stereotype about all of them. This is just what I’ve been receiving and what I expect to happen. I base this forecast on previous behavior.
The truly sad thing is that I like this woman. She takes good care of my friend and she does have a huge heart. The only thing we differ on is religion. I’m always getting “blessed” for shit and it makes my skin crawl. “God bless you.”
I DIDN’T FUCKING SNEEZE!
I can’t stomach the religious arrogance that seems to permeate America today. So many people just assume if you’re white you must be a Christian. When I tell them I’m not it’s like I just kicked up my leg and cracked a stinky.
It seems you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone with that cheerful “I can’t wait to ascend [to the] kingdom of heaven!” glint in his or her eyes. You know what I’m talking about here. They’re the ones like my sister that do that overly enthusiastic dog-nod whenever the minister/preacher/pastor/rector/priest/shaman makes a point. “That’s right! Yup. Ayuh! Like the Bible says! Yup. Oh good, wafer time!” Munchmunchmunch. I’m sure they did the same thing in Jonestown as they were trying to decide between grape and wild berry.
Now I can’t escape these e-mails. “So tell her to stop! What’s the big deal?” I know-know-know she’s gonna take a dump over it. She’s going to read my gentle little letter explaining how I have a different set of beliefs and I don’t feel the same way in my heart and enough with the friggin’ e-mails already! It’s going to totally screw everything up. I know what I’m going to get in return.
“I’ll pray for you.”
Using my slide rule, a Cray supercomputer and those cool counterfeit detecting pens they use at 7-11, I can decode “I’ll pray for you” to mean “you’re going to hell faster than the speed of light.”
I can’t tell you how many times I have apologized for my beliefs. “I’m sorry, but I’m an atheist.” It’s like telling people you’re gay. Sometimes people flinch and I can’t take it anymore. It shouldn’t be this way. People should smile and go, “Oh, cool,” and move right the hell on with their lives. I’m tired of that hurt/imperious stare I get when I abstain from grace at family functions, Christmas, et cetera.
Which brings me to another point. I’m in the wedding, see. I’ll put good money down I’m gonna have to get on my knees and take the wafer from some sweaty-ass dude in a bad smock.
FUCK!
The folks at this particular church don’t take kindly to meddlesome questions and non-believers. All the mulletheads are gonna hate me when I don’t drop my head and pray. Do I just stand there and look around? “Malachai! Take him to the corn!” So I’m expecting some single-helix asshole with dirty nails is gonna glower at me when I get on my knees and cross my arms.
Can I just call in sick or something?
Look, I’m not bashing Christians. I know it really looks that way, but I’m not. I’m backed into a corner by pride. I know pride goeth before a fall, but I’ve been eating crow my whole damn life. With any religion there are extremists that give the rest of them a bad rap. As an example, many Americans when they think of Muslims think of C-4 and hurtling vans. That’s wrong. It’s as wrong as thinking anyone’s going to hell.
I don’t make my beliefs an issue in other people’s lives.
Why do others?
Sincerely,
Fallen
Dear Fallen,
“I don’t make my beliefs an issue in other people’s lives.” Bwa ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Um, yeah, you do. Petulantly refusing to say grace . . . sulking about the fact that another man’s wedding day is not all about you . . . flying off the handle whenever the syllable “God” is uttered . . . “making an issue” of your beliefs? Try “making a federal case” out of them. Forgive me, but I don’t think I’ve read such an hysterical, overwrought screed since I last leafed through my eighth-grade diary.
I agree that your atheism is your own lookout, and I agree that the God Squad bugs at times, but dude, your reaction to the believers in our midst is way, way over the top. In fact, it’s borderline offensive. You can try to sell me on the fact that you’ve “got nothing against” Christians, but it’s clear that you do, and I don’t know what in your past the hostility stems from, but you need to chill out. It takes very little effort to bow your head at the table and say grace, or to stand in a church for an hour or two and bear witness to the joy of your friend, or to smile politely and excuse yourself the next time a zealot tries to sell you on the Lord. It’s called “playing well with others.”
I can’t tell if you actually have any interest in my answer to your question or if you just wanted a forum in which to tee born-agains up high and hit them long, but as to what you should do about the Bible-thumping e-mails – does your e-mail program not have a “delete” function? If you don’t want to read them, don’t. Put them in the trash. And for chrissakes – so to speak – grow up.
Tags: etiquette friendships
