Dear Sars,

My problem isn’t so much
mine as that of a friend — I’ve run out of ideas on how to deal with
this alone and I decided that based on your level-headed advice, and
abilities as a third party outsider, you might be able to help.

This
past winter, several of my friends started talking to some guy online
(he IMed them first, while they were working at our college radio
station) who, in theory, lives really far away. They continued to
talk to him, got to be friends, et al. Cut a long and complicated
story short, one of my best friends fell in love with him, and he
claims to be in love as well. They talk on the phone, on IM, et cetera, but
have never met, despite having been in a relationship for the past six-plus
months. This is where it gets tricky and where the heartbreak begins.

He’s claimed to be coming over to the U.S. on business several times in
the past but something has always “come up” at the last minute, so
she’s never met him. He’s now, in theory, working in the U.S., but
still keeps bailing on her. Sars, she’s told me about what company
he’s supposedly working for and what city and what work he’s doing.
It’s a major company, I Googled it, and they have no offices in the
city he purportedly works in.

She’s a wonderful person, but very trusting and naive and does
believe that people are good and I don’t think it’s ever crossed her
mind that he’s totally running a sham on her. I know she’s a grownup
(we’re all in college) and I just want to be there for her. But at
the same time, I don’t know how many times I can watch her get her
heart broken but keep going back for more.Complications stemming
from this guy have already damaged several friendships in our group
and as a result, she’s become really quiet about all of this and
doesn’t share much at all regarding this stuff. How can I be a good
and supportive friend for her without furthering her beliefs that’s
he’s a great guy, in love with her and not scamming her big time? Any
advice you have, I would greatly appreciate.

Thank you,
Trying to be a good friend

Dear Trying,

Tell her what you found out on Google; tell her you care about her, and you support her, and you don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to you about this guy…but you think there’s something shady going on, and you think she should have that information.You won’t judge what she decides to do with it, but you think he’s off in some way, and you wouldn’t feel right not saying so.

If she gets mad or defensive, or shuts down, well, you’ve done your due diligence as a friend and that’s that.You can’t make her get that claiming to be “in love with” someone she’s never met, who’s full of excuses for why that is and who’s causing problems with people she actually knows, is hinky and sort of pathetic; you’ve tried, gently, I assume, but sometimes people just refuse to see what’s in front of them and there’s just not a lot you can do about it.

But “being a good and supportive friend” and “perpetrating the delusions of a person who’s maybe not experienced enough to see what’s going on” aren’t in fact the same thing.Sometimes, being a good, supportive friend means saying things people don’t want to hear and getting some heat in return.

Sars,

I was hoping to get your opinion on an issue I am experiencing with my
husband.He recently completed a three-year assignment with the
military overseas, including various deployments to unsafe places.I
accompanied him, and the time overseas was mostly pleasant.It was
difficult to be away from family and, if we were fortunate, would be
able to visit at least once a year.We have been back in the States now
for four months.

I realize there is a period of adjustment that we must
go through and I have been giving my husband his space.The problem is,
he spends most of his free time with his unemployed brother playing
videogames and watching TV.The also tend to treat themselves to
rather pricey lunches ($25 a pop) that my husband always pays for.They
also see a lot of movies and guess who picks up the tab?I work
full-time and my husband works part-time.I realize that he hasn’t seen
his brother much in the last three years and that they are catching up.
The problem is that when they are together (most of the time), they
accomplish nothing but leaving empty food containers and pop cans around
the house.I cringe when I come home from work to hear his brother call
out “what’s for dinner?”

I have spoken with my husband several times
about this and he counters with the three years overseas and that he
thinks I really don’t like his brother.That wasn’t true until recently,
when he is always at our house complaining that we don’t have the type
of Gatorade he drinks or that we are out of chips.What can I do to
reduce the amount of time-suckage that goes on, or am I just not being
an understanding wife and should give him more time?I’d appreciate any
suggestions you have.

Thanks,
S

Dear S,

I agree that there’s a readjustment period to go through, and I can’t speak to how long that might take or how the readjusting gets accomplished — but I don’t see “adjusting” here.I see drifting.

It’s one thing for him to need some time to get his bearings, but the three-year deployment and the freeloading brother are two completely different issues, and it’s unfair of your husband to throw the deployment up in your face when 1) you got hit with that stick too, and 2) he’s exerting a proportionately larger drag on the household finances than you are, not cleaning up after himself, letting his brother abuse your hospitality, and whatever all else that, again, have nothing to do with re-entering civilian life and everything to do with making excuses for acting selfish and lazy.

Again, a little me time is fine for him if it’s not putting a strain on anyone else, but you need to sit him down and get a few things straight, namely that his brother can start paying for meals or he can eat at his own house; that they both know where the damn trash can is; and that, frankly, you don’t want to hear about the three years overseas during arguments about other subjects, because it’s not relevant.

Tell him everything you just told me, in other words — you like his brother, but you need to see a lot less of him, and you need to not be blown off with whiny irrelevancies when you raise concerns about household income.He’s manipulating you with this stuff, and it’s working.Put a stop to it.

Dear Sars,

I’m a
grad student, and for the most part I just dwell in my little cave, but
yesterday I actually got released into the sunshine and warmth for a
glorious afternoon of actual Human Contact. (I even put on clothes with
buttons and neatly pressed pants!)The whole outing was engineered by a
close friend of my aunt, who introduced us at a dinner.Said
friend-of-aunt just so happens to be a VP at a place I’d very much like to
work, and she arranged to have me come down and talk to some people — we
did lunch and I made some great contacts.

Naturally I want to bestow the
proper gratitude upon her for taking a lot of time out of her schedule to
parade me about door to door, but what’s appropriate?It seemed that an
email just wouldn’t convey the depths of my appreciation. Perhaps a real
letter, typed on letterhead? Or a nice little note card? Stick with the
email? Time is a factor as well, I don’t want to not thank her while I’m
waiting for the post to get through!

Thanks,
Wanted to sent flowers and chocolate, but the boyfriend talked me out of
it

Dear Well, You’re Not Dating Her,

A thank-you note on proper stationery is perfectly adequate.Just say everything you said above (well, maybe leave out the part about the cave), thank her for her time, and post it.Sending a brief email in the interim would be okay too, if you don’t want her to think you forgot your manners.

Dear Sars,

I was wondering if you could offer some advice on the
following — it’s something I didn’t think was an issue, but
one of my colleagues reacted with horror when I told her,
so now I’m not sure.

Boyfriend and I have just bought a two-bedroom flat to
accommodate the baby we’re expecting in August.The new
place is brilliant and it’s ours, but the best thing is
that it has private gardens front and back (very rare in
London), and this is especially important as I wanted a
safe outside place for our child to play.We fell in love
with the property and move in tomorrow — all is bliss.

The issue is this — I don’t smoke, and the smell of smoke
makes my nose and eyes run quite badly.Boyfriend does.
The flat we’re in now is non-smoking and doesn’t have a
garden, so Boyfriend doesn’t have the option to smoke.He
didn’t mind at all because he’d just moved out of a flat
(also with no garden) where everyone smoked in the fairly
small and airless front room, and that was too much even
for him.He also agreed that it would be better for him to
cut down, so he now only smokes on nights out with his
friends, and he says he doesn’t miss it.

So in the new house, it seems fairly obvious to take the
“no smoking” rule with us — and as we have a garden now, it
applies to that space too.Boyfriend seemed quite happy
with this, and as he’s tried unsuccessfully to stop in the
year that we’ve been living together, is happy that there
are rules to restrict him, otherwise he would smoke all the
time.

The problem is that when I told the colleague this, she was
horrified and said, “You can’t stop him smoking in his own
garden — it’s outside!”My immediate reaction was that I
could, because it’s mine too, and it’s we agreed, and there
is no issue.Anyhow, the conversation went on, and she
realised that the smoking ban also included house-guests.
Several of our friends smoke, including this colleague,
and to be honest, it never occurred to me that I would be
considered outrageous not allowing them to smoke on our
property.I actually thought it would be unfair to have
all of them smoking when Boyfriend isn’t allowed to, and
also, I don’t want people smoking in our garden, especially
when I’m pregnant, or there’s a baby present (read — from
now on).

My question is: am I being completely unreasonable?Is it
unacceptable to invite people to what will be a largely
outside event, and ask them not to smoke? I suspect that it
might be, but on the other hand, I can’t go near Boyfriend
when he’s even had a cigarette on the way to the shop — he
needs to change his clothes I find the smell that
problematic.He seems fine about this, and will shower
after coming home from a night out because he knows that
otherwise I can’t sleep.But then another part of me knows
that I may be being a little overprotective of the baby
because I don’t want it to see its father smoke, or for
its play garden to be full of smokers at any point.I
(probably stupidly) worry about its tiny nose and lungs if
he was to pick it up with smoky clothes.

Anyhow, I was wondering what you (I seem to remember you
being a smoker) thought.

Thanks,
Possibly Over-Protective Pre-Mother

Dear Not Really,

I can’t imagine getting “horrified” at anyone else’s rules about smoking in his or her own home, baby on the way or not.Most people don’t smoke and don’t allow it in their homes; in those cases, I’m happy to wait until the event is over, or step out onto the stoop or into the yard, but if it’s not allowed in the yard either…it’s not, and I walk to the corner.Rules of the house.

I wouldn’t be quite that strict, but that isn’t the point — the point is that I am not you, but if I were, I’d set the “no smoking anywhere on the property” rule anyway, and if guests don’t like it, they can stay home.And honestly, it’s not like the rule is unreasonable; the vast majority of smokers do not in fact think that it’s a charming habit, or that we should get to smoke anywhere we please, even around little kids.Truly, how long does the average dinner party last — four hours?It’s not that difficult to get through, really, and again, if potential guests just plain smoke too much to cope with a few hours of privation, they can not come over.

I don’t think occasional exposure to smoking or to the smell of smoke is all that harmful to babies, like if your boyfriend has a smoke on the way home from a bar and then picks the baby up; babies are pretty tough, and the average infant isn’t going to develop asthma from that, probably, if it only happens a few times.But again, that isn’t the point.The point is that the two of you agree on a smoking policy, generally and regarding your child, and you abide by it.Less exposure to smoke is never a bad idea, unless you’re going way overboard and wheeling the kid around in a teeny iron lung, so don’t worry about what other people think.

Hi Sars,

My mom and I have an ongoing debate out the meaning of the word “raw”
as it refers to weather.I think it refers to cold, dry weather with
a biting wind, the same way you would look at raw meat in the grocery
store freezer, and think, damn, that shit is very raw.She contends
that “raw” refers to cold, wet weather, like when it’s already
frickin’ freezing and it starts raining on top of that.I’m thinking
it’ll be a raw day in hell before I believe her claim.What say you?

Signed,
I Can’t Believe I Majored in Linguistics

Dear I Don’t Know That That’s Relevant,

Raw weather is cold and wet.Webster’s 11C lists the weather-related definition as “disagreeably damp or cold,” with no mention of wind; my idea of raw weather has always been November rain — temps in the low 40s, that misty precipitation, and it just sits in your bones.

I would concede a definition of “raw” weather as just “extremely cold,” but specifically “cold and dry,” no.Your mom’s right.

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