The Vine: May 3, 2001
Okay, so here’s the deal. My boyfriend, Sam, and I are getting married. To alleviate any bad circumstances or even the slightest twinge of jealousy, we’ve agreed not to invite any of our exes to the wedding. Although I have remained friends with all of my ex-boyfriends, excluding one particularly fucked-up lying sack of shit (that bastard), it’s all fine and good with me, except for one thing.Before I met Sam, Jack was my best friend in college. We did everything together, like went shopping and drank beer and stayed up late throwing eggs at drunk frat boys. Jack had always been a little bit attracted to me, and there was a side of me that kind of liked him too, but he wasn’t necessarily the type of guy I would want as a boyfriend. Nonetheless, one night things got a little crazy and we ended up doing things that “just friends” don’t do, like have hot erotic sex. (To this day, I take no responsibility for any of that and feel no qualms about blaming it all on one ever-so-manipulative Bottle O’ Gin.) After that, we both felt like maybe we should test out this “evolved” relationship, and we carried it on for a few weeks, decided we were better off as friends, and both went home to our respective cities for the summer. I talked to him maybe twice all summer in a normal what’s-up-with-you-esque way.
Enter Sam. That summer we met and fell in love. We didn’t go to the same school, so when it was time to go back, Sam came with me to help me move in. The first night I was back, I naturally wanted to get together with all of the old gang who I had missed all summer, and this of course included Jack. Me, Sam, Jack, and all of my friends went out. Everything was fine at first. Sam didn’t know that anything had ever really happened with Jack, and I thought that Jack and I were back to our old pre-“incident” ways. But somewhere in the night something went awry. To my surprise, Jack ended up causing a huge scene because he was under some drunken impression that we were still together, in turn making Sam feel like an asshole because I allegedly already had a boyfriend, making me feel like an asshole because apparently there had been some miscommunication between Jack and me, and making Jack look like an asshole because, well, because he was making himself look like an asshole.
So it all got figured out. Jack apologized to me and Sam, I apologized, there was all of this apologizing going on. And Jack and I got over it, never spoke a word of it again, and lived happily ever after in our little college world and remained the best of friends for the rest of our college days, and that whole incident seems like it happened to me in my first life as a butterfly, which was a couple hundred years ago.
Sam, on the other hand, detests Jack to this day. Considering they met under such circumstances and have not had a postive interaction since, I understand why he would be a bit betruffled. But Jack has nothing against Sam, and probably hasn’t thought about that whole event since the Bush Administration. And although I don’t consider Jack in any way an ex-boyfriend because that incident was such a miniscule part of our friendship in the grand scheme of things, I know that he is technically, in Sam’s eyes, an ex-boyfriend, and therefore he will not be invited to the wedding.
So finally, the question: How can I tactfully explain to my best friend that he will not be invited to my wedding? I feel so bad that he will not be able to share this day with me.
Girl in a state
Dear Girl,
I wonder about the fact that Sam and Jack “haven’t had a positive interaction” since meeting each other years ago. Jack’s your best friend, and he and Sam can’t get along? I don’t know whose fault that is, but it sounds like a pissing contest to me, and either way, you need to address the insecurities getting played out there. I also wonder about the no-exes-at-the-wedding rule. If either of you has stayed good enough friends with your exes to invite them, what’s the harm? The whole flap seems sort of childish to me.
I’d tell Sam to suck it up and make an exception, because the “rule” is sort of silly, and because it’s your best friend and Sam’s putting you in an impossible position.
But, in answer to your actual question…there’s no way to explain “tactfully” that you can’t invite Jack to the wedding. It’s a junior-high lunch-table stunt, and that’s exactly how it’s going to sound. You’ll have to tell him that Sam won’t “let you” invite him to the wedding, in those words. Maybe then you’ll realize how immature they sound.
Hi Sars!I love reading the advice you give out…and now I need a little bit of it.
I’m a 20-year-old girl who has been dating this boy (we’ll call him J) for almost three months now. Although I have had other boyfriends before him, he is my first love. Because of this fact, I have tried to make our relationship go as smooth as possible: I don’t smother him; I give him his space if he needs it; I give him as many nights out with his guy friends as he wants without complaining; I have been a good girl about not flirting with other guys, which I usually have a big tendency to do. He is a really sweet guy and I am just so head over heels for him. I like to think that the feelings are mutual. He did not rush me into sex, but waited as long as I needed (he’s only the second guy I’ve ever slept with). He told me he loved me after we had only been going out a little under a month, which I thought of as sketch, but he has always treated me very well, before and since then. He has introduced me to his whole family (who all like me), driven me out of state to meet his grandma, and we have plans this summer to go stay with his dad in NY for a weekend. We work together, and everyone at work tells me how lucky I am to have him, how lucky he is to have me, and they always point out to me how crazy he is for me. I feel lucky to have such a great boyfriend.
Now, I know three months isn’t the longest time to be dating someone, but he has already said stuff about how he wants us to get married in the future, et cetera (he’s 20 also). I never used to want to get married until I met him. Even though I have never told him this, I too feel like I want us to get married someday. I used to have dreams at night about guys like Brad Pitt; now I dream about settling down with my boyfriend someday. And I have never said any of that marriage crap about any other guy I’ve ever met, let alone dated. He is definitely a guy’s guy, but he has done so many cute romantic little things for me, and is so sweet and ALWAYS, always follows through with plans…well, until lately, that is.
In the past couple of weeks, he has had a couple of nights where he’ll say, “I’ll call,” and then doesn’t. Especially this week comes to mind because he did it three times…Tuesday and Wednesday nights he made plans without including me, even though we had previously agreed to hang out those nights. Tuesday night passed, I said, fine, no prob. I figured, oh, I’ll see him Wednesday. Wednesday rolls around, and he calls and basically tells me, “Oh us boys are going to the Red Sox…see ya tomorrow.” I was hurt, and I told him that on Thursday in the most gentle manner possible, and explained that my feelings were hurt that I had been not invited to the baseball game he and his friends went to, and we had made plans to hang out…and he was so apologetic and said he didn’t realize I had wanted to go blah blah and was upset that he’d hurt my feelings. We went out on Friday and had such a great time, it was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. But he has not called me since, even though we had made plans to hang out today, and never did.
Do you think his interest is waning? Am I just being a psycho and do I need to calm down? Or, if you think his interest is waning, should I just break up with him before he breaks up with me and breaks my heart? I love him, but I also love myself enough to not want to be hurt, or to stick around in a relationship where I feel hurt. I have done everything in my power to give him space if that is what he needs, but I feel like I got burned three times this week, and my feelings are really hurt right now that he makes plans with me, then breaks them to hang out with the boys. I don’t MIND him hanging out with the guys; I just wish he wouldn’t break our plans to do so. If you have any advice for me, on either what I can do to make myself feel better, or what I can do to not feel so hurt, please please tell me. I am sorry this is so long, and I know I must sound slightly crazy, but I am still hurting and needed to vent. Hope to hear from you soon.
Some Crazy Girl from Boston
Dear Crazy,
I wouldn’t say that he’s losing interest; maybe he’s starting to take you for granted a little bit, but maybe you’ve started to take him a little bit for granted too.
Why do you feel the need to stress in your letter that you’ve “been good,” that you’ve done all the stereotypical girl things that stereotypical guys like — giving him space, not flirting with other boys, not fencing him in? I’m not attacking you; I’m asking. Because that’s the problem: you’ve bent over backwards to give him space, but when he takes it, you get mad.
You can’t have it both ways. You’ve deliberately kept out of his face so that you wouldn’t lose him, and it’s backfiring now.So, you have two choices: continue playing “good girl” and staying out of his grill, or put your foot down and demand that he honor his commitments to you and put you first.There’s nothing wrong with either one, but you can’t expect him to read your mind.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette
