The Bridezilla letter in The Vine was wrong re: shower invitations etiquette. According to every source I’ve seen, it’s fine to put registry information in shower invitations, because the whole point of a shower is to get gifts. To try to make it look like you’re not expecting gifts is silly — that’s the whole point of a shower. You are showered with gifts. It’s a whole different story with a wedding — as you know, people should attend your wedding and/or reception because they want to share in your joy and show support for your marriage, and no gift is required.

Anyway, I know that wasn’t even the point of the letter. From my recent experience, I think many brides are really sensitive about being a bridezilla. It’s possible the maid of honor was sort of kidding. If the bride is close enough to Cindy to make her the maid of honor, she should be close enough to her to say, “Look, I’m really stressed out about this wedding planning, so I’m sorry if I’m being difficult. I don’t want to be, and I didn’t think I was. Let’s talk about it.” Which is basically the advice you gave, so I’ll shut up now.

Kim

I’ll get right to the point. My lifelong friend, who we’ll call “Anna,” just got a divorce from “Jack.” About a year ago, Jack woke up one day and told Anna that he had never “really” loved her and that he wanted a divorce. Anna obviously was crushed, and tried to get Jack to work through their problems. He didn’t want to work on their problems, he just wanted out. So, many tortured months later, Jack and Anna divorce.

Anna has developed a solid hatred for Jack, but still wants an explanation as to why he left her. She doesn’t think that the lack of love and “I just want different things” to be enough explanation. Anna’s self-esteem took a big big hit, and she is having a very hard time dealing with the divorce.

Now here’s my problem. I recently learned from another friend in our combined social circle, who we will call “Gary,” that Jack was having an affair for possibly six months before he left Anna. Jack is now living with the girlfriend; we’ll call her “Maria.” I was told by a separate friend months ago that Jack was seen at a party flirting with and possibly kissing Maria. When I started asking around if Jack did have a fling with Maria, all my sources said that it wasn’t true, so I didn’t tell Anna that I had some suspicions that Jack was cheating. Gary has said that he feels as though he should tell Anna everything. But I am still torn…

So these are my questions:

1. Do I tell Anna now that I KNOW that Jack was cheating on her?
2. Do I tell Anna everything? That I had heard the earlier rumor about Jack and Maria, or just say that Jack was
cheating and leave it at that?
3. Or do I keep my mouth shut and let Gary do the dirty work?

Signed,
Spinning in Social Circles

I value your advice greatly, so I thought I’d toss this
across your plate. Two nights ago, this kick-ass guy I
had been seeing for a little while — we’ll call him
RedFox (a codename he actually came up with for
himself when we were trying to thwart the gate system
of my apartment complex. Codenames were his idea — can
you stand him? He’s fabulous!) — and I somewhat
mutually decided we are no longer going to be involved
romantically. There really wasn’t a great deal of room
for negotiation on that point, since one of us wants a
relationship and one of us doesn’t…I’ll let you sort
out who belongs to each side. Positive spin: we still
like the hell out of each other and plan to keep
hanging out as friends (though I asked for a few weeks
to get a little space and crying time).

So what’s my problem? Heh — many things, but the
specific problem here relates to a birthday present I
had planned to buy him whilst we were still strange
bedfellows. His birthday is in a couple of months, and I had
already started the (rather arduous) process of
scouring the globe for the complete audio recording of
The Chronicles of Narnia. It was something we talked
about when we first met — I had been in the play twice,
and he used to listen to the tapes as a kid with his
father. The topic came up several more times in
passing since, and he has rather wistfully mentioned
each time that he wished he still had a set of the
tapes. Soooo…would it be too weird for me to go
ahead and get them for him anyway? It looks like I’ll
have to order them from the UK, which I don’t mind,
and they’ll probably run me around $65 or so, which I
don’t mind either. But is it too much, too big, et cetera,
since we are just merging into the friendship lane
after taking the nearest exit off the Romance
Expressway? I’m honestly not trying to win his heart
or anything with it…sometimes I really like to give
people gifts I know they’ll totally dig and wouldn’t
ever buy for themselves.

Thanks — you rock the llama.

Short Bus Betsy

I can’t believe I may have something for The Vine!

Please offer your seasoned perspective: I’ve started up an email friendship
with my ex-boyfriend recently. Let’s call him “Q.” Nice kid; we never had
anything spectacular, we only dated for a couple of months five years ago,
not-even-a-blip-on-my-emotional-radar-today-cakes. Currently involved with
Love Of My Life for four-plus years. Q and I live in different cities; he
sought me out a few months ago and we started emailing once a week or so.
My life has hit a rough patch due to my parents’ upcoming divorce, and Q’s
emails have actually been able to offer a unique perspective that my other
friends and LoML don’t. It helps me out to email him, and I think we will be
progressing to the “talk on the phone” or “possibly visit while in town”
kind of friendship. Can you see where this is going? It’s not.

When Q and I parted ways amicably several years ago, he was accused of
raping a then-friend of mine, in my apartment, at a party of mine. Let’s
call her “H.” H and I were not great friends, and therefore she never told
me directly about the alleged rape — I found out from a mutual friend, let’s
call her “T.” The secondhand story from T was that H was sleeping on the
floor with several other people, fell asleep to Q pawing at her, and woke up
with her pants and underwear around her ankles. Not really why she was sure
she thought she was raped.

T believed her, but I always had my doubts: Q and H used to date rather
seriously (which I always was fine with); H was still attracted to Q, but
had a boyfriend at the time; and H could be a drama queen. Plus we were all
rather seriously drunk, and there were at least five other people in the
room sleeping with them who heard nothing! I don’t believe T or H have ever
confronted Q about this, and I think Q and H still keep in touch
occasionally. Q, H, and T both moved out of town shortly thereafter, and I
have only recently heard from just Q.

I am definitely creeped out to think that someone I dated, or am friends
with, would be a rapist, but strongly have my doubts that he is. I have
zero desire to pursue a relationship with him, and would like to have a
friendship — but not if he’s a rapist! I really really want to ask him about
this — get his side of the story — but for all I know she made it up to get
attention (which she did get) and never told him about it. Bringing it up
to him could really hurt him if he didn’t know and it isn’t true. What
should I do? Be friends with him even though he’s a possible rapist? Say
something to see if he comes clean? Have a big bowl of
let-bygones-be-bygones?

Thanks in advance for the Sars-riffic advice.

BTW, I’ve been following your writing since your Smoking Section days, and just
read the book Fucked Companies by Philip J. Kaplan. He mentioned that he
also worked for/with Adam Curry and I wondered if you knew or met each other,
seeing as how you’re both funny as shit.

Not A Stalker, Just Observant

The background: I am an observant (albeit liberal) Jew. This means, among
other things, that I follow the dietary regulations, pray three times a day,
and take seriously my religious and spiritual obligations, according to my
best understanding of Jewish law. I have a friend who, like me, grew up in a
moderately observant household (I am more observant than my parents, or than
hers), and when we about 16, we swore that if we ever had children and died,
we would want the other person to raise our kids.

Well, last year, we turned 38, and this year, my friend died, very
unexpectedly. This is all a huge shock, but the biggest shock of all was
that in her will, she named me the guardian of her two children. She wrote
me a letter, which I will tell you more about in a little bit, but the first
thing she did in it was to remind me of that promise we made when we were
16.

In the 22 intervening years, she met a Muslim man. Despite their
reservations about this particular brand of intermarriage, they eventually
fell in love. In an attempt to resolve the religious differences, they each
studied the other’s religion. While they both found things to admire in the
other’s faith, neither was really willing to convert. When they decided to
marry in spite of this, they ran into the problem that there are virtually
no rabbis in the U.S. who will perform mixed marriages, so they could not be
married in a religious Jewish ceremony. However, he could marry her under
Islamic law, so they had a Muslim wedding.

Now to do this, she had to agree that their children would be raised as
Muslims. (I gather that under Islamic law, children get their religion from
their father. Under Jewish law, their religion comes from their mother, and
she was a practicing Jew until she died, so according to Jewish law, these
are Jewish children.) Anyway, they had two beautiful little boys and were
raising them as Muslims. Their father died three years ago, and since then,
his family has been responsible for the boys’ religious training. Their
spiritual advisor and her rabbi worked out some kind of arrangements
regarding food so that they could all eat in their home. I do not know the
details, but I do know that she kept a glat kosher kitchen, but helped her
sons observe (in age-appropriate ways) their obligations under Islamic law.
Let me be absolutely clear about this: I myself do not know enough about
Islam to know what these obligations are.

So here is my situation. My lifelong friend has just died, and has left me
(without my prior knowledge) the guardianship of her children, as well as
the trusteeship of their trust. The boys (aged 8 and 14) are currently
staying with her MIL, but there is a court date next month to determine
guardianship. I have known these children their whole lives, and they have
been a part of my extended family celebrations (for example, they and their
mother were generally guests at our Seder). However, it is a huge issue for
me to bring these children into my home. I have two daughters (aged four and six)
and a husband, and we have a very Jewish lifestyle. I am completely ignorant
of Islam, except for what I have gathered over the years from my friend.

My lawyer assures me that if I do not agree to this guardianship, the court
will make another disposition for the boys. Which brings me to the letter.
My friend wrote 12 pages about why she did this to me. She specifically does
not want either set of grandparents to have custody, even though all four
are in excellent health and would love to have the boys. Her fear was that
if her in-laws got them, they would be exposed to anti-Jewish sentiments.
And if her parents got them, they would decide that since the boys are
Jewish according to Jewish law, they should be raised as Jews. And she
faithfully promised to raise them as Muslims.

But I cannot see how introducing Muslim children into my very observant
Jewish household is going to work well for them or for us. I am not nearly
educated enough, and with the oldest boy being 14, I don’t have time to get
educated enough, to support this dual religion home. And while I loved my
friend and was fond enough of her husband, I don’t want my daughters to grow
up thinking that intermarriage is a run-of-the-mill normal thing to do. (I
am not saying it is bad, but I think it is difficult, dangerous, and much
more trouble than people think when they start out. While I would never
reject my children for marrying out, or for being gay, or for losing their
faith, I want them to have life as easy as possible, and I do not think that
marrying out is the easiest choice to live with integrity. My bias, I know.)

I’m all over my friend’s desire to place her children where they will be
loved and where both sides of their heritage will be respected. But I am so
afraid I am not the right person to raise Muslim boys. And I am so not the
right person to take on both sets of grandparents in what the last couple
weeks have convinced me will be continuous battles. And I want her wishes to
be respected. I want these boys to be raised as Muslims, even though my own
religious sensibilities say they are Jewish children. But their parents
decided otherwise and this is not my decision, and I just don’t know what to
do.

My husband, by the way, says that he will support whatever decision I make.
He is very fond of her kids, and is willing to welcome them into our home.
But he won’t help me make the decision beyond that.

Got any ideas?

Woman of the Book (but not the Koran, the other book)