Dear Sars,

I’ve got mom
problems.Yeah, I know we all do, but this seems like something that I
need some outside help on.Here’s the story.

A while back, Allen (my
boyfriend) moved in with my mother and me.Allen and I soon discovered
that my mother was in serious financial trouble, and that her house was
being foreclosed upon.We did all we could to help her out (money-wise,
as well as support and trying to find resources to help her), but in the
end, the house was sold at auction.The good news is that it sold for
more than what the mortgage company wanted, so we got some money to
find a new home with.

So, my mother, Allen and I go house-hunting, to
find a home to rent for all three of us and our zoo of pets.We found a
place that my mother loved.Allen and I thought the rent was too high,
but after several conversations with my mother, it became apparent that
we were moving in, no matter what.So we did.For a while, things
went well.Allen and I worked as the economy allowed, and we scraped
by, using our savings to supplement our income.After about eight months,
Allen and I broke up.Allen had promised my mother that if he and I
ever broke up, he would stay the term of the lease, no matter what.

Well, as you might have guessed, Allen bailed.I personally don’t
blame him, and I was shocked that my mother put the pressure on him to
promise something like that in the first place.After many mean things
were said on both sides, Allen and I reconciled, and have resumed very
cautious dating.My mother and I are now in a terrible financial
position.We can’t afford the place we’re living in.We’ve tried
everything we can think of to make it work, and it just won’t.I even
tried to get a loan from a bank on my car, but that didn’t work.Bear
in mind please that the budget my mother and I worked out was not
something I thought would work in the first place, but I went along
with trying to get the loan because I knew the bank wouldn’t give me
the amount I wanted, and I could use a free credit report.

Mom realized about a week ago that Allen and I had resumed dating, and was
constantly simmering about it.She finally exploded at me one night,
and demanded that I stop seeing him or move out.She also said a lot
of mean, hurtful, and deliberately manipulative things, which makes it
even harder, because she does know how to push my buttons.I chose to
move out.For a few days, I stayed with friends, to see if the
situation calmed down, and to maybe work things out with my mother.We
spoke last night, and she was fine with the idea of me moving out, and
even took care of me this morning when I woke up with a migraine.
Today, she exploded when we spoke again of me moving out, and told me
that I was betraying her, leaving her when she needed me the most, and
making a choice that I would regret for the rest of my life.

Now I
realize that breaking the lease is bad, and that it’s going to go on my
credit report, but I still think it’s better than getting a loan from a
finance company and losing my car in the process.I love my mom a lot.
I can’t deal with her controlling my life any more, and I refuse to
let her drag me down with her into the black hole that is her financial
situation.In addition, she blames Allen for the entire situation
(even though when he moved out, although he wasn’t working, he borrowed
an entire month’s rent, plus bills, so that we would have the rent for
that month).

I might be inclined to blame Allen if he had worked the
entire time he lived with us, but instead he received unemployment
checks.This isn’t to say that he didn’t look for work, because he
did, every day.There just isn’t a whole lot of work to be found at
the moment.So, back to the meat of the story — is it acceptable to
bail on a lease I feel I was forced into by someone who wants to
control my life to the max?I realize that at 22 I don’t know
everything, but I think I know a sinking ship when I see it.Is it my
responsibility to go down with it?I know this is a tough issue, and a
long one, so feel free to edit or ask me any questions to clarify the
situation.Any of your thoughts on this would be wonderful!

Thanks,
Sick of the Mama-Drama

Hey Sars,

I’ll make this a short one. I have a friend who flirts a lot. I get a certain buzz when she flirts with me, even though it’s never anything more than innocent flirtation. Somehow, however, I’ve recently become exceedingly jealous when she flirts with other people, no matter how innocent it is. I have very little idea where this comes from — I know it’s a totally innocent thing, yet I get damn near enraged. I don’t even want to bring it up with said parties, because I don’t want them thinking I can’t handle the “adult”-ness of it.

So, in short, jealous over something I really shouldn’t be, not sure what to do. Any advice beyond simply “get over it”?

Jealousy, Hates Company

Dear Sars,

I need some advice, please.My boyfriend and I are in a long -distance relationship.He’s actually been gone longer than he was
here.This is not really the problem.

He doesn’t think that I am
jealous enough.He is constantly telling me about girls and then
asking me if I am jealous.He is upset when my response isn’t
vehement enough.The deal is, I AM jealous, but I am mature enough
to trust him.Besides, quite frankly, if he wants someone else, she
can have him.I’m not going to stroke his ego and fight over him.
Should I express a little bit of jealousy occasionally, and make him
happy, or should I rebel against his manipulative behavior and tell
him to grow up?Thanks.

Not green enough

Dear Sars,

I was engaged to my First Love when I was 17.We both went off to colleges
in separate states, and (I know you’re shocked at this part) it didn’t work
out.I broke it off with him near the end of our freshman year.It was
messy and I knew I’d hurt him awfully, but I also knew I was doing the
right thing.

I’d see him every now and again over the next four
years.The last time I saw him, he told me two things that have really
stuck with me.He said I had hurt him so badly, he wasn’t even able to be
close friends with guys, let alone women.He then told me, “You do know
that we’re never going to be together again, don’t you?” and I guess up
until that point, I had sort of assumed that we would, someday, once we’d
both done some growing up.

Fast forward to now, seven years since that last night I saw him.I’ve
been happily married to a lovely man for three years, but First Love still
haunts me.I find myself thinking of him more often than I think I should
— usually after I’ve had a dream about him.These seem to occur about once
a month or so.I know that trying to contact him isn’t the right thing to
do.It seems like that would be horribly mean, since I did hurt him so
badly, and I’m sure he’s been happy to put our relationship behind him.Not
to mention that I’m not sure what I’d want from him in the first place if I
did contact him.To know that he’s doing well?I don’t know.I guess
what I’d really like is to quit dreaming about him.Do you have any advice
on how to banish a lost love?

Sincerely,
Sleeping with Shadows

Dear Sars,

I’m a college co-ed, and I’ve found my dream college boyfriend. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s intelligent. I’m glad I’ve got him, and I couldn’t be happier.

Except.

He has a tendency to become what I call Mr. Enlightened Buddha Guy from time to time. It’s the only thing about him I can’t stand. He just takes his interest in Eastern philosophy a bit too far, thinks he’s the shit cause he’s not buying into “Western” ideals. Most recently, he’s decided that it would be interesting for him to: 1) fast during daylight hours; 2) abstain from listening to music, watching the television, using a computer, or sex; and finally and most annoyingly, 3) abstain from talking, any kind of talking that’s not something short and necessary scribbled on a notecard. In theory it doesn’t seem like much to deal with, right?

I was never very impressed with the idea to begin with, but he batted his green eyes at me and said, “I wish you’d support me about this,” and I caved. Now it’s two days in and I find myself increasingly frustrated with the whole thing. I can handle the fast, I can handle him not using technology, I can even handle him taking up celibacy (briefly), but I can’t stand him not talking. I’m a verbal person; talking is how I become close to someone. Now I see him, and all I can do is wave and give him a hug. I hate it. This is the first time I’ve thought of breaking up with him (though not very seriously), because this whole situation feels like it was dreamed up on the short bus to me.

He and I live in different cities whenever we’re not at college, and I can handle not seeing him. I can even handle not talking to him for days on end. And yet this fast has me feeling awkward and angry. This is something he might be doing twice a year, and I am NOT looking forward to dealing with this in the future. So I’m torn, while this isn’t killing me, it isn’t making me very happy either. Should I put my foot down or should I let him have his “enlightened” fun?

Ticked in Texas