The Vine: May 20, 2005
Hello, Sars:
First of all, thank you for making my days brighter with Tomato Nation.
Regarding the proper way to serve yourself and eat a portion of Brie: My mother always told me that it is extremely impolite to “gut” the Brie wedge, leaving the hard crust for others to maneuver around. If you don’t enjoy the crust, she always said to simply serve yourself an entire piece of cheese neatly and then cut away the crust once it’s on your own plate. (By the way, Manners International agrees with Mom.)
On another note, many Americans don’t realize that, in France, it is considered very rude to cut the tip off of a pie-shaped piece of Brie. The correct way to serve is from the side of the wedge.
Hope this is helpful,
Try the Goat’s Milk Brie — It’s Awesome
Dear It Really Is,
Thanks for the tip.Some people find the taste of the rind too concentrated and strong, which is fine, but don’t ugly up the plate by scooping out the soft part.In other words, it’s like double-dipping; you can do it at home (as do we all), but at parties, be courteous to others and refrain.
Sars,
I’m at a crossroads in my life.This past year has been so wonderful,
and I’ve made so many changes for the better.
I recently made another change in deciding to leave my job of six
years.I know it’s not the best time to leave a job that provides
steady income and benefits, but I’ve been unhappy for the last two
years or so.Also, the company was recently sold, and I think a lot
of changes (probably not positive ones) are in the works.So, I’m
leaving a job I’m unhappy in, and I’ve decided to leave the entire
state.Why not start with a clean slate?
Where am I moving?That’s the big unanswered question.My options
are State A or State B (where I’m originally from).There are many
pros and cons for both locations.What it boils down to is this: If I
move to State A, I’d have my freedom, but I’d be living paycheck to
paycheck (again).If I moved to my home state, I’d be able to save
money and pay off some debt, but I wouldn’t necessarily have the
freedom and privacy to which I’ve grown accustomed.
Any words of wisdom you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
“I wouldn’t necessarily have the freedom and privacy to which I’ve grown accustomed.”That sounds like a euphemism for “I don’t want my mother all up in my shit” to me.Not that that’s a bad basis on which to make decisions, but you’re a voting adult, so I’m not sure how living close to your family limits your freedom and privacy…unless you let it.
I can’t really tell you which is the better choice for you, because you haven’t given me enough information on either side, but I can point out that, if the only thing stopping you from choosing State B is that you haven’t set proper boundaries with your family, maybe it’s time to do that, and to stop letting their ability (or tendency, or whatever) to boss you extend to where you choose to live.
Dear Sars,
I need some advice on a friendship issue. My friend
(let’s call her B) and I
are both originally from the same city in Australia;
however, we currently
live in England, where we met through a mutual
friend (I’ll call her A)
who’s now back in Australia.
B is currently back in our home town having a
holiday and catching up with
friends and family. It’s her first trip back since
she moved here two years
ago.
I’ve been concerned about her recently, as I know how
hard it is to go back
and visit everyone and then have the extra pressure
of having to think
whether living in England is the right choice, or
whether she should move
back to Oz (I’ve been through this myself). The day
before she left she was
really worried about it.
Unfortunately since New Year’s Eve there’s been
problems sending text
messages to Oz, and I wasn’t sure if she was getting
my messages (which we
always send when either of us is away travelling) as
she hasn’t been able to
send them back. So I spoke with A and asked her to
let B know she’s being
missed in London, just to reassure her in case the
lack of messages made her
feel like she wasn’t being missed.
I’ve since received an email from A telling me to
back off and leave her
alone et cetera et cetera, when all I was trying to do was be a
considerate and
understanding friend. My question is, do you think
that I was trying to be a
good friend or was I purely interfering, and was A
out of line for making me
feel like a blubbering imbecile at work (I’m a bit
sensitive as I’m having
an operation in four days!)?
Blubbering mess of pre-op nerves
Dear Mess,
Back off and leave…A alone?Or back off and leave B alone?I mean, either way, A was a bit harsh, and I hope you told her that you’re just concerned about B and A doesn’t have to get stroppy about it.
But on the other hand, you’re coming off as a little bit overly mothery towards B here yourself, and it’s possible that, between your upcoming operation and your own issues about going back to Oz that you might be projecting onto B, you’re kind of overdoing it in the concern department.A’s reaction is still rude, don’t get me wrong, but it may be that you were being a bit pesty and neurotic about it and A got impatient with that.
So yes, A was out of line, and I think your motivations were beyond reproach as far as trying to get in touch with B…but you might consider the possibility that your own insecurities about things were also motivating you.Either way, don’t beat yourself up about it; focus on dealing with the operation.Friends snarl at each other sometimes and it usually blows over.
Hi Sars,
I wrote in a couple years
ago about my (now) ex, call him John.Anyway, John
broke up with me on my 21st birthday, which a fairly new
friend, call him George, threw for me.To make a long
story short, somewhere between my b-day and George’s,
we hooked up.I figured it was a rebound thing, which
I needed pretty badly after John.He screwed me over
in a lot of emotional ways.Well, I’m still with
George.He put up with my shit, helped me through it,
and three years later we’re engaged.
Our relationship is up and down, like any
relationship, but we work through things.
Communication is still a bit of a problem, but again,
being worked on.There’s just one problem…he wants
sex (as a normal 23-year-old man does) and I’m never in
the mood.It’s not that I don’t WANT sex, it’s just
that he doesn’t do what turns me on very often.Or he
will, and then he’ll back off for a bit, then come back
all grabby again.
Any advice on how to push him in the right direction?
I’ve tried telling him what I like, I’ve tried being
really enthusiastic when he does what I like, nothing
seems to work.In every other way, he’s an incredibly
accomodating considerate man, which makes this even
more frustrating.Short of a clue-by-four to the side
of the head, not specifying which one, what can I do?
Shopping for Vibrators
Dear Or Whose Head,
I…don’t think you hear yourself.Because what I hear is, “I’m not attracted to George, and in fact I have trouble talking to him, but I stick around because he cared about me when John didn’t, and I don’t have enough confidence in myself to go after a relationship that actually works.”
I’m not trying to be a bitch, here; I’m not trying to malign you, or George, for that matter, because I’m sure he has his fine qualities.I’m trying to point out to you that George is in fact a rebound thing, still, not in terms of the timing but in terms of the emotions that I think you still haven’t dealt with from John.Because, if you had dealt with those feelings of hurt and worthlessness, I don’t really think you’d be 1) unable to communicate to George clearly that what he does in bed doesn’t work for you, or 2) fixing to marry someone to whom you can’t really speak frankly and with whom you do not enjoy intimacy.
Look, if “accommodating” and “considerate” on their own were good enough reasons to marry a guy, I’d have been married five times already.What you’re basically telling me is that George made you feel wanted after John was an ass to you, and you owe him.I just don’t think that’s enough to base a lifetime commitment on.
Sit George down and speak plainly to him about the problems in bed — kindly, but plainly, because going forward without giving him all the information isn’t fair on either of you.Start having the difficult discussions now about your sexual compatibility; if “communication is a bit of a problem,” work through it, now, before invitations go out.You can’t marry George just because nobody’s given you a compelling reason not to; that in itself is a compelling reason not to.Stop expecting so little from your life.
Dear Sars,
I have been away at school for eight months, and will be returning home in a few days. I’m happy to get to see my family again and am very happy to be through my first year, but…in the last couple of months I’ve put on some weight. It’s nothing huge and I don’t think I look awful, but I’m worried about my family’s reaction.
I’m really not one of those people who fixate on weight. I think I have a fairly healthy self-image and generally like the way I look, despite the ballooning size of my bottom. It’s just that my family tends to be quite judgmental and, since my grades have greatly declined since high school, I fear they’ll see this as yet another example of my incompetence. They have very high standards, and I hate disappointing them on yet another front. I had initially lost weight when I first came to school, and at ten pounds underweight, my mother’s response was “good for you!” I know I shouldn’t care what they think, but I do. I tend to be very sensitive, especially when it comes to my family. I just don’t know how to handle their criticism. Plus, dealing with weight gain in people who you haven’t seen in a while is just plain awkward, and there is little hope that they simply won’t notice.
So, how do I handle this? Is their some trick to dealing parental disappointment that I just haven’t discovered yet? Should I just wear flattering clothes and pray their vision is declining? I know that I’ll lose the weight once I’m back home and in a routine again, so that’s really not the issue…the problem is me not being able to handle the disappointment and judgment which I know will inevitably follow my return home. How do I deal with that?
Thanks for listening,
They Told Me The Freshmen Fifteen Was A Myth…Bastards!
Dear Those Caf Potatoes’ll Kill Ya,
Maybe, before you head home, you should rehearse some responses.Families have a way of getting to us that we can’t always just shake off; it’s easy to say, “Oh, just tell them that kind of comment is inappropriate and hurtful,” and I do think you should do that if it comes to that, but…it doesn’t stop the comment from being made, or from being hurtful.
But if you can practice some responses so that you feel a little more in control of the situation and of your emotions, it might take some of the edge off — you can calmly tell your mom that you don’t appreciate that kind of criticism, because it makes you feel small.Visualize doing it, visualize how the interaction might make you feel (anxious, probably, and maybe like crying), and see if you can’t breathe through it and sort of acclimate yourself to it beforehand so that it’s not as upsetting.
Some parents just…do this.They don’t mean anything by it, usually; they think they’re “trying to help,” or it’s an unconscious means of putting you in your place, keeping you childish and under control, because they aren’t adjusting to the fact that you’re an adult with her own mind and her own way of doing things.If you keep that in mind, it makes it a bit easier not to take it personally, so try to remember that, and try preparing yourself ahead of time for the inappropriate comments so that you’re not flustered; it’ll give you a bit more confidence when the time comes.
And it’s not just you.Mothers have been nastily pinching love handles since time began.It sucks, but you’re not alone.
Tags: etiquette friendships sex the fam
