Dear Sars,

I have an odd problem and can’t think of what to do.I just returned
from a visit with one of my best friends.She has a lovely home.My
last morning there, I made the mistake of glancing up as I exited the
guest bath.There, in the heating vent, I saw the death grimace of a
mummified rat clinging to the grate.God alone knows how long it’s been
there.

I was slightly flipped out.I fled.Tossed my toiletries in
the suitcase, kissed her bye-bye, and burned rubber.But I can’t just
let it stay there for all eternity.Heck, I don’t want to avoid
visiting her out of dread that it is huddled there, awaiting me.I feel
like a bit of an ass for not telling her before I left, but…that
moment is past.So what can I do now?

Chicken of a dead rat!

Dear Sarah,

I’ve been reading Vines from the past for a while now, and I’d like your
opinion if you have the time and inclination.

My boyfriend and I are involved in a long-distance relationship with another
woman.We’ve been dating for almost two years, but we’ve only been together
physically once or twice.We’ve had lots of problems, but since I was the
one who ended the last threesome Boyfriend and I tried, it’s really hard for
me to end this one.I try to talk things over with Girlfriend and
Boyfriend.This has been working, but recently, things haven’t been going
so well.

Girlfriend started a new job, and has been extremely busy.She’s also in
school.So am I.Okay, fair enough, busy schedules frequently lead to no
time for chatting.However, she has also become very critical of Boyfriend
and me.She yelled at Boyfriend for not forcing me to go the doctor when I
had a cold, and then got upset with him when he didn’t know how to react;
she “yelled” at us when we didn’t know how to respond to her paper she wrote
for a class; she yelled at Boyfriend for letting me read said paper because
I’m “overly critical” (I’m a TA at my school, I’ve been reading and
critiquing a lot of student papers, and she asked me to read and comment on
her paper when I was in the middle of this…she didn’t give me anything
specific to look for, so I pointed out some fuzzy statements and some
grammar and spelling areas, and then got yelled at for not “understanding”
her…I have since stopped reading anything of hers, with the exception of
her online journal.She ignores the stories I have sent her; she refuses to
allow Boyfriend or me to have any public link to her on our online journals,
blah dee blah blah angsty-cakes).

Even with all of that, I could still stay in this relationship if I felt
appreciated, or if this was just a temporary thing due to her schedule and
stressful living situation.I haven’t heard anything from her, with the
exception of extremely terse IM conversations, in almost three months.We
have wrangled over the issue of non-communication before, and she had agreed
to at least TRY to initiate contact once in awhile.My father is quite ill
and dying, and I’m writing my master’s thesis…so I could use some support
from my Girlfriend…but I haven’t heard anything (and yes, I have told her
about the other problems going on in my life).

So what’s my question?There are two.First, does the non-communication
(with the exception of terse replies and sniping when we try to have a
serious conversation) from her end sound like she’s broken up with Boyfriend
and me to you?Even if she DOES still want to date us, we’d have no way of
knowing, since emails and IMs go unanswered, and phone calls are discouraged
due to her living with her parents.Given those situations, is there a way
for Boyfriend and me to break up with her?I love her dearly, but she
obviously needs to figure out what she wants in life…and right now, we
don’t seem to be it.

Thank you for any help you can give.

The sad person who uses parenthetical expressions a little too much

Dear Sars,

Your site brightens my day, and I love reading The Vine.I was hoping you
could help me out with a little problem of mine (more specifically, the
problem is about an inch high and two inches long).

So, I graduate from high school and leave for college 700 miles away.I
make new friends, take interesting classes, and just generally do the
“freshman thing.”Back at home, I was always very quiet (unless it involved
politics), I dressed conservatively and I never really went “out” much.

I’m still fairly quiet and dress conservatively (though I do go out a lot
more), but one thing that no one from home, especially my parents, would
ever guess about me is my tattoo.Now, I know that this is a fairly common
problem: “good kid” goes to college, goes a bit nuts, and gets tattoos and/or
piercings, much to her parents’ chagrin.

My tattoo is small (about one by two inches), easily hidden (it’s on my back
near my hip), and tasteful (it’s the claddagh design).I had wanted a
tattoo for about two years, so I had plenty of time to think about what I
wanted, where I wanted it, and what I would think of it when I was older and
applying for jobs (I’ll most likely go into the government, so I know that I
will have to dress professionally all the time).I got the tattoo when I
got to school (I even waited until second semester), because I figured now
was a good time to do so (plus, I had made a deal with a friend to get one
by the end of the year).

My question is, how do I keep this from my parents for as long as possible?
I know that however liberal they might be, if they see the tattoo, my head
is going to roll.I thought that concealing it wouldn’t be a problem (it is
covered by my pants most of the time), but when my sister came to visit me,
she spotted it right away (while we were sitting down and watching TV no
less).I had planned to tell my parents on their deathbeds, but since I am
genetically programmed to worry, I have nightmares about going home over the
summer and my parents finding out.Hopefully, I’ll be working a lot, so
they might not find out just by virtue of me never being home.Since you
have a tattoo, I was hoping you could give me some insights into hiding
it/breaking the news to my parents.

Much appreciated,
Tense and Tattooed

I am a 25-year-old girl living in NYC. I’ve been with
my boyfriend for almost five years, and we’ve lived
together since we both graduated college two years ago.
I love him dearly. He is an absolutely wonderful
person, a great partner, a great roommate,
affectionate, supportive, everything you could ask
for. He’s mentioned marriage a few times, and is
completely devoted to me. I’m a little freaked out by
the idea of marriage per se, but I see myself with him
for the foreseeable future. For the most part we have
a great relationship and are the best of friends.

Our sex life is a problem. It was great for about
three years, but began to suffer when we moved in
together, as did a lot of other aspects of our
relationship. Basically, we went through a really
rough and prolonged stage of adjusting to life
together — details unimportant, but suffice it to say
it was tough, many ugly fights and tearful stages, but
we got through it and our relationship is probably
stronger for it overall — but our sex life was one of
the victims of this difficult stage. Emotionally,
everything is great. After a long period of wondering
if we should be together, we’ve finally got our shit
sorted out and are happier than ever. Except…we
haven’t been able to get our sex life back on track.
It used to come very naturally to both of us (it was
great, believe me) but now we both find it incredibly
hard to initiate sex. It’s become an awkward thing.
Most of the time we just fall into this pattern of
pretending it doesn’t even exist. Unhealthy, I know.

Also, despite the fact that I’m totally happy with
this relationship (besides the sex thing), I have my
doubts once in a while. I only had one boyfriend
before this one, and sometimes I get the wild-oats
syndrome and start to think maybe it’s not the right
time to be in such a serious long-term relationship.

So my question is twofold, or perhaps threefold.
First, are my occasional doubts just a
grass-is-greener syndrome and should just be ignored,
or is that a little alarm bell ringing? I can’t
emphasize enough how much I truly do love and want to
be with my boyfriend, and there isn’t much in the
relationship itself to make me want to leave it
(besides the sex thing); it’s a pure abstract feeling
of “I know he’s pretty great, but what if?” (I’ve only
had one other boyfriend in my life, and have never
really experienced casual dating. Although the idea of
casual sex/makeout sessions appeals to me in the
abstract, I’m incredibly picky, uninterested in
frivolous boys, and a terrible flirt, so I don’t think
I’d even enjoy it that much. But sometimes I do feel
like I’m way too young to be practically married.)

Second, sex is very important to me, and I know I can’t
make the compromise of being in a sexless relationship
for the rest of my life, so I know that no matter how
good everything else is, I need to get that back on
track if this relationship is going to work. I am
wondering, though, if the doubts are maybe just
related to the fact that my sex life has been sucking
for the past few months, and if we work that (very
serious) issue out, they may take care of themselves.
Let me emphasize (if I haven’t enough) that our sex
life was not always a problem; I’m not deluded enough
to waste five years on someone if it was that bad,
because sex is important to me. For the first few
years of our relationship we had an amazing physical
rapport; he was a generous and creative lover, et cetera et cetera,
no complaints. But due to all the other stuff that
went on in the past couple years, it totally derailed
and we can’t get it back. (Also, I should add that
there has been no infidelity on my side, not even a
serious flirtation, and of course you can never be
sure, but I would be willing to bet everything I own
on my 99.99999% surety that there hasn’t been any on
his side. So I’m pretty certain that’s not an issue.)

You will probably tell me that if I want to make this
work, I should see a sex therapist — but I wonder if you
might have any suggestions for breaking this spell and
getting my leg over him? It’s not really a physical
attraction problem — we’ve talked about it, and we both
still feel the same way about each other but find it
incredibly hard to break the cycle. We love and want
each other, but it’s so damned awkward (even though in
other ways we’re very physically
affectionate…constantly snuggling, just no sex).
I’ve never found it easy to be really sexually
aggressive.

So, how do I get over my insecurities and
our long-term habitual obstacles and start seducing my
darling boyfriend again? Or are my doubts trying to
tell me that I should give up what is otherwise a
fantastic life together?

The What-If Girl

Hi Sars,

I’m a university student, and I share a house with three other people, two guys, who will be referred to as “Bob” and “Hubert,” and the New Girl, uh, “Kiki” (bad with pseudonyms, sorry). As I am the longest serving member of the house, when it recently became necessary to find this new housemate, the task, like many others before it, fell to me.The only input I received from the boys was: “Hot chick! Get a hot chick!”

Naturally, I treated this exclamation with the contempt it deserves, but, coincidentally, the new girl turned out to be pretty damn hot.She is also very pleasant, friendly, bright, and, so far, a pleasure to live with.Since she has settled in a bit and emerged from her room, both boys have been following her around with their tongues hanging out like attention-starved puppies.Which was cute for a while but, particularly with Bob, is starting to get creepy.

Bob comes from a fairly conservative family background, and doesn’t seem too comfortable around women who are assertive or independent. Before Kiki moved in, he had made a couple of ineptly veiled comments about my level of sexual experience, and stated that most women “regret that sort of stuff” eventually.His comments toward Kiki are becoming increasingly sexual and inappropriate, and he touches her, apparently affectionately, in a way that squicks me right out.I think he means it all jokingly, and his bumbling, clueless manner sort of lets me dismiss the comments as being dumb rather than offensive, but they still bug.When he has speculated to me about Kiki’s sexual behaviour, I tried to make it pretty clear that I didn’t think it was any of his business and that I didn’t want to hear comments like that again, but I’m afraid I may not have been explicit enough.

My main concern is that Kiki should feel safe and comfortable in her new house.Her whole family lives in another country, so it’s not like she can go home for the weekend if she needs a break from us. Also, I don’t want to keep hearing comments that border on the misogynist.Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting.I don’t think Bob means to offend.He just doesn’t seem get that he might be crossing the line.I have been traditionally open about talking about lots of things that he is apparently not used to, like sex and drugs, et cetera, but now I try not to talk about anything even vaguely sexual around him.

Kiki hasn’t actually spoken to me about this, although a couple of times she has called Bob on his inappropriate comments/touching, and I have vociferously supported her.I work weird hours, so I’m not home as much as everyone else.

Maybe I’m misinterpreting things and Kiki isn’t bothered. If I am uncomfortable with how he speaks to and about her, is that enough reason to tell him to shut up?And if I was going to do that, how? Should I let Kiki deal with it on her own, and back her up if she asks me to?Take Bob aside and talk to him about it?Enlist Hubert to talk to him, on the theory that he will take it better if it’s a “man-to-man” thing? I don’t know if Hubert has even noticed.Should I just mind my own business?

Signed,
Interfering old baggage