Dear Sars,

From what I’ve read of your writing, we seem to share the same opinions on lots of things, so I thought I’d ask your advice on a situation that I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

A couple of months ago, I started dating this guy (we’ll call him Jeff, because that’s his name). Things got pretty serious pretty quick, mostly because he really wanted to. Skip forward a few months, and he tells me that he’s cheated on me eight times in a month, even though I’ve made it quite clear to him from the beginning that if we got serious, I would not tolerate cheating of any kind.

So, naturally, we broke up, although for a few weeks it was less of a break-up and more of a status removal (which I admit now was really stupid on both our parts); we still kissed and said “I love you” and had sex, but we were “just friends,” meaning both of us were free to do the same with other people. And we did. And we were quite happy with the situation. Or so I thought.

Problems arose when he became interested in my best friend, who was one of the people he cheated on me with. Since learning of her sleeping with him while we were dating, I cut off contact between the two of us, and I told Jeff that if he ever started dating her exclusively (which he said he had no plans to do), I would hate him forever, because, you know, she’s my best friend and how could they do that to me? But eventually I gave in (stupidly) and she and I started talking again.

Now I knew that Jeff and Alana (the former best friend in question) were very casually seeing each other, but it didn’t really bother me as long as it was non-exclusive, for some reason. Then we all went to a get-together at a friend’s house last weekend, and every time Jeff and I (or Jeff and anyone else) kissed or held hands or anything, Alana would get really mad and storm off and be pissy. She barely spoke to me all evening. By the end of the night, Jeff told me that he and I had to break up for good and couldn’t continue with the just-friends-but-not arrangement. There was crying and last kisses and lots of pathetic, tragic/dramatic stuff, because we really do love each other (or so I thought?) and this was painful.

Then I find out a few days later that Jeff and Alana are now dating exclusively. This really hurt, not only because, you know, it’s my best friend and my much-too-recently-exed boyfriend, but because obviously he doesn’t care too much about my opinion of him, which was, at that point, pretty much scum under my shoe. So I called him up and talked about it, and he was completely numb to the whole thing, acted like he basically didn’t care. I asked him if he WANTED me to hate him (why else would he go and ask her out just weeks after I told him that if he did, I would hate him forever?). He said he didn’t want me to, but that I probably should. He seems to do that a lot; he does things that he knows I’ll be angry about, then has a sudden moment of conscience and confesses all martyr-ish.

Basically, I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep my word and my original feelings about the situation and cut them both completely out of my life and hate them forever, and another part of me realizes that I love them both too much to leave them behind forever, and if they want to be together, I shouldn’t stand in their way; that part of me is willing to sacrifice my own happiness for theirs. My gut is going with the latter part. It would be almost impossible to just never see them again, because we’re all a part of our city’s Rocky Horror Picture Show cast, which basically saved my life. I could really give a shit about Alana, because she’s been such a liar (she made it quite clear to me that she had absolutely no interest in him anymore, and nothing’s going on with them, nope, no sirree bob) and a bitch lately, and don’t get me wrong, so has Jeff, but I just love him so much. Or rather, I love the person he used to be. When I first met him, he was such a cute, goofy, sweet kid; after we broke up, he completely changed. He’s been really surly, withdrawn, numb, not caring, and even though he has changed completely, I can’t just stop being in love with him, because he inhabits the body of the person I used to be in love with. If that makes any sense.

So, basically, what should I do? Should I do what he and everybody else seems to want and hate them both forever, axe them out of my life, and make myself miserable every time I see them together? Or should I forgive them both, even though they don’t seem to care how much they hurt me, let them be happy, pretend to be over it, and make myself miserable every time I see them together? Because I’ll be miserable either way. I’m just trying to figure out what will make me LESS miserable, because for the first time, I can’t figure it out.

Thanks in advance,
Why Can’t I Wake Up From This Horrible Dream In Jeff’s Arms?

Dear Wake Up,

All right.Listen to me carefully.The guy CHEATED ON YOU with YOUR BEST FRIEND.He’s not “acting like” he doesn’t care — he DOESN’T CARE.He doesn’t care about your feelings.He doesn’t care what you think of him.He cares about himself, and himself only.HE SUCKS.

You still have feelings for him, or for some idea of him that you built in your mind, but that doesn’t change the fact that HE SUCKS.And you call Alana your best friend, but she’s no friend to you.You said it yourself; she’s a bitch, and she lied to your face.So I think it’s safe to say that SHE SUCKS ALSO.It’s okay to miss Jeff and to want to talk to Alana and to wish none of it had ever happened and so on, but it’s not okay to lose sight of the central principle here, which is that HE SUCKS and SHE SUCKS ALSO.You’ll get over it, eventually, but you need to start now.

So, here’s my advice.DON’T LOVE THEM ANYMORE.They’ll only hurt you again.They don’t care about you.They only care about themselves.BECAUSE THEY SUCK.Behave professionally in and around the show, but socially, cut them both deader than Elvis, because they deserve it, BECAUSE THEY SUCK.Throw out everything in your possession that has to do with either of them, make some new friends, and turn your back on both of them.FUCK THEM.THEY SUCK.YOU DON’T WANT THEM IN YOUR LIFE.You might think you do, but believe me, YOU DON’T, because — sing it with me if you know the words — THEY SUCK.

You can’t fix assholes or the situations they create.All you can do is realize you can do better than that with your time.Don’t try to be the bigger person; you already are.Don’t try to make nice.Drop them both on their asses, and do it today.

Hey Sars,

I have a problemo and you seem pretty good at level headed thinking.I took a long hiatus from dating (two years) in order to get my marbles in order, and recently started dating someone I really dig.We’d been going out for about three weeks, totally digging each other, when I went to visit a friend in New York for four days.When I returned, we spent a great morning together and then she started acting really weird, avoiding me, et cetera.I was trying to get to the bottom of what the bloody hell was going on, and she was being really evasive, saying she had feelings for someone else she was seeing and felt she needed to choose.

We have been non-monogamous, so it wasn’t a big deal she was seeing someone, but this definitely wasn’t part of the deal, to be in competition for her affections.She instant messaged me at 1 AM the other morning at WORK to say she had chosen him, which I didn’t take kindly, and I demanded that we meet in the morning to talk, because at that point I was done with her but really wanted to know how four days out of town culminated in this.When I met her and we started talking, I found myself seeing where she was coming from and remembering what it was like to be 24 (I’m 31) and not have enough information on board to deal with the stuff in my head.What she was telling me was that it wasn’t about the guy at all, that she was afraid to get involved because I have a committment to take care of my best friend who has RA and that she didn’t want to feel like the other woman, even though she digs me and respects me and all that.We had it worked out and decided that today is today, let’s just see how it goes, et cetera, and were supposed to meet last night to chat some more.Last night came and went and no phone call.I ended up finally getting hold of her hours later, and she said she didn’t know we were supposed to meet.She swears she isn’t messing with my head.But now I feel like she might be messing with my head, which is something I experienced a lot in the past and am pretty sensitive to.

Sorry this is so long-winded.My point is, I’m supposed to see her later this week, and the plan is to just feel it out and see how it goes and go from there.Also, when we talked yesterday morning, I totally called her on the inappropriate way she laid her bombshell on me in the middle of a work night.So, my question is, when is enough enough?I haven’t had too much experience dealing with relationships on this level, where two people are really into each other and working out the problems of trying to be together and maintain identity and not get freaked and so on.I’m at a point in my life where I’m willing to do the work; I really like this girl and think we have a lot of potential together.I feel like I’m a lot better at boundary control than I used to be, but I’ve got conflicts in my head right now — part of me saying to give her a chance and help her grow and give her the boost up I didn’t get when I was her and people were just like “whatever” with me.Part of me is saying relationships suck, what the hell are you doing, BAIL.But I don’t know if that’s just being hypervigilant.What are your thoughts on when to draw the line?

Thanks, Sars, you rock…

Total Mess

Dear Mess,

This isn’t about relationships sucking.This is about the fact that this girl isn’t ready for a relationship at all — and you already have all the information you need to come to that conclusion, namely that she basically dumped you over IM, which is an immature dick move.

Yeah, you could “give her a chance” and “help her grow,” but that “growth” is probably going to come at the price of your dignity, sanity, and self-esteem.She’s not a bad person, I’m sure, but she’s indecisive and kind of cowardly.Maybe she’s worth it to you, but I’d let her go now before it gets too serious.

Share!