The Vine: May 24, 2001
Hey Sars,
For the last 20 minutes or so I have been reading the Vine and thinking to myself, hmm, maybe I should run my issues past Sarah! So what do you know, I open up my fortune cookie (it had been sitting on my desk since lunch) and no shit, my fortune reads “good advice is beyond price.” More than coincidence, synchronicity?
At any rate, on the “parent” note, I could really use some of your opinions. My mom has been horribly deficient in the parenting department for about the past seven years. Originally, when I was 19, she became involved in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic, and six months in, promptly forgot she had children. Luckily I was already out on my own; however, she missed all those important growing-up years. She would forget to return phone calls, didn’t come to visit, et cetera.
I did make a hearty effort for the first 3 years or so, until I got busy with my own life and burnt out on the fact that she offered little support. As I am sure you have surmised, during the years of 19-25 a person generally needs lots of support and encouragement, especially when living on one’s own! Her relationship finally ended six years later, but by this time she had developed a number of chronic illnesses and had a lot of recuperation to do.
Point being, here we are almost eight years later. She lives 40 minutes north of the cities, and has been to visit me exactly three times in that eight years. She calls when she remembers; we’ve had about 15 conversations over the past year. I call too, but way less frequently than several years ago. It seems like every time I see her, she is asking me when I am going to come visit her, or asking me to do something. I am more than annoyed, since it has been so long that I begged for, then prayed for, and finally forgot that I needed her support, I don’t feel like giving her any of my time or energy. I have had this conversation with her, but it seems that she expects me to get over it. I have contemplated writing her a letter sharing my feelings…I know my feelings are valid, but I get so frustrated and don’t know how to tell her I am not interested in helping her out. Not only that, I feel stuck in this circle; now that it has been so long that we’ve hurt each other, how will we ever be mother-daughter again? She was my best friend until I turned 19…please advise.
Lucy
Dear Lucy,
I don’t think you’ve really decided what you want from your mother. Do you want to return to the days when you relied on her and she supported you? Do you want to take what you need from her and leave the rest? Because you can’t have it both ways. Your mother abandoned you emotionally at a time in your life when you needed her, and quite naturally you resent it, but you have to move forward from it one way or the other.
You say that you’ve talked to her about it, and didn’t get far. Try again. Stress that it’s how you feel, not an accusation, but you need her to hear you, because otherwise you don’t think you can repair the damage between you.
In your heart, you really want her to burst into tears and beg your forgiveness. Don’t hold your breath. Either forgive her with your whole heart and accept what she can give you, or keep her at arm’s length and know that she can’t be what you want, but you can’t do both, because it’s going to tear you apart.
Hi Sars,
I love Tomato Nation and Mighty Big TV. I hope you don’t mind giving me some advice.
Okay, I’m a university student and during one of my classes I met a really nice guy, “John.” We got on all right and I had a huge crush on him. Just one problem — he was my teacher. He was so nice to me and tried to help me deal with my problems, and I really thought he liked me. He used to phone me up and talk to me for ages. Then last month he left college without saying goodbye to me, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
What did I do wrong? I thought he liked me. He was the first man I’d trusted since I was raped a few years ago and he promised he’d try to help me stop cutting myself. But then he left without saying anything to me and now everything’s even worse. Why am I so unlikable?
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Oh, sweetie. I feel like crying, or giving you a giant hug, because you’ve gone through so much and you blame yourself for all of it. Listen to me. Just because people treat you badly doesn’t mean that you deserve it, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to punish yourself. You aren’t inherently unlikable. I don’t know why John disappeared on you, but that’s on him, not you.
If you haven’t already, please get into therapy, or at least talk to a counselor a few times, to help you sort things out. You’ve suffered a terrible violation of trust with the rape, and you have to get some help dealing with it, because you’ve turned the pain around on yourself and it’s got you thinking that you suck.
Let’s review. It is John who sucks, not you. Sometimes in this life, people just…suck. We can’t control the sucking of the sucky people; we just have to find productive ways to live with it. You will find a way, and you will come to a place where you don’t think you suck your own self, but you need help to do that. Promise me you’ll get that help.
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty the fam
