This story is about seventeen and a third days long, but I shall condense it.

[I tagged an expert in for this one; her response is below. — Sarah]

Dear Don’t Worry, They’re Still Possible,

First off, let me just give you a big, long virtual hug. I’ve got herpes, I’ve been there — I wasn’t a teenager, but it was the second guy I’d ever had sex with. On my birthday. The night he threatened to make a scene at my friend’s wedding reception. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound, so to speak…

Secondly, please, please try anything to get the whore thoughts out of your head. You’re the one who is your harshest critic at a time like this, which I know because I did the same thing. It happens to old, young, those with one partner and those with 100 partners — hindsight is 20/20. Mine is from unprotected sex, and if you knew the guy, you’d think I would have known better. STDs happen to anyone — in the case of herpes alone, 20-25% of the adult population has it, and the stats for STDs in general are even more astronomical. But that can make it worse, because then you wonder where all of these other mythical people are. I’m here, and I’ve found others. I promise.

The first thing to do is take care of you. Make sure you’ve visited the doctor and gotten the medication you need both for what you’ve contracted, and then anything that can help ease any pain straightaway. It might take a while to get it under control, but you’ll get there and then you can think more clearly. Also take care of yourself mentally — you might look into talking to a therapist who can help you as well. I know at least for herpes that there are also local support groups all over the country that you can find through your local public health office if you feel you need it. And feel free to rage and scream and get mad, because it sucks, and it’s unfair, and there’s no reason why it should have happened to you over someone else.

But after that, take heart. I’ve made the choice to tell potential partners about it, and I’ve had really good luck. It might be harder for you because you’re a teenager — I’m not going to assure you that anyone and everyone will be fine. But there are plenty of good people out there who will be okay, or who will let you educate them to learn that they’ll be okay. As you get older, you’ll probably find this more and more. The way that I started out was by telling my friends, and then gradually widening the circle. (In one memorable moment, drunk at a bar, I raised my fist in the air and screamed, “YAY HERPES!” to all of my friend’s co-workers, as she tried to escort me to the ladies’ room. For the record, I got back and one girl leaned over and said, “Oh, herpes? EVERYBODY’S got that.”) It’s not the same, but it shows you that people aren’t going to run and scream in fear.

The first time that you tell a sexual partner is going to be horrendously scary. It will get easier, though it will never get easy. And it’s ice-cold comfort to say that it’s a good litmus test for people in general — anyone who would freak out and be an asshole probably isn’t someone you want to be doing the horizontal mambo with anyway — but I guarantee that you’ll start to feel better about it with time. I don’t say that to scare you, but rather to assure you that those feelings are normal and anyone who has been through it knows. It’s not easy, but it’s something that you can absolutely get through. And the first time you are with someone who is okay with it will be one of the best experiences of your life, no matter how the sex actually turns out.

Good luck, and make your top priority feeling better. Then you’ll be so much better equipped to move forward.

Yours truly,
Mister Zero

Hi, Sars!

Dear Nnnnnnnerd!,

Hee. Just kidding.

I think you’re looking at this from the wrong angle here, actually. On their planet, presumably, the aliens use a different language entirely and aren’t subject to the rules of English — and in any case, what they would call themselves doesn’t necessarily govern them in terms of third-party usage. With that said, I think you use “who/whom” on humans, and aliens or animals or talking cars in which you’ve observed or to which you’ve assigned human-like qualities. For instance, you’d say, “The chair that I was just sitting in broke,” but you’d also say, “Chairy, who is a character on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, is awesome,” because Chairy is in fact a “person” of sorts. So, in your first two examples, I’d use the first versions.

Companies and corporations are different, because, while they are composed of people, they do not operate in a human way (insert Halliburton joke here). Same goes for armies and, I’d imagine, crowds.

Garner’s right, in other words, but I think it’s okay to use “who/whom” on entities that, while not strictly human from a DNA standpoint, share human qualities or have been anthropomorphized. Any old Camaro, no; K.I.T.T., yes.

I have a wedding-related question.
What’s the etiquette when the bride has more people she wants as
bridesmaids than the groom has/wants as groomsmen? I’ve seen weddings
where one groomsman will walk down the aisle with a bridesmaid on each
arm or whatever, but here’s the real problem: I have a brother who I
think my fiance will have as one of his groomsmen, along with a couple
of his friends, but my fiance also has two sisters…one being a twin
(so they’re obviously very close). I’d like my brother to be a part of
our wedding, but does this mean that I have to include his two sisters
as my bridesmaids? (And yes, I know how selfish that sounds.)

Dear The 908 Says Relax,

I…am totally confused right now with the whole brother/non-twin/do-si-do-your-sibling thing happening here, but! No problem, because I don’t need to know who’s related to whom and how close to give you some suggestions.

First of all, if you want to go with a traditional “women on the bride’s side, men on the groom’s” layout, that’s fine, and I’ll get to that strategy in a sec, but if you’re not married (as it were) to that set-up, you might consider just calling everyone “honor attendants,” picking whomever you want to go on whichever side s/he’s closer to, and leaving it at that. You’d still have to even up the numbers, I guess, on either side of the aisle, but if it’s primarily an issue of “I want my brother in the wedding and it throws the balance off,” just put him on your side.

But if you’d rather keep it split along gender lines, again, no prob — just sit down with your fiance and make up a list of people you want in the wedding. Not people you know he wants, or people you feel you “should” put in the wedding party, but the people you want. Have him do the same thing. Then compare lists and divvy everyone up by men and women, and see where you are…and if one side is totally lopsided, either by gender or by yours/his, start negotiating.

I would really try to keep the wedding party itself at five on a side or fewer, just because life is short and dress fittings suck, but if you’ve got more people than that that you really want to include, ask people to read poems or sing songs in the service.

You might have to “cut” people, though; it’s an unfortunate part of weddings that you’ve always got a few people who are hurt by not being as involved as they’d assumed they’d be.

Hi Sars,

Dear Sig,

I’ll edit whatever I’m paid to edit, so feel free to email me for rates; I’m happy to have a look, and romance novels aren’t my area but I used to read them by the pound back in the day.

Failing that, no, I don’t know anyone who edits romance novels in particular, but it does sound like you need a fresh set of eyes on it…and I agree with you that workshops tend to be a bit too gentle when direct criticisms are what’s needed. So, maybe an online group is your best bet — people tend to be less varnished in their comments on the internet (…”she says, in the understatement of the year”), so you might get some good feedback from that.

Or just pay an editor to have a look at it. It doesn’t have to be me, but if you find someone by Googling whose eye you think you can trust, send it out and see what s/he has to say. At the very least you might get some new ideas or perspectives. And keep sending it out to agents; they’re the ones who will have to move it forward, so I’d keep looking on that front at the same time.

Sars,

Dear Drown,

After two years, maybe it’s time to stop taking things so personally. You know what this woman is, what she’s like; that boss personality type is not fun, but it’s the norm rather than the exception, in my experience, and if it’s in fact your job to attend to minute details…attend to them. I get hundreds of emails a day, many of them astoundingly trivial and irritating, but…that’s the job, and I can do it, or I can join the navy.

You’re leaving soon; either move your exit date up or learn some deep-breathing exercises, but either way, adjust the attitude. This is how your boss does things, which you’ve known for two years, so it’s a bit late to act martyred by it.

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