Dear Sars,

I have a problem, obviously, and would like your thoughts if possible.
I am a 34-year-old woman with two beautiful children. Their father and
I have been in a relationship for over 10 years, living together for five.
He is a 40-year-old man. We are not married, due to several issues
including his paranoid jealousy, our differing spiritual beliefs, and my
fear of commitment — none of which I believe will improve should we
make the whole thing legal, as he frequently asks.

There have been incidents in the past when I knew he was in contact with
other women, speaking with them on the phone and in person at work.
When I called him on these, he always protested that I misunderstood,
that they were just talking, and that “nothing had happened.” He begged
for second chances time and time again. I gave them to him, because I
loved him, because we were a family, because really I had no proof
otherwise, and because I was stupid to believe that he could change.

Yesterday I was in his email account, with his knowledge — he even gave
me his password — so that I could find an email I cc’d him on from work
with addresses that I needed for our son’s sports team. There were
several notifications from a well-known high school reunion website
(which he apparently has a subscription to, unbeknownst to me)
indicating that messages had been sent and received from an
ex-girlfriend, who he dumped for the woman he was with before me. She
lives in another town several hours away. He had deleted the received
messages, but because he’s an idiot, he didn’t bother to delete the sent
messages. The emails he sent her profess, “I’m still in love with you,
you know that don’t you,” include detailed plans of when and where (in a
town that’s a halfway point) they will meet, and assorted other things,
of which I’m sure you have the general gist.

I emailed her from his account, introducing myself, explaining that I
just didn’t care all that much what he did anymore, but that I was
absolutely sure I deserved better, and pretty much thought she deserved
better too. About the time I hit send, he rushed to check his email,
suddenly aware that he’d screwed up. Had there not been a tornado
roaring past us at 11:00 PM, he’d have been gone last night. She’s read
it, I know since that website pinged his email account, and I’m sure
she’s called him about it by now, and honestly I’m numb more than
devastated or angry.

So, here’s the thing. I have her physical home address, her husband’s
name (yeah, she’s married, has a toddler, and their anniversary is only
a few days away. She’s as much of an ass as is my [now] ex-boyfriend)
his place of business, work phone, and work email. A friend suggested
that I send him a brief email saying, “Hey, you know, your wife is
cheating on you with my [now] ex-boyfriend. Just thought you should
know. Call me if you need the proof for your upcoming custody battle,
I know I have it for mine!” I don’t think I have it in me to do that
though, because you know, it’s not HIS fault, or his little girl’s, that
his wife is a cuckolding liar, any more than it was mine or my sons’
fault that my (now) ex-boyfriend is equally ass. But the
evil/defeated/heartbroken part of me wants to DO something. Email her
and tell her that I have that information and could use it if I wanted
to, or something, anything. I don’t know.

I just, it just, I just hurt. And maybe I’ll feel better if I make
someone else hurt. And maybe I’ll just feel like a total bitch, and
maybe I need to feel that way, or something. I just don’t know.

Any thoughts?

I should be more worried about what I’m going to tell my own children,
instead of hers…

Dear Yes, You Should,

While I think it’s perfectly normal for you to want to fuck her life up as badly as you feel she’s fucked yours up, you really can’t give in to that instinct. It won’t make you feel better; it won’t help the situation; it’s beside the point, that she’s an adulterer. The issue here is that the father of your children cheated on you, and is a bad match for you, and you need to focus on what’s important here — namely dumping him, finally, and making that process as undisruptive as possible for your kids.

You have enough on your plate legally and emotionally right now without inserting yourself into someone else’s relationship or getting yourself on the witness list of a divorce proceeding. Are you right to be mad? Absolutely. Are you right to hate her? Well, again, the problem here is really with your now-ex-boyfriend, given that she’s not the first, but I don’t think it’s out of line for you to want her to suffer.

But you’re better off rising above, and letting the universe take care of her, which it tends to do. And if she winds up with your ex, well, karma is served.

Deal with your ex only; leave the woman out of it. Her husband isn’t going to pay child support to you, so focus on what needs to be done here.

Sars,

I’ve asked a number of people for advice, but everyone has a different opinion on this one. So maybe you can be the deciding vote.

A little background: I am the youngest of three girls and the only one that lives in Medium Sized City (MSC) with my parents. My other sisters are much older (they are in their thirties; I am in my early twenties). Oldest sister and I get along okay, but that only developed in the last couple of years. Middle sister and I don’t really get along too well, though sometimes we are great and sometimes can’t stand to be around each other. Middle has a very defined case of “middle child syndrome” where, despite being in her mid-thirties, still throws tantrums and fits to our parents when she doesn’t get her way and feels entitled to always get said way. My parents let her get away with it and let her get her way to keep the peace (a Bad Thing in the eyes of both myself and Oldest).

So a little over a year ago, Middle lost her job. She started looking for new work, but perhaps not as wholeheartedly as either Oldest or I would (and have, in the past, when we have found ourselves between jobs). Our parents helped her out with rent and such (since she lives in a Very Large and Expensive City). Everything seemed to be going well, though Middle was not getting good response from interviews/employers/head hunters/et cetera. Middle also started telling Oldest and I about the “cute skirt at Banana” she bought or “the lush sweater at Saks that was only $300” she got on sale. Hmm. Not the way we would spend money when unemployed and on Mom and Dad’s dime. This started to bug, especially Oldest who, when she needed help from the rents (a long, long time ago), they balked and told her no (as in, “no, we won’t give you $100 for a doctor’s visit”).

A year later and still, no job. Finally, after months of our parents complaining, Oldest and I decided to have a “come to Jesus” talk with them — Middle was out of control with her spending, didn’t have a budget, wasn’t applying for as many jobs as she could/should and they were only giving her this much money/leeway because they were scared of her throwing a fit. They agreed and finally got the balls to tell Middle to either get a second part-time job, get a “real” job, or find somewhere less expensive to live (her apartment in VLaEC is, well, very expensive).

Middle interpreted this as “move home.” And herein lies the problem — the home she has decided to move into is mine.

Yes, my tiny one-bedroom apartment, that houses not just myself 100% of the time, but also my boyfriend about 80% of the time. She called today to say she was moving back to MSC and, despite my parents having a large and spacious guest room, she would be living on my couch because I’m “closer to downtown” where she is theoretically going to find a job.

I called Oldest, who said I should flat-out say no, but though I know I could, I know that would cause enormous amounts of family strife, most of which will be from Middle who will throw fits anytime I am around or mentioned. And while I am in theory fine with this, I do live in the same city as my parents (and most of the rest of my family) and we have a LOT of family gatherings coming up in the next year and I don’t want to have to suffer through her fits (because she will surely throw them). I know if I said that I wouldn’t go if she threw fits, she would throw said fits and I would end up missing out on family things just to avoid her. Add to this that my parents will blame me not wanting Middle to move in on my boyfriend (who they dislike) and it adds another level of uncomfortable to it. But, at the same time, I really, really, REALLY don’t want her to live with me. The time it will take her to find a job and earn enough for first/last on an apartment could be months and my apartment is not set up for that kind of occupancy.

I’ve thought about giving her a move-out date (“You can stay until April 30th and then you have to move in with Mom and Dad”), but everyone I’ve asked says that it won’t stick. I would be amenable to letting her stay with me for a while (read: three weeks or less), but I fear that once she moves in, it will be forever. I could just roll over and let her move in for as long as she needs, but, really, ich.

If I was the only one here and she wanted to move in with me, of course, I would let her. But with the lovely guest room at my parents…am I a bad sister for not wanting to live with her? Am I being selfish in wanting my home time for snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch instead of listening to her complain and driving her around? Is there a compromise I haven’t seen? Or do I just need to sit down with my parents (and Middle) and tell them under no circumstances can Middle live with me, she has to live with them and that’s that?

I really feel bad for her — I know she’s very depressed because of the job/moving situation and I don’t want to make it worse, but I also don’t want to be miserable and end up resenting her because of it. Help?

I Really Do Love My Sister

Dear I Don’t Have That Problem,

She announced that she was moving in with you? You “could” say no?

Uh, no. Not how things are done. You’re as bad as her parents with the enabling of her; the only reason she didn’t ask instead of telling you, and that when she did tell you, you didn’t just tell her that it wouldn’t be possible, is that she knows she can count on you to roll over and give her her way because you don’t want a dust-up.

Well, tough. She’s in her thirties, and while she’s going through a rough time, you’ve just gotten through telling me how it’s at least 90 percent of her own making, so it’s time to stop letting her push you around. She pitches her fits because, historically, it’s always worked; it’s time to stop letting it work. Tell her you’re very sorry, and you wish her the best of luck, but she won’t be able to live with you. Do not explain; do not defend your decision with a bunch of reasons she should have understood for herself; do not back down or compromise with “okay, but only for a month.” She can’t move in with you. It’s not possible. You’re sorry. Period, end of conversation.

If she wants to pitch fits, let her — if she doesn’t live with you, who cares whether she screams and rages. It’s your parents’ problem now; they should have started giving these hissies some consequences when she was little, but they didn’t, and if they feel obligated to “drive her around” and “listen to her complain,” well, they’re getting what they deserve, but they’re not required to take care of her like she’s a baby, and neither are you.

She is presumptuous and unpleasant, and she did this to herself. She lives elsewhere. Say it and mean it.

Sars,

This isn’t so much of a problem, but I’d love to hear your views on this
situation.

Friend gets engaged. Hooray, I am very excited for her, he’s a great guy,
blah blah ’til-death-do-us-part-cakes. A few weeks go by and I ask her
where she is registered as I want to buy her a gift. She says they don’t
need gifts, they have everything they need. I tell her that I still want to
buy her a gift because I’m very happy for her and fiancé, and well, when
people get engaged you buy them gifts. After A LOT of back and forth, she
finally relents and tells me where she registered, and that she only
registered because fiancé’s parent’s friends were bugging her about what to
get them. Then she tells me not to tell any of our other friends, as she
doesn’t want any presents from any of them. I understand that she is
obviously embarrassed to receive gifts from people, but there is such a
thing as being gracious. And what about hubby-to-be? What if he would
enjoy gifts from people?

Okay, I drop the gift thing and we move on to the next topic which is my
daughter’s first birthday. My friend tells me that she won’t be able to
attend the party, but will still buy the baby a gift. I tell her that it’s
not necessary for her to buy the baby a gift, especially since she won’t be
attending the party. So the whole argument is reversed with her telling me
that she wants to buy the baby a present because it’s a milestone day and me
telling her to “save her dough” as she put it to me when I asked about her
registry.

I don’t understand how a person can be so adamantly against getting gifts,
and then so adamantly for giving them. Frankly, I’m a bit annoyed that she
won’t accept a gift from me yet then expects me to accept a gift from her.

So, should I buy her a gift, even though she is uncomfortable with receiving
it? Maybe I should send it directly to the fiancé instead? And then, if
she sends my daughter a gift, I know I should accept it, but I almost don’t
want to. She’s taken all the fun out of the whole giving and receiving
process.

Signed,
Present-ly Perplexed

Dear Pres,

Yes, there is “such a thing as being gracious” — but it does seem to me like the “gracious” thing on your part would have been to drop the subject when she made it clear she did not want an engagement gift. Yes, she and her betrothed could maybe have come up with an alternate solution in advance — a suggested charity, or a registry stocked with smaller things for people who were really insistent — but they didn’t. Next time, take the hint and donate in the couple’s name to a favorite charity or something.

Ditto her wanting to get the baby a gift. I mean, you want her to have gift options ready for you, but then you don’t want to give them to her? Just send her to the baby’s wish list on Amazon, or ask her to donate to one of your favorite charities, but the reason she’s “taken all the fun out of” the gift-giving process is actually your need to have these things done your way. Would this even have been an issue if you’d settled for saying, to yourself, “What’s up with that?” and just told her what size t-shirt the baby wears?

“It’s not necessary, really. … Oh, well, that’s very sweet of you; thank you.” All you had to do. Let it go.

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