My best friend has been married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man (Bob) for two years. They have a two-year-old son, whom I adore. I have tried in the past to stay out of the situation, because Bob threatened not to let me see their son. Last weekend, after witnessing him berate and humiliate her, I snapped. I told him what a loser he was, and then I yelled at my friend, telling her she is pathetic and spineless if she chooses to stay with him. My friend is always telling me she is going to leave, then doesn’t. I constantly feel let down, because every time she says she is going to leave, I fall for it.

Dear Useless,

Let me get this straight. You want your friend to leave Bob because he “berates and humiliates” her, and then you turn around and do — the exact same thing? Did you honestly think that bitching her out and throwing a bunch of judgmental attitude on her would have a positive effect?

I don’t know enough about Bob or about the situation to disagree with your assessment, and I can relate to the frustration you feel, but most of the time, people have to come to these things on their own. You can’t “make” her leave her husband; she’s a grown woman, and she can and should make her own decisions. She’s also your best friend, and she needs your support, not your censure.

Apologize for going off on her. Explain to her that you think she deserves better, and that you get frustrated when she allows Bob to treat her like crap, and when she threatens to leave and doesn’t. Remind her that you love her and that, no matter what she decides, you’ll stand behind her. You’ve made your feelings about Bob painfully clear to her already, so leave it alone.

If Bob becomes physically abusive to her or to their son, then you obviously need to notify the authorities and get them out of there. Until then, this isn’t your marriage to leave.

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