My mother did the exact same thing Lucy’s mom did to her. Only she had two more kids with the new man and decided that the mistake she had made in high school (i.e. me) could just disappear. She has one grandson she never sees. She doesn’t send cards or gifts for birthdays or Christmas anymore. She doesn’t call. She doesn’t write. She NEVER comes to visit. But when I make a point of pinning her down at her work, she acts like nothing ever went wrong between us. Lucy needs to realize that there is no way you can make your parents be what you need. They either are or they are not. The best thing she can do is get out of the situation for a little while and really examine her relationship with her mother. I gave up on my mother. There is a whole lot of anger and bitterness towards her because I really can’t talk to her, no matter how many times I have tried to make her understand how I feel. But there comes a point when you just have to let go for your own good. I hope Lucy and her mom can communicate, but if they can’t, Lucy needs to look after her own mental well-being. I hope it works out for her.

Tracey

First of all, thanks for your columns. Reading them is my catharsis at the end of the day. I just started reading the Vine and always feel like you give out the same advice I’d give if asked. Now I have a problem that I can’t logic my way out of, given that I’m in the middle of it, and would really like to know what you think.

My closest friend (and here I should add that we’ve always been the role model for the Healthy, Platonic Male-Female Friendship in our circle) is brilliant, creative, a really good person in most ways and not so good at relationships. I know this because I’ve been around to witness the awful endings of his past two serious relationships and have seen them disintegrate due to, among other things, a couple of really bad behaviors on his part (not slimy or mean, just spineless).

Anyway, here’s the thing. Several months ago, totally unexpectedly, we slept together. It was really, really nice, and, as time passed, it kept happening. Oddly enough, things haven’t changed so much (with the exception of me feeling really giddy and smitten all the time). We still interact, pal-like, in the same ways as before — things have just kind of expanded. A few nights ago, however, we had the long overdue The Hell? talk where we both kind of mumbled that we like each other That Way and what should we do? I told him I was into it and wanted to give it a shot;
he said he felt the same way but was worried about me becoming one of “the canon” (e.g. ex-girlfriends who go crazy and then drop off the face of the earth, vowing to kill him when he tries to weasel his way out of the relationship). In fact, he said, “I don’t handle these things well — I really like you and don’t want to do this to you, too.”

So. What to do? I really, really, really like this guy. I see things working out between us. Can I continue to pursue? Do I hold off until he gets his girl issues worked out? Does he have all the power to decide what happens now, since he’s the one who isn’t sure of things? Is it hopeless? I just don’t know how to act, I guess — I’m having a really hard time pretending to be cool about it when inside I’m feeling all gooshy.

Thanks a lot for any advice you’ve got, and if nothing else, for giving me the opportunity to vent to a neutral source. I appreciate it.

Conflicted’s Friend