The Vine: May 25, 2006
Sars,
Here is non-boy, non-cat, non-grammar question for you! My fiance and I, on rather short notice, got married weekend before last. I want to get the thank-you notes out as quickly as possible. One snag, well two snags. I don’t have mailing addresses for everyone. The invites went out via email and word of mouth, none were mailed, because of the short notice, you see. So I didn’t gather addresses for that. How do I get addresses for proper mailed-out thank-you cards? Am I allowed to just come out and say, “Can I have your address so I can send you a thank you card?” Should I just go through my aunt and mother-in-law who will have addresses for just about everyone?
The second snag is that one couple gave us a pretty pressed flower card saying that our gift would be sent off once it’s ready. This came from one of my mother-in-law’s friends, so I get the feeling she’s sewing/knitting/crocheting/crafting something for us. I really do appreciate this, even if the first time I met her was at the wedding and I couldn’t pick her out of a crowd. How do I thank her for this? Instinct tells me she gets a thank-you card at the same time as everyone else followed by a second one when we actually receive whatever it is, but I don’t know how I would word it. “Thank you for your impending gift, whatever it is” just doesn’t seem right. I’m usually very good with words, but when it comes to things like this I panic and get very flippant.
Thanks for any etiquette insight you can offer.
Mrs. Keeping My Own Last Name with help from Mr. Taking Hers
Dear Keep,
Just ask your mother and/or mother-in-law for the addresses they have; if they for some reason can’t provide them, drop the gift-givers an email asking for their snail-mail addresses. No need to say why — they will probably figure it out, but it’s not like you’re planning a surprise party, so, don’t overthink it.
Ditto the second thing. I’d just wait and send a thank-you note when an actual gift shows up, but if you feel an urgent need to send a pre-thank-you, just say something like, “Thanks so much for thinking of us; I can’t wait to see what generous gift you’ve come up with.”
Dear Sars,
I work at a major summer theater company, and one of my main responsibilities is hiring the stage management interns. It’s truly astounding how many resumes and cover letters I receive with typos, and out-and-out misspellings, bad writing and bad design. An astonishing number of applicants have managed to misspell the names of shows they claim to have done, places they’ve worked, and schools they’ve attended. I got a resume from one undergraduate that was five pages long. At 30, I still haven’t worked enough to justify going over one page, you surely can’t fill (or expect me to read) five at 20. With rare exceptions, these people don’t even get an interview.
The obvious question you may think I’m going to ask is “Am I being too harsh?” Nope. I’m not. Stage managers need to communicate effectively in writing, and create functional, attractive paperwork which will be seen and used by many other staffers. If I were hiring actors it might be different. But even then, if you can’t be bothered to proofread your resume (or find a friend like me to do it for you), then you’re not the sort of person I want to be working with.
But here’s the thing: these kids are applying for unpaid internships at an institution that prides itself on the educational aspects of its programs. It’s safe to assume that in many cases they simply don’t know any better, and no one has bothered to teach them. This doesn’t mean I should cut them any more slack, since I already have more applicants who can use a spell-checker and string a sentence together than I can hire, but (here’s the question) is there any appropriate way for me to give some feedback to the ones who are voted off?
I like the teacherly aspects of my job, and will undoubtedly do some sort of resume workshop with my interns this summer…but if I’ve already hired you you’re more than halfway there. I sort of wish some people had taken the time to say, “This is why we’re not hiring you, work on it” (or even just “We’re not hiring you” — responses of any kind tend to be rare!) early in my career. On the other hand, it feels like kind of a dick move to give that kind of unsolicited advice, especially when it comes hand-in-hand with rejection. Is that better than further rejection down the line for an easily correctible mistake though?
Judgmental but Friendly
Dear Judge,
My first instinct is to tell you not to bother, honestly. Of course, part of that reaction stems from the fact that probably three quarters of the job “applications” I get start with some variation on “I know the FAQ says you’re not hiring, but…” — which is basically leading with the fact that you don’t think instructions pertain to you. And sometimes I do think about writing back and telling them, you know, persistence is a fine quality, but…so is reading comprehension, and when we say “We are not hiring. At all,” that’s what we mean.
But the thing is, like you say, plenty of people do get it — plenty of people proofread, plenty of people know the c.v. is supposed to fit on one page, plenty of people know what a career counseling office is and visit it and avail themselves of the services there. And when it’s clearly not a problem with the instructions being unclear, or the protocol being obscure — when plenty of people can submit a properly spelled, pertinent resume, proving that it’s eminently possible — I don’t think holding the hands of those who can’t is my job or anyone else’s.
On the other hand, I’m not working in an educational environment; I’m paying people to write, and a pitch that starts “Dear Sares” is right out. So, you could just keep binning the really bad entries, or you could put together some kind of form response like, “We’re sorry, but we’ve elected to go with another candidate for the internship. We’ve enclosed links to/a list of some helpful resources to make your job search a more successful one — thanks for your time and best of luck,” and then lists stuff like “Your College Job Center,” links to online c.v. editors, links to Merriam-Webster Online, stuff like that.
Then, if everyone is getting the same links and whatnot, they won’t take it personally…but experience suggests, to me, that the very people who should be like, “Damn, I need to work on the presentation of my materials” tend to think that it doesn’t apply to them. Still, if you package some resources for them, they have them available and can’t say they weren’t told — and certainly if someone asks for your input on why he wasn’t hired, you can point out gently that his resume was illegible and looked like crap or whatever.
But…they had the resources available in the first place, really. Spell-check: factory installed. They just didn’t use it. Not your problem, technically.
Hi Sars,
My question relates to Stock Vine Topic #14, “Friendships Have a Lifespan,” but I didn’t see that this particular scenario has come up yet. I befriended a work colleague, “Kelly,” when I started my job several years ago, but as time has passed, I’ve realized that Kelly not the sort of person I generally value as a true, close friend. If I didn’t see her every day at the office, I doubt we would be friends at all; we really don’t have that much in common, she is not a good listener, and she is more than a little full of herself.
I came to terms with the fact that I don’t want to be friends with Kelly anymore, and since then, I have been actively severing ties with her. I’ve been turning down her invitations for hanging out outside of work, and I never invite her to do so. I was following the Sars guidelines. The problem is, I am the sort of person Kelly generally values as a true, close friend. She is actively clinging on (calling me at the office and at home; sending emails often) and trying really hard to salvage the “friendship,” starting a conversation about work stuff and then segueing into asking me personal questions (which I have stopped answering) and sharing very personal information about herself (about which I do not pry for details). Until last week, I didn’t even feel guilty about my decision to create some distance between us. I have been deliberately cold to her on numerous occasions (which made me feel terrible, but the alternative was even worse). I thought Kelly was getting the point.
Last week, during a standard-fare small-talk-type conversation about dating and how hard it is to meet people (which she slipped in after a legitimate inquiry about office stuff, and which was one-sided, with lots of “mm-hmm”s and “ahh”s and not a lot of anything else out of me), Kelly confided to me that she was raped a few months ago by a guy she was seeing at the time. She said she hasn’t told a lot of people, and she didn’t report it to the police. When she told me, I felt just awful for her, I hugged her, I got her tissues, like anyone who had a heart would do, because I was honestly and sincerely sorry to hear that she’d been hurt. I cried, I was really upset that this could happen to anyone I know. I told her she hadn’t brought it on herself, which she thinks she did. I made some suggestions for her (support groups and the like). I was honestly, sincerely sympathetic. I am impressed and inspired by ANY woman who survives being raped, under ANY circumstances, and I told Kelly so. And I meant it.
My question is, what do I do now? I am genuinely flattered that Kelly could talk to me about her horrifying experience, and I respect how hard it was for her to tell me (or anyone) about it. I really do not enjoy Kelly’s company in general, but I feel like I sort of owe it to her to keep being her friend, since she has thrown me into her inner circle with this confession. I am not saying that I am not going to be compassionate toward her and nice when we do talk, but for real, this girl has been on my last nerve at least since fall, and I have been attempting to back her off ever since. She just really wants to be friends with me, and now we are bonded by this information I know about her. Am I a total bitch/ogre/piece of stone for not making an effort, inviting her out, and going out of my way to be the good friend she thinks I am? What do I owe her? This is such a difficult situation. Whatever I decide to do, one of us loses and the other one is sort of a jerk.
Thanks in advance,
I thought the friendship was over when she pissed me off in October
Dear October,
I think your reaction to her confession was compassionate and appropriate; I also think that it doesn’t obligate you to pretend you want to be friends when you really don’t.
Think of it this way: think of all the other people you dislike. Chances are, they’ve gone through some hard times or had to face some difficulties — illness, deaths in the family, shitty bosses, whatever. Everyone has; it’s a part of life. Now, understanding this to be true, do you like them any better?
“Well, I…” Come on. No, you don’t. You feel compassion for them, as you would for anyone, and maybe you feel a little bit guilty for not liking them, but…you still don’t like them. You don’t want to spend time with them; you don’t want them at your birthday party.
You acted sympathetically towards Kelly in the moment, but she’s still not someone you want to be friends with, and that’s okay. Continue maintaining your distance, and don’t feel guilty about it; sometimes people don’t like each other, sometimes those people can do each other kindnesses at times anyway, and those two things can co-exist.
Tags: etiquette friendships workplace
