Dear Sars:

I have been close to where Drowning is currently (with the exception of the infidelity) and you published my letter last July in The Vine.I wanted to let Drowning know that her marriage will likely not get better.As you pointed out, her husband doesn’t see any problem with his behavior and has had to face little or no consequences for his actions.I put up with a similar situation for far too long, and by the time I left there were two children from the marriage.I don’t regret having my kids, but I do regret the years of my life that I gave up.Finances can always be separated; you can never regain the years that you’ve lost to emotional abuse.

Formerly Co-Dependent, Now So Much Better Off Alone

Dear Sars,

I thought your advice to “Drowning” regarding her drunk and unemployed husband was excellent.One additional point — as she mentioned that their finances are joined, she should consider getting a checking/savings account and credit card in her name only.If she does decide to leave him, she can make it much easier on herself and way less scary if she has her own established credit rating and hopefully have built up some savings.All married women should do this, even if they married the most dependable and responsible man on earth.

You can sign me,
Keeping My Money To Myself

Hey Sars,

I have found myself in an uncomfortable position, and would love your input.

I have been best friends with “JBo” since I was 14. Despite choosing completely different paths in life, we make time for one another and remain trusted confidantes. The problem is her father. “Mr. B” is a racist, sexist homophobe. I mostly just ignore his ignorance, and keep our contact time to a minimum. But JBo still lives at home and has no car, so I have contact with Mr. B occasionally. Since I started a more hectic schedule in the fall, I look less like a geeky, slightly chubby girl and more like a shapely young woman. Mr. B has made it no secret that he enjoys the way I now look. When I was younger, he would say inappropriate things or stare at me a little longer than he should. But now he is outright disgusting, and it has become a problem.

I work as a waitress to put myself through school, and as a result have to deal with plenty of guys making unwanted passes. I have gotten pretty good at turning men down, or letting them know that isn’t a way I will let them talk to me. But I am unsure as to how to handle Mr. B. He relies more on double entendres, innuendoes, and discreet brushes against me than blatant flirting; when he is outright lewd, everyone takes it as a joke. I haven’t ever allowed myself to be alone with him since he makes me so nervous, which means he behaves this way in front of his family, and they either don’t notice or aren’t willing to recognize it. He is this way towards none of JBo’s other friends. I feel so special.

What should I do? I am upset I have let it go on this long, since it is normally my style to be blunt and direct. Do I have to go to him privately and talk to him like I do the lecherous restaurant patrons? Should I tell JBo that her dad acts like a perv around me, and risk ruining her relationship with her father, or having her not believe me? Should I go to Mrs. B and let her know how he acts near me? Would it be totally inappropriate of me to just make a scene in front of his whole family the next time he does something? Or am I just overreacting?

I have been avoiding going over to JBo’s place or calling there (since her father always answers), and it has started causing tension between us. I don’t want our friendship to get messed up because of this, and I feel shitty not being there for her. I hate being indecisive, and asking for advice isn’t my typical problem-solving way. But I need to do something, and I would love to hear your take on this.

Thanks,
Weirded The Fuck Out

Dear Weirded,

The next time you go over to JBo’s house, ask to have a private word with Mr. B.Make it clear that you’ve tolerated his sleazy behavior up to this point in order not to rock the boat, but that it will now stop.He’s probably going to try to play it off as “a misunderstanding,” at which time you can tell him with an icy smile that, in that case, he needs to watch himself for behavior that might get misconstrued.And you are not asking him.You are telling him.He treats you with some respect or you will scorch his earth for miles around.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating — men like Mr. B rely on the fact that you won’t speak up for yourself, that you’ll get intimidated by the fact that they’re older or by their ur-maleness or some goddamn thing.And sometimes, for the sake of the greater social good, you do have to let crap like that go…but that’s not really working, and it’s affecting your friendship with JBo, so you have to say something and put a stop to it.

After you’ve spoken to Mr. B, tell JBo that her father behaves in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and that it’s the reason behind your avoiding her and her house lately, so you talked to him about it and you hope that’s the end of it.Tell her you don’t want it to affect your friendship with her, and you don’t expect her to choose sides, but you don’t like the way he treats you and can’t put up with it any longer.She might get angry, but it’s between you and her father, and you’ve handled it the best way you know how — he left you no choice.

Sucking it up isn’t working anymore.It’s affecting your relationship with JBo.Drop the hammer on her asshole father and feel good about it.

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